RoCkStArBaSs100 introduces himself to the internet. He loves metal — anything from Rob Zombie to Children of Bodom to Dio. Also, he plays bass — at first he thought that he couldn’t actually play it for you in this video because it’s too loud and his parents will scold him, although he eventually gets bold enough to bust out “Holy Diver” for you.

A lot of metal fans take themselves really seriously, so I think it’s cool that RoCkStArBaSs100 does some silly, tongue-in-cheek videos like this one where he announces that he is a “Professor In Metalology.” In the banter segment, he mentions that he rearranged his room and warns against reading The Dirt because it “talks about a lot of bad stuff.”

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But only so you all stop e-mailing us about it. Sheesh. It’s not even that funny. It sounds way, way too real to be funny — like, it could seriously be a Dr. Acula song or something.

Keyboard flip.

-AR

This isn’t quite as funny/clever as that Slater graffiti, but whomever designed it clearly did his or her homework… the placement of each letter is perfect.

So, yeah, that happened.

-AR

[via Buzzfeed... thanks to Hetal Bhatt for the tip]

As promised, last night’s Super Bowl saw the debut of a Best Buy commercial starring Justin Bieber and our favorite sexagenarian celebrity slut, Ozzy Osbourne (whose last product endorsement commercial was released less than a month ago). And the commercial actually turned out to be kinda funny. Not because of the lame jokes about how Ozzy doesn’t understand technology or how Bieber looks like a girl (although I appreciate the acknowledgement that Ozzy has no idea who Bieber is), but, rather, because of the simple but true implication that the Biebers of the world will soon usurp the Ozzys of the world as Lords of Whoring.

“Ozzy’s in the background!” a crew member complains from off-camera, making explicit that which we were all already thinking anyway; even though he’s a sad, dithering old man, the Ozz Man refuses to leave the set, not because he actually has anything to contribute, but because, goddamnit, he’s got crap to hock!

But Bieber nails it on the first take. He’s the guy who’s gonna be trying to sell you shit for the next however many years, until he’s finally out of touch himself, or the sun dies, whichever comes first. Someone thought to toss in the “Bieber looks like a girl” gag to make sure that the Zakk Wylde chapter of Mensa doesn’t get too offended — “Huh huh, yeah, Bieber’s a fag, huh huh!” — but the subtext of the ad isn’t even subtle.

-AR

I’m really over it with the cold, the dark, the snow, the ice, the sludge, the wind, and the retreating penis. It’s time for warm weather already. I know, I know, the groundhog didn’t see his shadow yesterday, spring is coming sooner rather than later, hoo-ray. But it needs to be sooner, and it needed to be sooner yesterday. Warm weather means long walks, outdoor beers, ladies in skimpy outfits, and, oh yeah — the return of two of metal’s greatest icons.

Yep yep yep — after telling the world this past summer that creator Mike Judge was working on new episodes of Beavis and Butt-Head, yesterday MTV announced at their upfronts (a presentation of upcoming programming for potential advertisers) that the animated series would return “this summer.” A more specific date was not provided.

The announcement was made by the cast of the controversial kiddie porn show Skins, and then, as part of what must be the ultimate media coup, tweeted by Justin Bieber:

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So, hey, remember how Ozzy Osbourne just made that Best Buy commercial with Justin Bieber, which will be airing on the Super Bowl this coming Sunday?

Well, here’s an interview the Ozz Man gave in December… in other words, just weeks before he filmed the commercial.

Now, once the offer came in for him to be given (presumably) millions of dollars to appear in a commercial with Bieber, do you think he did any research? Or do you think he just took the money and smiled pretty for the cameras?

-AR

Thanks: Etienne Alexandre

So Ozzy Osbourne and Justin Bieber apparently have shot a Super Bowl commercial for Best Buy together, because Bieber’s fans are eleven years old and don’t care about artistic credibility, and Ozzy’s fans are, emotionally speaking, roughly the same age, and also don’t care about street cred at this point. Most, if not all, of you will probably see the ad when it airs next weekend, and even if you don’t, I’m sure it will pop up online shortly thereafter. But in the meantime, the UK’s Daily Mail has some behind-the-scenes pics, like this nightmare inducer:

Remember the good ol’ days, when Ozzy literally would have bitten this little fucker’s head off for fun? Now it’s like he and Sharon are competing to see who can wear the most eye make-up. Someday some nitwit will probably get Kelly Osbourne knocked up, and the kid won’t be able to tell which one is its grandmother and which one is its grandfather, and they’ll have to show it this picture and be like, “Your grandmother is the one not wearing matching Tron suits with the kid who grew up to become a massive drug addict.”

-AR

[via Metal Insider]

So the whole internet was abuzz about that Justin Bieber track that sounded aw’ight when someone slowed it down 800% — I guess if anything will make J-Beeb OK, that’s what it takes.

I tried to ignore that shit… until the kickass sci-fi/fantasy website i09 linked to a bunch of sci-fi themes slowed down 800%.

The idea still sounded stupid, but I decided to check out the version of the Brad Fiedel’s classic Terminator theme. And damned if it didn’t sound pretty fargin’ good. I’m on a big kick of listening to music you can ignore. And the slow jams are great, atmospheric background white noise. Slowed down 800%, pretty much all sci-fi themes sound like the Vangelis’ score for Blade Runner. (Did I just reference Vangelis? I meant “FUCKIN’ SLAYER!!!” Anyway…)

So I started wondering what extreme music might sound like when slowed down to 12.5 percent of its regular velocity. In honor of my recent MetalSucks interviews with D.R.I. and C.O.C., I tried a couple tracks by those bands.

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The best reason to watch Saturday Night Live this past weekend was Tina Fey’s cleavage. Even my favorite sitcom star couldn’t save the show from its terrible writing, but her recent attempts to sexify herself in order to sell her latest, Date Night, made it all worth it.

Slightly less worth it: finally getting to see what this Justin Bieber chick is all about. I’ve been hearing so much about her, but didn’t actually know any of her music before now. Shock of shocks, it’s not for me. Still, I couldn’t help but notice that one of the guitar players in her back-up band was using a Gibson Custom Shop Zakk Wylde Bullseye Les Paul. I even heard a slight guitar squeal at the 1:27 mark! Poor bastard, probably has dreams of getting the call from Sharon’s lawyers telling him he’s secretly stealing Zakk’s job. Then Gus G. had to go and take that dream away from him, and now he’s playing guitar for Linda Hunt. Oy vey!

Here’s a clip from the show. For some reason the image has been flipped (e.g., the guitar players were most certainly not left-handed), but at least I don’t hafta link to Hulu this time.

-AR