OHMYGODJUGGALOSPLEASESTOPMAKINGITSOHARDNOTTOLAUGH!!!!!!!!!!

I guess I should just accept that I’m never going to stop making fun of Juggalos. Because they keep doing such incredibly stupid shit. Their latest folley? Giving sex and relationship to Nerve.

Let me repeat that: Juggalos are giving advice on sex and relationships. That’s like asking Adolf Hitler for advice on getting along with other cultures.

Here are some choice samples:

Click to read more…

Saw this on Metal Injection, via SMN. Pretty self-explanatory, methinks. At least these kids seem to have a shred more intelligence than your average ICP fan. A shred. But just wait until this phenomenon spreads and we’ll talk then.

-VN

He didn’t. He’s probably never heard of ICP. And if he has, he probably laughed, and then promptly forgot about them and went home to roll around in his giant piles of money.

But nobody tell this nitwit:

I wanna stop making fun of the Juggalos… I honestly do… but they just keep making it so goddamn easy. STOP BEING SO RETARDED, JUGGALOS, SO I CAN SHUT UP ABOUT YOU ALEADY.

-AR

[via RiB]

The United States is devolving; might as well have some fun at its expense, right?

So. Earlier this year, a dill pickle was able to accrue more fans on Facebook than Nickelback; now, in another move of social networking genius, someone has started a FB page entitled “Illegal immigrants can stay, deport the juggalos.” (“Because at least illegal immigrants aren’t making a mess in Meijer toy aisles at 3 AM.”) As of this writing, the page has more than 64,000 followers, which, the page’s administrator is quick to point out, is larger than “the number juggalos previously thought represented the entire population of the world.” If Wikipedia is to be believed, it’s also more than three times as many people as attended the 2009 Gathering of the Juggalos, which makes me wonder if the next move shouldn’t be to organize some kind of anti-Juggalo rally near the location of the fest’s 2010 edition. I mean, that’s what the Tea Partyers would do, right?

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Because MS Suckalo Mykee Shaffer sent us a link to a Cracked blog by Daniel O’Brien. In the article, Mr. O’Brien attempts to help ICP clear up some of their confusion about “miracles” by offering them a new text book to study  -Learn Your Fuckin’ Science with the Insane Clown Posse, which was apparently authored by Fuck Scientists:

I’ve created a juggalo-friendly textbook, taking into account the song’s claim that they “don’t wanna talk to a scientist,” who they consider to be a “lying motherfucker” intent on “getting [them] pissed.” To that end, every lesson will be directly based on actual ICP lyrics, and every page will be packed with in-your-face juggalo clown-rage. Or, the best clown-rage I can muster.

I used to read O’Brien on a regular basis, but then something got all fucked up with my RSS feed and now I basically never remember to check him out. But everything he writes is gold. GOLD, I TELL YOU! I mean, just check out this little sample:

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Earlier this week, MS reader “seasonswithered” e-mailed us about a story Nightline recently did about Insane Clown Posse, and, specifically, if they’re responsible for Juggalos who have committed violent crimes over the course of the past few years. seasonswithered promised that if we watched the video, “For the first time, you’ll be on [ICP's] side,” and now that I finally have gotten around to watching it, I can say that seasonswithered is right.

Don’t get me wrong: this music is terrible, and ridiculous, and the dudes in ICP are clearly only slightly smarter than an amoeba. But blaming them because some of their (even) less intelligent fans may have taken their lyrics too seriously is on par with blaming Ozzy Osbourne ’cause some kid shot himself, or Marilyn Manson for Columbine, or take your pick of times metal has been unfairly held responsible for some heinous act. If it turned out that there was a serial killer who turned out to be a huge fan of Cannibal Corpse, would you wanna see George Fisher and Alex Webster strung up by their toes? Of course not.

In other words: I may not respect what ICP does, but I respect their right to do it.

Check out the Nightline report below and see what you think.

-AR

Like watch the Rob Zombie-directed episode of CSI: Miami so that I could make fun of it today. But I got distracted by the pile of new shit that arrived at the Mansion steps yesterday, and spent my evening listening to new music – in other words, I actually did something worthwhile.

Luckily CBS is streaming the episode, so I can watch it at my convenience and make fun of it later! Three cheers for technology! And Kubrick thought we’d have commercial space travel by now. What a dope!

The episode isn’t embeddable but you can get to it by clicking on the below screen shot of John 5 in a comedia dell’arte mask. Yep, Zombie’s band is apparently in the episode, playing one of his new songs. And you thought he was directing a CSI episode for the artistic challenge.

Meanwhile, Metal Insider tells me that last night’s episode of Law & Order was a ripped-from-the-headlines story a Juggalo killing his family; the real-life Juggalos apparently have their panties in a twist about it. You can read more about the episode at MI… there doesn’t seem to be a full stream available at NBC as of yet.

-AR

Someday making fun of Juggalos will get old… but today is not that day.

And in any case, these clearly aren’t real Juggalos, but, rather, satirists. (I don’t think that most Juggalos know what the word “satirist” even means.) And I say “Bravo!” to them, because this is short, sweet, and hilarious:

And just for the record, if there were really a show called Shit’s Fucked Up Hospital, I would totally watch it.

-AR

[via Metal Injection]

Well I had a heckuva afternoon, what with a horde of Veil of Maya fans all e-mailing me at once to express their upset that VOM’s new song wasn’t up at the time we said it would be. But it’s up now, and we think that the track, “Namaste” – not “Dexter,” as our stupid audio player says – is terrific. You can listen here and join in on the fun.

Here are some other fun things that happened this week:

• We did a Jew on Jew interview with Orphaned Land’s Kobi Farhi and released the audio of Vince’s confusing interview with Andrew W.K.
• One of As I Lay Dying guitarist Nick Hipa’s theories about L O S T was correct!!!
• Bob Cock thinks Armour are AWESOME.
• Dave Ellefson has returned to Megadeth!
• The Ultimate Warrior rules, and The Red Chord agrees.
• Anthrax’s Worship Music finally a release date: the fifth of never.
• If you have a child, don’t do this.

Have a good weekend, everyone!

-AR

In case there was any doubt that Juggalos make bad parents, along comes this piece of work to… well, just watch.

Can I call child services? I guess putting your kid in make-up isn’t illegal, but come ON, this baby is clearly fucked if we don’t get her into the hands of someone, anyone else ASAP.

Thanks to Metalgf for passing this along even though her Vincey-poo is out of town…

-AR

[via New York Magazine]

There’s absolutely nothing news worthy about this video, which was apparently filmed at the 2009 Gathering of the Juggalos. And I should probably feel bad for laughing at it. That being said, I don’t.

A ridiculous number of you e-mailed this to us over the break, which tells me that we’re all going to hell together. Somebody just remember to bring some smoke.

-AR

Shelby Cobras at Illogical Contraption may be throwing in the towel on making fun of Juggalos… but we’re above such nonsense. It’s way too much fun!

Today I have two Juggalo-related linky-dinks for some end-of-the-week lawlz. Shelby has alerted us to the existence of JuggaloFaith.com, a one-stop shop for all of your Christian Juggalo needs. The site’s creator Rev. B-Lotus seeks to justify the cause with lyrical proof of ICP’s Christianity. Some ICP lyrical examples:

“Truth is we follow God, we’ve always been behind him, the Carnival is God, may all the juggalos find him.”

“Fuck the devil, fuck that shit, we believe in life legit, ain’t you gettin’ what we say, why you throw your soul away??”

I suppose ICP could be a Christian band… which would strike me as somewhat hilarious given all the violence and idiocy they propagate. But then again, hasn’t violence and idiocy been the M.O. of religion, well… for the entire history of religion?

Lastly, I’ll leave you with a link from the excellent Juggalo-bashing blog The Juggalog. Check this out (NSFW!!). No further explanation is necessary.

-VN

Someone on the SNL writing staff must like metal. Just a couple of weeks ago, Dave Matthews did a pretty killer Ozzy Osbourne impression; now, this past Saturday, the show, which is usually pretty terrible these days, did a spot-on satire of that infamous Gathering of the Juggalos infomercial. If every sketch on SNL were still this funny, I’d say the show was actually worth watching.

This same episode also saw the debut of Nuno Bettencourt as Rihanna’s new guitar player. I’m not going to post video of that here, though, because Nuno’s talenters were just as wasted as you’d imagine they’d be playing in Rihanna’s back-up band.

-AR

All I can say is: THIS IS FUCKING REAL.

Major, major props to Josh Jacobson for sending this in.

-AR

I know what you’re thinking: Two juggalo posts in one day? What did we do to deserve such treats?!?!

Well, I definitely didn’t wake up this morning and say “Let’s do two ICP articles in one day,” but then Dan And from Bison B.C. e-mailed me these AWESOME photos of the band playing a Halloween gig while dressed as Juggalos, and I just had to share…

More after the jump…

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Holy shit – did you know that there are actually people even worse than Juggalos? I saw this video on Topless Robot last night – a slideshow of fan art by so-called “Juggalo Furries,” or people “who are simultaneously into anthropomorphic animals and Insane Clown Posse.”

I couldn’t make this shit up, people. If I did, you’d never fucking believe it anyway.

This is the kind of thing that makes me wanna down a handful of sleeping pills with a tall glass of vodka. Since Vince and I are now friends with one out-of-the-closet Juggalo, I feel bad making a blanket statement like “All Juggalos are worthless fucktards.”

But I am 110% comfortable with the statement “All Juggalo Furries are worthless fucktards.”

Watch the video below… if you dare.

-AR

Monday (actually sun down Sunday, but whatever) is Yom Kippur, which is the Jewish day of repentance. As you can imagine, I have a lot to repent for, so I won’t be doing any writing. Vince may or may not be here to give all the goy their bored-at-work dose of entertainment.

In the meantime, here are some fun things that happened this week:

• Dallas Coyle talked about “borrowing ideas” and talking shit, while Eyal Levi contemplated greener grass (not that kind of grass).
• We spoke to Every Time I Die’s Andy Williams and some of the dudes from Periphery.
• We suffered through the worst Metallica cover ever recorded.
• We wondered if Juggalos should be considered a gang.
• And it’s Gojira and Burst live FTW.

See ya Tuesday.

-AR

We all know that 99.9% of all Juggalos are idiots (I know one cool one), but are they dangerous? When I think of bad-asses who wear spooky clown make-up, a lot of names come to mind – John Wayne Gacy, The Joker, Tim Curry in It – but Juggalos ain’t any of them.

Well, it looks like certain police officials here in the States disagree with me. Thus spake Noisecreep:

Click to read more…

Full credit goes to Reign in Blonde for finding this video. It justifies my getting out of bed this morning. Seriously.

-AR

MS Maniac Allan Petteruto sent us the below. It’s actually very sad. So sad that I have no desire whatsoever to make fun of the people involved. Just watch it first, then get my thoughts after the jump.

Click to read more…