So, yeah, it turns out there’s a burgeoning metal scene in Maldives, and we even know some peeps who have either worked there or may work there in the future. Does that mean we’ll take a vacation there soon? Fuck do we look like, Wes Borland?

Here’s some other shit that happened this week:

• We were re-joined by some old friends: Porn star Bobbi Starr talked about the world’s most metal porn, and Dallas Coyle pondered the road to happiness.
• We debuted an exclusive excerpt from Dave Mustaine’s memoirs, and are giving you a chance to meet the man himself.
• We spoke to Woody Weatherman from C.O.C. and Roxana Shirazi, author of The Last Living Slut.
• We checked out new releases by Clutch and The Acacia Strain and I Declare War.
• Sergeant D. taught us about the history of slam.
• We defended Eddie Van Halen from Dave Davies.
• We climbed a Wall of Douche.
• We met The Crud Wizard…
• …who is infinitely cooler than the dude from ICP’s ree-ree son.
• Also, BON JOVI + BOOBIES!!!

Okay. Gonna go to an awesome Cynic show now. Lates.

-AR

I could have sworn that when I was a kid I read somewhere that The Kinks had no problem with Van Halen’s cover of “You Really Got Me,” and, in fact, thought it superior to their own version. But I can’t remember where I read it (I’m assuming a full-color glossy crap magazine), I can’t find the quote online, and it was probably all propaganda, the way pretty much everything in magazines like Hit Parader and Circus was propaganda. (And the Gerri Miller years of Metal Edge weren’t exactly a bastion of journalistic integrity, either.)

And so here we are, decades after the fact, and The Kinks’ Dave Davies is bitching about the cover, telling Classic Rock that “I’m sure Eddie Van Halen played better when he was drunk,” and that VH’s version of the song “was very Middle America. It was like, ‘Hey man, look at me with my tight trousers! Here’s our version of You Really Got Me!’”

And if you’re wondering what crawled up Davies’ ass, well, the next part of his quote is actually very telling:

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Since its inception by the typings of some clever music journalist in the 80s, the categorization “hair metal” (or “glam metal”) has been as amorphous and, consequently, as misused as “metalcore” has been in the aughties. And since it’s hair metal week here on MetalSucks, we thought we’d try to address this issue by pointing the spotlight on ten bands that are often, and incorrectly, deemed “hair metal.” And to that end…

If Van Halen set the standard for the flashy guitar techniques and outrageous frontman theatrics that would later come to define hair metal, then it’s only fair to call Extreme their proverbial nephews and similarly disrobe them of the “hair metal” tag. At their peak more than a full decade after EVH and DLR changed the face of heavy music forever, the Boston duo of Gary Cherone on vocals and wunkerkind Nuno Bettencourt on guitar channeled the vintage feel-good VH vibes into three killer albums that still stand up today. Nuno’s unabashed EVH worship was on display at all times both in his supersonic leads and intricately voiced, highly rhythmic rhythms — I suppose one could argue that he stylistically one-upped EVH and took everything he’d done to the next level, but I don’t think I’m gonna go there — and Cherone, though not as outrageous as David Lee Roth, certainly summoned his whacky / feel good on-stage personality, and not for nothin’ was definitely a better vocalist. And of course there’s that little thing where Cherone sang for Van Halen for a minute… but we don’t talk about that.

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Since its inception by the typings of some clever music journalist in the 80s, the categorization “hair metal” (or “glam metal”) has been as amorphous and, consequently, as misused as “metalcore” has been in the aughties. And since it’s hair metal week here on MetalSucks, we thought we’d try to address this issue by pointing the spotlight on ten bands that are often, and incorrectly, deemed “hair metal.” And to that end…

It’s easy for me to understand why some people would dub Van Halen “hair metal.” Between the Van Halen brothers and David Lee Roth’s chest/Michael Anthony’s back and arms, the band certainly had plenty of hair on-stage in their heyday. (Things changed in the reunion era, as Eddie, Alex, and Diamon Dave have all adopted more “adult” hair cuts, and Michael Anthony’s back has been replaced by Fatty Ding Dongs Van Halen’s almost-grassless playing field.) And, certainly, no band besides Kiss was more influential on the hair metal scene — for what were the glam bands if not just one long string of EVH and DLR impersonators?

And yet it is this very influence which disqualifies Van Halen from being categorized as a hair metal band — for how can they be part of a trend that they pre-dated? Call Van Halen “cock rock” and I’d be hard pressed to argue, but a bunch of Aqua Net lovin’ pretty boys Van Halen were not.

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Last week I debated the merits of a rumored new Van Halen/David Lee Roth reunion studio album in 2011, but it looks like that debate might be a moot point. For VH publicist/Eddie shtupper Janie Van Halen has told Rolling Stone that “What is going around is exactly that, rumors. I don’t have any updates at this time.”

Is this happy news or sad news? I  think it’s probably for the best, although I know that a lot of you (including our own Anso DF, who admonished me via e-mail for slagging “Me Wise Magic”) feel differently and would love a new Van Halen studio album, even if it did include Fatty Ding Dongs on bass.

Of course, Janie is a publicist, so it’s entirely possible she’s just completely full of shit and the new album is coming down the pipeline. I guess time will tell.

-AR

I had a blast when Vince and I saw the Van Halen/DLR reunion tour in 2007 — so much so that I actually considered forking over an obscene amount of money to go see the band on the second leg of the same tour, Fatty Ding Dongs Van Halen’s presence be damned. And yet, this rumor, first reported by VH fan site Van Halen News Desk, fills me with dread:

“It’s been a while since I reached out to one of my best sources of Van Halen info over the years, but it had to be done. And I got the information I was hoping for – independent confirmation from a long time source I trust that Van Halen are indeed working towards finishing recording of a long awaited new studio album with David Lee Roth, set for release sometime in the first half of 2011. A single is slated for release before the end of this year, but exact timing still remains very much up in the air. I’m told the relationship between Eddie and Dave remains as complex as ever, but there is a definite desire to get a new record completed.”

I have no doubt that this is really happening, ’cause, well, CHA-CHING! (And I have no doubt that “complex” is the nicest possible word you could use to describe the relationship between Diamond Dave and EVH — lest we forget, these two can’t even be in dressing rooms in close proximity to one another.) But why, if I had so much fun at the band’s concert, am I so terrified by the idea of a new Van Halen album?

Well, lemme ask you this: anybody remember “Can’t Get This Stuff No More” and “Me Wise Magic,” the VH/DLR reunion songs the band recorded for their 1996 greatest hits collection? Yeah, neither did I ’til I just re-listened to ‘em — and I actually bought that CD the day it came it out just for those songs alone (no illegal downloading in those days, kiddies).

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So we had a lot of fun hanging out Nevermore’s Jeff Loomis last night – definitely a very laid back and humble dude, considering that he could probably kill us all with his guitar playing. Attendees included MetalSucks’ own Anton OyVey and Antonin Skullia, Esq., as well as Empyreon drummer Frank Godla (who, despite one of my poorly phrased tweets, has not replaced Van Williams in Nevermore.). When we weren’t passing my iPhone around, enjoying the entries for the Nevermore/MetalSucks “Create Your Own Conspiracy” contest (it ends Friday and there is definitely a front runner already – so enter now if you’re gonna!!!), it should surprise no one to learn that significant portion of the evening was devoted to music dorkery; so while I can’t remember exactly how it came up, at some point Mr. Loomis recommended we all check out MasterTracks18, a YouTube user who has uploaded literally hundreds of individual tracks from various well-known songs spanning different genres – metal and hard rock being primary amongst them.

Of course, it’s all pretty fascinating; you could lose hours of your day listening to all of these. I’ve only listened to a handful myself so far, and I already feel like I’m about to lose hours of my day listening to these. I’m sure all you instrument nerds can are gonna love really getting into the nitty gritty of the various tracks, but even if you’re not an instrument nerd… it’s just a really, really awesome look behind the curtain, so to speak.

You can check them all out at MasterTracks18′s YouTube page, which now, for legal reasons, is segueing to page for MasterTracks19. But in the meantime, here are just a few of my favorites…

“Crazy Train,” Guitar Track

Some more after the jump.

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There are two reasons that a John 5 interview could last for days. The first is that in just more than a decade, he’s already played guitar for David Lee Roth, Rob Halford, Marilyn Manson, and now Rob Zombie, none of whom are uninteresting conversation topics. And if that got old, he could discuss what it’s like contributing songs to Filter, Garbage, Avril Lavigne, Meat Loaf, Paul Stanley, Lynyrd Skynrd, and the friggin’ Scorpions. If he still has a voice, you could next ask him about his somewhat accidental/totally awesome solo career.

The second reason is that John 5 (né John Lowery) is a total music guy. And it’s totally effortless to talk music with total music guys. You could bump into him before a show and end up blowing off the headliner just to continue a breathless discussion of Van Halen at the bar next door. I can also imagine the results if I stopped at the guitar shop on my lunch hour to find John 5 lounging against an amp: We’d innocently start comparing Rob Zombie’s band to Ozzy’s and before you know it, it’d be sundown and I would be sneaking back into the office through a window. A bus ride to the beach would be disastrous ‘cause we’d undoubtedly miss our stop by miles while merrily disputing the merits of KISS. And so on.

Sadly for me but mercifully our transcribers, my talk with John 5 last week lasted but twenty minutes. He used the word “love” a lot to genially discuss his past and present collaborators, his fifth solo album The Art of Malice (get it May 11), this year’s Mayhem tour, and the Ozzy situation last summer. After that, we just talked about Van Halen a bunch – and might’ve gone on all day. But apparently he has things to do. About a million things.

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“Black Sabbath,” the first song off the first album by Black Sabbath, Black Sabbath, perfectly drew up the blueprint for metal. It was gloomy, disturbing, and fucking HEAVY. It was music for outsiders, those ranging from annoyed to enraged at having to exist on the fringes of society because they were too fat/lanky/socially retarded to listen to Three Dog Night and get laid all the time. Eights years later — almost to the day — Van Halen released their eponymous debut. “Runnin’ With the Devil,” that album’s first song, is also heavy in its own right, but the near-decade length of time between the two couldn’t be more apparent. While its one-note bassline and massive riff was undeniably fucking great, it wasn’t dark anymore. In fact, it was kind of fun and incredibly catchy. It was pop music with heavy guitars.

Suddenly, things were different. Metal wasn’t frightening anymore, but a good time, and inviting. It wasn’t just for weird guys and bad girls, but for regular, well-adjusted guys and not-just-regular but pretty girls. Van Halen were unquestionably heavy on their debut, and the album was filled with songs that were not only catchy, but perhaps some of the best-crafted in rock thus far. It sold a shit-ton of copies, and metal slowly moved from being dangerous to being a blast for the better part of a decade.

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Some unorganized observations about this video by Australian shredder lady Orianthi, sent to me by Zena Metal:

• Is that a sequined PRS? Good lord! Hideous.
• What’s with the guitar neck protruding out into all the shots? Is that an attempt to relate to the Guitar Hero generation? If so, how come none of it matches up with the song??
• She can definitely play!
• Nice dive bomb at the 3:00 mark.
• Apparently she was to be Michael Jackson’s guitarist for his This Is It shows. Eddie Van Halen… Steve Stevens… Slash… Orianthi. Hmmm. That’s some pretty righteous company.
• So many 12 year old dudes are going to have raging hard-ons for her. 12 year old Vince would’ve been ALL over this!
• All things considered, this isn’t bad. It’s middle of the road guitar/power pop made for tweens. Even if not for the shred it’d still be alright. If kids are listening to this over Ashley Tisdale, that’s a step in the right direction. But hey, this coming from the guy who genuinely enjoyed Avril Lavigne’s first record… so don’t trust me too much.

-VN

In no particular order…

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So, as previously announced, Eddie Van Halen was on Two and a Half Men last night. At least, that’s what Allyson at Bring Back Glam tells me. I missed it, because I was watching Gojira. And because I love myself.

But Allyson has the cameo clip, which is below. It’s as cheesy as you’d expect.

So… I guess the question is, would you use the shitter right after EVH warned you that you might wanna wait a beat? Would the smell of his poo floating into your nostrils disgust you, or are you such a sycophant that you’d think “Yeah! Eddie’s poo molecules will now forever be a part of me. History and I have finally intertwined.”

These are the kinds of things I think about.

-AR

Eddie Van Halen is apparently going to appear on the shitcom Two and a Half Men this fall. I’m assuming the storyline will have something to do with him confusing the chubby kid from the show with his chubby son.

Not a Van Halen.

A Van Halen.

Eddie Van Halen joins a long line of hard rock musicians appearing on terrible television shows, including Anthrax, Slash, and Sebastian Bach.

-AR

There’s something reassuring about knowing that people one sometimes considers cooler than him or herself were not, in fact, always so cool.

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At the risk of sounding disrespectful: we cannot look at Michael Jackson through rose-colored glasses just because of his untimely passing. The dude was, to put it mildly, a weirdo, and probably very, very crazy. And the fact that he is now dead does not change that fact.

That being said, back when the guy was slightly less crazy (or, at least, the general public was less aware of his craziness), there’s no denying that he was major talent who had a huge impact on music. Denying this fact because of his later follies is just foolish. And even though I’ve been listening to metal since before I had pubes, I freely admit that I owned a copy of Thriller long before I owned a copy of Reign in Blood.

Jackson apparently had some kind of affinity for hard rock guitarists, or, at least, had someone in his camp who did. Besides employing Jennifer Batten for years, Jackson worked with Eddie Van Halen (“Beat It”), Slash (“Give in to Me”), and Steve Stevens (“Smooth Criminal”).

For the usual dumb reasons, none of the videos for these collaborations are embeddable, but you can easily find them on the net. In the meantime, here’s Jacko and Slash:

On a more cynical note, except at least one, if not more, of these guitarists to start exploiting their relationship with Jackson for publicity any second now.

-AR

One of the most disappointing aspects of Guitar Hero: Metallica was that you have to play with nu-’Tallica, not the Burton or even Newstead-era band we all know and love (I’m told older versions of the Four Horsemen are available as “unlockable content,” but there’s only so many hours in the day and these snarky blogs ain’t gonna write themselves.). That being said, at least the makers had the good taste to not pretend that Robert Trujillo was in the band when they recorded Master of Puppets.

Now comes this 56-second bootleg clip of Guitar Hero: Van Halen, taken at recent nerd fest videogame convention E3. At first I was like “Sweet! Look, it’s DLR and EVH when they had long hair! CLASSIC HALEN ROOLZ!!!!”

And then I saw Fatty Ding Dongs Van Halen. Who not only wasn’t in the band during the early days of VH, he wasn’t even, y’know, FUCKING BORN YET. This like when the band tried to replace their cover art photos of Anthony with ones of Fatty Ding Dongs; even Axl Rose isn’t a big enough douche vag to try and completely re-write history. Bogus. Fucking bogus.

That all of this comes in the midst of EVH claiming and Michael Anthony denying that Anthony actually quit the band, and, well, it’s enough to make you wanna listen to fucking Chickenfoot. Christ.

-AR

Scars on Broadway didn’t work out. I’m still not entirely sure why. There seems to be some consesus that their album sucked, but I didn’t think so at all (and neither did my colleague Sammy O’Hagar, who reviewed the record). In any case, it’s a moot point, because at the end of the day, all any of us really want is for System of a Down to get back together already.

And I suspect no one wants that more than drummer John Dolmayan, who apparently auditioned to be the new drummer for Smashing Pumpkins. Because there’s really only two possible reasons he might have done this:

1. He’s bored.
2. He’s broke.

For the sake of humor, let’s assume Dolmayan is broke.

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Inarguably one of the greatest, most influential, and most ripped-off guitar players of all time, the deity we know as “Eddie Van Halen” turns 54 (!) today. Yes, some of his latter day career choices have been kind of mind boggling (in a bad way), but anyone who saw him on VH’s most recent tour knows he’s still the fuckin’ man.

So here’s to Eddie! And here’s a clip of him erupting back in’83:

-AR

Only, not really.

Lest there was any doubt that Diamond Dave and the Super Van Halen Bros. kissed and made up for the love of the Benjamins, the 2008 tour rider unearthed by The Smoking Gun proves otherwise.

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You’d almost expect Eddie Van Halen to be a staunch Republican. Look at the facts: he lives in California, is rich, is a dick, and he and his woman both do work in the magical world of porn, which means giving a big thumbs up to the McCain/Palin ticket would be just hypocritical enough to “make sense” the way Ted Nugent being a conservative or Chris Robinson marrying a conservative’s daughter “makes sense.”

Apparently though, this isn’t the case: John McCain has been using the ’91 VH “classic” (a.k.a. my least favorite Van Halen song that wasn’t originally sung by Gary Cherone) “Right Now” as part of his campaign – and Eddie objects enough to actually call former co-worker/current nemesis Sammy Hagar, reports Rolling Stone.

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