Man, Aerosmith guitarist Joe Perry is having a rough month. First, his arch-frenemy Steven Tyler finalized a spot on that TV show about pre-failures caterwauling hit songs while nervous. And this follows know-it-all beardo John Kalodner’s description of Perry as “completely wrong,” “jealous,” and “ultra-pissed off,” which supposes that Perry hoped that the AI judge seat was to be shared by the Toxic Talkshit Twins. Actually that would’ve been cute, every week Tyler perched gamely on Perry’s lap, stroking his abs while some featureless shriek-droid performs “Don’t Stop Believin’” to a theater of fame-wet spectators. Well, that’s what I dreamt last night anyway. Cough.

Anyhow, when Perry awoke and rolled off a pile of my money this morning, he was probably too crabby to just ignore the announcement that his band is the latest victim of an Atreyu Cover Version attack. It happened to Bon Jovi in 2004, when Atreyu launched an emo-guided missile of Twilight-level corniness at “You Give Love A Bad Name” (I complained all about it on The Deciblog). Then, an unapologetic lameness mine overturned both Faith No More’s “Epic” and “Clean Sheets” by The Descendents in 2008 and holy shit let’s not validate that type of ear-terrorism with discussion of any kind. (It never happened if everyone on Earth denies it. You fuckin’ deny that shit.)

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So I can’t keep track of what the fuck is going on with Aerosmith these days, mostly because I barely care on account of the band’s “let’s never release anything musically relevant ever again” policy; I know Steven Tyler and Joe Perry hate each other, though, and even though Tyler is still in Aerosmith (at least for now), I guess he’s doing some solo stuff anyway.

Like this song called “Love Lives,” which Ain’t It Cool News has helpfully pointed out is in the trailer for this new Japanese space opera, Space Battleship Yamato. As a matter of fact, Tyler apparently wrote the song specifically for movie. I don’t know why he would want his lead solo track going in a Japanese film which will most likely be watched in other countries only by nerds of the highest order; I assume the thinking was, “Well, one of my biggest hits was in Armageddon, so I should try to re-create that success with a power ballad in another sci-fi action flick,” and then everyone in Hollywood was like,”That’s fine, but only if it’s with Aerosmith,” and then Tyler was like, “Fuck that,” then the Japanese were all, “We’ll take it!” ‘Cause Japan is where dudes like Sebastian Bach are still popular.

No word on when/if this flick will get a release date outside of Japan, but presumably Tyler’s song will end up on the internet sooner or later.

-AR

So in case you haven’t been following the madness, late last year it looked like Steven Tyler was leaving Aerosmith, and then he came back and things were s’posed to be all hunky-dory in the Aerocamp, and the band has even been touring again. And then suddenly it was announced that Tyler is gonna be one of the new judges on American Idol, and, that news seemed to divide the Aerofamily yet again.

Then, earlier this week, things took another interesting turn when Joe Perry ass-bumped Steven Tyler right the fuck off the stage during a show. We got a lot of e-mails about it, but didn’t write anything because it appeared to be a perfectly harmless accident with absolutely no deeper meaning:

But Napoleon once said “There is no such thing as an accident,” and I think Freud probably would have agreed with him. And so the above incident might reasonably be considered the physical answer to a Freudian slip.

And now Tyler has slipped Perry right back, bopping him on the head with mic stand — again, “by accident” — at a recent gig (go to the :32 second mark):

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Oh, baby! There has been escalation in the volatile Aerosmith situation. Until this weekend, it was a case of a lead singer gone coconuts after too many spills and pills vs. his semi-hetero life partner/drug buddy and the other three guys. Since Steven Tyler seems kinda, um, relapsed and not into Aerosmith, the upper hand goes to Joe Perry, whose public support comes in return for promises of more touring and a real Aerosmith record.

Arms were twisted, so Aerosmith is on tour; then the fragile, contemptuous truce was rocked by Tyler’s recent threats to join American Idol‘s panel of insightless windbags. Perry, noticeably aggrieved, returned to the press to gripe and, frankly, his case is stronger than ever. It was four on one, yet the four were hostages. But that was until Monday when blam!!! The balance has shifted. It’s a power struggle!

Drummer Joey Kramer told Billboard.com: ”We’ve been talking about it the last couple of days, and it’s made me come to realize what a positive impact it could have for [Aerosmith]. The possibilities are kind of infinite with something like that happening, us being exposed to a whole new generation of people. So we’ll see what happens. It should be interesting.”

I bet Perry was like, “The drummer went over to Steven’s side? That fuckin’ shank!” All the same, Kramer’s statement is meaningful; Tyler’s cross-generational marketing prowess — not Aerosmith music — is responsible for the band’s prolonged success. So I can see how Joey K. would trust him now, though Tyler is currently way batshit insaner than he was circa Get A Grip. Oh, and only a drummer could fail to notice that American Idol is not exactly the portal to the young wallet like hip-hop, MTV, and big soundtracks once were. I’m sure Tyler even knows that, which means Idol was his third or fourth choice after The Hills and Jersey Shore. Think about that shit.

-ADF

Ugh, I absorb a lot of insults from my elitist friends for loving Aerosmith. But the scary thing to consider is how often strangers casually slam Aerosmith. Anti-Aerosmith vibe is everywhere! Like, my Pump tee might as well read Who Farted? judging from the eye-rolls I got at the library yesterday. At the bar the day before, I rocked “Deuces Are Wild” on the jukebox and when I returned to punch in “Rag Doll,” it was requested that I not wreck a perfectly nice Sunday afternoon with, ahem, “faggot music”. (I face-blasted that guy with Boston’s “Foreplay/Long Time.”)

But please, good people, you don’t need to put me down for lovvvvvvvving Aerosmith with my entire being across space and time; I already feel pretty bad about it. Everybody everywhere holds you responsible for how they’ve overstayed their welcome by, um, two decades! They say the band is so corny and hideously dressed. And their songs are not theirs. And by the way what in the motherfuck is an aerosmith?

I know all that! And don’t bother pointing out that Aerosmith may reach a new apex in annoying if Steven Tyler is indeed to be a regular on American Idol. You non-fans think you’re annoyed by this new way Tyler has discovered to tunnel into your life, but the major beef belongs to fans like me, who squirm whenever Tyler devotes energy to non-Aerosmith activities. His resources are finite in an very real and very immediate way. This is a fact: Our days are numbered. So please, Steven Tyler, just make one last great fucking Aerosmith record, then go on and sack-tickle Randy Jackson under the table all you want. Eye on the ball, please, Steven Tyler.

-ADF

I am going to assume that a decent portion of the followers of this site are themselves musicians with bands of their own. That is generally how it goes with metal. There are seamless lines blurred between the “fans” and the “bands” because, like myself, many metal patrons represent both categories. Without this large sector of musician fans, technically proficient bands that cater directly to this base (like Dream Theater, Meshuggah, and Necrophagiast) would be much less successful. So to those musicians, I would like to use this blog to shine a light on one of the harsh truths in all music and entertainment that many musicians choose to ignore -

Image matters a lot in this industry. In fact, it’s probably just as important as the music.
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Today was Friday the 13th, but absolutely nothing bad happened to me. I mean, the night is young so shit could still go horribly awry I suppose, but all in all, I had a pretty good day – nay, I had a pretty good week. If only the same could be said for the world of metal. Here’s some disasters the plagued various musicians this week:

• Slash completed his decade-long indoctrination into the Metallica “Fuck Our Fans” Club.
• We’re not sure if Steven Tyler is still in Aerosmith or not, but we are sure that we don’t give a fuck either way.
• There was a lot of controversy over a really, really ugly painting.
• No can explain to me why I should care about Alter Bridge.
• Fear Faction ate s’more babies, released a new song.
• R.I.P. Jerry Fuchs.

And, oh yeah, some good news: MetalSucks is going to do a digital release of The Binary Code’s Suspension of Disbelief on December 15 for just five bucks! Get stoked.

Alright. I’m off to go hear Vince spin. Have a nice weekend everyone. Next week we have another extra, super-duper special surprise for you…

-AR

I mean, come ON! Does anyone, including Perry and Tyler themselves, actually believe that a) Aerosmith will continue on with a different singer, and b) Tyler won’t eventually go back to the band again? For fuck’s sake, what a load of horseshit. Tyler will go off and do his own thing for a year or two and then there’ll be an inevitable “OMG!! Aerosmith is back!! For possibly the last time ever!!!” reunion tour. Can we please just skip the bullshit and stop pretending like this won’t happen?

Shut the fuck up already. For the love of God. Have some damn class. Not like they’ve had a decent album in nearly 20 years anyway.

-VN

UPDATE: Crisis averted! Apparently Steven Tyler made a guest appearance at a Joe Perry gig last night and announced “I am not leaving Aerosmith.” I win! Thanks to Mr. Suarez for the below video.

Everyone seems to be losing their shit because it looks like Aerosmith might break-up. I’ve read so many fucking puns on the album title Permanent Vacation this week that I am now 99.9% sure that most people writing about the band have never even heard of another fucking Aerosmith album (See what I did with my headline, fellas? They also have some song titles that could be appropriate for this particular occassion. Get it together, you lazy motherfuckers.). And besides, there’s a couple of things we need to consider:

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