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Last week was a big, big sales week for new metal releases, I’d imagine one of the highest cumulative tallies of the year so far. The #1 through #6 entries on the Top Hard Music charts could all be considered smashes in today’s relative terms, with Dream Theater, Anthrax and others making big splashes. Arch/Matheos, Vader and Wolves in the Throne Room also had nice debuts. Let’s look at the numbers:
When I saw that Edguy had made a video for the song “Robin Hood,” I got really, really excited. Not because I’m an Edguy admirer — I’m not a virgin, and am therefore ineligible for their fan club — but, rather, because I assumed the video would be cheesy as hell, and therefore hilarious.
Unfortunately, it’s not. I mean the costumes look like they were made by someone’s mom and there’s a really cheap version of the arrow P.O.V. shot from the Kevin Costner version of Robin Hood, but the band is clearly in on the joke, and that’s no fun for mean-spirited bullies like me. ‘Cause all we’re left with is a not-especially-funny comedy video for a generic power metal song. Booooooo.
Now, Saxon, on the other hand… THESE dudes know how to make one ridiculously, laughably cheesy video.
At the Accept show I went to last week, I had a pretty funny moment with the boy when I said that it sounded like they were singing “We are nice” instead of “Neon nights.” Which got me thinking: I mishear lyrics a lot. It could be because I’m deaf, or people just don’t enunciate, or that most of the bands I listen to don’t really know English that well so they probably are singing stupid shit. Or it could be that I’d rather hear something than what I actually do — I mean, Bob Ezrin wanted a new, edgy song to appeal to those hip youngsters and thought Alice Cooper was singing “I’m edgy,” instead of “I’m eighteen.” Personally, I’m way more entertained with what my brain, or other people’s brains (as I got some volunteers for this task), comes up with. So here are a few songs that made it to my Misheard Lyrics Hall of Fame.
If Italy is the mecca of modern Epic Metal then Germany is the epicenter of OG power metal… which I guess by today’s standards is more like power hard rock. Edguy and all of Tobias Sammet’s projects would be enough on their own to give Germany the power metal crown, but it really all goes back to Accept, doesn’t it? I’m sure some Accept die-hards would fight me on it, but I’m just gonna say it: Accept spawned the German power metal scene. Now you’ve got Helloween, the aforementioned Edguy, and good old Gamma Ray (and others, of course), who are back with their new self-actualizing album To the Metal. Here’s the video for the title clip, which miraculously has over 60,000 views. God bless Germany and their power metal fanaticism.
-VN
Taken from the medical files of an average Hinder fan.
We’ve made our feelings about Hinder pretty well-known around these parts, but poor Cosmo Lee has somehow just discovered the truly heinous creation that is so beloved by MENSA members the world over. But because Cosmo is apparently a much more even-keeled dude than either of us are, he hasn’t pitched a fit about the fact that this band’s popularity clearly signals the impending Apocalypse – rather, he’s having some fun at the band’s expense by running a pretty sweet contest at Invisible Oranges. Here’s the gist of it, as explained by Cosmo:
Hinder’s music is repulsive yet fascinating. It’s post-grunge like Nickelback and Creed, but with opportunistic feints at glam rock and metal: music-making by focus group. The result isn’t really music. It’s hooks, spiky haircuts, and airtight audio assemblages that embody the principle of “Don’t Bore Us, Get to the Chorus!” I am in awe of its ruthless efficiency.
Some metal bands are, too – namely Edguy and Sentenced, whose later records moved from metal to hard rock. They only wish they could write hits like Hinder. So I’ve put together 10 audio clips from Hinder, Edguy, and Sentenced. Your mission is to guess which band did which ones. DO NOT USE ANY RESOURCES OTHER THAN YOUR BRAIN. Don’t use MySpace, YouTube, Last.fm, audio recognition software, or even your own music collection. That’s no fun (not to mention needless work), and it’s cheating.
The winner gets this awesome Pushead book. But even if there weren’t a great prize involved, it is a lot of fun to listen to the samples and try and figure out the answers. To be honest, never having been a fan of any of the bands involved, it all sounds pretty much the same to me… but perhaps some of you will fare better. Give it a shot right here.
-AR
We’ve all been there. Tensions are high in some packed, sweaty venue, sparked by feverish excitement and the potential for violence. These people paid good money to enjoy some type of cathartic release. The frontman for whatever hard-nu-death-crab-metal-core outfit is brazen and demanding. Can you believe this shit? You PAID to be entertained, and this guy is telling YOU what to do! The speech goes something like this: “I want everybody in this room moving! Front to back, side to side, NO ONE STANDS STILL! When this part kicks in, I want total [Insert destructive word here like "chaos," "mayhem," or "bedlam" if you're witty]. If the person next to you isn’t moving, MAKE THEM MOVE!” Than, if the action is not adequate, this screamer/pep rally organizer calls YOU some variation of “pussy” or “faggot” or really anything to make you feel like a soft, womanly bitch of a man in order to get in that pit and kick another grown man in the face, all in the spirit of making this band look like they are awesome. But then something happens, as if the air is sucked out of the room at the moment of impact – when those glorious staccato chugs kick in, the crowd is almost always powerless to its charms regardless of the obvious lack of substance. Like junk food and reality TV, we have a love affair with breakdowns.
If you enjoy melodic death-tinged power metal – and really, who doesn’t? – then it’s hard to imagine that you won’t enjoy Luna Mortis’ Century debut, The Absence. This shit is heavy, infectious, and epic as all get-out.
A big part of the reason why the album works is vocalist Mary Zimmer. A classically trained singer who once had aspirations of doing opera, Zimmer put to shame all the over-processed, auto-tuned vocalists that will inevitably let their fans down in a live setting. Her voice isn’t only powerful – it’s undeniably real.
Luna Mortis have just released a new, David Brodsky-directed video for the song “Forever More,” which you can watch above. They’ve also just hit the road with Edguy and Epicurean. You can get a complete tour itinerary here; then, after the jump, read my chat with Zimmer regarding all things metal. Raaaaar.
LOLZ at the flame-war that erupted over last week’s funny photo caption contest; apparently our supposed “funny photo” was actually a famous-ish painting by artist Miguel Calderón, and some MetalSucks Maniacs took offense to us using it in a mocking light. To thee I say: our site is called “METAL SUCKS” for chrissakes, so get the sand out of your collective vaginas and stop whining. Fuckin’ A!
Anyway, die-hard MS Maniac Sammy won the signed God Forbid guitar with the following entry:
…and with that the ICP Special Olympics began….
Congrats Sammy, your 6,457 comments on this site have finally paid dividends. Maybe in another 2.5 years we’ll get you an amp rig to go with that axe. This week we’re giving away a package of CDs to one lucky winner: Darkane’s latest ripper Demonic Art, Devin Townsend’s excellent new solo release Ki and a collection of Edguy singles. Good variety, something for everyone. Just come up with a funny caption to the below photo!
High school Vince Neilstein would’ve loved Edguy if only he’d known about Edguy. Your Motley Crue-monikered editor took a break from metal during his high school years let down by the demise of the hair bands and the invasion of the nu-metal dunder-heads, completely oblivious to all the great music our European friends were creating on the other side of the pond. But when I discovered Iron Maiden my senior year it was all over, and so began my long, but deep descent into the world of metal (egged on by one Axl Rosenberg, to be sure). Tickle your funny bones with this one: summer after Senior year I went all by my lonesome to see Iron Maiden at Madison Square Garden — ’cause no one else I knew gave two shits about metal — with a rolled joint ready to rock in my wallet. Needless to say, it was life-changing.
Whatwith Yom Kippur and all, business is pretty slow here at the MS Mansion today; when the Jews stop working, this city pretty much shuts down. So what better way to whittle the hours down than with some power metal from the Germans in Edguy and the Swedes in Nocturnal Rites? None better.
-VN
Edguy – “King of Fools”
Nocturnal Rites – “Still Alive”
