What do Twisted Sister, Great White, Kix, Nelson, Danger Danger and Anthrax all have in common?

They’re all playing this year’s Rocklahoma Festival.

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I saw Cold open for Marilyn Manson once. Even though it was a good month after Halloween (I recall only because it was Thanksgiving weekend), guitarist Terry Balsucko wore a Michael Meyers mask the whole set and stood almost perfectly still, hunched over his guitar as though he should be in the belfry at Notre Dame; vocalist Scooter Ward stood at the lip of the stage, smoking a cigarette and remaining otherwise completely stationary; and drummer Sam McCandless’ hair was dyed to look like a cheetah’s fur.

Needless to say, it was the most painful forty minutes of my life.

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I think I’m pretty knowledgeable when it comes to hair metal and cock rock, but I honestly couldn’t discuss any Mr. Big song that isn’t “To Be With You.” Apparently I’m not alone: the band has 124 songs currently on iTunes, ten of which are really just “To Be With You;” six of those ten take spots as the band’s ten most purchased songs. In other words: when Billy Sheehan dies, this song will be mentioned very close to the top of his obituary.

ANYWAY, the band is apparently reuniting for some shows in Japan, a.k.a. the only place where most hair metal musicians are still considered stars. I’d express jealousy that the bands Japanese fans will get to indulge and us Americans will not, but I honestly don’t give a shit; somebody call me when the two versions of  L.A. Guns finally reconcile.

-AR

Metal Blade has signed infamous Massholes, Overcast. Overcast are of some interest because their singer, Brian Fair, went on to front a little band you may have heard of called Shadows Fall, while their bassist, Mike D’Antonio, eventually joined some group called Killswitch Engage (the band’s other members, presumably, went on to get day jobs). That makes Overcast one of those bands that is kind of a retroactive supergroup, like the line-up of Megadeth that had Kerry King for all of ten seconds, or one of those glam bands like London or Hollywood Rose, whose various members went on to form Motley Crue, GN’R, and L.A. Guns.

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Well, not really, of course.

The new front man for the (Tracii Guns version of the) band, previously identified only as a “blond,” is Marty Casey.

If you’ve never heard of Marty Casey, well, neither have I. Apparently he was a contestant on Rock Star: INXS*, which I imagine was only slightly less embarrassing than Rock Star: Supernova, if only because, unlike Jason Newstead, Tommy Lee and Gilby Clarke, no one ever had any actual respect for the guys in INXS.

In any case, at this point I imagine that anyone who still considers him or herself to be an L.A. Guns fan really doesn’t care who’s in the band, as long as the guitar player is named after some sort of weapon and they open with “Sex Action,” close with “Sex Action,” and play “Sex Action” somewhere in the middle.

Stay tuned for the announcement that Dilana is the new singer for Velvet Revolver.

-AR

*By the way, has anyone ever heard the story that INXS asked Mike Patton to replace Michael Hutchence, and he said he’d take the job if they’d let him wear a noose around his neck onstage? I have no idea if it’s a true story or not, but it’s HILARIOUS either way.

Paul Black, the “original” singer of L.A. Guns who never actually sang on any old L.A. Guns records, has now split from the “new” version of L.A. Guns featuring original L.A. Guns guitarist/namesake Tracii Guns.

Although this would seem to point to a reunion between Tracii Guns and his old bandmates Phil Lewis and Steve Riley, who have continued on with the “old” L.A. Guns in Tracii’s absence, Tracii still has plans to make a new L.A. Guns album with his “new” “old” version of L.A. Guns, who have hired an “as-yet-undisclosed replacement singer with ‘blond’ hair,” according to Blabbermouth*.

Meanwhile, Lewis and Riley carry on with the “old” L.A. Guns and Tracii Guns’ replacement, Stacey Blades.

If you can make sense of any of this, please shoot yourself in the face**.

-AR

*The fact that the word “blond” appears in quotes has to get ya thinking. Are they quoting a source who says the singer is blond? Or do the quotes denote that he’s not a natural blond, like so many singers on the L.A. strip? Stay tuned for the exciting answer!

**MetalSucks does not actually endorse suicide. Please don’t sue us. Thanks.

Folks, it’s finally happened. We’ve often lampooned the hilarity that there are currently two touring bands calling themselves L.A. Guns and two touring bands calling themselves Faster Pussycat, each featuring various combinations of ex-members of those groups. And we suppose that the eventual tour featuring both bands was completely inevitable; but it’s newsworthy (and funny) nonetheless. Just goes to prove that down and out musicians will do pretty much anything to make a buck and avoid having to get an actual 9-5 job. Bang Tango will round out the bill for the tour, which extends from early July to August and looks like it will cover most of the U.S.

For anyone actually keeping track, this is the Tracii Guns version of L.A. Guns (touting the “original” lineup that never got anywhere) and the Taime Down version of Faster Pussycat (lacking the group’s namesake guitarist Brent Muscat).

We’re just waiting for the announcement that both version of L.A. Guns will team up for a supertour with both versions of Faster Pussycat. Never say never…

-VN

I’ve really never understood Tracii Guns’ incessant need to publicly express regret over quitting Guns N’ Roses in 1985, well before that band had a record contract or written most of the material for Appetite for Destruction. It would be like Richard Gere bitching and moaning about his decision to drop out of the John McClane role in Die Hard; it’s just foolish to think that Bruce Willis’ interpretations of that character had nothing to do with the box office success of that franchise. Dave Mustaine might have a legitimate reason to believe he could be rolling naked in dough, since material he wrote for Metallica appeared on both Kill ‘Em All and Ride the Lightning, but there’s nothing in the L.A. Guns’ repertoire to suggest that GN’R still would have become the biggest band in the world sans Slash. And yet it was just a couple of years ago that Guns admitted he had recently emailed Axl Rose to offer his services in the new GN’R. Sheesh.

This bizarre, completely unwarranted sense of regret must be what led Guns to leave his only recently reunited L.A. Guns to form Brides of Destruction with Nikki Sixx; but then Sixx, who is as guilty as Guns of only doin’ it for the payday, split to go make some real moolah with Motley Crue, and Guns was left holding the bag (Note to Guns: if it’s the 21st century and your lead singer’s name is “London LeGrand,” your band is going nowhere fast.). So now Guns had to scramble to find a way back into L.A. Guns and rather than just kiss up and make nice with Phil Lewis (who had replaced Guns with some dude named, I shit you not, Stacey Blades), he allowed vocalist Paul Black to live out his own path-not-chosen fantasy and start a new “old” L.A. Guns. And so while there wasn’t really a demand for one L.A. Guns post-1992ish, now we actually have two L.A. Guns.

So Tracii’s version of the band is recording a new album, with Steve Thompson producing. Thompson, in case you didn’t know, is most famous for… wait for it… mixing Appetite for Destruction.

Yeah. Cause now Tracii’ll sell 16 million records.

Below, enjoy Brides of Destruction performing “Shut the Fuck Up” – some advice Tracii would do well to heed – on Jay Leno. LeGrand’s shouting “Shut the Uh Up” because he couldn’t say “fuck” on television is hysterical, if for no other reason than because it shows that the band didn’t even have the common sense to release a first single that did not prominently feature a swear word in its title.

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Gosh, I wonder where this band went wrong?

-AR

Phil Lewis – of the two current versions of L.A. Guns, he’s the guy that people know even though his band no longer features namesake Tracii Guns who now plays with the pre-record contract “original” version of the band – has booked a role in the highly anticipated feature film Witchmaster General, from a director no one has ever heard of who made two other films no one has ever heard of. In a statement, Lewis reveals:

“I have been given the part of Dr. Gordon, a man with connections to Satan whose voodoo powers are used in a murder-for-hire scheme.”

Lewis also reveals that the role will only take a couple of days to film and that “one of the guys from The Sopranos will be playing my nemesis.” Obviously not someone important enough for Lewis to know his name, or to assume you know his name. So, uh, maybe it’s that dude from Doogie Hauser?

As bad as this movie is going to be, at least we know it will better than this piece of shit.

-AR

Back in May, our own Axl Rosenberg wrote about the once mighty poo-flinging metal site Metal Sludge, how amazing it used to be, and its subsequent downfall in recent years:

“As of this writing, the site hasn’t been updated in over a month; alas, that’s actually not so unusual for them these days. But the result is that the site is starting to seem as old and faded as the rock stars it covers. I used to check the site on a daily basis to find who Nikki Sixx was cheating on his wife with now, how recently Steven Adler had gone down on some dude to score some smack, who was winning in the competition between Vince Neil and Jani Lane to become a fatter, drunker fuck, and look at pictures of Fred Durst looking like the dude from Flock of Seagulls; now, there’s almost never anything to check.”

Thanks to MetalSucks commenter ERiK for alerting us to a current thread on the Metal Sludge message board debating Rosenberg’s article. Not surprisingly, there seems to be some hate from the MetalSludgers directed our way. But need I call into question the legitimacy of any argument coming from people who 1) think L.A. Guns and Pretty Boy Floyd were great bands, and 2) still think L.A. Guns (pick a version) and Pretty Boy Floyd are great bands? Case closed.

-VN

According to a press release, the lineup for the 2008 incarnation of Rocklahoma, inarguably the most important metal festival in the U.S., will be announced on March 4th. So far the whopping lineup consists of Krokus and Vixen… but we’re positive some slam dunks will be announced for the follow-up to last year’s wildly successful first annual Rocklahoma which featured various incarnations of every ’80s band, ever.

We’ve got our fingers crossed for a main stage steel-cage match between both touring versions of L.A. Guns with a match between both touring versions of Faster Pussycat as an encore.

-VN

A band — US 66 — whose members consist of Tracii Guns (L.A. Guns) on guitar, Joe LeSte (Bang Tango, Beautiful Creatures) on vocals, Steven Adler (Adler’s Appetite, ex-Guns N’ Roses) on drums, Chip Z’Nuff (Enuff Z’nuff) on bass, and Michael Thomas (Faster Pussycat) on guitar ought to be able to perform a somewhat decent version of the Guns N’ Roses classic “Welcome to the Jungle,” right? Wrong.

What probably started as a fun, drunken idea (“Hey duuuudez! Let’s play Welcome to the Jungle” tonight! It’ll be awesome!”) ended as a trainwreck at last summer’s Rocklahoma festival. What with Tracii Guns proclaiming “We started Guns N’ Roses together” after introducing Steven Adler — which, while technically the truth he had NOTHING to do with “Welcome to the Jungle” — then the band members guessing when to come in after the intro, flubbing notes, and some of the sloppiest guitar playing I’ve ever heard, the result is downright embarrassing. Have a looksie.

-VN

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An enterprising hair-metal fan has been waiting his whole life for this; the day when he can finally cash in by selling off his collection of rare posters on eBay. Head on over to his auction page to check out the goods, including a signed L.A. Guns poster from 1989, pictured above (hands off the 1984 Van Halen poster!! That one’s MINE, bitches. We need decoration at the new MetalSucks Mansion.). Who would’ve thought that posters he bought for $9.95 in 1987 would be worth… $9.95 in 2007? Sigh.

-VN