Reader John Schwarz alerted us to the existence of the Epicenter Festival, and if you told me that the show’s bookers designed it specifically to make sure that no one from MetalSucks attended, well, I’d believe it. Look at this shitfest:

There are a handful of insanely popular, maddeningly terrible modern rock acts not on the bill — Nickelback, Korn, Linkin Park, Godsmack, Creed, and Hinder all come to mind — which is too bad, because if they were playing this fest, we’d be like one major earthquake away from being done with some of the worst bands in the history of sound. The only good news about this thing’s existence is that it has made me aware of several awful bands I didn’t previously know, so that now if anyone is ever like “Hey, wanna check out Skillet?”, I can respond, “Couldn’t you just hammer a rusty nail into my penis instead?”

-AR

Next year’s early contribution to drunk driving accidents and teen pregnancy will come in the form of a headlining tour from Buckcherry, with support in the form of All That Remains (Making their conversion from metal to radio rock official — eat that, Atreyu!), Hellyeah, and The Damned Things.

I know that Vince is a Buckcherry fan, but they always seemed like GN’R Lite to me (vocalist Josh Todd and guitarist Keith Nelson were even in Velvet Revolver for ten seconds — Nelson retains a songwriting credit on the VR track “Dirty Little Thing”). I think I’ve made my feelings about All That Remains and Hellyeah pretty clear on this site before, but in case you wandered here via a search engine, please allow me to reiterate that the facts that I’m not inbred and I expect my singers to be able to sing disqualifies me from joining these bands’ respective fan clubs. And I want to like The Damned Things because of the presence of the Every Time I Have Anthrax dudes, but I also want to understand the appeal of Glee because Jane Lynch was really funny in The 40 Year Old Virgin, and it just doesn’t seem to be in the cards for me.

So this isn’t as lousy as, say, a Hinder tour, but, yeah, I’m gonna pass, thanks.

If you disagree with me, you can get dates here.

-AR

According to Metal Undergound, Bret Michaels announced during a Canadian solo gig last night “that in celebration of Poison’s 25th anniversary, the band will be touring with fellow American rockers Motley Crue next year, who will themselves be celebrating their 30th anniversary.” That’s great news, unless you hate fun. Even with Vince Neil being bloated and winded, Tommy Lee devoting the remainder of his career to reenacting the C. Thomas Howell classic Soul Man, Mick Mars having less mobility than a corpse, and Poison being, y’know, Poison, it’s almost impossible for me to imagine this tour being anything less than awesome. Especially if they get another great glam band (by which I mean a band like Cinderella, not a latter-day cock rock wanna-be like Hinder or Saliva), to open. Seriously, just hook the alcohol dispenser up to my veins and let me go see this show. Hell, even if the just turned out to be a train wreck of drama and shit-talking, it would be awesome.

Click to read more…

Taken from the medical files of an average Hinder fan.

We’ve made our feelings about Hinder pretty well-known around these parts, but poor Cosmo Lee has somehow just discovered the truly heinous creation that is so beloved by MENSA members the world over. But because Cosmo is apparently a much more even-keeled dude than either of us are, he hasn’t pitched a fit about the fact that this band’s popularity clearly signals the impending Apocalypse – rather, he’s having some fun at the band’s expense by running a pretty sweet contest at Invisible Oranges. Here’s the gist of it, as explained by Cosmo:

Hinder’s music is repulsive yet fascinating. It’s post-grunge like Nickelback and Creed, but with opportunistic feints at glam rock and metal: music-making by focus group. The result isn’t really music. It’s hooks, spiky haircuts, and airtight audio assemblages that embody the principle of “Don’t Bore Us, Get to the Chorus!” I am in awe of its ruthless efficiency.

Some metal bands are, too – namely Edguy and Sentenced, whose later records moved from metal to hard rock. They only wish they could write hits like Hinder. So I’ve put together 10 audio clips from Hinder, Edguy, and Sentenced. Your mission is to guess which band did which ones. DO NOT USE ANY RESOURCES OTHER THAN YOUR BRAIN. Don’t use MySpace, YouTube, Last.fm, audio recognition software, or even your own music collection. That’s no fun (not to mention needless work), and it’s cheating.

The winner gets this awesome Pushead book. But even if there weren’t a great prize involved, it is a lot of fun to listen to the samples and try and figure out the answers. To be honest, never having been a fan of any of the bands involved, it all sounds pretty much the same to me… but perhaps some of you will fare better. Give it a shot right here.

-AR

Allyson at Bring Back Glam wrote a piece today singing the praises of Las Vegas’ Taking Dawn, whose new album, Time to Burn, comes out January 26 on Roadrunner. And while I’m all for a new hair metal(ish) band that makes huge, infectious metal anthems, I don’t think this band is it.

Check out the video for the title track below. Putting cute girls in your merch? A Kanye West joke? A bandana? For real?

Oh well. If the lead singer can really hit those high notes, I’ll give him props. And no matter what, this band is still better than Hinder. Then again, Montezuma’s Revenge is better than Hinder, so…

-AR

So The Village Voice – which, depending on who you ask, is either a bastion of intelligent artistic commentary or the most pretentious toilet paper in print – recently compiled a list of the fifty worst songs of the decade, and, sure enough, some terrible nu-metal found its way onto the list. Here are three notable entries, via Blabbermouth:

08. LIMP BIZKIT and JOHNNY RZEZNIK – “Wish You Were Here”
10. FIELDY’S DREAMS – “Baby Hugh Hef”
12. DISTURBED – “Land of Confusion”
14. KORN – “Ya’ll Want A Single?”
15. HINDER – “Born To Be Wild”
19. NICKELBACK – “Something In Your Mouth”
27. KELLY OSBOURNE and OZZY OSBOURNE – “Changes”

Now, I’d never argue that these are terrible songs. But of the seven songs listed above, four are covers. And I just can’t take a cover seriously as the worst pick for each of these groups.

Click to read more…

It was a crazy week at the MS Mansion. Vince passed out in the bathroom after a 48 hour coke binge only to be awakened by Axl, whom, after coming home that morning from a strip club with The Blogronaut and Dallas, was viciously attacked by a bunch of angry Hinder fans stalking him outside the MS Mansion gates. Actually, none of that happened. But here’s what did:

• Axl offered up a bounty on Hinder’s Austin Winkler.
• Chinese Democracy leaked, and almost two decades of waiting finally ended.
• Whitechapel became the new controversial band du’jour.
• The Faceless killed it on the Soundscan charts.
• Today Is the Day’s Steve Austin’s house almost burned down.
• A video of a fat kid singing along to Dimmu Borgir. Nuff said.
• Vince went Jew on Jew with Genghis Tron’s Mookie Singerman, only to find out he’s not as Jewish as he once claimed.
• Tommy Lee reformed Methods of Mayhem and Vince Neil announced plans for another solo record, sans Steve Stevens. We scratched our heads.

We’ll see you next week, albeit it’ll be an abbreviated one due to the Thanksgiving holiday here in the U.S. Toodles.

I’m sure I’m not alone when I say that high school was in no way, shape, or form the highlight of my existence. I don’t want to dwell too much on the “anguish” of being sixteen years old, but the stupid jocks who didn’t like that I had long hair, listened to metal, dressed differently from them, and was intelligent – the same kinds of people who later tried to co-opt metal and its culture with bands like Limp Suckit – called me “artsy” a lot. Which was pretty much code for “faggot,” the same way certain politicians will now use phrases like “New York elite” or “Greenwich Village thinking” as code for less savory phrases. Part of me was always kind of amused by the use of the word “artsy” as an insult – I guess “intellectual” was too many syllables for those dip shits – but part of me is always going to be sensitive to the use of the word “artsy” as a negative. Because people who use the word in a derogatory manner are basically saying “You are smart, and being smart is bad.”

Ladies and gentlemen, enter Hinder lead singer Austin Winkler.

Click to read more…

All is not lost in the world of metal; in fact, this past week brought some nice surprises, along with the usual mish-mash of shitty radio rock bands. Last week’s sales numbers, with our usual sardonic commentary, after the jump. (Hint: look at the tags below, and click “read more” if any of those bands interest you!).

Click to read more…

Now that I have your attention: there’s a new Hinder album coming on November 4, called – wait for it – Take it to the Limit. Just when I thought I couldn’t loathe this wretched tumor on the face of good taste any more than I already do, they go and name their album after a fucking Eagles song.

Click to read more…

This still doesn’t make up for having to endure two years of terrible music, but Hinder frontman Austin John Winkler (Jewish?) has been arrested for drunk driving. According to The Jonesboro Sun he was pulled over at night because his headlights weren’t on, after which the arresting officer smelled booze coming from the vehicle.

This is all well and good, but inquiring minds would like to know: whatever happened to Hinder’s thigh-impaled fan?

-VN