MetalSucks

From a Rhythm magazine interview with Dave Lombardo that I saw on Blabbermouth:

Rhythm: Playing with METALLICA at Download in 2004 must have been quite an experience.

Lombardo: “Yeah. Show ‘em how it’s done! No disrespect to Lars [Ulrich], because Lars is great and he’s a very nice guy, but he needs to spend a week at my house and we need to sit down and play. I could show him — ‘No, Lars, like this!’… ‘Let’s chill, let’s relax, have some coffee and let’s play!’ Hahahahaha!”

If you’ve ever seen/heard this show, then you’re already aware that Lombardo ain’t dicking around – he and Joey Jordison both made Metallica sound at least 95% better (alas, Hetfield still insists on using those honky-tonk “wom-ahn” vocals he’s become so fond of). Check it out:

And while we’re on the topic, here’s Jordison playing with the band:

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I’m not convinced that any live DVD filmed after about 1992-ish will be particularly flattering to Metallica, but maybe I’m wrong. I haven’t seen them on the Death Magnetic tour – I haven’t seen them since 2006, actually – so maybe they’re killing it out there. Maybe James’ voice is 100% and Lars Ulrich took drum lessons. I dunno.

I guess I’ll find out November 23, when the band releases Francais Pour Une Nuit, a DVD documenting a French concert from this past July. But here’s the kicker: the DVD will only be available in retail stores in… France. Everyone else will have to order it from the band’s website. So, uh, yeah. Not sure what the benefits of doing that are – more profit into the band’s pocket, less shared with retailers, I guess – but there you have it.

You can watch a trailer for the DVD here (it’s not embeddable because Metallica don’t love their fans anymore). After the jump, get details of the various editions of the DVD, plus the complete track list.

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I actually think that Metallica’s Live Metallica website is a cool idea. Even if James’ voice sounds like shit and I’m pretty sure Lars is literally confused about what those sticks some roadie just shoved into his hand are for, a high-quality recording of a show you recently attended is both a cooler and cheaper souvenir than, say, and $400,000 t-shirt (or whatever arena rawk bands charge for merch these days). And I fully support their recent decision to allow single-song downloads. Yes, it’s kind of ironic given the Napster mishegoss, but, y’know, whatever. Metallica aren’t the titans of metal that they once were, but every now and then they do something right.

Now Metal Insider tells us that they’ve launched an iPhone app version of the site, called – duh – Live Metallica:

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If I had a biological clock, I’d worry that’s it’s ticking. Because this is my second story about little kids today.

Reign in Blonde has made the awesome discovery of Jonah Rocks, who is a) the only four year old I’ve ever seen that can play the drums, and b) the only four year old I’m aware of that already has a stage name. He also seems to have an endorsement deal with Vic Firth. Holy poop.

For reasons that are totally beyond me, the videos of this lil’ tyke rockin’ out are not embeddable, but if you go here, you can watch Jonah play “Harvester of Sorrow” with more skill and passion than Lars Ulrich has displayed in years.

After the jump are some more links to Jonah playing. Some of these videos were made when he was only three years old!!!

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The always-brilliant Rob Pasbani of Metal Injection was going through his usual daily routine – wake up late, wander over to computer, get high, play on computer, remain in boxers, fail to bathe… y’know, the life of your average blogger – when he made an amazing discovery: Google’s suggestions for popular searches related to metal are actually pretty dead-on. To wit, this non-altered, completely, 100% real screenshot:

AMAZING, right? Now if only iTunes and Netflix could actually make some decent recommendations based on my previous purchases and rentals.

Head over to Metal Injection for more incredible screenshots of metal-related Google search suggestions.

-AR

If any two of the big four bands tour together, I think it’d be a pretty sweet show. Any three? Fucking amazing. But all four? That would have to be some kind of miracle, right? I mean, half these dudes hate each other. King and Mustaine practically make their living talking shit about Metallica – and one another, for that matter. So it’ll never happen, right?

Well, King now tells Metal Hammer otherwise. Sort of.

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Now the nausea’s
In my guts
And I’m wrestling with doubt
The kind you get when your heroes
Sell you out
And as I watch the drawbridge come down
There’s mass extinction
On my mind
Human cruelty stains my thoughts jet black
I’ve got this feeling
Like things have gone too far and now we can’t get back

Here’s more fun shit that happened in the world of metal this week:

• We debuted new videos from Cradle of Filth and Arsonists Get All the Girls.
• We got exclusive tour blogs from Bison B.C.’s Dan And and Woe of Tyrants’ Chris Catanzaro.
• We spoke to members of Winds of Plague, Decrepit Birth and Born of Osiris.
• I counted down 50 things I love about Pig Destroyer, and then added a 51st.
• Ulrich Vs. Mustaine Vs. Ian and Zakk Vs. Ozzy made us laugh with glee.
• Kerry King Vs. Killswitch Engage was pretty funny, too.
• Dallas Coyle answered more of your questions.

Vince gets back from vacation tonight right around the time Repulsion take the stage, and then tomorrow, hopefully, Craig’s List will lead us to some Tool tickets. See ya Monday!

-AR

I’ve gotten multiple e-mails from peeps about this interview The Eagles of Death Metal front dude Jesse Hughes just gave to the Montreal Mirror.

Now, I should preface this by saying I’ve heard very little of TEODM’s music, and what I hear didn’t do anything for me. But, clearly Hughes is a funny guy.

But the statements everyone is harping on seem kinda… well… shrug. Read for yourself:

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CORRECTION: PRATO’S QUESTION COMES FROM HERE. MY APOLOGIES TO PRATO. NO APOLOGIES TO MUSTAINE.THANKS TO BORIVOJ AT BLABBERMOUTH FOR SHOWING ME THE ERROR OF MY WAYS.

It has been a fantastic summer for feuds. Just, really top notch. Isis is mad at Revolver and I’m fairly certain that Revolver is mad at MetalSucks. Fear Factory would be like the new Van Halen, if Van Halen wasn’t still the new Van Halen. And I think it’s safe to say at this point that, pretty much no matter how this whole Dan Nelson/John Bush drama plays out, no one will ever take Anthrax seriously again (assuming they were still taking Anthrax seriously at all).

And now this. Ladies and gentleman, key founding members of three of the Big Four are now all ready to throw down. This is a clusterfuck of epic proportions. I wish you could all see my face right now, ’cause rarely am I this happy.

It’s a long story, and, as is so often the case, I am really just playing The Daily Show to Blabbermouth’s CNN. Here we go:

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Love ‘em or hate ‘em, everyone reading this blog has something to say about Metallica. Naturally, Eric Smith, vocalist/guitarist for Virginia’s noise-rock-by-way-of-hardcore act The Catalyst, has an opinion as well, one that some of you may very well share. Essentially, he thinks the wrong guy died in that tragic 1986 tour bus crash, as made abundantly clear by one of the tracks off the band’s fantastic forthcoming album Swallow Your Teeth. That track, which we’re offering to you as an exclusive free download, is called “Lars Ulrich’s 1986 Funeral”.

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Got this email from MetalSucks Maniac Andrew Doty over the weekend:

I was reading through the MS archives earlier today, as I completely lack a real
life, and was browsing through the “Fuck you, too,” blog series. So, I came upon the
response to Kristen Randall naked picture thing, wherein something about a naked
picture of Lars Ulrich was mentioned, as though it did not exist. So, I thought I
would alert you that it totally does.

I found it when I was looking for Lars being a dick, to illustrate the point that
Lars Ulrich is a dick. Google wasn’t about to take that shit lying down, however,
and let me search for the word “dick” without giving me porn as a result.

Well, fair is fair, and I did say if there was a photo of Lars Ulrich naked, we’d post it, so… after the jump, Lars’ penis. Needless to say, this is NSFW.

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Vince, Kip, and Anton OyVey are all down at SXSW, but don’t worry about lil’ old me; Higgins and I got shit covered. Here’s what happened in the world of metal this week:

• We all finally got to hear the new Mastodon album! Needless to say, intense debate ensued.
• We spoke to Wolves in the Throne Room drummer Aaron Weaver and Lazarus A.D. bassist/vocalist Jeff Paulick.
• No penis? No Dir En Grey!
• Is this new Teagan and Sara shirt metal as fuck, or total hipster bull pucky?
• The Megatallica rivalry continued as we watched Dave Mustaine kill on Jeopardy and Lars Ulrich eat it on Who Wants to be a Millionaire?
• Fieldy = Jesus
  
• Read Vince’s initial SXSW reports here and here!

Alright-y, then. Higgins and I are off to make like chimneys and blow smoke. See ya Monday!

-AR

And you can watch Dave Mustaine on Jeopardy here.

PART I:

Part II after the jump.

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To: W. Axl Rose

From: Double-Jew Axl Rosenberg

Re: Plans for a Guns N’ Roses Summer Stadium Tour in 2009

Dear Axl Rose,

WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?!?!

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On Sunday night Vince and myself, through circumstances too depressing to go into here, ended up having dinner with my folks. And the thing about Mr. & Mrs. Rosenberg is this: they’re old and they’re bat shit crazy. I’m sure some of you can relate: you get a call saying “Oh, we saw this wonderful movie last night,” but then they can’t remember the name of the movie, what it was about, or who was in it. It’s quite thrilling, really.

ANYWAY, so there we were, attempting to enjoy our meals, when my parents began to insist that that they’d see a movie on television the night before that starred klepto-hottie/former Page Hamilton shtupper Winona Ryder and Shakespeare in Oh MY God is This Shit Almost Over?’s Joseph Fiennes… and featured a cameo from Metallica.

So, naturally, I assumed they were out of their fucking minds.

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MetalSucks’ own Kip Wingerschmidt and the ballerina turned cock rawk supahstah from whom he takes his name have more in common than a mutual love of getting stone on Saturdays. Turns out they both think Lars Ulrich drinks donkey semen, too. Ulrich can spotted in A Year and a Half in the Life of Metallica (Y’know, the less-famous Metallica documentary that doesn’t make you feel quite as embarrassed to like this band) throwing darts at a pull-out of Kip Winger; now, in an interview with C.C. Banana for Metal Sludge (IT’S ALIVE!!!!), Winger has decided to strike back at the diminutive Dane drummer. Asked if he has himself ever thrown darts at Ulrich’s photo, Winger responded:
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I really dig the visuals for Metallica’s new video (even if the zombie craze has now officially been done to death), for the song “All Nightmare Long,” but does the pacing of the editing strike anyone else as being oddly out of step with the energy of the song? In any case, I’m all for videos in which the band itself does not actually appear, especially if, as in this case, it spares me having to look at Lars Ulrich’s constipation face.

Thoughts, our beloved peanut gallery?

-AR

HOLY FUCKING SHIT, have you guys read the liner notes for this fucking thing? “Produced by Axl Rose and Caram Costanzo. Mixed by Andy Wallace, Caram Costanzo and Axl Rose. Final Mixing: Caram Costanzo and Axl Rose.” “Additional production and preproduction by Roy Thomas Baker.” “Additional Production: Sean Beaven.” “Additional and/or initial Engineering.” Those are just the whole album credits. Each song gets its own “initial production” credit, too, and, in one instance, an “initial arrangement by” shout out. The phrase “reamped, edited and engineered” appears at least twice. Fourteen recording studios are listed, spread out over four cities on two continents. There’s no fewer than five guitarists (six if you count Rose himself), two keyboard players (three if you count Rose), two drummers, and two composer/orchestrators cited (The fact that only one bass player, Tommy Stinson consistently plays on the album seems like something of a marvel… oh, wait, that Chris Pitman dude everyone calls “Mother Goose” for some reason plays bass on “If the World.” Nevvvvvvermind.). Donatella Versace, Kid Rock, Lars Ulrich, and Mickey Rourke are all thanked, alongside guys with names like “Mookie” and “Worm.” THERE’S A CREDIT FOR “LOGIC.” I DON’T EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT THE FUCK THAT MEANS. IS THERE A COMPUTER PROGRAM CALLED “LOGIC” OR ARE PEOPLE ACTUALLY BEING CREDITED WITH SUPPLYING SOME LOGIC????????

I’m not making this shit up. I couldn’t make this shit up. Oh, to be a fly on the wall during the recording of Chinese Democracy! It must have made the production of Apocalypse Now seem like a long weekend on Fire Island.

But here’s the thing: as incredibly, insanely, undeniably fascinating as all that shit is, it really has nothing to with any critical analysis of the album.

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MetalSucks Maniac “Wanga” sent in the below picture with the accompanying text: “I’ve always thought he looks like a wad, but if he’d been born 25% better looking, 50% taller and 99% more talented, [Lars Ulrich] would look exactly like his handsomer, loftier, more gifted doppelganger Michael Keaton. See the pic I put together for the astonishing truth.” We couldn’t agree more.

President-elect Barack Obama (FUCK YEAH MOTHERFUCKER!) has some tough challenges ahead of him, not the least of which being our deeply troubled economy. Today I learned of yet another victim of these hard times: Lars Ulrich.

Yes, this economic crisis adversely affects even millionaires with platinum-selling new albums, a fact made painfully clear with the sad news that Metallica’s beloved drummer has been forced to sell one of his prized Jean-Michel Basquiat paintings to bring in more currency with which to light his Cuban cigars and garish wallpaper in his many, many McMansions.

I think I speak for everyone here at Metalsucks when I say, “Suck it, Trebek!”

-GS