Here’s a fun quote from a recent Sammy Hagar interview with Attention Deficit Delirium. Discussing the possibility of a reunion of the original Guns N’ Roses, Hagar says:

“They’ve proved it again and again and again that it ain’t [about] the money. They just don’t get along because Axl goes out for a lot less money with his version of Guns N’ Roses, and Slash goes out for a lot less money with Velvet Revolver or by himself. The amount of money they could make if they got it all back together, made a great record and toured the world would probably be as much as the Rolling Stones [get], and for them not to do it, it obviously ain’t about the money. Because they could do it. I would manage them. I’d be their manager and make sure they got the right deal from all the promoters. They could be the biggest band in the world if they wanted to.”

There’s three things I find funny about this statement:

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So long as Axl Rose, Slash, Izzy Stradlin, and Duff McKagan are all involved, no one would be more excited about a reunion of the original Guns N’ Roses than me. Yeah, I’d prefer if Steven Adler were the drummer instead of Matt Sorum, but that seems unlikely, and I’d be willing to settle. I’d be severely depressed about it, but I’d probably even be willing to settle for Gilby Clarke instead of Izzy if it came down to it. And I know there’s really no chance that the reunion would be great; Axl has turned into Yosemite Sam and Slash has a pacemaker and can’t run around the way he used to, so, at best, it would be a total nostalgia trip. But it would be a lot of fun, and given that Rose has completely failed to maintain a stable line-up of G&R (a.k.a. “Guns N’ Roses 2.0,” a.k.a. “Nu-GN’R”) anyway, might as well, right?

And now Guns N’ Roses are one of the fifteen finalist nominees for induction into the Rock N’ Roll Hall of Fame in 2012. And it seems like they have a pretty decent chance of being one of the five artists who will actually get in, despite the fact that they only made four albums of original material in four years and only toured for an additional two, because, well, those albums sold a gajillion copies, and inducting them would, frankly, be good for business. And so, of course, people are starting to get really excited, because if they get inducted, maybe that reunion we’ve all been dreaming about for almost twenty freakin’ years will finally happen, right?

Only here’s the thing: There is absolutely no chance in hell that the original band will reunite, even if they are inducted into a meaningless museum.

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Of all the 654 singers L.A. Guns has had over the years, Jizzy Pearl is definitely the best one whose name is a euphemism for cum. He only recorded one album with the band, 1999′s Shrinking Violet, but it was such a huge success that within months of its release, the band got rid of Pearl and reunited with Phil Lewis. This was a historic happening, not because anyone was really waiting Lewis to return to the group, but because it was the first step in the process that would lead to there being two separate bands called “L.A. Guns.” Looking back at that moment now, Tracii Guns must feel like a post-Revenge of the Sith Obi-Wan Kenobi: if only he had killed that annoying kid on Tatooine all those years ago, so much tragedy could have been averted!

I assume its Guns’ 20/20 hindsight that led him to re-hire Pearl after L.A. Guns vocalist #678, David Spade, left the band. And while in February Vince reported that the latest re-incarnation of La Guns (as they’re known in France) would be recording a new album for Steve Vai’s Favored Nations label, they’re actually just going to re-release Shrinking Violet with the perfunctory new artwork/bonus tracks. I’m guessing this is because a) Violet was never really properly promoted when it was initially released, b) it’s cheaper than recording a new album, and c) the band has somehow fallen under the impression that they need a record to tour behind, when, in fact, they are the very definition of a “legacy act.” (Actually, Tracii might have some self-awareness about being a legacy act: the bonus tracks on this reissue will be include live recordings of Pearl fronting old Guns hits like “Ballad of Jayne.”)

Here’s some live footage of the Shrinking Violet track “Dreamtime.” The re-release will occur on May 25. Shrinking Violet was produced by Gilby Clarke, a.k.a. The Guitar Player Who Tour with Guns N’ Roses for Longer than Tracii Guns Ever Did but Never Got to Write or Record Any Original Material with Them.

-AR

So Tracii Guns told Metal Underground who told me that Gilby Clarke is in the hospital. Oh noes! Tracii sez:

“Gilby got nailed on his motorcycle last night. His leg is broken in three places. It was a hit and run. I am gonna try to go see him tonight – he will be ok.”

For those of you who don’t know, Gilby Clarke was Izzy Stradlin’s original replacement in Guns N’ Roses back in ’91. Unfortunately, the poor bastard only got to record one album with them, and that album was The Spaghetti Incident?, which was a) a covers record so Gilby didn’t get no publishin’ and b) Gilby only played on GN’R's least-famous, lowest-selling album ever*. After he was fired from the band basically because Axl Rose didn’t like the way he wrote songs, he had a solo career that didn’t really go anywhere, produced some stuff (including a really good record by The Bronx), and finally ended up on/in Rockstar Supernova as the dude no one remembered being in Guns N’ Roses even though he kept saying he was.

All of which is to say that Gilby was never really a rock star even though he was kind of a rock star, which must be why he was actually nice to me when I met him as a young ‘un. Little did he know that being nice to that young dorky kid would someday buy him a nice “FEEL BETTER SOON!” post on a blog, published many hours after plenty of other media outlets had already decided to suddenly remember who he is, because putting the words “Guns N’ Roses” in any headline is still good for search engine traffic.

Here’s a Gilby solo song, “Cure Me or Kill Me,” written and recorded while he still kinda-sorta in the band. Slash plays the guitar solo.

FEEL BETTER SOON GILBY!

-AR

*Actually it may have outsold Chinese Democracy, but it’s definitely less famous than CD.

• FORMER MEMBER OF GN’R NOBODY GIVES A SHIT ABOUT DELIVERS HIS REACTION TO CHINESE DEMOCRACY TO A MIRROR: “Yes, I listened to it on a long drive to Phoenix, Arizona,” ex-GN’R rhythm guitarist Gilby ‘I Swear I’m Not Izzy’ Clarke allegedly told “a fan” (actually his reflection). “But there was [sic] too many slow-to-midtempo songs on it for my taste and some of the solos are a little overdone; they don’t match the song.” When the “fan” flattered Clarke by saying the album’s solos would have been vastly superior had Clarke played them, he chuckled modestly: “You’re too kind. Too kind.”
• CLINT LOWERY SAYS DARK NEW DAY’S FUTURE “DOESN’T LOOK GOOD.” Also: water is wet.
• MEMBERS OF SHADOWS FALL AND FATES WARNING JOIN FORCES IN 80′S METAL COVER BAND NAMED AFTER THE “BAD” DOJO IN THE KARATE KID: Still less fucktarded than being named after the dude from The Neverending Story.

-AR

Gilby Clarke is in the new Fall Out Boy video. I have no fucking idea why. I’ve posted it below in case you care, although if you choose to watch, I’d recommend turning the sound off as soon as Gilby’s speaking part is over. Pretty funny to hear Clarke condemning the use of eyeliner on male rockstars, considering he was part of the glam scene and spent 2006 touring with Lukas Skunkhair or whatever his name was.

That would be random enough, but footage of Steven Adler (and other washed-up celebs) on VH1′s Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew has been included in the new Alter Bridge video. I wouldn’t turn the sound on at all for this one, because the song if so fucking awful I’d really expect to hear it in the trailer for the next feel-good woman’s movie starring Diane Lane and whichever post-menopausal closet case was available to film this week. Clip after the jump.

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Former Guns N’ Roses drummer Steven Adler, former Guns N’ Roses/L.A. Guns guitarist Tracii Guns, former collaborator of a former Guns N’ Roses guitarist Eric Dover, and former Guns N’ Roses appreciator Chip Z’Nuff have formed a new supergroup, Guns of Destruction. Aside from being a redundant reminder of the obvious – that guns, y’know, destroy things – the name is a reference not only to Guns N’ Roses and L.A. Guns, but to Brides of Destruction, the last supergroup no one cared about that featured Tracii Guns.

It might also be a really sad way to try and invoke Appetite for Destruction, an  album that 75% of this band made no contribution to but really, really enjoy.

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Well, not really, of course.

The new front man for the (Tracii Guns version of the) band, previously identified only as a “blond,” is Marty Casey.

If you’ve never heard of Marty Casey, well, neither have I. Apparently he was a contestant on Rock Star: INXS*, which I imagine was only slightly less embarrassing than Rock Star: Supernova, if only because, unlike Jason Newstead, Tommy Lee and Gilby Clarke, no one ever had any actual respect for the guys in INXS.

In any case, at this point I imagine that anyone who still considers him or herself to be an L.A. Guns fan really doesn’t care who’s in the band, as long as the guitar player is named after some sort of weapon and they open with “Sex Action,” close with “Sex Action,” and play “Sex Action” somewhere in the middle.

Stay tuned for the announcement that Dilana is the new singer for Velvet Revolver.

-AR

*By the way, has anyone ever heard the story that INXS asked Mike Patton to replace Michael Hutchence, and he said he’d take the job if they’d let him wear a noose around his neck onstage? I have no idea if it’s a true story or not, but it’s HILARIOUS either way.