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1) Be nicer to Sebastian Bach
2) Compare penis sizes with Tommy Lee
3) Hire Phil LaBonte as a vocal coach
4) Hire Billy Milano as a personal trainer
5) Hire Tripp Eisen as a baby sitter
6) Sleep with present-day Tawny Kitaen
7) Help Danzig clean up his motherfucking bricks, bitch
8) Listen to Ted Nugent talk about politics
9) Listen to Ted Nugent talk about romance
10) Listen to Ted Nugent talk about Ted Nugent
An anonymous reader sent me the below video, and I didn’t look at the title before I clicked the link. So my first thought was that the band in the clip was Sonic Syndicate. (My second thought was, “Edsel Dope is in Sonic Syndicate now?”) This band is not Sonic Syndicate, though — they’re called Amaranthe, because there’s nothing more metal than purple flowers. But can you blame me for my mistake? Like Sonic Syndicate, Amaranthe play terrible re-swede that makes me wish the members of In Flames had never been born; like Sonic Syndicate, Amaranthe clearly have more interest in fashion than originality; and like Sonic Syndicate’s last horrendous video, this was directed with sleek Hasbro movie visuals by Patric Ullaeus.
Anyways, this is something of a super group. Drummer Morten Løwe used to be in The Arcane Order, and plays on the new Mercenary album, which is not as bad as I thought it would it be but isn’t very memorable, either; clean vocalist Jake E. Lundberg (the Dope-y looking one) was in Dream Evil (although after Gus G. left the band — in other words, after I stopped paying attention to Dream Evil); and female vocalist Celine Dion, of course, previously appeared in the movie Titanic, where she starred as the iceberg that sinks the ship. I don’t know why I needed to tell you that these people have done other things during their careers, I just thought I should point it out before some smart-ass in the comments section did.
-AR
Don’t you dare call Decibel an “analog blog,” cocksucker — it’s a FUCKING MAGAZINE. Here’s managing editor Andrew Bonazelli.
Haven’t seen much coverage of future Greatest Album of All-Time short-lister A Thousand Suns around these parts, aside from Axl’s assessment last month: that “The good news is that Linkin Park’s new single, ‘The Catalyst,’ doesn’t sound exactly like every other song the band has ever recorded; the bad news is, it might actually be worse.” [Also, this thing today, although that was written after Andrew handed this in. Oh, well. - AR] While Diddy respectfully disagrees with your fearless co-leader, everyone else on earth with an IQ on the right side of the bell curve is firmly ensconced in the “sweet Jesus, this is some goofy bullshit” corner.
A select few, however, have a great deal of fun acknowledging the goofy bullshittery. One such stalwart is our fully automated nü-metal reviews generator, Decibot, which just earned its first-ever bit of unauthorized-in-every-way-imaginable merch. We caught up with the honoree after a mismatched burrito-eating contest with Dino Cazares’ Boss CH-1 Super Chorus [not pictured here:], and the response was anything but mechanical:
“100,000+ custom edits to the Microsoft Word spell checker and Decibot is still at a loss for words. Show your support for the robot uprising with this handsome cotton T-shirt depicting yours truly, Decibot. Does Decibot look fat in this picture? Yes, but Vince Neilstein applies the kung-fu grip to Edsel Dope’s ding-dong every three months or so during a slow news day at the MetalSucks mansion. See? We all have things we’re ashamed of. Plus, how else will Decibot hustle up the cash for the new Linkin Park album when Andrew Bonazelli is checking the couch cushions for coins every night and the Decibel editorial board has applied a ‘No Vinnie Paul’ rule in regards to auctioning home appliances on eBay? All your fashion sense are belong to us. Be the envy of the Hot Topic nerd down the block. Decibot generally prefers to be a ‘bottom,’ but here’s the one instance where it feels good to be a top.”
-AB
Do what the robot says and buy a t-shirt, or be condemned to spend the rest of your putrid, miserable existence listening exclusively to (hed) p.e. While you’re at it, you might as well buy yourself a copy of the October 2010 issue of Decibel, or just go ahead and buy yourself a full subscription. Andrew Bonazelli could really use the money for upkeep on his collection of rare action movie novelizations… we hear that The Expendables first edition hardcovers are gonna cost an arm and a leg.
I’m exaggerating, of course. Someone besides me will be happy to hear that Murderdolls (not The Murderdolls – get it right, dick!) are getting back together. But he or she probably doesn’t read this website.
So playing underground metal is interesting for various reasons. There’s a real hierarchy to it. It has its own set of stars. Its own celebs. Legends. Etc. But in the grand scheme of the music industry, it’s nothing but a drop in the bucket.
Forget Metallica and the huge bands. I’m talking about everything else. Maybe these days, when records don’t sell like they used to and metal sells like it always has, it’s a bigger drop in the bucket. But check this out. A metal band sells 100,000 units. I’ts something to open up champagne and do coke off of strippers asses over. Tour buses, flat screen TVs, WOW WE’RE ROCKSTARS. Do you guys realize that on a major label in the mainstream world, 100,000 units is an abject failure?
Last week, we told you about Zakk Wylde’s contribution to “Addiction,” an awful new song by the awful band Dope. The song now has a music video, which was directed by Kevin Custer and MetalSucks Maniac hater Dale “Happy-Go-Lucky Sunshine Fun Time” Resteghini.
Here are things about the video that I find really, really fucking weak:
Here are things about the video that I like:
The video itself can be viewed after the jump. It’s not really safe for work, and definitely not safe for human ears, so… consider yourself warned.
I had the displeasure of seeing Dope live once (don’t ask). They were playing at Don Hill’s, a club here in NYC that holds about 300 people, and, to my surprise, they actually managed to pack the place pretty full. So after the band before them concluded their set, Dope kept the crowd waiting for 45 minutes while their roadies set up elaborate stage dressing fit for an arena show: extra platforms and a new PA system and lighting rig (I guess the house systems weren’t good enough for the band) and giant wooden backdrops and a chain link fence (!) and who the fuck knows what else. This kind of shit really isn’t necessary for a small club gig, but it might have been forgivable had the band come out and rocked the kids’ faces off; instead, they came out and played for… 45 minutes. To repeat: the band played for as long as they kept the crowd waiting for them to play. In hindsight, it seems clear that all the rigmarole was really because without the fancy lights and props, the band knew they didn’t have much to offer.
I’m telling you this story because Dope will be opening for Black Label Society and Sevendust on their upcoming tour, which still strikes me as an odd package – that Zakk Wylde, who once proclaimed “Fred Durst can eat a dick” on his band’s DVD, would share a stage with not one but two nu-metal bands just seems weird.
Weirder still: Wylde has now recorded a track with Dope. Let me type that again, lest you think your eyes are failing you: DOPE HAVE A SONG ON THEIR NEW ALBUM WITH ZAKK WYLDE ON GUITAR.
