People all around the world love the nature-defying, super power’d MetalSucks Mansion Monkeys. And really, aside from poop being flung around wildly, what’s not to love?

Why even this past Summer Hollywood unveiled its long in-the-works movie adaptation of the story of that one time Higgins organized a simian mutiny in San Francisco (starring James Franco as a young Kip Wingerschmidt and John Lithgow as crotchety, forgetful ol’ Axl Rosenberg):

And some of you may remember The Kids In The Hall’s parody of Vince Neilstein’s rampant threats to unleash the monkeys on the unsuspecting public:

But every once in a while one of our mega-intelligent fusion-lovin’ apes gets a little too big for his/her britches, and an example must be made before the rest follow in rebellious suit.  We started calling it “ironing the monkey” — the MS version of branding your cattle, and unsurprisingly it’s quite effective.

Here’s what you do: let an insignia-clad iron heat up to peak temperature, drag a misbehaving monkey out into the middle of the arena (cuz yeah of course we have a bona fide arena in the Mansion) whilst the others watch on in sheer panic and terror, and brand the little fucker on his/her hairy bum…  Our iron has a big protruding “MS” protruding on it, so if you see that stamped on the ass of a monkey you’re sodomizing, you know where to return the beast after you’ve finished.

We got the idea from this band, which very well may have gotten the idea for its name from this movie:

Circle of life.

-KW

When I look back at the last twenty years, there is perhaps no more important musical entity in my life than England’s EARACHE RECORDS (srs). Back when I was a little kid on a quest to find the fastest, most cock-smashingly brutal music I could get my hands on, I stumbled across a copy of the legendary Grindcrusher compilation, and I’ve been hooked on death metal ever since. As my gateway to metal, Earache will always have a special place in my heart– and when you care for someone as I do for Earache, it hurts to see them lose their way, stumble, and fall as Earache did in the 90s and 00s. I had written them off as yet another band/label/artist who has a brief moment of brilliance, burns brightly, then fizzles out before dying in undignified circumstances [via Vincent Van Gogh]. But I am happy to report that I couldn’t be more wrong! Earach is back on the horse, stronger than ever, and signing more relevant, exciting bands than ever (srs).

In this post, I will briefly recap the label’s history in three sections to bring newer readers up to speed on Nottingham’s finest export. I will then share my thoughts on their current signings and solicit suggestions on which bands the label should sign next– hopefully Dig is reading!

Click to read more…