MetalSucks

The time is nigh, my friends. VH1 declared ’90s nostalgia relevant way before its time, but now it’s almost 2010… and ’90s nu-metal nostalgia is starting to creep into mainstream culture on a more organic level. Aside from shitstains like Hollywood Undead seemingly arriving via time-warp and stalwarts like (hed)p.e. completely neglecting the passage of an entire decade (punk, dude!), the generally on-point Sergeant D of Metal Inquisition posted a retroview of Crazytown’s entire discography over the holidays. This is the man who consistently pays non-ironic tributes to Nitro, and anyone who loves Nitro non-ironically is A-ok in our book.

But yo son, for realz: Crazytown?

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No, after hearing this I only wish I was deaf.

Believe it or not, this is a NEW song. I know, I know. I thought it must be from ten years ago, too. Sorry, Joe.

-AR

Yesterday an advanced copy of the album by a certain nu metal band that shall go unnamed arrived at the MetalSucks Mansion. “Why the fuck would they send us this?” Vince wondered aloud, noting that we have never, ever, ever had anything nice to say about this particular group.

“Dude,” I countered, “At least we write about them. That’s more than I can say for most sites.”

Which got me to thinking: is there no one carrying the nu metal torch?

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Sonny Mayo’s sudden expulsion from Sevendust makes me worried that Snot might reunite – I mean, fuck, it almost happened once already just about a year ago.

For those of you lucky enough not to be familiar with Snot, they’re a band that holds a legendary place in the minds of kids who actually like nu metal, since they were poised to join Limp Bizkit as one of their generation’s most annoying bands when front man Lynn Strait died in a car accident in 1998 (I’m not speaking ill of the dead, mind you; I’m just speaking ill of the dead’s shitty music). After Snot disbanded, its various members went on to such craptastic acts as Amen, Invitro, Godsmack, and Hed PE. Hell Mayo’s replacement, Mike Smith, even usurped Wes Borland for the one Limp Suckit album that even Fred Durst’s most ardent supporters seem to think sucks.

ANYWAY, in this day and age when bands like Blind Melon aren’t gonna let a little thing like a dead front man stop them from living their rock n’ roll dreams, I would be in no way surprised if some re-jiggered version of this band tried to figure out a way to cash in. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Here’s Snot’s video for “Stoopid.” Apt description if ever there was one.

[kml_flashembed movie="http://youtube.com/v/6VjJeKoVVM4" width="425" height="350" wmode="transparent" /]

Cute dog, right? Yeah. He died in the car crash, too.

-AR

In the “(hed)p.e. level of suck” department, Ill Nino has delayed the release of their new album Enigma for at least the third time. Originally scheduled for late Summer, then pushed back to October 9, then to today (Jan. 8), and now delayed indefinitely, the band blames the continued setbacks on their label, Cement Shoes Records.

I think I just heard the faint groan of Ill Nino’s one remaining fan. Oh wait, no, that was just Axl farting.

-VN

I was confused about about the name of this tour because, well, being a “heavy hitter” is usually a euphemism for being “important,” and yet I’d heard of none of the other bands on this tour (Although I liked this description of the tour’s co-headliners: “Kingspade is just straight dope and they possess the freshness of the Kottonmouth Kings, but with a nice hip-hop twist.” First of all, describing a band’s music as “just straight dope” in 2008 is HILARIOUS; second of all, Kottonmouth Kings didn’t already have a “hip-hop twist?” I thought their music was, y’know, hip-hop?).

So I called (Hed) P.E.’s publicist for some clarification. I was hopeful that the band had finally taken my suggestion that they just rent out baseball bats and let “concert goers” beat the living shit out of them – hell, I even offered to buy a ticket that would cost at least as much as a sweet new band hoodie – but, alas, no. It’s just called “Heavy Hitters” because, to white kids who still think that Fred Durst is the future of music and that Kottonmouth Kings need more of a “straight dope hip-hop twist,” this is the tour of the fucking century.

-AR