It’s hard to believe that any pertinent music news could even momentarily escape a hunky, cutting-edge metal columnist like me. The internet makes it near impossible to miss stuff, but, alas, it happens. But like everyone, I insure against oversights via a network of tipsters who phone, text, and email the living shit out of me when anything happens. Seriously, anything at all: Two dozen different sources alerted me last month to The Rose Funeral guy’s new boner pics.

So yes, the system is sound, but not without the occasional lapse. Example: My point person for shitty deathcore and DevilDriver has a foxy girlfriend who keeps me abreast of movement around bands like My Chemical Romance and Fall Out Boy. She’s whipsmart and awesome (though tin-eared), but the airhead never bothered to hip me to the December announcement that Paramore’s drummer and guitarist had departed the band (Partly for religious reasons! LOLz!). Come on, girl, jeez! I need to know this stuff! By the time I heard — from a freaking magazine — it was weeks too late for me and my drummer cousin to weasel an audition for this lucrative gig. Each of us has great hair/bod/jeans and uber-skillz and no objection whatsoever to the role of background scenery for singer Hayley Williams (NSFW); we would’ve been a perfect fit. Shit!

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I think I’ve made it pretty clear that thus far, The Damned Things bore me to tears, despite being both an Anthrax fan and an Every Time I Die fan. But I was holding out hope that when I heard their debut, Ironiclast, in its entirety, my mind would be changed. That there would be some awesome hard rock on there that the band just hand’t unveiled to the world yet. I actively wanted to eat a bag of crow on this one.

No such luck. The album is now streaming in full over at Ultimate-Guitar.com, and it’s not doin’ a damn thing for me (see what I did there?). Again, it’s not terrible, just soporific. At least there are no power ballads, I guess.

But I’m sure that some of you will disagree with me, vocally, in the comments section if you’re so inclined. So, y’know. Have at it.

Ironiclast comes out on Tuesday, just in time for you to teach an old person how to illegally download it for Christmas.

-AR

Okay so I think Fall Out Boy is pretty lame, but Every Time I Die is anything but, and this is for a very good cause, so I think we should all just make like the Germans and the British at Christmas in 1914 and play nice for the sake of making the world a better place.

Last year Every Time I Die guitarist Jordan Buckley did an original pen and ink drawing (above) that was used to create the 20′ x 20′ backdrop for Fall Out Boy’s summer tour; now Buckley is auctioning off the orignal illustration and donating 100% of the proceeds to Toys for Tots, a terrific charity that, in case the name doesn’t make it clear, collects new toys and then donates said toys as Christmas gifts for needy kids. To make it even more special, the drawing is framed and autographed by Mr. Fall Out Boy himself, Pete Wentz — and if the winner would like, it can be signed by the rest of the band as well.

So like I said, this is for a great cause, and even if, like me, you’re not a Fall Out Boy fan, well, it’s an awesome drawing and it doesn’t even say “Fall Out Boy” on it! You can just ignore Wentz’s signature and appreciate it as a piece of art. The important thing is that you’ll be giving money to a great charity.

You can get more details and bid on the drawing here. If you can’t afford the price of the art (which is understandably hefty), you can learn more about Toys for Tots and other ways you can donate/help here. And if all you really want is to see more awesome art by Jordan Buckley, you can do that here.

-AR

“BIG PANTS WASTE PRECIOUS FABRIC”

Step into my Nocturnus time machine and take a magical journey with me into a time long, long ago, an excursion into a world that scarcely resembles our own. In this world — we’ll call it Moshtopia — hardcore kids are known for wearing giant, baggy pants, not skinny jeans; there are people under 30 that know who Black Flag is; and metalcore bands worship Krishna, not Christ. This is not a fanciful episode of Jojo’s Bizarre Adeventure fan fiction, my friends, — it is the strange and wonderful world of mid-90s hardcore!

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Next year’s early contribution to drunk driving accidents and teen pregnancy will come in the form of a headlining tour from Buckcherry, with support in the form of All That Remains (Making their conversion from metal to radio rock official — eat that, Atreyu!), Hellyeah, and The Damned Things.

I know that Vince is a Buckcherry fan, but they always seemed like GN’R Lite to me (vocalist Josh Todd and guitarist Keith Nelson were even in Velvet Revolver for ten seconds — Nelson retains a songwriting credit on the VR track “Dirty Little Thing”). I think I’ve made my feelings about All That Remains and Hellyeah pretty clear on this site before, but in case you wandered here via a search engine, please allow me to reiterate that the facts that I’m not inbred and I expect my singers to be able to sing disqualifies me from joining these bands’ respective fan clubs. And I want to like The Damned Things because of the presence of the Every Time I Have Anthrax dudes, but I also want to understand the appeal of Glee because Jane Lynch was really funny in The 40 Year Old Virgin, and it just doesn’t seem to be in the cards for me.

So this isn’t as lousy as, say, a Hinder tour, but, yeah, I’m gonna pass, thanks.

If you disagree with me, you can get dates here.

-AR

Yes, I know it’s goofy. No, I don’t love the song. But it was directed by Brendon Small, and it seems like these dudes were all having a lot of fun when they made it, and I found myself grinning as I watched. So, like, blow me, okay?

The Damned Things’ debut, Ironiclast, comes out December 14 on Island/Def Jam.

-AR

I can see that The Damned Things are gonna be the next point of contention here at the MetalSucks Mansion. Vince likes ‘em, but they just sound like more more boring corporate rock to my ears. And a new track streaming on the band’s Facebook page, “Friday Night (Going Down In Flames),” isn’t doing much to change my mind. I don’t think the band is terrible or anything; I just feel really meh about them. (Although I definitely like the Foo Fighters-style of this song better than their last track, “We’ve Got a Situation Here.”) If they weren’t a supergroup, would anyone care? Why does already being famous earn you the right to now be mediocre?

Meanwhile, the group has unveiled the cover art for their debut, Ironiclast. And I’m looking at this thing, and I’m thinking, “Gee, this looks familiar.”

And then it hit me! Remember Damnocracy, that very short-lived supergroup from that stupid VH1 reality show Scott Ian did with Sebastian Bach, Ted Nugent, Evan Seinfeld, and Jason Bonham? Of course you do… how could you ever forget? Well, remember what that band’s logo was? Here, I’ll remind you:

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OMFGz!!!! Members of Anthrax and Every Time I Die are sullying their cred by palling around with dudes from Fall Out Boy!!! What ever will we do?!?!

Listen to the new track “We’ve Got a Situation Here,” of course, which is not nearly the catastrophe all the readers who sent us outraged emails when The Damned Things supergroup was announced seemed to think it would be. Seeing as the band’s two guitarist are Anthrax’s two guitarists, it sounds plenty metal. Seeing as Keith Buckley is the singer, it’s got plenty of rock n’ roll swagger. And seeing as dudes from Fall Out Boy are in the band, yeah, it’s catchy. Shocking, I know, that a band actually equals the sum of its parts. But this is not a bad thing. If this song appeared on a new Anthrax album and had John Bush’s vocals (not Belladonna’s… yuck) I’d probably love it. And so would you. What’s not to like? It’s a good song.

There goes my cred… oh well! I never had any cred anyway; I’ve been raving about “shitty” bands you all hate since we started this site back in December of 2006, only back then no one seemed to care.

Stream “We’ve Got a Situation Here” at Metal Insider, then come back here and tell us what you think.

-VN

The Damned Things have been a source of gossip and interest ever since their formation was announced, even though no one had heard any actual music – ’cause when you have a band with members of Anthrax (Scott Ian and Rob Caggiano), Every Time I Die (Keith Buckley and now Josh Newton), and fucking Fall Out Boy (Joe Trohman and Andy Hurley), well, you’re gonna get people’s attention.

It seems that the band are finally ready to unveil themselves to the world right proper, though, as they’ve posted rough-mixes of two tracks, “We’ve Got a Situation Here” and “Ironiclast,” on their MySpace page in advance of kicking off a mini-tour tonight at the Knitting Factory in Brooklyn.

So what’s the verdict?

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Scott Ian will do just about anything for a buck. It all started with those VH1 talking head appearances and Anthrax’s “reunion” tour with Joey Belladonna… since then he’s lent his face to the failed Nonelouder.com, wrote a comic book, and God knows what else. If nothing else, you’ve got to respect our favorite Big Four Jew for staying motivated.

But this is the last straw. Ian, along with fellow Anthrax guitarist Rob Caggiano, has teamed up with Fall Out Boy guitarist Joe Trohman and drummer Andy Hurley, and Every Time I Die’s Keith Buckley and bassist David Karon to form the new supergroup The Damned Things. Groan…

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Yesterday, at 10 a.m., our friends at Metal Insider reported that Fall Out Boy’s Pete Wentz has recorded guest vocals for the new Every Time I Die album.

This morning at 1 a.m., they reported that ETID drummer Mike Novak has split from the band due to “personal conflicts.”

Coincidence?

While you ponder that, enjoy the new ETID song below, entitled “The Marvelous Slut.” Metal Injection discovered it floating around on YouTube. It originally appeared on a recent Hurley-Epitaph Records compilation, which you can download here.

And, yes, that is Dillinger Escape Plan’s Greg Puciato doing guest vox.

-AR

Blame it on Fall Out Boy. Shortly after these emo butt dumplings covered Pantera, Madonna did the same only to be one-upped by Gym Class Heroes covering Lamb of God. Now, behold… Nickelback covering Metallica. As much as it pains me to say it, Chad Kroeger imitating James Hetfield actually sounds better than James Hetfield imitating James Hetfield in the year 2008.

-VN

[Thanks: Travis]

Gilby Clarke is in the new Fall Out Boy video. I have no fucking idea why. I’ve posted it below in case you care, although if you choose to watch, I’d recommend turning the sound off as soon as Gilby’s speaking part is over. Pretty funny to hear Clarke condemning the use of eyeliner on male rockstars, considering he was part of the glam scene and spent 2006 touring with Lukas Skunkhair or whatever his name was.

That would be random enough, but footage of Steven Adler (and other washed-up celebs) on VH1′s Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew has been included in the new Alter Bridge video. I wouldn’t turn the sound on at all for this one, because the song if so fucking awful I’d really expect to hear it in the trailer for the next feel-good woman’s movie starring Diane Lane and whichever post-menopausal closet case was available to film this week. Clip after the jump.

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Things were a tad slow at the MetalSucks Mansion this week, whatwith a lot of the U.S. still on holiday — but between bong rips and acid trips we somehow still found time to post about some events that went on this week:

• David Lee Roth got pulled over for speeding as he was trying to rush to the hospital for an alleged allergic reaction to nuts; or did he?
• Thousands of dental hygienically challenged guys with mullets are running around Oklahoma wearing Ratt and Ozzy concert shirts from a quarter century ago are at the 2nd annual Rocklahoma festival.
• At the Gates returned to the U.S.
• Act like a Viking, win some cool Amon Amarth stuff!
• Tweeny pop band Gym Class Heroes covered Lamb of God, igniting almost as much controversy as Fall Out Boy covering Pantera.
• Opeth and Amon Amarth announced two amazing U.S. tour lineups.
• All Shall Perish released two new songs from their forthcoming album.
• Ozzy Osbourne decided to toss that last remaining shred of credibility out the window by announcing plans to launch a variety TV show.

Fall Out Boy covering Pantera, part deux: at a Warped Tour show recently, emo/pop/whatever tween sensations Gym Class Heroes played about a minute and a half of Lamb of God’s “Laid to Rest.” Somehow I think this actually might be kind of cool; everyone knows the chorus to “Walk” thanks to the corporate sodomization of Dimebag’s death, but Lamb of God? A bit more obscure, despite the Guitar Hero nod. Proof: the utter silence in the audience. Beautiful. Gym Class Heroes just earned some serious cred.

-VN

[Thanks: Metal Cracker]

I don’t even know where to begin with this. It could be the fact that Fall Out Boy is playing Pantera (albeit with Every Time I Die’s Keith Buckley — who has at least some metal cred — on vocals). It could be the voices of pre-adolescent children in the bacvkground. It could be that the band skipped the guitar solo. Has Dimebag-based rhetoric become so ubiquitous and marketable at this point that it’s acceptable for a teeny-bopper emo band to play Pantera live? Ten to one, no one in Fall Out Boy knew a note of Pantera before Dimebag’s death almost 3 years ago.

Somewhere Dimebag is rolling over in his grave. Or is he? On one hand, Fall out Boy — fucking FALL OUT FUCKING BOY — is butchering a Pantera song. But on the other hand, I guess it’s cool that kids who wouldn’t otherwise be exposed to Pantera are hearing it? Fuck it, all the kids are singing along and they clearly know the song — fuck this band, fuck them hard in the poo-holes. Fucking fuckity fuck fuck fuck.

And now the video in question, which according to Blabbermouth was filmed November 19 in Buffalo, New York at a secret Fall Out Boy show (they performed under the name Schrute Farms) at the Mohawk Place:

[kml_flashembed movie="http://www.youtube.com/v/YhR3AwGIH8I" width="425" height="350" wmode="transparent" /]

Can I get a collective sigh of “kids these days…”?

-VN