I have finally reached the point where I can’t even muster outrage or disappointment over Zakk Wylde’s career choices. Twenty years ago, I probably would have lept from an airplane without a ‘chute if the dude had asked me to. Ten years ago, if he had announced that he was doing a guest spot on, say, a new Dope record, I would have wept hot, burning tears of anger and betrayal. Now, it’s been announced that he’ll contribute a solo to the new EP by Black Veil Brides — a band whose music ranks somewhere in-between anal warts and sensitivity training with Phil Labonte on the list of “Things I Hope to Avoid” — and I can’t even muster a shrug. Like, I tried to shrug, and my shoulder muscles were all, “Dude, don’t even waste the energy.” And so here I sit, shrugless.

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1) Be nicer to Sebastian Bach
2) Compare penis sizes with Tommy Lee
3) Hire Phil LaBonte as a vocal coach
4) Hire Billy Milano as a personal trainer
5) Hire Tripp Eisen as a baby sitter
6) Sleep with present-day Tawny Kitaen
7) Help Danzig clean up his motherfucking bricks, bitch
8) Listen to Ted Nugent talk about politics
9) Listen to Ted Nugent talk about romance
10) Listen to Ted Nugent talk about Ted Nugent

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Making fun of juggalos is passe at this point; been there, done that, 100 times over, and everyone gets the point. But posting the annual infomercial Psychopathic Records puts out to promote the Gathering of the Juggalos is something of a ritual, always good for a few lulz, and possibly even entertaining.

Once you get through the so-uncool-at-this-point-that-maybe-it’s-cool-again Star Wars-style intro, you’ll discover that Vanilla Ice has sunken to an even lower low and is now a juggalo. In addition to the usual assortment of interchangeable clown-faced rappers, this year’s lineup also brings a whole new set of artists scraping the bottom of the barrel that’s become their career: CKY, Dope, Saliva, Vanilla Ice (obvs), Xzibit, Kittie and M.C. Hammer. In the “Are you sure you really want to stoop so low?” department we have Ice Cube, George Clinton and the P-Funk All Stars and Busta Rhymes, who all must be getting hella paid. And last but not least, the comedy stage will feature Brian Posehn and classic wrestlers Iron Sheik and Rowdy Roddy Piper (zuh?).

Should be an interesting one. Perhaps an MS reader braver than us can go on an anthropological mission on August 11-14. I already had the juggalo experience of a lifetime, and I think that’s enough for me.

-VN

An anonymous reader sent me the below video, and I didn’t look at the title before I clicked the link. So my first thought was that the band in the clip was Sonic Syndicate. (My second thought was, “Edsel Dope is in Sonic Syndicate now?”) This band is not Sonic Syndicate, though — they’re called Amaranthe, because there’s nothing more metal than purple flowers. But can you blame me for my mistake? Like Sonic Syndicate, Amaranthe play terrible re-swede that makes me wish the members of In Flames had never been born; like Sonic Syndicate, Amaranthe clearly have more interest in fashion than originality; and like Sonic Syndicate’s last horrendous video, this was directed with sleek Hasbro movie visuals by Patric Ullaeus.

Anyways, this is something of a super group. Drummer Morten Løwe used to be in The Arcane Order, and plays on the new Mercenary album, which is not as bad as I thought it would it be but isn’t very memorable, either; clean vocalist Jake E. Lundberg (the Dope-y looking one) was in Dream Evil (although after Gus G. left the band — in other words, after I stopped paying attention to Dream Evil); and female vocalist Celine Dion, of course, previously appeared in the movie Titanic, where she starred as the iceberg that sinks the ship. I don’t know why I needed to tell you that these people have done other things during their careers, I just thought I should point it out before some smart-ass in the comments section did.

-AR

Unless you count current metalcore bands with a wiggerish slant (Emmure, Winds of Plague, Acacia Strain, etc.), the genre of nu-metal is all but dead. Once a nearly-unstoppable juggernaut of Kikwear pants, eyebrow piercings, and chinstrap beards, today it is but a dessicated husk, barely clinging to life. At its peak, nu-metal filled the airwaves coast-to-coast, but these days you’re most likely to hear it on a beat up boombox in the corner of a windowless basement printshop or third-rate auto parts store on the outskirts of town.

While the tastes of fickle music consumers may have changed, nu-metal has never sounded better. Many kids these days are too young to have experienced this unique genre the first time around, so I figured I would share some of nu-metal’s best artists that fly a little under the radar of current tastemakers — I’ll skip the big names that we all know (Korn, Kid Rock, Bizkit) and focus on the unsung heroes. And mark my words, you’ll see indie rockers ironically listening to hed(pe) within the next few years!

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Don’t you dare call Decibel an “analog blog,” cocksucker — it’s a FUCKING MAGAZINE. Here’s managing editor Andrew Bonazelli.

Haven’t seen much coverage of future Greatest Album of All-Time short-lister A Thousand Suns around these parts, aside from Axl’s assessment last month: that “The good news is that Linkin Park’s new single, ‘The Catalyst,’ doesn’t sound exactly like every other song the band has ever recorded; the bad news is, it might actually be worse.” [Also, this thing today, although that was written after Andrew handed this in. Oh, well. - AR] While Diddy respectfully disagrees with your fearless co-leader, everyone else on earth with an IQ on the right side of the bell curve is firmly ensconced in the “sweet Jesus, this is some goofy bullshit” corner.

A select few, however, have a great deal of fun acknowledging the goofy bullshittery. One such stalwart is our fully automated nü-metal reviews generator, Decibot, which just earned its first-ever bit of unauthorized-in-every-way-imaginable merch. We caught up with the honoree after a mismatched burrito-eating contest with Dino Cazares’ Boss CH-1 Super Chorus [not pictured here:], and the response was anything but mechanical:

“100,000+ custom edits to the Microsoft Word spell checker and Decibot is still at a loss for words. Show your support for the robot uprising with this handsome cotton T-shirt depicting yours truly, Decibot. Does Decibot look fat in this picture? Yes, but Vince Neilstein applies the kung-fu grip to Edsel Dope’s ding-dong every three months or so during a slow news day at the MetalSucks mansion. See? We all have things we’re ashamed of. Plus, how else will Decibot hustle up the cash for the new Linkin Park album when Andrew Bonazelli is checking the couch cushions for coins every night and the Decibel editorial board has applied a ‘No Vinnie Paul’ rule in regards to auctioning home appliances on eBay? All your fashion sense are belong to us. Be the envy of the Hot Topic nerd down the block. Decibot generally prefers to be a ‘bottom,’ but here’s the one instance where it feels good to be a top.”

-AB

Do what the robot says and buy a t-shirt, or be condemned to spend the rest of your putrid, miserable existence listening exclusively to (hed) p.e. While you’re at it, you might as well buy yourself a copy of the October 2010 issue of Decibel, or just go ahead and buy yourself a full subscription. Andrew Bonazelli could really use the money for upkeep on his collection of rare action movie novelizations… we hear that The Expendables first edition hardcovers are gonna cost an arm and a leg.

I’m exaggerating, of course. Someone besides me will be happy to hear that Murderdolls (not The Murderdolls – get it right, dick!) are getting back together. But he or she probably doesn’t read this website.

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A reader known only as “Jonas” sent us the below video of 55 Escape, a Norwegian band whose biggest influences seem to be Korn and Linkin Park, not Enslaved and Immortal.

Here’s why I find this band kind of interesting. (And moving forward, please be aware that “interesting” and “good” are not the same word.) When you think about it for a second, nu-metal seems to be a predominantly American phenomenon. Off the top of my head, I’m having a hard time even naming a nu-metal band from any part of Europe, never mind Norway. Jeff Killed John were British, but they didn’t get famous ’til they swapped the nu for core and rechristened themselves Bullet for My Valentine. Am I forgetting a really, really obvious band? Korn, Limp Bizkit, Linkin Park, Disturbed, Godsmack, Evanescence, Staind, Static-X, Creed, Hed P.E., Snot, P.O.D., Puddle of Mudd, Drowning Pool, Saliva, Coal Chamber, Methods of Mayhem, 40 Below Summer, Sevendust, Ill Nino, Dope, Papa Roach, Soil, The Union Undergound… ALL AMERICAN. What the hell? No wonder the terrorists hate us.

Anyway, thanks to these sperm clots for doing their part in making America look good. Hoo-rah.

-AR

So playing underground metal is interesting for various reasons. There’s a real hierarchy to it. It has its own set of stars. Its own celebs. Legends. Etc. But in the grand scheme of the music industry, it’s nothing but a drop in the bucket.

Forget Metallica and the huge bands. I’m talking about everything else. Maybe these days, when records don’t sell like they used to and metal sells like it always has, it’s a bigger drop in the bucket. But check this out. A metal band sells 100,000 units. I’ts something to open up champagne and do coke off of strippers asses over. Tour buses, flat screen TVs, WOW WE’RE ROCKSTARS. Do you guys realize that on a major label in the mainstream world, 100,000 units is an abject failure?

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I have no idea what made me think of them – maybe I saw a tranny in the Village or something, or maybe it was just writing about Dope, since half the members of Murderdolls started in Dope and then there was a ridiculous flame war between the two bands. But, uh, somehow they popped in my mind.

We all know what Joey Jordison is up to, and Blabbermouth tells me that Wednesday 13 still has something resembling a career. I see Acey Slade walking around the neighborhood sometimes, so I guess he’s still DJing at Don Hill’s or some shit. Actually, that guy used to spin pretty good, if you were in the mood for hair metal and 70s rawk. I have no idea what happened to the other d00ds in this band, though. In fact, I don’t even know what their names are.

I’d still rather listen to this than post-Feelgood Motley Crue. Or most Stone Sour, for that matter. If for some reason those were my only choices. I can’t imagine any scenario in which that happened, but, hey.

-AR

Our friends at Metal Insider made an interesting discovery over the weekend: Dope are no longer listed on the bill for the upcoming Pedal to the Metal tour. The tour is being headlined by Mudvayne and also features Black Label Society and Static-X.

MI wonders aloud if Dope have been kicked off the tour; I would obviously love if it that were the case, but I fear that the official explanation will be considerably less entertaining.

Still, for the sake of amusing myself, I’d like to pretend that Dope have been kicked off the tour (I’d also like to pretend that Static-X have been kicked off the tour, but I have no basis for that fantasy right now). So, to that end, I’d just like to serenade the members of Dope with this little ditty:

HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA, YOU GOT BOOTED, HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA, YOUR BAND SUCKS.

That is all.

-AR

Here are things I didn’t know until I checked Blabbermouth this morning:

1. The bass player for my absolute favorite band in the entire world, Dope, is named Derek “Tripp” Tribbett, aka “Sinister.” Because apparently “Virus” was already taken.
2. Daisy from Rock of Love 2, a.k.a. The World’s Best Argument for the Illegalization of Plastic Surgery, is getting her own show, the horribly titled Daisy of Love.
3. “Sinister” will be a contestant on this show. Which means eventually, these two might fuck:

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Hey hey hey kids. In honor of the fact that it’s a) 4/20 and b) just one day before the release of Dååth’s awesome new album, The Concealers (read my review here), we’re teaming with the band to give away some special shit that I am now legally obligated to tell you is for tobacco use only. Seriously. One of you will win a bubbler and one of you will win a bowl, both bought and paid for by Dååth guitarist Eyal Levi out of his own pocket and the goodness of his heart, and you are not to use these items for anything other than the smoking of tobacco. Also, remember that God hates it when you masturbate.

ANYWAY, here’s what you have to do to win:

IN THE COMMENTS SECTION BELOW, TELL US YOUR FAVORITE SONG TO GET STONED TO.

And that’s it. Eyal will personally select one winner, who wins the very cool bubbler, and MetalSucks’ own resident Song to Get Stoned To expert, Mr. Kip Wingerschmidt himself, will select the second winner, who gets the bowl.

Please make sure you register for our comments section with a real e-mail address, as all winners will contacted by e-mail.

This contest runs from midnight to midnight EST on 4/20, and is open to U.S. residents only.

AND DON’T FORGET THAT DÅÅTH’S THE CONCEALERS IS IN STORES TOMORROW.

Good luck everyone, and, y’know… smoke ‘em if you got ‘em.

-MetalSucks (but WeedRules)

Because they’re freakin’ HILARIOUS, that’s why!

-AR

[via Headbanger's Blog]

1. You can stream Buried Inside’s super awesomelicious new album, The Spoils of Failure, here. I’ve been trying to get you guys excited about this record for awhile now and I don’t know how good a job I’ve done, so, for the love of all things holy: GO LISTEN TO THIS ALBUM ALL THE WAY THROUGH AT LEAST ONCE. If you don’t like it you don’t like it, but it deserves your attention, damn it.
2. If you’ve got the blues and need a good belly laugh, you can stream Dope’s new album, Antichrist Nobodies No Regrets, here. But don’t go there looking for good music; there’s none to be found.

-AR

Last week, we told you about Zakk Wylde’s contribution to “Addiction,” an awful new song by the awful band Dope. The song now has a music video, which was directed by Kevin Custer and MetalSucks Maniac hater Dale “Happy-Go-Lucky Sunshine Fun Time” Resteghini.

Here are things about the video that I find really, really fucking weak:

1. Edsel Dope is in it.
2. Virus is in it.
3. The song.
4. That uninformed viewers may come under the impression that Virus is playing Zakk Wylde’s part.
5. How the members of Dope now dress like the members of Black Label Society instead of the members of Marilyn Manson or, more shockingly, themselves.
6. That Edsel Dope is actually wearing a Black Label Society jacket.

Here are things about the video that I like:

1. Big Fake Titties.
2. Big Fake Titties actually gets a costume change.
3. That watching it will steal less than three minutes of your life away.

The video itself can be viewed after the jump. It’s not really safe for work, and definitely not safe for human ears, so… consider yourself warned.

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I’m ’bout to go party at a triple-birthday event then get rowdy at an outdoor winter BBQ tomorrow afternoon (Bacon Explosion, anyone?). But not before I can tell you what went down on MetalSucks this week:

• Dallas broke the silence on Earthsblood and told the “Blabberbitches” to fuck off.
• Zakk Wylde recorded on a Dope song, throwing his last shred of cred out the window. Yeah, Dope.
• Metal Hammer released a shady list of the best death metal songs ever. But at least Metal Hammer is still around: Metal Edge and Metal Maniacs bit the dust for good.
• David Draiman hit the singles market. J-Date.com, here comes the sickness!
• We spoke with Sunn O))) mainman / Southern Lord Records founder Greg Anderson and Sylosis’ Josh Middleton.
• We told you what we think about the new release by Dimension Zero while we asked you what you think about Lamb of God’s latest.
• Sigh’s foxy Dr. Mikannibal got naked and drank cow’s blood.
• We took shots at Camp Kill Yourself and Insane Clown Posse, and their fans took shots at us.

Peace in the mideast.

-VN

I had the displeasure of seeing Dope live once (don’t ask). They were playing at Don Hill’s, a club here in NYC that holds about 300 people, and, to my surprise, they actually managed to pack the place pretty full. So after the band before them concluded their set, Dope kept the crowd waiting for 45 minutes while their roadies set up elaborate stage dressing fit for an arena show: extra platforms and a new PA system and lighting rig (I guess the house systems weren’t good enough for the band) and giant wooden backdrops and a chain link fence (!) and who the fuck knows what else. This kind of shit really isn’t necessary for a small club gig, but it might have been forgivable had the band come out and rocked the kids’ faces off; instead, they came out and played for… 45 minutes. To repeat: the band played for as long as they kept the crowd waiting for them to play. In hindsight, it seems clear that all the rigmarole was really because without the fancy lights and props, the band knew they didn’t have much to offer.

I’m telling you this story because Dope will be opening for Black Label Society and Sevendust on their upcoming tour, which still strikes me as an odd package – that Zakk Wylde, who once proclaimed “Fred Durst can eat a dick” on his band’s DVD, would share a stage with not one but two nu-metal bands just seems weird.

Weirder still: Wylde has now recorded a track with Dope. Let me type that again, lest you think your eyes are failing you: DOPE HAVE A SONG ON THEIR NEW ALBUM WITH ZAKK WYLDE ON GUITAR.

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Tripp Eisen, who has at one time or another been the guitar player for such illustrious acts as Static-X, Dope and The Murderdolls, is apparently back in prison.

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Yesterday an advanced copy of the album by a certain nu metal band that shall go unnamed arrived at the MetalSucks Mansion. “Why the fuck would they send us this?” Vince wondered aloud, noting that we have never, ever, ever had anything nice to say about this particular group.

“Dude,” I countered, “At least we write about them. That’s more than I can say for most sites.”

Which got me to thinking: is there no one carrying the nu metal torch?

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