Interview and live pics by Emily Eve; girls on stage pic by Friedia Niimura

In one sense, making records is like using the toilet: It takes more to do number two than number one. And in the case of L.A. heavy metal semi-parodists Steel Panther, a follow-up to their wildly funny and compulsively banging 2009 debut Feel The Steel is an even bigger, stinkier challenge: This time, fans can see them coming, um so to speak. But in the spotlight’s glare, before expectant ears and faces poised to smile, lead singer Michael Starr and crew deliver a bigger, dirtier, and awesomer mass of heavy metal hilarity called Balls Out (available Tuesday). The 14-track tour de farce covers 47 amazing minutes, a range of hot-button rocker issues (drugs, gender roles, boners), and a load of singalong mega-choruses and nip-scorching guitar solos unheard since pro tools was just an aisle at Sears. To those somehow able to resist Feel The Steel, I say: You’re fucked now. Balls Out is stronger than you and your feeble protestations. Crank. It. Up.

This feat of skill and cocksmanship on display in Balls Out begs for investigation, so last week I went to hear firsthand how Steel Panther achieved the equivalent of making a Ghostbusters II better than its Ghostbusters I. And though it was a rainy, gusty Autumn night, the huge Steel Panther dressing room was buzzing heatedly as I sat down with Starr and lead bass player Lexxi Foxxx to get answers. Just nearby were lead guitarist Satchel (at whom I gazed lovingly whenever his inattention allowed) and lead drummer Stix Zadinia (with entourage) as the three of us gabbed highly about Balls Out, drugs, vaginas, immaturity, maturity, the guy from Nickelback, shaving stuff, the responsibilities of being Steel Panther, and much more.

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Two weeks I wrote about how Ratt’s “Dance” is an excellent stripping song, and jested about trying it out myself. Jokes aside, I’ve always been fascinated by strip clubs and strippers and the whole shebang. It’s just so weird to me. The way it all functions and how lucrative it really is. When I was in college, we affectionately called the street right next to us “Stripper Alley” because of the cluster of clubs situated two steps from the dorms. You’d be hard-pressed to find worse houses of “burlesque” in the country.

Unfortunately, any fantasies or visions of naked grandeur were put to rest when I attended one innocent evening and an enthusiastic and obviously pregnant girl started raving about how much she loved my name. ‘Cause my real name was her stage name. Thanks, mom and dad.

It’s hard to deny that there’s some connection between metal, especially hair metal, and stripping. They go hand in hand like… syphilis and crazy. But I really don’t like the “stripping songs” that everyone always seems to go with. “Pour Some Sugar On Me”… like, really? There are so many underrated bands from that era and even more underrated songs. Some just had bad timing and some were plain ignored. But it got me thinking.

So here are the top underrated bands (note: “underrated” does not necessarily mean “unpopular”) of the 80s and early 90s, along with their corresponding strip songs. Now, these aren’t my choices, mind you — I just think they’d get the job done. I really hope no family members are reading this but if they are: HEY YOU GAVE ME A STRIPPER NAME, THIS WAS INEVITABLE.

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Holy ballz! This is so awesome. Those two stuffed shirts Neilstein and Rosenberg are out of town on a gay cruise on business and they left me in charge. And with those macho tyrants (pictured here) away, we’re free to make MetalSucks a No-Pants Zone (NPZ). So get yer kits off! Oh and in an NPZ, the second rule (after mandatory nakey cheeks) requires a tasty up-with-party-people jam to properly peel our brain bananas. Hmm I got just the thing: some Enuff Z’Nuff, whose debut single (above) would’ve been a success if released five years earlier than 1989 back when hair ruled. Or, alternately, “New Thing” would’ve owned 1994 if Enuff Z’nuff had been packaged as a slacker Brit dunno band like Oasis and the Stone Roses. Huh I’m kinda like that too — get a different haircut or a time machine and I could’ve been one of those superstar journalists you see mobbed on the street and shirtless on the cover of Rolling Stone. Came this close!

–ADF

There are very few things in this world I would willingly own up to enjoying even if it meant enduring endless grief — but hair metal is one of those things. That being said, I always involuntarily cringe when someone asks me to recommend a band in the genre, because, well, a lot of the names are total crap. I completely believe you have to judge a book by it’s cover — how else will you know if it’s any good? — and a band’s name has always served me as the first clue in their “cover,” so to speak.

Hair metal band names require a few certain things; references to animals or power or danger are a plus. If there can be allusions to sleaze and/or sexual prowess, maybe juxtaposed with virginal innocence, you’re headed in the right direction. And if they can do all that and throw in some umlauts and misspellings, then it’s gold. But there is such a thing as too much, and those monikers are the ones that just make you wonder exactly how coked out the band members were when they decided that it would be a good name for band.

And so, I give you the ten worst.

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The only time I ever saw Slaughter live, there were so few people in the crowd that Mark Slaughter (real name: Schlomo Slaughterowitz) was able to run through the audience high-fiving people. That’s a long way to fall from being on MTV and having the cock-eyed chick from 90210 in your video.

So I guess Mark Slaughter needs money, ’cause according to Bring Back Glam, he’s joining Nelson as their lead guitar player for their twentieth anniversary tour. Fucking NELSON. Man, I never knew anyone who liked Nelson. Like, I’d much rather be in Slaughter. In 2010. On tour with Winger and Enuff Z’Nuff and Jani Lane. That’s how bad it sucks to be in Nelson.

Of course, what Mark Slaughter and Dana Strum really need to do is get a Vinnie Vincent Invasion reunion going. Now that’s something I’d pay a shitload of cash to see.

-AR

So Rocklahoma, the once cock-rockalicious festival, may be a wash this year, but it seems that there’s already a new fest to grab ahold of the Aquanet and let us relive our youth gone wile: Rock N America, which take place from July 23 to July 25 in – get this – Oklahoma. Huh.

The line-up basically plays like a who’s who of who shoulda been playing Rocklahoma this year: Scorpions, Twisted Sister, Ratt, Warrant, Dokken, Great White, Enuff Z’Nuff, Bullet Boys, Faster Pussycat, and the Tracii Guns/Jizzy Pearl version of L.A. Guns are all the bill. More bands will be announced soon; in my imagination that will include whatever is passing for Skid Row these days, Vince Neil, Adler’s Appetite, Beautiful Creatures and/or Bang Tango, and the other version of L.A. Guns. But who knows.

It is worth noting that the fest will take place at the Zoo Amphitheatre, which a) has a smaller capacity than the giant open fields of Rocklahoma and b) isn’t just a cool name from some venue, but, rather, is called the “Zoo Amphitheatre” because it’s actually at the fucking zoo. So unless it’s always been Chip Z’Nuff’s dream to play for a crowd of zebras, this isn’t going to be quite the event that Rocklahoma was for these bands.

Still, you should visit the Rock N America website, even if you’re not really interested in attending the show, because, well, it’s like the shittiest website of 1994 and is consequently pretty hilarious.

-AR

[via Bring Back Glam]

Fuck $14,000 moon-men statues; THIS is what I need. A laughingly shitty electric bass and an 8 Watt practice amp that are both “pre-owned” (?!?!?) by Chip Z’nuff? WANT WANT WANT!

Will someone with $150 to spare pretty please buy this combo for me? Deals this good don’t come around often. That’s “$150 FIRM,” people. No bargaining! To think Chip Z’nuff hands once graced the frebtboard and volume knob of these fine peices of rock memorabilia… sheesh! The mind boggles at the sheer enormity of the situation.

-VN

[Thanks: Edward Nudd]

Remember when I posted Enuff Z’Nuff’s awesomely terrible video for “Fly High Michelle” back in September? Well, in case you don’t or just need to re-live the glory, here’s the clip again:

Amazing, right? I mean “amazing” in the sense that “Holy poop I cannot believe anyone ever thought that this was an okay idea,” not in the “GOJIRA LIVE!!!” sense.

ANYWAY, I mention it because Bring Back Glam reports that fans – assuming this band still has any – can now “purchase a royalty earning share… of either ‘Baby Loves You’ [another Enuff Z'Nuff song] or ‘Fly High Michelle.’”

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Our friend Chris Krovatin sent us this video for Enuff Z’Nuff’s “Fly High Michelle,” announcing that “it blew my mind in its awfulness.”  I assume that means he’s never had the (dis?)pleasure of watching it before. Personally, I haven’t seen it in years, and somehow forgot how bad it really is. Even when Enuff Z’Nuff were “cool” (or at least popular), this video seemed like an abomination against eyeballs. But I bet whomever directed this thought he was being really, really deep.

You really have to suffer through this. It’s gotta be one of the funniest videos ever made. That’s not hyperbole.

-AR

A band — US 66 — whose members consist of Tracii Guns (L.A. Guns) on guitar, Joe LeSte (Bang Tango, Beautiful Creatures) on vocals, Steven Adler (Adler’s Appetite, ex-Guns N’ Roses) on drums, Chip Z’Nuff (Enuff Z’nuff) on bass, and Michael Thomas (Faster Pussycat) on guitar ought to be able to perform a somewhat decent version of the Guns N’ Roses classic “Welcome to the Jungle,” right? Wrong.

What probably started as a fun, drunken idea (“Hey duuuudez! Let’s play Welcome to the Jungle” tonight! It’ll be awesome!”) ended as a trainwreck at last summer’s Rocklahoma festival. What with Tracii Guns proclaiming “We started Guns N’ Roses together” after introducing Steven Adler — which, while technically the truth he had NOTHING to do with “Welcome to the Jungle” — then the band members guessing when to come in after the intro, flubbing notes, and some of the sloppiest guitar playing I’ve ever heard, the result is downright embarrassing. Have a looksie.

-VN

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