-->
Because we’re the metal version of The National Enquirer, we’re journalisticly obliged to post this, right? Not to do so would be negligent, right? Right?
Fine, fuck it, she’s got huge ta-tas. I mean look at those puppies!!
-VN
[Thanks: Brutal Jay]
Even before we were an “industry type” (I think we can safely call ourselves that now), I loved the fact that Roadrunner Records posts their staffers and some of the artists “best of” lists every year; these people work at/with one of the biggest metal labels out there, so it’s pretty interesting to see what they were grooving on from year to year.
The 2008 lists are on Roadrunner’s website now. Here are some highlights:
Call it the Sarah Palin Effect: so much is already stacked against In This Moment (a metalcore band two to three years after metalcore flickered out with an incredibly attractive frontwoman equipped with a ridiculously provocative sense of fashion) that the bar is set almost comedicaly low. But much like struggling to answer simple follow-up questions during one of your first televised national interviews, any slight hint of competency already exceeds expectations, and by many, will be perceived a victory. I wouldn’t call The Dream, the band’s latest album, a victory by any means, but considering the flaccidity of the genre in which it exists, they manage to ascend from “Why do bands like this still make music?” to “Not that bad, really,” with relative ease. Though by no means a classic, it wobbles between lame metalcore and admirable pop-rock somewhat effortlessly to maybe work their way onto the guilty pleasure heap – no small achievement when considering the ocean of sneers and venom already directed their way before playing a note.
Here’s the cover of the upcoming issue of Revolver, which is scheduled to hit newsstands October 21. As you can tell, it’s a Halloween-themed issue. So rather than just dress Maria Brink up in something sexified like they normally do, the creative folks over at Revolver stuck a wig on her, doused her with pig’s blood, and paid homage to Brian De Palma’s classic cinematic adaptation of Stephen King’s Carrie. I have a sneaking suspicion that some of you sick fucks will get off on this shit, so, y’know, run and get the vasoline now.
In This Moment have a new album, The Dream, in stores tomorrow on Century. Kind of amazingly, the album actually hasn’t leaked in advance of its release!
-AR
Have you ever seen that episode of The Simpsons where we get to see inside Homer’s closet, and it’s full of identical white shirts and blue pants? I’ve kinda always assumed that’s what Maria Brink’s closet looked like: just an endless row of those blue dresses.
Well, I guess the royalities from Beautiful Tragedy are really paying off, ’cause as you can see from the above photo of Maria and some other dudes who I think may also be in the band, she finally got a new dress!
Are Five Finger Death Punch really big enough to headline already? I can’t believe that At All Cost are at death’s door, but people are buying FFDP albums like their lives depended on it. I mean, just look at that photo. If that’s the not the very definition of “recockulous,” I don’t know what is.
Dear Maria Brink and the Other Anonymous Dudes from In This Moment,
First of all, I think we all got off on the wrong foot and I’d like to apologize. I know I’ve said some not very nice things about certain members of your band in the past, things that were completely superficial and in no way related to your music. And my own feelings about your physical appearance aside, I hear that you’re actually very nice people. So I hope we can leave the past in the past and just live in this moment.
(Sorry. I couldn’t resist).
Last week you released a free mp3 on your MySpace page of several of your members, including Ms. Brink, performing a cover of Pantera’s “I’m Broken” with the nice men from Talking Metal. Mostly I thought your version of the song served as a nice illustration of why Phil Anselmo was, in his heyday, one of the best screamers in all of metal. I mean, I guess musically you sounded okay enough – your guitar player is no Dimebag, but then, who is? – but really, I didn’t like Maria’s vocals. At all.
But I chose to keep my mouth shut, because, well, some perfectly respectable people thought Maria acquitted herself quite admirably.
But now you’ve posted another cover of a classic metal song on your MySpace page for free download – this time, a version of Slayer’s “Postmortem.” And, once again, your take on the song serves as little more than a reminder of what made the original so great.
FUCK SCOTT WEILAND. I’m glad you’ve been able to get this far based on your limited vocal range and ability to mimic the same style of on-stage dancing that Bowie and Iggy Pop were doing thirty years ago, but seriously, stop trying to compete with Axl Rose for the “Biggest Asshole” award – Axl will beat your ass every time. Calling Slash by his real name in a press release does not make you clever. Claiming the name “Velvet Revolver” was your idea does not make you cool. You’ve always had to suck off the musical talent teat of others, and every time I think about the fact that Layne Staley couldn’t get it together while you go on and on and on I die a little inside. I hope the DeLeo brothers stab you in the eyes with your fucking needles. And fuck your wife Mary, too.
FUCK ROBB FLYNN. I’m a huge Machine Head fan, but telling people that you “once punched some kid in the face for saying that Gary Holt sucked” is moronic. Metal is supposed to be about blowing off steam in a healthy way so as to avoid actual neanderthal behavior. There are plenty of legitimate reasons to fight in this world, but someone insulting the fucking guitar player from Exodus is not one of them. Put more simply: You either a) actually did punch some dude for talking shit about Holt and are therefore a bona fide moron or b) are lying about punching some dude for talking shit about Holt and are therefore a bona fide moron. Also, every Machine Head album in-between Burn My Eyes and Through the Ashes of Empires was a cock sucking trend chasing waste of time. Deal with it.
FUCK MARIA BRINK. Someone told me that if you see her up close she’s not actually hot, but after looking closely at some candid photos (like this one), I realized you don’t really have to be very close to her all to see that she looks like a fucking rodent. Has this bitch had too much plastic surgery (excuse me, “work done”), or does she really just look like my morning crap? Also, did you know that she sells hand drawn pictures and poems on her MySpace page (I won’t link to it, go find it if you’re so fucking interested)? I haven’t read the poems but the pictures look like they were drawn by a retarded five year old. Stop wearing that stupid blue dress and trying to exploit your non-existent looks to cover up for your lack of talent. I hope Christina Scabbia kicks you in the twat.
Fuck me for writing this, and fuck you for reading it. I’m gonna go kill a fucking bunny that made fun of Alex Skolnick.
-AR
Advertisements:
