If you take your girlfriend out to the middle of the woods to fuck in her dad’s camper, don’t crank Alice Cooper so loud you can’t hear here screaming for her life, okay?

Also, use a condom.

Safety first, kids.

A day that is supposed to be totally fucking cursed seems pretty metal, doesn’t it?

To celebrate, here’s a heavy metal version of the theme music from the Friday the 13th series that I found on YouTube. Friday the 13th was my favorite slasher franchise in my youth (besides Sleepaway Camp, but in those days there were only three Sleepaway Camp movies and there were fucking NINE Friday the 13th movies, so Jason Voorhees wins, I guess), so, uh, yeah! Don’t go camping tonight. Or have sex. Or do drugs.

Yeah, actually, fuck it, you’re not gonna live forever! Have sex, unprotected. Do drugs. Go camping. Have a good time. Pray Jason makes your end quick.

-AR

…and any hope I had that this might be better than Rob Zombie’s Halloween just went right out the fucking window.

Michael Meyers doesn’t have mommy issues. He’s also not a hillbilly. Both of those traits describe Jason Voorhees just fine, but not Michael Meyers. Congratulations, Rob, you are now doing sub-Platinum Dunes work.

-AR

I’m not as offended by the idea of remaking/rebooting/rewhatevering Friday the 13th as I am by some of the other recent horror remakes; even though I grew up on the Friday films and love them to death (no pun intended), they were always crap, so what’s the worst that could happen with a remake?

So here’s Alice Cooper’s video for “He’s Back (The Man Behind the Mask),” which comes from the soundtrack for my personal favorite entry in the Friday series, Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives. I wonder what Jason Voorhees would make of it…?

-AR