Where to begin with this woefully disappointing Mets season? It all fell apart on that disastrous 2-9 West Coast road trip in July. Sure, the problems started before then with two weeks of .500 ball prior to and immediately after the All Star break… but what team doesn’t have a string of mediocrity? After they returned from out west it seemed like they’d given up — everyone excerpt for R.A. Dickey, of course, by far the most Metal Met. Well, that’s not quite true… our starting pitching has been phenomenal. Excellent. Whoda thunk it going into this season?

While the season’s been disappointing to be sure, it’s been a helluva lot more satisfying than last year’s. We’ve seen the emergence of some genuine, quality homegrown talent in the likes of Ike Davis, Jon Niese, Ruben Tejada and Josh Thole. A really, really solid core of youngsters to build upon. I like that. Let’s dump K-Rod and Beltran in trades for prospects this off-season and move on, and FOR THE LOVE OF GOD just cut Oliver Fucking Perez from the roster and take the salary hit. What an asshole, that guy; what a baby. Ugh… it makes my blood boil. What a fucking baby.

Oh and one more thing: Angel Pagan. Gotta love that guy. I’m perfectly fine with having him as our starting center fielder in 2011.

Anywho, I’m ranting. Randy Johnson, one of the most metal baseball players to ever hover on a pitcher’s mound (look at that scowl!!!), apparently fancies himself a metal photographer these days and shot some photos at Ozzfest for Noisecreep. I’m wondering if Johnson couldn’t secure a photo pass or just didn’t want to be seen in the photo pit, because there aren’t actually very many pictures of bands playing. But I like that Johnson is doing something interesting with his retirement. Check out the pics at Noisecreep.

-VN

This edition of Metal Mets is written by none other than Decibel Magazine managing editor and die-hard Mets fan Andrew Bonazelli! We thank Andrew for his contribution, and welcome him a respite from his most unfortunate current home of Philthydelphia any time he’d like.

It’s an honor to take the reins on Vince’s (not recurring enough) Metal Mets column this month. As for actually complimenting our beloved collection of past and future choke-artists, despite their mildly surprising 35-28 record this morning… well, I’m going to go as easy on them as they do on me.

I’ve belabored this point to death elsewhere, but as much as Vince and I (and Mookie Singerman, and Scott Kelly, etc.) wish the contrary, pro ballplayers do not give a flying fuck about extreme music. Twins reliever Pat Neshek is probably the only active player who can speak in polysyllable about the Red Chord or Isis. So, it’s no surprise that the Mets are but one of 30 teams whose starting lineup comes out to at-bat music that totally gargles balls. This is not just from a metalhead’s perspective, mind you, but a Person Who Values Their Sanity’s. Let’s grade their selections (with special thanks to the forum-crawlers at operationsports.com for collecting this crap):

Jose Reyes
“All I Do Is Win” by DJ Khaled
“El Sapito” by Villanosam
“Watagatapitusberry” by Black Point

Not white, presumably has little interest in USBM cassette-trading. Also “the most exciting player in baseball,” hence he gets a pass. DJ Khaled’s “WE THE BEST” shtick is pretty fucking annoying, for the three of you in MetalSucks land who have listened to him, which certainly aligns with how Jose is perceived by opposing fans. Whatever.
GRADE: Incomplete

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WRITTEN BY GUEST BLOGGER REVEREND DAVID J. CIANCIO OF BURGER CONQUEST

[Earlier in the summer, MetalSucks ran a special feature in which Shadows Fall went for a Burger Conquest at the Arctic Roadrunner in Anchorage, AK. You liked the story and demanded more like it. So: more like it. -Ed.]

With a 3rd Shake Shack location opened at Citi Field, home of the woeful MetalSucks favorite New York Mets, we had a perfect target for another Burger Conquest. But why stop at 2 blogs? We like to go big so we invited the Jose’s Chin Pubes from The Wright Stache (“The Internet leader in encouraging David Wright to grow a mustache”) and Mookie Singerman from the metal band Genghis Tron and our good friend Chuck — who somehow managed to hook up 5th row seats behind the 3rd base dugout, and also happens to run the road merch operation for Alice in Chains and others — to join in on our pursuit for a tasty burger.

If you’re a foodie like we are, you know all there is to know about the Danny Meyer “roadside” burger stand, the Shake Shack. If this is the first you have heard of it, there’s a reason for the hype; it’s awesome. You can read more by clicking here. One of our favorite summer pastimes is drinking and eating our way around a baseball park (See Yankee Stadium / Dodger Stadium Burger Conquests) this was lined up to be a lot of fun. With Mustaches adorned, we set off on our Conquest.

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And this is what happens when Axl’s hungover ass is late to the MetalSucks Mansion; Vince watches Mets highlight reels all morning long. Kind of like how Axl will surely watch Stanley Kubrick films all day long when I’m out on my joy ride tomorrow.

Ah, Metal Mike. The glory days of Metsdom. When one majestic swing could instantly change the fate of a game and turn everything around. When this team had hope, energy and enthusiasm. When John Franco would come in and shut the door (well, ok, maybe not). Carlos Delgado is a hero for 2008… But Metal Mike, he is not. D-Wright is the great white hope, but he lacks the flair. Jose, Jose, Jose is the closest thing we’ve got, but he too lacks the charisma and class when he throws temper tantrums on the field. So let’s retire #31 already; shall we?

Sigh. 2008 seems hopeless, doesn’t it? I mean, it’s not ever yet… But really, it is. Why even watch? This is too excruciating and heartbreaking to bother.

-VN

Thanks to MetalSucks reader Tiago for sending us this clip of Shellac live in Rio this past Tuesday. And thanks to Wikipedia for reminding us that Shellac guitarist Steve Albini is a baseball nut.

And best of all, thank the fucking lord that baseball season is starting on Monday. Thank you for Johan Santana and thank you for Billy Wagner, below, shown entering the 9th inning to the tomes of Metallica’s “Enter Sandman.”

-VN

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