MetalSucks

Do I rag on Fred Durst too much? Guess what? I don’t really care! It amuses me and it’s a slow news day.

SO. I’m new to this whole Twitter thing. Vince signed us up and I’ve tweeted (Christ typing that makes me feel like a ree-ree) a few times, but it’s not really for me.

But I am really, really enjoying following Fred Durst on Twitter. His tweets – which range from star fucking to philosophical to just plain weird – are as poetic and deep as his lyrics. If you don’t believe me, check out some of my favorite samples after the jump. And remember, kids, this is all real – I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried.

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I saw Cold open for Marilyn Manson once. Even though it was a good month after Halloween (I recall only because it was Thanksgiving weekend), guitarist Terry Balsucko wore a Michael Meyers mask the whole set and stood almost perfectly still, hunched over his guitar as though he should be in the belfry at Notre Dame; vocalist Scooter Ward stood at the lip of the stage, smoking a cigarette and remaining otherwise completely stationary; and drummer Sam McCandless’ hair was dyed to look like a cheetah’s fur.

Needless to say, it was the most painful forty minutes of my life.

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Fuck Wes Borland, and fuck everyone who supported this lying sack of shit.

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I had the displeasure of seeing Dope live once (don’t ask). They were playing at Don Hill’s, a club here in NYC that holds about 300 people, and, to my surprise, they actually managed to pack the place pretty full. So after the band before them concluded their set, Dope kept the crowd waiting for 45 minutes while their roadies set up elaborate stage dressing fit for an arena show: extra platforms and a new PA system and lighting rig (I guess the house systems weren’t good enough for the band) and giant wooden backdrops and a chain link fence (!) and who the fuck knows what else. This kind of shit really isn’t necessary for a small club gig, but it might have been forgivable had the band come out and rocked the kids’ faces off; instead, they came out and played for… 45 minutes. To repeat: the band played for as long as they kept the crowd waiting for them to play. In hindsight, it seems clear that all the rigmarole was really because without the fancy lights and props, the band knew they didn’t have much to offer.

I’m telling you this story because Dope will be opening for Black Label Society and Sevendust on their upcoming tour, which still strikes me as an odd package – that Zakk Wylde, who once proclaimed “Fred Durst can eat a dick” on his band’s DVD, would share a stage with not one but two nu-metal bands just seems weird.

Weirder still: Wylde has now recorded a track with Dope. Let me type that again, lest you think your eyes are failing you: DOPE HAVE A SONG ON THEIR NEW ALBUM WITH ZAKK WYLDE ON GUITAR.

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Fred Durst’s first foray into the world of feature film making, The Education of Charlie Banks, played the Tribeca Film Festival here in NY to surprisingly strong reviews, but never got a theatrical (or even straight to DVD or cable) release. After The Longshots, Durst’s follow-up, opened to bad reviews and worse box office numbers this past summer, I kind of assumed Banks would never get a theatrical release. Looks like I was wrong: Anchor Bay will release the movie in theaters on March 27.

I know that certain long time readers think I rag on Durst too much, so I’m not gonna say anything about this. The poster is above, and if you’re interested, the trailer is after the jump. Enjoy. Or don’t. Whatever.

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When it was announced last month that Killswitch Engage would be on Disturbed’s fourth Music as a Weapon tour, we were flooded with so many irate e-mails from readers you’d have thought that Howard Jones had just been caught raping hundreds of metal fans’ mothers; KSE fans just couldn’t seem to wrap their heads around the concept of the American New Wavers acting as support for one of the most love ‘em or loathe ‘em nu metal acts on the planet. We didn’t report on the development at the time, though. Frankly, I figured it was just one of those things; sometimes awesome bands tour with crappy ones. You can’t please all the people all the time.

But now that Chimaira and Lacuna Coil have joined the tour, I gotta ask: what the frick?

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The Webernet rumor mill has been aflutter in recent weeks with the news that two of the three surviving members of Led Zeppelin — Jimmy Page and John Paul Jones — would like to take the band out on the road following their massively successful 2007 reunion concert. The late John Bonham’s son Jason, who participated in the reunion show, would likely sit on the drummer’s throne, but singer Robert Plant has publicly stated he isn’t interested, instead opting to continue making bland alt-country music for the NPR / Starbcuks set with crooner Allison Krause.

All this begs the question: if Plant does indeed decline, who would take his place? Various names have been bandied about — Steven Tyler and Chris Cornell among them, and the latest, petrifying, scary and frightening choice: Myles Kennedy of Alter Bridge.

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The economy’s in the shitter and the sun is setting earlier and earlier every day. Still, there was reason to rejoice this week in the world of metal:

• The members of Twisted Sister are apparently now willing to “take it.”
• We interviewed Dani Filth of Cradle of Filth, Ronny Munroe of Metal Church, and Brian Fair of Overcast / Shadows Fall.
• Dallas raged against the McCain machine (as did the Foo Fighters). You raged against Dallas.
• Crikey! Scar Symmetry hire two new vocalists to take the place of one.
• Scars on Broadway call off their tour; we call bullshit.
• FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. And Fuck.
• Gojira got heavy in every sense of the word.
• Bam Bam Bigelow + Marty Jannetty = ’80s Vinnie Paul.

Sayonara suckers. See you next week.

-VN

“And the fifth angel blew his trumpet. And I saw a star that had fallen from heaven to the earth, and the key of the pit of the abyss was given him. And he opened the pit of the abyss, and smoke ascended out of the pit as the smoke of a great furnace, and the sun was darkened, also the air, by the smoke of the pit. And out of the smoke Limp Bizkit reunited and came forth upon the earth; and authority was given them, the same authority as the scorpions of the earth have.

“And in those days the men will seek death but will by no means find it, and they will desire to die but death keeps fleeing from them.”

Revelations 9:1-6

Ladies and gentlemen, Limp Bizkit have reunited.

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The Limp Bizkit flow masta’s cinematic opus The Longshots opens today, and, as you can see, it’s getting rave reviews in the press:

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Marilyn Manson was always one of the most staunch anti-Limp Bizkit activists during that band’s heyday – so the announcement that Bizkit guitarist Wes Borland is joining his band seems kind of odd.

Luckily, Manson, ever the clever media manipulator, managed to do some damage control with this kind of hilarious statement:

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Just in time for Vince’s birthday on Valentine’s Day (which explains why he’s so darn sexy), Lamb of God will release a new album this February, according to a press release that just arrived here at the MetalSucks Mansion.

The band is working with producer Josh Wilbur (pictured above) this time.

Wait… who the fuck is Josh Wilbur?

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Yesterday an advanced copy of the album by a certain nu metal band that shall go unnamed arrived at the MetalSucks Mansion. “Why the fuck would they send us this?” Vince wondered aloud, noting that we have never, ever, ever had anything nice to say about this particular group.

“Dude,” I countered, “At least we write about them. That’s more than I can say for most sites.”

Which got me to thinking: is there no one carrying the nu metal torch?

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Pop quiz. Fred Durst was hired to direct the Ice Cube vehicle The Longshots for which of the following reasons?

A) His understanding of African American life in modern society.

B) His incredible empathy for young girls everywhere.

C) His own personal knowledge of what it’s like to cross boundaries and achieve unthinkable goals against incredible odds when no one believed in you.

D) The guy who directed The Game Plan passed.

E) All of the above.

Ladies and gentlemen, without further delay, I give you the theatrical trailer for Fred Durst’s Ice Cube’s The Longshots, in theaters July 25:

By the way, Durst’s directorial debut, The Education of Charlie Banks, played here in NYC at the 2007 Tribeca Film Festival – and it still has no release date (theatrical or otherwise) set in the U.S. or anywhere else in the world. Also, word around the campfire is that Durst was fired off The Longshots before production was completed. So, in other words, Durst’s film career is going really, really well.

-AR

I mean, really. The above headline is so unfair. Lots of perfectly respectable metal musicians give lessons when they’re not touring ’cause it’s a good way to make some extra money.

Of course, those musicians tend to be talented, hard working, blue collar dudes in real metal bands. And, also, y’know, musicians.

And none of those words describe John Otto, the Limp Bizkit* skinsman/resident hobbit who is now offering drum lessons for $150-$200 a pop (depending on if you want a little alone time with him or don’t mind sharing him with someone else who thought that “Rollin’” was a good song). Having never taken a drum lesson, I have no idea if that’s a fair price or not, but if I were gonna take a drum lesson and it was gonna cost me $200, I would probably want it to be with Dave Lombardo or Gene Hoglan or Paul Bostaph or Kevin Talley or Jiminy fuckin’ Cricket, or at least, like, David Silvera.

Anyways, you can get more info here. Please book something soon and help Mr. Otto get his Ferrari out of the shop – Fred and Wes tell him the LB reunion is still at least a year off and he really, really needs that car to get laid.

-AR

*Frodo – uh, that is, Otto – is apparently also in a band called The Killer and the Star, but I think even fewer people have heard of them than have heard of Black Light Burns.

So I went to the premiere of the new Tina Fey-Amy Poehler vehicle Baby Mama last night (don’t ask). It wouldn’t really be an event worth talking about, except that when I got to the swanky after-party, who did I find myself standing next to but one Mr. Frederick Durst.

Once I got past the shock that, yes, he really does look that bad these days (even when in a suit instead of whatever he rolled out of bed with), I found myself facing a series of choices for how to best proceed:

• Should I kick him in the nuts?
• Should I ask if he wants to do an on-the-spot interview and then ask him why he sucks so bad?
• Should I give him my business card (yes, we do have business cards here at the MetalSucks mansion)?
• Should I do and say absolutely nothing?

Ultimately, I chose the fourth and final option. Why? Well, kicking him in the nuts or insulting him seemed like a surefire way to get myself kicked out of the party, and the lil’ lady and I wanted to see if we could seduce Tina Fey into a three way (the answer, in case you’re curious, is “no,” although Chevy Chase told us he was down for anything so long as he could whistle that “Holiday Roads” song the whole time). Ditto for giving him my card; it’s unlikely Durst knows MetalSucks or is in any way aware of the not-so-complimentary things we’ve said about him in the past, but if, by some off chance, he took my card and then looked at the site, well, I didn’t want him having my cell phone number. ‘Cause he seems like the kind of cat who would just crank call you from now until the end of time.

By the way, he had a relatively attractive woman with him. Good to know that being famous a decade ago still gets the dude laid.

-AR

From Perez Hilton by way of MetalSucks reader Shawn McNamara…

Why the fucking fuck fuck is Albert fucking Einstein fucking tattooed on his motherfucking leg?

-AR

Sonny Mayo’s sudden expulsion from Sevendust makes me worried that Snot might reunite – I mean, fuck, it almost happened once already just about a year ago.

For those of you lucky enough not to be familiar with Snot, they’re a band that holds a legendary place in the minds of kids who actually like nu metal, since they were poised to join Limp Bizkit as one of their generation’s most annoying bands when front man Lynn Strait died in a car accident in 1998 (I’m not speaking ill of the dead, mind you; I’m just speaking ill of the dead’s shitty music). After Snot disbanded, its various members went on to such craptastic acts as Amen, Invitro, Godsmack, and Hed PE. Hell Mayo’s replacement, Mike Smith, even usurped Wes Borland for the one Limp Suckit album that even Fred Durst’s most ardent supporters seem to think sucks.

ANYWAY, in this day and age when bands like Blind Melon aren’t gonna let a little thing like a dead front man stop them from living their rock n’ roll dreams, I would be in no way surprised if some re-jiggered version of this band tried to figure out a way to cash in. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Here’s Snot’s video for “Stoopid.” Apt description if ever there was one.

[kml_flashembed movie="http://youtube.com/v/6VjJeKoVVM4" width="425" height="350" wmode="transparent" /]

Cute dog, right? Yeah. He died in the car crash, too.

-AR

From the always astute pop-culture critics at Idolator:

Weiland, the estranged singer of Velvet Revolver, has teamed up with members of Army Of Anyone and Bomb Shelter Studios owner Eric Kretz for a tour that will hit more than 50 amphitheaters this summer and fall.

Brilliant. In other news, members of The Haunted, Disfear and Cradle of Filth will be teaming up for a massive world tour this summer. Let’s just pray and hope that film director Fred Durst doesn’t decide to collaborate with Fear and the Nervous System’s Wes Borland for anything… ever.

-VN

People Magazine is reporting that Chris Cornell’s (ex-Soundgarden, ex-Audioslave) third solo album will be produced by hip-hop guru Timbaland (Nelly Furtado, Justin Timberlake, Snoop Dogg, etc). Said Timbaland, “This is the best work I’ve done in my career,” and said Cornell, “This is the most excited I’ve been about an album in years. The music is natural, not self-conscious … open.” Timbaland said he is currently mixing the album and hopes to release it within a month (!).

This is either going to be the worst rap/rock combination since Limp Bizkit and Method Man’s “N 2 together now” (confession: I liked this song when it came out. It was still 10x better than any proper Limp Bizkit songs) or the most genius collaboration since Mike Patton and Dan the Automator. Or it could just sound like an ordinary rock record… and be mostly uninteresting like Cornell’s last effort.

-VN