Last week Vince posted the above totally epic picture of Trivium playing foosball against Ghost, and while we all had a good chuckle at the time, what we didn’t realize was that the stakes of the game were actually incredibly high. See, the winners got to go open for Mastodon and Opeth, while the losers had to open for.. Asking Alexandria. Brutal, right?

A source tells us that Trivium were incredibly confident in their foosball skills, but, alas, it may have been hubris: they lost, and do, indeed, now need to go be on a tour where they are not only going to be playing support for Asking Alexandria, but will find Dir En Grey, I See Stars, The Amity Afflication, and “Shitstain on the Ass of the Universe” alums Motionless in White as their tourmates. You know things are bad when the band you’re most stoked to be on tour with are Dir En Grey, for the simple reason that at least they don’t speak English, and will therefore most likely not bother you.

I’m not going to post dates for this wretched hellspawn of a trek, but you can get ‘em here if you really need to. Meanwhile, that awesome sounding Mastodon/Opeth/Ghost tour is still technically just a rumor, but we’ll post more details as we get ‘em.

-AR

So it looks like my boyhood hero, The Ultimate Warrior, is getting his own reality web series, The Warrior Show, in which he tortures various Sumerian bands because… I really have no idea why this exists, actually. It obviously has nothing to do with music. The Warrior tells the band “I want you to prove the haters wrong,” but speaking as a hater, I don’t know how this will achieve that goal; I mean, it’s not like being in tip-top physical shape will make I See Stars’ music any better — and there are plenty of talented fat dudes in extreme music. So is it is just good cross-promotion? I can’t imagine young fans of Sumerian bands care about The Ultimate Warrior, and I can’t imagine old fans of The Ultimate Warrior care about young Sumerian bands. Then again, I am writing about this now, so I guess there’s publicity to be had. Huzzah!

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I don’t really know much about I See Stars, but based on their name and the music in the below video, I’d wager that their contribution to the arts is roughly on par with that of the Nazis who burned books.

But this vocal cover — which I first saw on Sergeant D.’s Stuff You Will Hate — is FUCKING HILARIOUS, so I’m posting it despite (or maybe even because of?) the utter shittiness of the band and song.

What really makes this video worth your time isn’t just that the kid is a total loser who thinks I See Stars are good. It’s that the kid is a total loser who thinks that I See Stars are good, and he went out of his way to make his bedroom (or wherever the fuck he filmed this) look like a recording studio, and he failed miserably at this goal. I can’t tell if he was actually standing in front of a green screen (probably more like a green sheet) or what, but that is most certainly not a real black wall behind him. I have never seen a mic set up that way in a studio, either, or, for that matter, a professional vocalist use such a cheap, shitty mic in the first place. And, as Sergeant D. himself points out, he is “wearing some $15 headphones (over his beanie, which is covering his ears).” In other words, this poor future forty year-old virgin just… does not… get it.

If you enjoy some good schadenfreude as much as I do, head on over to the original post at Stuff You Will Hate, where The Sarge has collected some other real vocal cover gems, too, including a kid doing one in his empty living room for no apparent reason whatsoever, and two fat kids crooning Attack Attack!

-AR

Trying to keep up with the changes at a music festival is like trying to herd a pack of rabid cats. The South by Southwest (SXSW) Music Festival is the biggest musical kitty corral of them all. That’s why you have me here to help you make heads or tails of all your SXSW metallic/hard rock/punk rock/experimental/etc. needs.

There have been plenty of line-up changes since my last SXSW music post over a week ago. First on the list is the welcome news that NOLA-sludgekings eyehategod will team up with doom metal pioneers Pentagram to close out the conference on Saturday, March 19 (both bands will be going on after midnight, so, technically, they are playing on March 20) at the Scoot Inn. They’ll be joined by a stellar group of bands including Cough and Naam.

Other notable additions include YOB, Slough Feg, and Zoroaster.

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Me BIG PIMPIN with a couple of my biatches at school lol, not everybody who listens to metal is a nerd!

Hey guys what’s up, thanks to Axle and Vince from Metal Sucks (link to their site) for letting me introduce myself to you guys!  I am a Junior in High School at Canyon Ridge High in Hesperia California, and pretty much just getting into metal. My uncle introduced me to these psyhcos of metal, he was in “Axle”s wedding (Axel isn’t his real name haha but I’m not telling you what his real name is you will have to find out!) and he has always been into metal, so I guess it runs in the family that we like Metal! I have been listening to metal of all kinds for like a year and a half now but I know there are a lot of bands I should check out but don’t know about and wanted to ask you guys for some ideas about what bands you think I should check out. I know you all are the experts lol!

BTW I only have dial-up 56K internet so I can’t use MySpace, Youtube, or BitTorrid or any of that so if you can just tell me stuff to buy that is what I’m looking for. My town doesn’t have a Hot Topics but they have a lot of stuff at Walmart so anything they have there they should also have at Walmart.

I like pretty much anything that is cool and heavy, so if there is anything you guys think I should check out just let me know (you can send an email to the comments and I will see it when I look at this), here is what metal bands I already like:

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