MetalSucks

All I can say is: THIS IS FUCKING REAL.

Major, major props to Josh Jacobson for sending this in.

-AR

I know what you’re thinking: Two juggalo posts in one day? What did we do to deserve such treats?!?!

Well, I definitely didn’t wake up this morning and say “Let’s do two ICP articles in one day,” but then Dan And from Bison B.C. e-mailed me these AWESOME photos of the band playing a Halloween gig while dressed as Juggalos, and I just had to share…

More after the jump…

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Holy shit – did you know that there are actually people even worse than Juggalos? I saw this video on Topless Robot last night – a slideshow of fan art by so-called “Juggalo Furries,” or people “who are simultaneously into anthropomorphic animals and Insane Clown Posse.”

I couldn’t make this shit up, people. If I did, you’d never fucking believe it anyway.

This is the kind of thing that makes me wanna down a handful of sleeping pills with a tall glass of vodka. Since Vince and I are now friends with one out-of-the-closet Juggalo, I feel bad making a blanket statement like “All Juggalos are worthless fucktards.”

But I am 110% comfortable with the statement “All Juggalo Furries are worthless fucktards.”

Watch the video below… if you dare.

-AR

Monday (actually sun down Sunday, but whatever) is Yom Kippur, which is the Jewish day of repentance. As you can imagine, I have a lot to repent for, so I won’t be doing any writing. Vince may or may not be here to give all the goy their bored-at-work dose of entertainment.

In the meantime, here are some fun things that happened this week:

• Dallas Coyle talked about “borrowing ideas” and talking shit, while Eyal Levi contemplated greener grass (not that kind of grass).
• We spoke to Every Time I Die’s Andy Williams and some of the dudes from Periphery.
• We suffered through the worst Metallica cover ever recorded.
• We wondered if Juggalos should be considered a gang.
• And it’s Gojira and Burst live FTW.

See ya Tuesday.

-AR

We all know that 99.9% of all Juggalos are idiots (I know one cool one), but are they dangerous? When I think of bad-asses who wear spooky clown make-up, a lot of names come to mind – John Wayne Gacy, The Joker, Tim Curry in It – but Juggalos ain’t any of them.

Well, it looks like certain police officials here in the States disagree with me. Thus spake Noisecreep:

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Full credit goes to Reign in Blonde for finding this video. It justifies my getting out of bed this morning. Seriously.

-AR

Our bro-bros at Metal Insider have compiled some Soundscan and radio rankings from the world of metal last week for your perusal. The highlights:

Insane Clown Posse, Bang! Pow! Boom! (Psychopathic) #4, 50,000 sold
If the title of your new album closely resembles a song by the Black Eyed Peas, you might be a wigger.

Chevelle, Sci-Fi Crimes (Epic) #6,  45,500 sold
What Hollywood Undead is to ICP, Chevelle was to Tool. At least initially.

In slightly more encouraging news:

Pantera, Vulgar Display of Power (Atlantic Group) 780 sold
This is all digital sales – Amazon had a one-day sale of the album for $3.99. Not too shabby.

Get the full skinny on the rest of the charts over at Metal Insider.

-VN

MS Maniac Allan Petteruto sent us the below. It’s actually very sad. So sad that I have no desire whatsoever to make fun of the people involved. Just watch it first, then get my thoughts after the jump.

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Sometime during Mayhem on Friday, Vince and I had the heartbreaking realization that we were missing the 10th Annual Gathering of the Juggalos. I mean, FUCK, man. I was interviewing those pussies from Slayer and The Black Dahlia Murder and JFAC when I could have been watching some real performances by real musicians? Not to mention the late-night comedy in the middle of the woods with Pauly Shore. And the HELICOPTER RIDES! Oh, the helicopter rides. I don’t think I’ll ever get over missing this one. I’m weeping as I type this.

Luckily, Stuff You Will Hate’s Sergeant D – a.k.a. the only wigger that doesn’t make me wanna vomit all over myself – has found the below video wrap-up of this weekend’s activities. So at least I can live vicariously through these fine men and women:

Anton OyVey also discovered an entire page of photos chronicling the weekend-long celebration of the arts, created by the same people who filmed the above video. Check those out here.

-AR

I’ve gotten a few e-mails today from people asking me where Vince is. Well, the truth is, Vince can’t write because he’s ill. And he’s quitting the site. No, really, he quit. We didn’t fire him. Swear it. We stand by that statement.

Here’s some other shit that happened in the world of metal this week:

• We’ve heard the new Alice in Chains album, and it is good.
• Gwar’s Oderus Urungus answered some of your questions, and will answer more in the future.
• John Bush is coming back to Anthrax because Dan Nelson quit. Oh, wait, no he didn’t. Yes he did. He probably didn’t, though.
• We spoke with Poison the Well’s Ryan Primack and Sunn O)))’s Greg Anderson.
• We checked out the latest releases from He Is Legend, Magrudergrind, Novembers Doom, and Clutch.
• Unfortunately, the 10th Annual Gathering of the Juggalos really is a real thing.
• Baby-eater Dino Cazares must be stopped!!!

Alright. Time to go buy a vaporizer of my very own. See ya Monday.

-AR

The above is a fourteen-minute plus infomercial for what is apparently the 10th Annual (HOLY SHIT) “Gathering of the Juggalos,” which is, of course, an event celebrating the artistry of Insane Clown Posse, who, as you may know, made the Best Metal Album of the 21st Century… So Far. When MetalSucks contributor Dale Croverdale sent it to me, I had to watch twice and visit the official website just to believe that it wasn’t some joke. How the fuck is this happeneing?

In case you don’t have time/inclination to watch all fourteen minutes (and I really think you should make time, assuming you have a fresh pair of underwear to change into when you’re done pissing yourself with laughter), here are some of the reasons the infomercial thinks you ought to attend:

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We recently polled a wide array of musicians, managers, publicists, label reps, and writers from within the world of metal to find out what they thought the 21 Best Metal Albums of the 21st Century So Far have been. Eligible albums were released between January 1, 2000 and April 1, 2009. Each panelist turned in a ballot, with their #1 album worth 21 points, their #2 album worth 20 points, and so on and so forth. The ballots are now in and we’ll be counting down one album a day until we reach #1. Today we present the #1 album, coming in with a total of 420 points…

Insane Clown Posse, Bizzar/Bizaar (Island, 2000)
Violent J — Vocals
Shaggy 2 Dope — Vocals
Produced by Mike E. Clark and ICP

Twenty albums down and the anticipation has built for the #1 record. It looks like the panel pulled one out of left field here, as most of you probably forgot about this sleeper record that made such a big impact on metal for this new millennium. And the catch here is that it wasn’t just one record, but a DOUBLE album that takes the spot. Those records being Insane Clown Posse’s 2000 releases of Bizzar and Bizaar. Most of you have been fans of this duo since their major label debut in the mid-90s. Before there was Slipknot, before there was Mudvayne, and before there was the greatness that is Mushroomhead – there was ICP and their legion of “Juggalos.” Forget “maggots” – these fans connected with their band unlike anyone has since. Hell, what other band has had the balls to feud with Eminem, especially in such a “safe”city like Detroit?

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At least that’s what comedian Joe DeRosa seems to think and what many of you expressed in reaction to my “Failed Experiments in Human Creativity” post a few weeks back. Listen to DeRosa’s hilarious standup routine on ICP and Juggalos below [thanks: Brutal Jay, no relation to Violent J].

-VN

I’m ’bout to go party at a triple-birthday event then get rowdy at an outdoor winter BBQ tomorrow afternoon (Bacon Explosion, anyone?). But not before I can tell you what went down on MetalSucks this week:

• Dallas broke the silence on Earthsblood and told the “Blabberbitches” to fuck off.
• Zakk Wylde recorded on a Dope song, throwing his last shred of cred out the window. Yeah, Dope.
• Metal Hammer released a shady list of the best death metal songs ever. But at least Metal Hammer is still around: Metal Edge and Metal Maniacs bit the dust for good.
• David Draiman hit the singles market. J-Date.com, here comes the sickness!
• We spoke with Sunn O))) mainman / Southern Lord Records founder Greg Anderson and Sylosis’ Josh Middleton.
• We told you what we think about the new release by Dimension Zero while we asked you what you think about Lamb of God’s latest.
• Sigh’s foxy Dr. Mikannibal got naked and drank cow’s blood.
• We took shots at Camp Kill Yourself and Insane Clown Posse, and their fans took shots at us.

Peace in the mideast.

-VN

Readers of this site with a fine attention to detail know that I’m actually not a lifelong New Yorker; during those fuzzy, booze and weed-drenched years known as “college” I moved out to the wilds of Detroit, Michigan. Well, Ann Arbor… but everyone who lives within 100 miles of the place (hello, Kid Rock!) says they’re from Detroit, so fuck it. I did spend plenty of time in the city proper though and actually grew to quite like Detroit in all its abandoned glory. But among the city’s least endearing aspects was its penchant for terrible, terrible music (see above), and at the absolute bottom of the already-despicable totem pole of shit bands were the putrid shitstains known as Insane Clown Posse. People in Detroit fucking LOVE this band unconditionally. People with otherwise perfectly respectable, nay, GOOD taste in music pledge allegiance to the Juggalo nation and wear the hatchet around their neck.

Let’s take a look into the heart of the Juggalo, shall we?

Click to read more…