via The Chive, in case the logo didn’t make that clear

Can someone please try the above but with metal? I don’t really care if it’s death metal or power metal or whatever, just make sure you film it and send it to me. Also, don’t get arrested. Thanks.

ANYWAY, here’s some shit we did this week:

• We debuted new music by Scale the Summit and Junior Bruce.
• We learned about the NBA from God Forbid’s Doc Coyle.
• We spoke to Alex Webster from Cannibal Corpse and Kris Norris from A Cancerous Affair.
• We checked out the latest album from Goatwhore, hardcore 7″s from Losin’ It, Appalachian Terror Unit, and Overlooked, and free releases from Autolatry, Yellow Eyes, Agartha, and Uvikra.
• We were surprised to learn that bands like this still exist.
• We were reminded that Juggalos are hilarious.
• We learned that Greg Puciato is dating the porn star Jenna Haze.
• We also learned that Bill Ward isn’t participating in the Black Sabbath reunion.

Okay, five o’clock! Time to punch out! Who’s got a joint?

-AR

We haven’t made fun of Juggalos since before this past October, when the short documentary American Juggalo finally achieved the impossible and made Juggalos seem — gulp – sympathetic.

But then this yutz comes along and reminds us, “Oh yeah, these people are FUCKING STRANGE.”

(click to enlarge)

I don’t know if I’d be relieved or disappointed if this turned out to just be a joke.

-AR

[via Film Drunk... thanks to Rob Liz for the link]

Of course, the Oscar for Best Documentary, Short Subject will actually go to something about, like, crippled third world crack babies suffering from both HIV and terminal cancer, but that’s a crock — director Sean Dunne should totally get it for his twenty-minute American Juggalo (below), a very straightforward, non-judgmental series of interviews with ICP fans at The Gathering of the Juggalos. I’m not sure it made me any more sympathetic to their plight (for example, there’s a girl who calls herself “Maniac” and claims to be high only “on life,” but even if that’s true, she should start telling people that she’s high on crystal meth, because the other option suggests that she was dropped on her head as a baby),  but it did give me some new understanding of them as people. For example, there’s a girl early on who claims she became a Juggalo because another Juggalo took her in when her family had abandoned her, and while that’s very sweet in theory, it’s also how cults recruit new members, so… yeah.

ANYWAY, you need to watch this because it’s highly entertaining (and beautifully photographed). Be forewarned: it’s NSFW due to nudity.

-AR

Thanks to everyone who e-mailed us about this!

We keep getting e-mails regarding the below video of Charlie Sheen at The Gathering of the Juggalos this past weekend, because allegedly it shows how he was booed and pelted with bottles and generally not met with a warm greeting from all the little Ninjas. “How are you guys not all over this?!?!” one reader even asked.

Thing is, it doesn’t really show any of that fun stuff. I think I counted four bottles thrown at Sheen, and he doesn’t seem particularly offended — in fact, he catches two of the bottles, and is met with applause for doing so. There aren’t even any really audible boos until he announces an act and walks off the stage, and it’s not clear if the crowd was booing Sheen or the upcoming performer. So it’s not like this was a repeat of the Tila Tequila incident from last year’s Gathering.

In other words: this video is not that entertaining, but if you wanna see what all the fuss is about, here it is.

-AR

Word to the wise: don’t give up on the above video just ’cause it’s not metal. Stick with it. You will be pleased. Honest Injun.

And after you’ve watched, why not review some of our top stories from this week? For example –

• We debuted new music from Leprous and Ihsahn.
• Daath’s Eyal Levi declared that not all people are created equal.
• Francesco Artusato from All Shall Perish and Aaron Beam from Red Fang told us about their live rigs.
• We checked out the latest releases from Today is the Day and Eschaton.
• Vince, Anso, Gary, and Leyla unveiled their respective favorite albums of 2011 thus far.
• We started celebrating 31 days of Faith No More.
• We got an in-depth analysis of the genius of Crazy Town.
• We suggested that the Insane Clown Posse might wanna re-think their stance on concert security.
• We hired Manowar to play our next office party.
• We broke the news that Last Chance to Reason have parted ways with two members.

Next week we make the biggest announcement of our lives. Be there or be be square.

-AR

Earlier today, Noisecreep published an interview with Insane Clown Posse’s Violent J. (his mommy calls him “Joseph Bruce”) regarding this year’s Gathering of the Juggalos. And while perusing said interview, I came across the below quote… emphasis at the end is my own:

“It’s hard to be a Juggalo. It’s not cool. We are the most hated band in the world. But when you get together with other people all over America, who do the same shit you do, it’s wonderful. I was even reading what reporters said last year, reading stories that came out after The Gathering, where writer were saying that ‘I was so surprised by everyone’s warmth and happiness.’ That’s why there is no reason for cops or tough ass security guards; it’s not on that kind of show.“

And that particular assessment piqued my interest, because in case everyone has forgotten already, at last year’s Gathering, the Juggalos did this to Tila Tequila:

Click to read more…

In June, ICP released their annual infomercial for their annual Gathering of the Juggalos, the largest music festival I still can’t believe a) exists and b) has never been napalmed. That commercial ran twenty-seven minutes long, or about a minute for every IQ point of your average Juggalo, so you’d think that everything there was to be said about this ridiculous event had, indeed, been said.

But you’d think wrong. Not only has ICP now released a second infomercial for the Gathering, but this one is THIRTY-THREE MINUTES LONG. To give you some idea of how crazy that is, keep in mind that a single episode of a half-hour network sitcom only runs about twenty-two minutes (the other eight minutes being, of course, devoted to commercials).

Why do these things have to be so friggin’ long? Do Juggalos really need to be convinced that they should attend this thing? Did adding Charlie Sheen to the line-up merit more than another half-hour of material? Or did some poor starving child ask the group for a donation, and they were just like, “Fuck you, we’re making a thirty-three minute commercial for our festival instead?” The mind boggles.

-AR

[via Metal Insider]

My DVR has been busted the past few weeks, but I finally got a new cable box on Saturday morning and, thus, was able to record Saturday Night Live for the first time in awhile — which is to say, I was able to resume the whole “Why the crap do I record this” internal debate. ‘Cause these days, SNL is funny approximately five times every season.

Not especially funny: the sketch institution’s latest parody of the Gathering of the Juggalos, this one, Easter-themed. Everyone knows we love making fun of Juggalos here at MetalSucks, so my objection to this sketch isn’t the topic is played-out; it’s that they’re telling the exact same jokes every time they do one of these things. They need to find something new to add to the formula, or cut it the fuck out.

I also saw an off-Broadway play this weekend, Peter and the Starcatcher, which, despite being a prequel to Peter Pan, featured a much, much funnier parody of Juggalos. I’m not sure how many people in the crowd understood the reference, but, uh, yeah, if you live in New York and you can spare the time/money, go see that shit before it closes in two weeks. It’s pretty amazing.

-AR

A++++ WDBWA to whoever put this together; we can’t believe it wasn’t done years ago.

Can I get “Bop bozadee bozadee bop zitty bop” in the house?

-VN

Thanks: Mykee Shaffer

My bros from the popular easycore/pop band Fight Fair

Spend a few minutes observing the crowd at a metal show, flipping through the pages of Decibel, or reading MetalSucks, and jot down the first words that come to your mind. If you’re like me, your list will contain many of the following phrases: “low self-esteem,” “poor social skills,” “inferiority complex,” “outcasts,” “doughy physique,” “repellent personality” and “virgin.” It’s not just that I’m an ignorant, elitist dick, I also have the support of the world’s leading scientists:

Social animals in a hierarchic community have a certain rank. Three of these ranks have attracted special attention in ethology and been given special names: alpha, beta and omega.

A beta animal is an animal that will act as a new alpha animal if the old alpha dies. In some species of birds, the males pair up in twos when courting, the beta male aiding the alpha male. The beta male does not generally get to mate with the female birds, but if the alpha dies, he takes over the alpha’s females, becoming the new alpha. Omega (usually rendered ω-male) is an antonym used to refer to the lowest caste of the hierarchical society. An omega is subordinated to all others in the community. The omega is commonly the last allowed to eat.

Lettuce be reality, brahs: listening to metal is beta as fuck. But it begs the question: is there a way to be alpha, yet still listen to metal??? In short, the answer is YES, as long as you play your cards right. Because I find it so rewarding to give back to the community, in this post I will give you all the tools you need — details after the break!!

Click to read more…

So anyone else catch It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia last night? I’ll assume a lot of you did. But in case you didn’t — it became the latest program to address America’s Juggalo problem.

What was interesting about the approach, however, was that instead of lampooning Juggalos, it looked at the ways in which Juggalos are persecuted, as the character of Charlie begins to mentor a young high school-aged Juggalo, whose name I believe was “Ricky,” and who was suffering from being bullied from the non-retards at his school. It was really quite touching, and it’s nice to see It’s Always Sunny being so socially conscious.

I haven’t been able to find any video clips of the episode to post, but here are some stills, courtesy the Juggalo site t-j-e.net.

So far today I’ve written about poor Pathology being in a serious bus accident, Attack Attack!, Oceano, and ICP. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, someone send me some good news before I slit my wrists.

-AR

We got so many fucking e-mails about this video of Tom Green at the Gathering of the Juggalos that I have to assume they all came from Mr. Green himself, using a variety of different e-mail addresses and IPs, or that he begged lots and lots of his friends to e-mail us and get this posted. For, surely, if this many people still thought Tom Green was worth a damn, he’d still have a television show on a major network, he’d still have a film career, he’d still be shtupping Drew Barrymore, and he most certainly would not be at the Gathering of the Juggalos, where careers (and dignity) go to die.

So why am I posting it anyway? Because my fascination with Juggalos just will not end. To any Juggalos who may be reading this site (and I know there are at least a few of you): Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you people?!?! You’re like the Nazis, but less organized.

I’m also posting it for the Gallagher cameo at the end. Holy shit, man — frickin’ Gallagher is still alive.

-AR

Tila Tequila is one of these ladies who is famous for reasons I don’t really understand. I’m reading her Wikipedia page right now, and it looks like she got her start posing for Playboy, because I guess some guys like any woman who will take her clothes off, even if she looks like Gollum with fake tits. Then she did some acting, by which I mean she played “Hooters Girl #3″ in the unwatchable I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry. And then she got a VH1 reality dating show, because VH1 is where people with VD go to find true love, or, at least, someone to fuck until next season. And I guess she put out some music, too, because that sort of thing is no longer based on talent, but, rather, access to a computer, and every famous-for-no-particular-reason person in the world now puts out an album sooner or later.

So. The Eleventh Annual Gathering of the Juggalos took place this past weekend, and I don’t know who books/curates/whatever that event, but my impression is that they’ll take anyone. If you’re moderately famous and willing to play their festival, the organizers will gladly have you. And I guess it didn’t occur to anyone that Juggalos are used to fucking girls who looks like this and, thus, would probably get overly excited by the site of a woman who looks like Tila Tequila. And so Tequila took the stage at said Gathering… and was promptly attacked by the crowd of rabid horny mongoloids.

She told TMZ, an institution that represents everything right with the world:

Click to read more…

SXSW is, by far, the coolest music festival on the planet. Up until the last few years, however, heavy metal has always been the unwanted step-child.

I remember fighting with the SXSW organizers back in the late 80′s/early ’90s about bringing more metal to the fest. Their seeming non-interest in our favorite genre led to me and my best friend and fellow college radio metal show DJ Ray Seggern to host our own non-fest showcase at the old Riverside Drive Dollar Theater, featuring bands such as dead horse, Agony Column, and Sedition, long before non-fest showcases became the norm. The show was a huge success and even led to dead horse signing with Big Chief Records. SXSW, however, would not budge, and the metal pickings remained paltry over the next several years.

I was finally able to crack through SXSW’s anti-metal stance in 1996 when I brought one of the bands I managed, 16Volt, to the Backroom, along with Burn (which featured several ex-members of Skrew), Fear Factory, and Earth Crisis for an officially SXSW-sanctioned showcase. The concert was a huge success, and the presence of metal at the conference has slowly grown ever since. The metal pinnacle (or nadir depending on your perspective) culminated with the 2009 appearance of Metallica at Stubbs’ BBQ.

Now, you can help bring even more metal to SXSW by voting on which panels will be represented at next year’s music festival. I have been kind enough to peruse the 298 panel idea submissions and found three (yep, only three) that might be worth your headbangin’ time. Take a gander at these ideas, sign up (it’s free!), vote, and feel good about spreading the disease.

ARE METALHEADS SMART ENOUGH TO BE ONLINE?

This was submitted by Canadian metal blogger Laina Davis of Hellbound and will focus on the online community of metalheads. Hopefully, our very own Monkey Wranglers, Axl and Vince, will be on board.

Click to read more…

So I guess one of the dudes in Insane Clown Posse is named Violent J, and he has a kid, named — wait for it –Violent JJ. And Violent JJ has now released a music video, “Bad Bad Man.” He seems to be the man of the title, even though this morning I took a crap that was bigger than he is.

I know it’s not nice to make fun of a little kid, especially when he had absolutely zero chance in this world; I mean, he’s basically stuck in a real-life version of I Am Sam, except that for some reason, no one is trying to take him away from his mongoloid father. Still, for that same reason, I predict that this kid will grow to be an increasingly large waste of resources, and therefore I have the right to give him shit preemptively.

By the way, remember in the “Miracles” video when the ICP dudes were, like, all freaked out ’cause each of them has a kid that looks like them, and that’s somehow a miracle and not just the way genetics work? Well, I actually think this kid looks more like the other guy, Shaggy 2 Dope. Is it possible Violent JJ should really be named “Shaggy 3 Dope?” Do you realize how funny it would be if it turned out his was dipping his clown popcicle in his partner’s Juggalette’s cotton candy*?Now that would be a fucking miracle.

-AR

*By the way, these are real terms Juggalos use for “penis” and “vagina.” I looked it up. In case you needed any further proof that these people are emotionally stunted, they need to use confection names because they can’t say “penis” or “vagina” without laughing.

My homeboy Rob over at Metal Injection thinks that this year’s retardedly long (and just plain old retarded) infomercial for Gathering of the Juggalos isn’t as funny as last year’s, and I suppose it is an inferior sequel — but only slightly so. The rear-screen projection is priceless, the promises of meeting new friends and lovers delicious, and I’ve never seen anybody spell “camaraderie”  as “comradery” before (although Google seems to think it’s legit).

Also: poor, poor Tom Green. He used to fuck Drew Barrymore, and now he does this. Sad.

-AR

It would be wrong to make fun of homeless kids, so I’m not gonna do that. I’m just gonna ask what ICP is doing to help these young fans get off the streets. Is there a clown outreach program or something? Wouldn’t it be a miracle to contribute to getting these youths back on their feet? Charity — how the fuck does it work?

-AR

Thanks to everyone who e-mailed this to us.

OHMYGODJUGGALOSPLEASESTOPMAKINGITSOHARDNOTTOLAUGH!!!!!!!!!!

I guess I should just accept that I’m never going to stop making fun of Juggalos. Because they keep doing such incredibly stupid shit. Their latest folley? Giving sex and relationship to Nerve.

Let me repeat that: Juggalos are giving advice on sex and relationships. That’s like asking Adolf Hitler for advice on getting along with other cultures.

Here are some choice samples:

Click to read more…

Saw this on Metal Injection, via SMN. Pretty self-explanatory, methinks. At least these kids seem to have a shred more intelligence than your average ICP fan. A shred. But just wait until this phenomenon spreads and we’ll talk then.

-VN

He didn’t. He’s probably never heard of ICP. And if he has, he probably laughed, and then promptly forgot about them and went home to roll around in his giant piles of money.

But nobody tell this nitwit:

I wanna stop making fun of the Juggalos… I honestly do… but they just keep making it so goddamn easy. STOP BEING SO RETARDED, JUGGALOS, SO I CAN SHUT UP ABOUT YOU ALEADY.

-AR

[via RiB]