Hello MetalSucks readers! I realize that most of you don’t know who I am, so I figured I’d take some time to tell you and maybe shed some light on the subject of why I’ve been asked to write a few fun pieces for all of your enjoyment.

My name is Bobbi Starr and I am a girl who over the past three and a half years has made a living off of all of you who buy pornography and blow your loads to the site of my asshole being impaled by the giant members of pornography legends such as Lexington Steele, and I thank you for that.

Now, those who steal porn off of bit torrent and tube sites: shame on you, and I just might hunt you down, cut your wiener off, put it on a post and do a little, non-sexual, dance, ridding you of all porno-steeling-desires. Granted, at this point you would be without a penis, but you should of thought of that before you stole my porno.

I’m just kidding. In reality, I’d probably tell you that you are a very bad boy, and then suck you off.

Anyway, back to metal. Some of you may know, I’ve pretty much always been a music nerd, and therefore a fan of the ye ol’ metal. I think those important people at MetalSucks picked up on this and thought, “We should get this chick to write nasty things for our website! That would be awesome!” I love delving into the dark, slimy depths of the music world, and sinking my teeth into some crunchy metal bands.  It may be an acquired taste for many, but I must admit that I constantly find myself craving more of those down-tuned riffs and growling vocals.

Not only is it my desire to explore the music of each band, but also my primal urge to become intimately acquainted with the nether regions of all of the band members as a whole. So, I figured, what the hell, why not make a list of the top ten metal bands that I’d like to get gangbanged by? Maybe I’ll get lucky and one of them will come through for me.

And so, in no particular order…

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I once declared the acepella metal group Van Canto to be the worst band in metal today, and while I suppose there might be some hyperbole in that statement, I stand by my assertion that they lick dog shit and like it. Why? Because they just take themselves so seriously, and are trying so hard, and seem so lame… like the nerdy kids in high school just trying so very hard to make the jocks think that acapella is cool. And believe you me, I’m not jock, but I know that acapella isn’t cool – and becomes even less so when you start making “metal” and/or American Idol contestant-esque hand movements, or make the decision that, say, rather than just sing the riff from “Battery,” you’re actually gonna sing the word “Battery” to the melody of the riff. Ugh.

But reader Chris Catharsis (which I suspect is not his real name) sent us a link to the below video of some dude named Dan-Elias Brevig doing an acapella version of Mesuggah’s “Bleed,” and while it ain’t goin’ on my iPod anytime soon, I still think it’s pretty sweet. For one thing, it’s just one dude who did all the parts by himself, which obviously takes a lot of talent. For another thing, there’s zero cheese factor or affectation here, and this guy gets that singing “Bleed-bl-bleed-bl-bleed-bl-bleed-bl-bleed-bl-bleed-bl-bleed-bl-bleed-bleed-bleed” would be terrible idea.

Watch the clip below and then feel free to try and defend Van Canto in the comments section – although you should be forewarned, I really can’t take any defense of Van Canto too seriously. ‘Cause they’re awful.

-AR

The other day Reign in Blonde reported that Meshuggah’s ObZen (among other albums) was available for only $5 as part of Amazon’s 100 Albums for $5 promotion, but today we can do you one better; The LimeWire Store has an entirely free download of the song “Combustion” from Meshuggah’s new live album Alive, which came out yesterday. Take that, blonde lasses!

I know what you’re thinking; isn’t LimeWire a P2P service that’s illegal free anyway? I thought so too, but I guess they’ve moved onto bigger and better things as implied by the word “Store” in LimeWire Store.

As part of their promotion with Meshuggah, LimeWire also has an exclusive interview with guitarist Marten Hagström. That’s two goodies for the price of none.

-VN

We’ve all been there. Tensions are high in some packed, sweaty venue, sparked by feverish excitement and the potential for violence. These people paid good money to enjoy some type of cathartic release. The frontman for whatever hard-nu-death-crab-metal-core outfit is brazen and demanding. Can you believe this shit? You PAID to be entertained, and this guy is telling YOU what to do! The speech goes something like this: “I want everybody in this room moving! Front to back, side to side, NO ONE STANDS STILL! When this part kicks in, I want total [Insert destructive word here like "chaos," "mayhem," or "bedlam" if you're witty]. If the person next to you isn’t moving, MAKE THEM MOVE!” Than, if the action is not adequate, this screamer/pep rally organizer calls YOU some variation of “pussy” or “faggot” or really anything to make you feel like a soft, womanly bitch of a man in order to get in that pit and kick another grown man in the face, all in the spirit of making this band look like they are awesome. But then something happens, as if the air is sucked out of the room at the moment of impact – when those glorious staccato chugs kick in, the crowd is almost always powerless to its charms regardless of the obvious lack of substance. Like junk food and reality TV, we have a love affair with breakdowns.

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OK so like mash-ups are SO totally 2008 (or even 2007 or 2006) but sometimes one comes along that we just can’t resist sharing.

Like this mash-up of Meshuggah’s “Bleed” and Lady GaGa’s “Paparazzi,” which Pallomember, the YouTube user who created it, boasts has “0% pitch shift, 0% time conversion.” The mash-up gets off to a ho-hum start with a sync that basically just sounds like random vocals thrown on top of a random riff that happens to be in the same time signature, but once “Bleed” starts to change the vocals start to match up rather nicely.

I’m still reeling for the William Murderface / Lady GaGa comparison, but this is pretty cool too.

-VN

Thanks to Suckalo Alex Davis for sending this in.

Do these three words inspire you with shock, awe and amazement? They sure do for me!

Meshugga Beach Party — sent in by of all people Vince Neilstein Sr., who I doubt is even aware of the existence of a metal band named Meshuggah — isn’t a beach party with our favorite poly-rhythmic Swedish headbangers, but is in fact a California-based band that dresses as hasids and boasts “Traditional Jewish folk songs… Instrumental Surf Music… WHO KNEW?”

Meshuggah Beach Party might not possess the same windmilling finesse as their Swedish counterparts, but they do have some pretty sweet choreographed stage moves (fast-forward to the 0:55 mark)… for a bunch of shlemiels, anyway:

I wish I would’ve known about these guys last year so I could’ve hired them to play my 2nd Bar-Mitzvah.

-VN

Since Kiss have already released, like, eighty-seven “live” (we know they tinkered with them in the studio after the fact so they’re not really live) albums entitled Alive, you’d think that no other band would ever want to give that name to their own live set ever again. I mean, being even vaguely associated with Kiss is like being even vaguely associated with herpes: you just don’t want that kind of stigma.

But Meshuggah aren’t just any band. If they turned out to be actual Gods, no one should be surprised. So their previously announced DVD now has a title – Alive (duh) – and a release date: February 5 in Europe and February 9 in the U.S. And it’s not just  a live DVD, but there’s a live CD that comes with it. And I’d wager that Meshuggah did not tinker with it after the fact. Just a guess.

Bonus: the cover art is a play on the poster for the original Alien, one of my favorite movies of all time.

Watch a trailer and get the tracklist for the CD/DVD set after the jump.

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In no particular order…

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These are some of my favorite producers and mixers for heavy music… It’s a challenging genre, and these guys are great in my opinion.

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MetalUnderground.com is reporting that Meshuggah will release a live DVD in early 2010. This is great news for us U.S. Meshuggah fans who get to see the band live, like, never. Except when we got to see them at BonerFest 2009, aka with Cynic and The Faceless — that ruled.

No details have been released yet about when and where the footage for this new DVD was filmed. In the meantime here they are performing “Straws Pulled at Random”; this clip was included on the DVD portion of the re-release of Nothing.

-VN

The UK’s Fellsilent — a Sumeriancore band who are on, duh, Sumerian Records (and Basick in the UK) — have a new video for their track “Immerse” [sent in by Spencer B.]. The video itself is pretty cool with some neat-o lighting effects and a giant mosh pit, and makes me wish I was 19 again and tearing shit up in the pit. The song, on the otherhand… this band’s just got nothing original to offer. Fellsilent like their heroes so much that they cop Meshuggah riffs like they’re on sale at the 99¢ store (not to mention the patented Meshuggah forward-and-back headbang) and they even have two lead vocalists like Sikth, the band from which they steal their rhythm and lead guitar diddly-dos. They’re competent, sure, but being a competent rip-off artist of good bands does not a good band make by association. I call BS on Fellsilent. You be the judge.

-VN

FELLSILENT – Immerse (official video) from Basick Records on Vimeo.

Holy shit, does this band wish it were Meshuggah or what?

I just got an e-mail asking me if I want a copy of their album for review. Thank you, I’m sure you’re very a nice person, but, no, I already have enough shitty CDs sitting on my desk that I’ll probably never find time to review.

-AR

Round about the time this site was jocking the wares of avant-garde prog metallers Sikth and Textures, several of you emailed us about the French band Hacride. And as usual, you were right on the money. While Hacride don’t have the frenetic nature of Sikth nor the epic sense of melody of Textures, they do have the technicality and the brutal grooves of both, which naturally just means they all have a common influence in Meshuggah. But theirs is a slower, more raw version of any of the above; in fact, the band I’d most liken Hacride to is Norway’s Benea Reach — punishing, grooving, articulate, deliberate and beautiful all the same. This is Meshuggah strung out on heroin, lounging back in a dirty old armchair with a cigarette burnt to the filter in one hand and the TV remote control in the other.

The band’s got a new album Lazarus coming out on April 20th, and they’ve posted the song “My Enemy” (all 10 minutes of it!) on their MySpace page. Go listen to that shit! It’s some of the best material Hacride have written to date. And if you like it, pre-order the record with a limited edition Hacride t-shirt on Listenable Records’ MySpace.

-VN

You bitched and moaned about daylight savings time, even though you were asleep when the clocks changed and you get an extra hour of daylight every day until November. You are all retards.

Here’s what else happened this week:

• Sigh’s Mirai Kawashima gave us another studio report (no naked Dr. Mikannibal pics, sorry), Early Man’s Mike Conte got his cheesesteak on, and Neuraxis’ Alexandre Leblanc gave us his final tour blog.
• We spoke with Darkane’s Christofer Malmstrom, Meshuggah’s Marten Hagstrom, Soilwork’s Peter Wichers and Ross the Boss (ex-Manowar)
• Our man-crush on Trent Reznor grew ever greater.
• You argued over who was the most important member of Metallica, past and present.
• We looked at new releases by Razor of Occam and Karl Sanders.
• It was a big week in the Norwegian courts… the Gorgoroth case was settled, and Varg was granted parole.
• Crazytown and Skunk Anansie are getting back together.

Next week Kip and I take off for Austin, TX on Wednesday. We’ll be live-blogging whenever possible. To everyone else, have fun not being there, suckazzz!!

-VN

By all accounts, the Meshuggah / Cynic / The Faceless tour earlier year was exactly the masturbatory dude-fest it promised to be from the get-go. With a lineup like that, how could it be anything less than completely mindblowing? Before the show I had the opportunity to catch up with Meshuggah guitarist Marten Hagstrom. I asked him about the touring lifestyle, how the band’s sound has evolved and changed over the years, Meshuggah’s now near-legendary cult status, and one question that really got his goat about the hoardes of Swedish melodic death metal bands that have grown to popularity in recent years. Our chat, after the jump.

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There are a LOT of Meshuggah rip-off bands these days. Tons of ‘em. But accusing a band of sounding like Meshuggah is a pretty damn fine compliment, and if you asked the lads in Fellsilent what they thought of this comparison they’d likely have an answer similar to Airbourne’s Joel O’Keefe when we asked him about being constantly compared to AC/DC:

It doesn’t matter who you are, you are going to get compared to somebody. To be compared to the best rock and roll band in the business, who are still going today and are about to release another album, there is no higher compliment. I could list a thousand bands that I would not want to be compared to. There are a handful that any band does [want to be compared to]. If you get compared to a band like AC/DC or Motorhead or Rose Tattoo or Iron Maiden or Metallica, you can’t be doing anything wrong because that’s real rock and roll.

Meshuggah certainly don’t have the legacy of AC/DC but in certain circles they’re just as revered. So, that brings us to Fellsilent, the latest in a large stable of excellent new bands signed to Sumerian Records (one band excepted).

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So, as Vince mentioned, we went to see the Mesuggah/Cynic/The Faceless last night. It should go without saying that the show was killer – still, having never seen Cynic or The Faceless live before, I was somewhat unprepared for just how killer the evening turned out to be.

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Saying we’re not beyond stoked for the Meshuggah / Cynic / The Faceless pummeling we’re going to receive tonight would be like saying Wes Borland didn’t re-join Limp Bizkit for the moolah (it’s the nookie… yeah… that’s it). I mean this is pretty much the ultimate prog-metal erectionfest of 2009, whatwith the certain non-metal-itude of this year’s Prog Nation tour, amirite?

Lucky for you, Meshuggah and Cynic have been keeping their own online video channel from the tour. Check this clip of Meshuggah performing “Bleed” in Hollywood, and scroll through the arrows to watch Tomas Haake sound check footage, a Cynic performance, tour diaries and more. Listen to and download two free mp3s below while you’re at it.

Side note: certain MS staffers are still looking for tickets to this. If you got extras, email vince AT metalsucks DOT net.

Meshuggah – “Bleed”
Cynic – “Evolutionary Sleeper”

-VN

Thanks to Metal Injection for pointing out that A Life Once Lost have apparently started work on the follow-up to 2007′s Sacrament, Part II Iron Gag. In a statement, the band said “Now that we’ve heard Lamb of God’s Wrath, we know what our new album should sound like!”

In all seriousness, I shouldn’t give ALOL shit for aping LoG; for one thing, I actually really, really like ALOL’s music, and for another thing, they sometimes ape Meshuggah, too. So…

While we wait for the ALOL album later this year, here’s the band’s video for “Vulture” off of 2005′s Hunter, which is a rabid dog of  a record if ever there was one. That guitar solo is suh-weet!

-AR

If 2008 was the year of Gojira, then 2009 will most certainly be the year every new band looking for some traction starts saying they sound like Gojira. Especially bands from France. Take recent Metal Blade-signees END. (all capitals, followed by a period. not to be confused with The End, the Tool soundalikes from Canada, or The End Records, based right here in New York). A press release announcing the signing informs us that “Much like fellow homeland heroes Gojira, END. pull off a signature sound that can immediately be picked up by the metal critics.”  Sheesh, I guess they have my number!

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