This picture: STILL FUNNY!

Evan Seinfeld and Biohazard have parted ways, and just mere months before the release of the band’s reunion album, their first release since 2005′s There Was a Biohazard Album in 2005? In a statement, guitarist Bobby Hambel explains the split simply by saying “it’s time for a change,” but doesn’t elaborate. Presumably Seinfeld will release his own statement sometime soon.

He’d better, at least! It was just this past November that Seinfeld declared the new Biohazard album to be “almost too good,” a promise that doesn’t actually mean anything. Now he’s gonna hafta explain why he would possibly abandon such a momentous project. Was he actually fired? Was his previous total overhyping complete BS? Would he rather just spend time with his ventriloquist dummy? I’m dying to know the answer.

-AR

[via Metal Underground]

Here’s a quote from a recent Noisecreep piece on Biohazard’s Evan Seinfeld. I’ve added my own emphasis in bold:

“We are in the studio, finishing our 10th studio album, and we’re working Toby Wright, who has worked with Metallica, Slayer, Deftones, Godsmack, Korn,” Seinfeld told Noisecreep. “The music is the best we’ve ever written. I’m nervous, because it’s almost too good.”

Okay, so one question: WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?!?!

Click to read more…

I can see that The Damned Things are gonna be the next point of contention here at the MetalSucks Mansion. Vince likes ‘em, but they just sound like more more boring corporate rock to my ears. And a new track streaming on the band’s Facebook page, “Friday Night (Going Down In Flames),” isn’t doing much to change my mind. I don’t think the band is terrible or anything; I just feel really meh about them. (Although I definitely like the Foo Fighters-style of this song better than their last track, “We’ve Got a Situation Here.”) If they weren’t a supergroup, would anyone care? Why does already being famous earn you the right to now be mediocre?

Meanwhile, the group has unveiled the cover art for their debut, Ironiclast. And I’m looking at this thing, and I’m thinking, “Gee, this looks familiar.”

And then it hit me! Remember Damnocracy, that very short-lived supergroup from that stupid VH1 reality show Scott Ian did with Sebastian Bach, Ted Nugent, Evan Seinfeld, and Jason Bonham? Of course you do… how could you ever forget? Well, remember what that band’s logo was? Here, I’ll remind you:

Click to read more…

A few hours ago authorities evacuated Times Square for the second time in a week after someone found a “suspicious cooler” on the street. Of course, everyone was just being overly cautious, but as long as it doesn’t infringe on my civil rights, there’s nothing necessarily wrong with that. I think Vince was in Michigan when 9/11 went down, but I was here, and if I never see another tank rolling down my street again or run all over the city because there’s no cell service and I need to make sure that all of my friends and family are still alive, well, I’ll be good.

While I nurse my PTSD, here are some happier, metalier things that happened this week:

• We’re streaming Keep of Kalessin’s new album, Reptilian. We also debuted new music by Lamb of God and The Funeral Pyre.
• We also also also debuted new videos by Soulfly and Cancer Bats.
• We also also also also debuted our new cooking show, Cooking Contaminated.
• Cynic’s Paul Masvidal discussed the shape of silence, Periphery’s Bulb taught you how to get that “big” studio tone, As I Lay Dying’s Nick Hipa had some questions about L O S T, Matt from Rumpelstiltskin Grinder fondly recalled Maryland Deathfest, and Batillus bassist Willi Stabenau gave us a studio update.
• We talked to Darkest Hour’s Mike Schleibaum, Reign Supreme’s Jay Pepito,  Jackyl’s Jesse James Dupree, and unveiled part one of our massive two-part interview with Buzz Osborne.
• We checked out the latest release by The Howling Wind.
• Does the fact that Mike Portnoy is touring with Avenged Sevenfold make you wanna see ‘em?
• We don’t want Joey Belladonna to return to Anthrax. Seriously.
• Sergeant D. wants to know if u mosh 4 Christ???
• Damnocracy’s Evan Seinfeld and his porno Howdy Doody also do bar mitzvahs.
• We wish there was really such a thing as a Slayer burrito.

Next week brings even more betterer br00tal goodness – interviews, debuts, guest blogs, all that shit. It’s gonna get real up in this bitch. See ya then.

-AR

Evan Seinfeld and Tera Patrick split up less than a year ago, but the cause of the split was Seinfeld’s refusal to quit porn, so he handled the pain of the divorce like a real mensch and just started banging some other porn star immediately. Her name is Lupe Fuentes and she’s allegedly 23 years old, but she looks at least ten years younger than that and her videos have names like Little Lupe the Innocent: Dont Be Fooled By Her Baby Face, so it’s not as though everyone involved in the Lupe Fuentes business isn’t aware that the pedophile crowd is her bread n’ butter.

So some American rocket scientist named Carlos Simon-Timmerman bought a copy of that very movie in Venezuela and tried to take it with him to Puerto Rico – which implies he was on vacation and really needed to jack-off, which is fair enough, but who the fuck buys porn on a vacation? Just use your imagination, idiot. You probably passed a hundred hot Venezuelan chicks just on your way to the porno shop… you mean to tell me you didn’t store any of them in your spank bank?

ANYWAY, Puerto Rican customs officials thought the video was kiddie porn and were gonna lock Simon-Timmerman in jail and toss away the key, but luckily Fuentes and Seinfeld – who is also her manager – showed up with proof of her age and saved Simon-Timmerman.

Seinfeld and Fuentes were on television recently to discuss the incident, and the first thing I noticed – besides the fact that his little girl has the most irritating voice in the history of irritating voices – is that she’s sitting on Seinfeld’s lap the whole time, and that up until the 4:07 mark, when one is speaking, the other is silent. So for roughly the first four minutes of this interview, I was 99.9% sure that Fuentes was actually a puppet that Seinfeld was operating. And I’m still only half-convinced that she’s not.

Watch the interview after the jump.

Click to read more…

So apparently the source of the split between Evan Seinfeld (Biohazard/Damnocracy) and Tera Patrick (porn) was Patrick’s request that Seinfeld leave the adult film business. Says an evil tabloid owned by Rupert Murdoch:

Click to read more…

Evan Seinfeld and Tera Patrick have split up. Apparently it’s amicable. This means Tera will now be free to make porn with other dudes, like she did in her pre-Seinfeld days, while Evan will be free to make porn with other chicks, or medicore music with whatever band he’s doing these days. (Until I get that Biohazard/Onyx tour I’ve been begging for since ’93, I don’t give a shit.)

It’s hard to believe that this relationship didn’t last. If a metal thug and a porn star who make a great deal of money filming themselves fucking can’t be happy together these days, then what hope is there for the rest of us?

Go here to watch Evan and Tera in happier times, sharing their love. Or, at least, Evan sharing his love all over Tera’s face. Needless to say, it’s NSFW.

-AR

Yeah yeah yeah, Evan Seinfeld has done lots of “legitimate” acting since Biohazard fell apart, like an appearance on Oz and voice work for the upcoming Grand Theft Auto IV video game, but let’s be real: all his post-metal fame stems from the fact that he’s married to, and is the on-screen partner for, porn star Tera Patrick. That’s right: the man now blows his load all over his wife’s face for a living. Somebody had to say it.

I guess Evan must be running dry, though, because they’ve announced that Biohazard, the Noo Yawk band that may have inadvertently paved the way for Limp Bizkit, is jumping on the Summer 2008 reunion bandwagon, where they’ll be featured alongside the already-announced kiss n’ make-up concerts by Carcass and At the Gates. Who will care about Biohazard more than Carcass or At the Gates is beyond me, but I imagine they’ll all end up on the same European summer festival circuit soon.

-AR