Alright, I’ll admit it: I’m a lazy guy.

I’m the kind of person who will take a job and work as infrequently and minimally as possible (were you wondering why Part 3 took so fricken’ long after Part 1 and Part 2?). I use a lot of big words on my applications and key phrases like “people-person” and “success-oriented” (second to only to the ever popular “failure-oriented”). In other words, I’m a music journalist through and through.

In the music world we lazy, uninspired writers love to curmudgeon bands for being similarly lazy … and of course, uninspired. Sitting atop our glorious thrones of self-granted influence, we, with all our forum-crawling, shit-kicking expertise criticize what we probably couldn’t do any better ourselves.

But the fact is, there are plenty of decent — and even very good — bands that are more than happy to spend an entire career ignoring our occasionally constructive criticism. After all, not every band has to break new ground to be worth your time. But what happens when groups really do take such jabs to heart?

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Axl and I were joking the other night that we might have invented the phrase “still a thing” as applied to bands/people/trends that seem to have vanished from view but are apparently not just still around but quite popular. Only fitting then that the theme of this week’s Top Hard Music Soundscan charts is “still a thing.” I mean, the molasses-like state of inertia fixed upon modern hard rock radio and the associated bands over the past decade is just astounding to look at; nothing has changed in ten years.

Since there weren’t any notable metal debuts last week to crack the Top 100 aside from those in the Top 10, this week let’s look at all of numbers 1 through 10 on the Top Hard Music chart. Prepare to be astonished and baffled by the “still a thing”-ness of every single band.

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A bunch of big records came out last Tuesday: Suicide Silence, Fair to Midland, Sepultura and Decapitated. After the jump we’ll take a look at how those and a few recent releases sold over the past week.

But first, a follow-up on a question I asked in last week’s column: how do the numbers for Arch Enemy’s Khaos Legions stack up against their past releases? I don’t have week-by-week breakdowns for each album to compare to Khaos Legions‘ cumulative total of 13,944 after five weeks, but these total sales figures for Arch Enemy’s best-selling albums should provide some frame of reference:

Anthems of Rebellion: 74,712
Doomsday Machine: 108,036
Rise of the Tyrant: 55,812
Wages of Sin: 71,688

With Khaos Legions falling off the charts in week six, that means they sold less than 1,092 units last week, the minimum number required to crack the Top 100 Hard Music Chart. Based on that I’d say it’s going to be a tough climb for Gossow, the Amotts and co. to match their past success this time around.

ANYWAY, back to last week’s big releases:

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I can’t be the only metalhead who was ever super-into [pre-Morning View] Incubus. Make Yourself dropped in 1999 during my extended break from metal, but “Pardon Me” and “Stellar” had to be two of the only heavy songs making the rounds on modern rock radio at the time that I could actually get into. Incubus had that “wow, these guys are actually really good at their instruments”-factor that very few heavy mainstream bands of the day had and they were easily a cut above of the rest, even if they did have a DJ whose job it was to stand there and passively sell records.

So, Incubus have a new song.

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It’s 2009… even if you find yourself in the unfortunate position of being a DJ in a rock/metal band long after it was considered cool (if it ever even was), you’ve pretty much been relegated to the role of the kid who was always picked last in schoolyard kickball games. They’ll try and find a role for you out of pity, but really no one gives a fuck. So here we are 10 years after Incubus’ sound has featured a DJ in any prominent way, and former DJ Gavin Koppell (aka DJ Lyfe) is threatening to kill current DJ Chris Kilmore.

Koppell was ousted in 1998 after the S.C.I.E.N.C.E. record, well before the band’s 2000 breakout Make Yourself (and by the way fuck you if you don’t think the latter is a great album). In court papers filed last week in L.A. County Superior Court, Kilmore says Koppel threatened to kill him last month over an incident that took place back in 2003. Kilmore secured a restraining order against Koppell in 2003 after the latter spit in his face. Court papers claim Koppell has been ordered to stay at least 100 yards from Kilmore and his girlfriend. Read the nitty gritty details and case history at Noisecreep.

This is like a fight between the dude who was picked last in kickball and the dude was picked second to last. It’s a battle not to be the worst. Incubus’ sound hasn’t utilized a DJ in years… whenever I hear new music from Incubus I wonder why they even keep the guy in the band, kind of like the way Lacuna Coil keeps Andrea Ferro around because… why? Also, new Incubus sucks; they pulled a Chili Peppers and went all Adult Contemporary in their [not even that]-old age.

-VN

We loved the last tour blog that Bison B.C.’s Dan And did for us so much, we’re only all-too-happy to present another! Below, please enjoy part 2; you can read part 1 here.

Sep 28 ’09 (Albuquerque NM @ Launch Pad)

The first thing that struck me about this venue was the framed posters that line the walls… Melvins, High on Fire, Fu Manchu… some killer bands have been through here over the years. I was also struck by how nice and clean Albuquerque seemed. I would later find out that the town is ranked in the top five for violent crimes in the US. Okay then, never mind.

Played with a rad band called Roñoso. Weirdest guitar tone ever but it totally worked in their crust-saw sound. Kylesa sounds fucking huge tonight. Their (hilarious) sound guy Dave is working the system like it owes him money… and it probably does.

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So. Unless you live under a rock, chances are you’re aware that the movie adaptation of Watchmen opens tomorrow. The reviews are decidedly mixed and I’m still not convinced it won’t suck, but it’s already apparently making a ton of bank in ticket pre-sales, so, uh, yeah, people wanna see this bitch I guess.

Anyways, this week iTunes had some members of the cast do their celebrity playlist thing. A few actors chose a few metal songs – Patrick Wilson (who plays “Nite Owl II”) has some Van Halen and Extreme songs, Malin Akerman (“Silk Spectre II”) has some Nine Inch Nails, Jeffery Dean Morgan (“The Comedian”) was apparently pals with Layne Staley and included “Rooster” in his mix, etc.

But Jackie Earle Haley – the Oscar nominated actor playing the ultimate right wing sociopathic fascistic badass, Rorschach – created a list that is almost entirely comprised of metal.

Terrible metal.

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In the post-nu-metal boom of the early ’00s that followed a dumbed down blueprint of that laid out by Incubus came Audiovent, a band who had been around for a while but got swept up in the tide of signings by major labels attempting to cash in on the sound of the moment. Unfortunately for Audiovent, the band became known more for the fact that three of their members were related to members of Incubus; cries of nepotism pretty much doomed this band from the start, which was a shame because they wrote at least a couple of decent rock tunes on their sometimes-wobbly Atlantic debut Dirty Sexy Knights in Paris.

My favorite was always this track, “Looking Down,” but you might be more familiar with “The Energy”, a pretty big radio hit nationwide.

Pretty sure these dudes broke up / were dropped before they had a chance to record a 2nd record, but I’d be curious to know what they’re up to these days.

-VN