Since immortalizing hair rock bimboism in The Decline of the Western Civilization Part II: The Metal Years, it seems like Riki Rachtman has never passed up an opportunity for humiliation. His tenure as host of MTV’s once great Headbanger’s Ball could be summed up with a prolonged groan. Then, after following commercial metal into oblivion in the ’90s, the panting toady returned to my living room and doghouse thanks to the success of Bret Michaels’ Rock Of Love, as he delightfully set about wagging a judgmental finger at drunken reality show sluts. Maybe I’m out of touch, but that seems kinda contradictory to the spirit of rock ‘n roll, to which Rachtman ostensibly pledges allegiance. We love drunken sluts. We loathe responsible behavior. Shut up, Rachtman. Again.

It’s 2010 now and obviously it was with tittering anticipation that I followed Rachtman’s latest invitation to embarrassment, in which he challenged Good Charlotte’s Benji Madden, total lamewad, to a boxing match. Rachtman stated back in March:

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It’s raining in New York today. AGAIN. At least it’s warm; it’s been fucking rainy and cold for all of June (seriously… hoodie weather in June??). I feel like I’ve been cheated out of an entire month of summer. Fuck the world.

Here’s what happened this week:

• More arguing ensued over our 21 Best Metal Albums of the 21st Century… So Far list. You bitched and moaned to the tune of 444 comments (and counting) about the #11 pick of Deftones’ White Pony — just as you did last week with the debatably metal Tool (#12) and System of a Down (#14) picks — and then when we finally announced more trve/cvlt/br00tal albums you approved of (#10 Opeth, #9 Gojira, and #8 In Flames), comments were few and far between by comparison. You people are fucking morons. Especially Ziltoid.
• Rumors flew about the resuscitation of Headbanger’s Ball in 2010 with Jose Mangin as the host.
• More shit-talking between the two sparring Fear Factory camps provided us with endless amusement. We wondered aloud whether or not FF should be considered nu-metal.
• Shinedown’s Brent Smith claimed to have insider knowledge of a Soundgarden reunion, to which Axl — and possibly but not definitely Soundgarden’s own Ben Shepherd — took offense.
• We spoke with Scott Kelly of Neurosis and Vinnie Fucking Paul.

We out. Stay tuned in a couple of hours for our #7 Best Metal Album of the 21st Century… So Far. I’ll be at tomorrow night’s Black Anvil show at the new Duff’s location in Brooklyn if anyone wants to come out and hang. See you next week for more shenanigans!

First SMNnews.com reported that Jose Mangin revealed in a Metal Injection podcast that Headbanger’s Ball will return to MTV in 2010 with him as the host. Then the sleuths at Metal Insider contacted Jose himself to ask him about the situation. Mangin denies any official full-time launch of the show or his place in it, but he does promise that some plans are in the works for Headbanger’s Ball in 2010. Sounds to me like Mangin is at the very least in the running for the host job but perhaps spilled the beans a bit too soon.

But here’s the thing: can Headbangers Ball even be relevant anymore? In 2009, a TV show about metal hardly seems like it will, or even can, matter at all.

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I must have been a ”submissive” in a previous life filled with dungeons and whips and chains. That’s the only way I can explain my irrational belief that someone, somewhere can actually make a decent fucking television show about heavy metal. The good ones, like Talking Metal or Uranium get yanked, while the cool hosts, such as Jamey Jasta and Juliya, get deep-sixed as soon as they start getting popular.

Regardless, I held out hope for this fall’s newest unwanted bastard red-headed stepchild AKA That Metal Show. Not surprisingly, my hopes were ill-founded and short-lived. That Metal Show blows.

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I am currently sequestered away in my cave hammering out my next book, so I don’t have any time to look shit up. Regardless, I have a few questions niggling at the back of my brain about some issues in metal. Maybe you can help me out.

WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO…?

• Sounds of the Underground- I caught the first tour and it rocked. Second one, not so much (Trivium headlining over In Flames?). The third year’s line-up looked lame so I took a pass. Correct me if I’m wrong, but was there no SOTU this year?
• Ozzfest – Free in 2007. One show in 2008. WTF?
• Headbangers Ball – Reduced to one hour a week. No host. Time slot changes seemingly every week. Too many of the same videos played week after week.
• Metallica – No, seriously. WTFH2 these guys?
• Brian Posehn - Okay, I cheated here. This isn’t a WTFH2, but rather a request from me for one of you MSManiacs to create a YouTube clip of Brian Posehn’s metal moments on The Sarah Silverman Program. Please? Pretty please? BP is the fuckin’ man!

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Instead, viewers of the show selected Mushroomhead’s clip for “1200,” the song that promises to be four times better than the movie 300. The video was directed by House. That’s right: the cranky, quirky doctor with the cane directed a Mushroomhead video!

Personally, I think the choice sucks – even if you were gonna choose a Mushroomhead video from earlier this year, I’d think you’d at least go with a super-catchy guilty pleasure song like “Simple Survival” – but apparently more than 120,000 people voted in the show’s “Video of the Year” poll, so, uh, give the people what they want, I guess.

In a press release, Mushroomhead stated, “Fuck Slipknot. We are very proud to have won this award. Fuck Slipknot. We’d  like to thank all the fans who voted for us, and not for Slipknot. We’d also like to thank House for taking time out of his very busy schedule curing weird diseases to do our video. Also, fuck Slipknot.”

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-AR