MetalSucks

I really like the Rockstar Mayhem Festival – it’s like someone went to Ozzfest and figured out a way to make it way better. Having two side-by-side second stages was a stroke of genius; there’s no downtime in-between bands, because one act can set up while another plays. The mainstage has been solid, too, although there’s always one co-headliner that’s totally missable – in other words, Disturbed and Marilyn Manson played those slots. But so have Slayer, Mastodon, and a bunch of other great bands, so there’s that.

Well, our pals at Metal Insider are reporting a few rumors as to whom might be on this year’s fest, and it looks as though the skipable band this year may very well be Korn.

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Not that we had any doubt Baroness’ Blue Record would have a strong debut, but it’s always nice to see the proof. And Skeletonwitch’s ripping new record Breathing the Fire had a great debut too; I’m elated to see the band sell as many records first week as they did. Elsewhere it was the usual radio rock / alt-metal suspects dominating the charts. Click through to see chart positions and sales figures.

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Five heavy hitting heavy hitters — Alice in Chains, Hatebreed, Austrian Death Machine, Steel Panther and Dethklok — all released new records last week. Solid 2nd and 3rd week performances from Three Days Grace, Muse, Megadeth, Five Finger Death Punch and others made it an all-around big week for metal. Let’s see how everyone fared after the jump.

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In honor of Alaskan metalcore band 36 Crazyfists’ new DVD, Under a Northern Sky (in stores October 27), a list of 35 other famous, metal, heavy, and/or crazy fists:

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Luckily for Five Finger Death Punch, being total assholes who completely lack any musical talent isn’t hurting their record sales: their new album, War is the Answer, is apparently going to sell to somewhere between 35,000 – 40,000 copies in its first week of release… and that’s just here in the U.S. That probably sounds like a lot of units moved, and you’re right. It is a lot of fucking units moved. To put it in perspective with the sales of some awesome albums that came out this week…

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Just yesterday Five Finger Death Punch announced the disappearance of guitarist Zoltan Bathory under bizarre circumstances that suggested the whole thing might be little more than a publicity ploy. Well, it took a flashlight and an anatomy lesson in the difference between one’s elbow and one’s asshole, but the band has located the machine that turned a little kid into Tom Hanks. In this cleverly worded statement on their MySpace blog, FFDP sez:

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Are we even on Five Finger Death Punch’s press release list anymore? I haven’t seen anything from them in a long time. I guess they don’t come from the “there’s no such thing as bad publicity” school of thought.

So I just read this statement from the band on Blabbermouth:

“We have not been able to locate Zoltan [Bathory, guitar] from FIVE FINGER DEATH PUNCH since Friday night’s [September 18] show in Las Vegas. He has not responded to calls, text messages, or emails, and he was last seen around 2:00 a.m. Friday night at Wasted Space in the Hard Rock Casino, taking tequila shots at the bar with a group of guys from a bachelor party who came to the show.

“If anybody has any information as to the whereabouts of Zoltan, please email ffdp AT prospectpk DOT com immediately. This is not like him and the band needs to prepare for the upcoming tour. We have already notified the appropriate authorities, but any help Vegas fans might be able to provide is very much appreciated.”

Now… that would be sad news, not worthy of being made fun of, even by someone who hates this band as much as I do (and there are few currently active metal bands I loathe more than FFDP). But Blabbermouth did some good snoopin’ and included this note with the statement:

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Five Finger Death Punch is still one of the worst fucking bands ever to have existed in this genre or any other form of music. Or just sound in general.

-AR

So playing underground metal is interesting for various reasons. There’s a real hierarchy to it. It has its own set of stars. Its own celebs. Legends. Etc. But in the grand scheme of the music industry, it’s nothing but a drop in the bucket.

Forget Metallica and the huge bands. I’m talking about everything else. Maybe these days, when records don’t sell like they used to and metal sells like it always has, it’s a bigger drop in the bucket. But check this out. A metal band sells 100,000 units. I’ts something to open up champagne and do coke off of strippers asses over. Tour buses, flat screen TVs, WOW WE’RE ROCKSTARS. Do you guys realize that on a major label in the mainstream world, 100,000 units is an abject failure?

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Here’s the new Shadows Fall video, for the song “Still I Rise.” It’s full of dudes working out and running and fighting and stuff. Mostly, though, it’s just a good chance to hear a new Shadows Fall song.

The band’s latest, Retribution, comes out September 15. A little birdie told me it’s heavy as fuck.

Shadows Fall just announced a tour with Five Finger Death Punch. Well, nobody’s perfect.

-AR

All is not lost in the world of metal; in fact, this past week brought some nice surprises, along with the usual mish-mash of shitty radio rock bands. Last week’s sales numbers, with our usual sardonic commentary, after the jump. (Hint: look at the tags below, and click “read more” if any of those bands interest you!).

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Are Five Finger Death Punch really big enough to headline already? I can’t believe that At All Cost are at death’s door, but people are buying FFDP albums like their lives depended on it. I mean, just look at that photo. If that’s the not the very definition of “recockulous,” I don’t know what is.

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All That Remains will tour next year with Chimaira (pictured above left in winter coats). That’s a pretty good bill – I’d say you should never, ever, under any circumstances miss a chance to see Chimaira live, and I’m told that All That Remains are good live, too, except that I’ve seen them twice and they haven’t been that great either time. But I guess I’d give them a third chance.

Alas, Five Finger Death Suck will be the openers. I guess we can at least be grateful that since they’re going on first, it will be easy to miss them.

Meanwhile, Throwdown (pictured above right, also in winter coats – be proud of me for choosing a theme and sticking with it) are doing a tour with Soilwork and Through the Eyes of the Dead. War of Ages will be the openers; for anyone unfamiliar with them, they’re an above average metalcore band and probably the best Christian metal band this side of post-Luti-Kriss, pre-Ross Robinson Norma Jean.

ANYWAY, I’m sure you can find tour dates through the usual channels, as I’m way too lazy to post them here.

-AR

Jesus jumpin’ Christ, this band sucks. And not only do they suck, but they seem proud to suck: I haven’t seen a band do the Korn-hop the way they do in this video since about 2002 (you know the Korn-hop: bend over so you look like you have osteoporosis or something, then bounce with the beat).

Also, why does the lead singer have a tear tattooed on his face? In prison, that tat is reserved for murderers. Did he really murder someone? Unless it was with his shitty vocals, I highly doubt it. What a bunch of phonies. Blow me.

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-AR