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Welcome to “Question of the Week,” a (not really at all) weekly debate amongst the MetalSucks staff regarding a recent hot button issue.

Inspired by the ongoing disaster that is Lou Reed & Metallica’s Lulu, this week we asked our writers:

BESIDES METALLICA AND LOU REED, WHAT IS THE WORST COLLABORATION BETWEEN A METAL BAND/ARTIST AND A NON-METAL BAND/ARTIST? AND WHAT IS THE WORST ONE YOU COULD POSSIBLY IMAGINE IN YOUR WILDEST NIGHTMARES?

The MS staff’s answers after the jump!

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I know we’re already beating this Lulu thing to death, but, I mean, c’mon — it is just SO AMAZING that Metallica have somehow figured out a way to disappoint the fans yet AGAIN, and have possibly even outdone the debacle that was St. Anger. Seriously, this thing is so hilariously awful somewhere in the world right now, Axel Rudi Pell and the dudes from Morbid Angel are on their knees, thanking the good Lord for finally taking the heat off of them.

And now comes the silver lining of Lulu — namely, the parodies and memes. NPR helpfully points the way towards those which have already been released. First up are some fake pre-production demos by a YouTube user named gr8080. gr8080′s version of “Little Dog” was made utilizing nothing more than a knowledge of the song title and running time (for maximum troll power!), and it’s hilarious (I especially appreciate all the howling. Except that gr8080 had no way of knowing that he (I think it’s a he) was creating something that was actually far more melodic than the actual “Little Dog,” which, like all of Lulu, is just a total fucking mess. “Little Dog” also happens to be one of the most boring songs on Lulu, so gr8080 has Loutallica beat in the energy department, too.

I’m also very fond of gr8080′s version of “Brandenburg Gate,” which melds lots of silly German stuff together (Kraftwerk-style avant-electronica, the entire language, etc.) in the name of comedy gold:

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The headline says it all. You can stream Lulu, Metallica’s new collaboration with Lou Reed, right now, right here.

Give it a listen, then come back here for what will surely be the most fun debate of the year: Is Lulu terrible, or really, really terrible?

The MetalSucks staff will weigh in with its thoughts before the album’s official release on November 1. Until then, you have the floor, dear readers.

I don’t watch NCIS: Los Angeles, or the regular NCIS, for that matter, but last week the reader known “The Flying Scotsman” (That’s a silly handle, everyone knows Scottish people can’t fly!) tipped us off that a recent episode of the former show had included a pretty funny bit involving the names of various metal bands. At the time only the full episode was available for streaming, but last night Scott Ian from Anthrax — one of the bands referenced in the scene — tweeted the individual clip. So now that you don’t hafta skim the whole episode to get to the one metal-relevant joke, I thought you might enjoy seeing it.

And if not, well, blow me. I’m trying to keep you guys entertained, you could at least be grateful, dicks.

Funny, no? I think there’s actually a little bit more in the full scene, but you get the idea.

And then I found twenty bucks.

-AR

Lars Ulrich has a history of saying really dumb shit to promote his latest really dumb endeavor, but his most recent brain fart may actually be his stinkiest one yet.

See, back in 2003, before there even was a MetalSucks (unless you believe the kid I met at New York Comic Con this weekend who very excitedly told me he’s been an avid reader since 2002), there was a rumor going around that Lars Ulrich was going to do some of the scoring for Kill Bill, Quentin Tarantino’s then-heavily-anticipated martial arts opus. Of course, that never actually came to pass, and now Ulrich has explained why in a guest column for The Daily Beast. The issue, it seems, started when he sat down to read the script (which is available here if you’re interested):

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[UPDATE, 1:29pm EDT: Metal Insider has posted an MP3! Click here to listen and scroll to the bottom.]

[UPDATE, 1:06pm EDT: Welp, looks like the video's been pulled. Sorry folks.]

If you’re like most sane metalheads you did not like the Metallica / Loud Reed track “The View,” the first song to be released from their forthcoming LuLu collaboration. While I wouldn’t say that Lou Reed’s vocals were the only thing folks didn’t like about “The View” I’d say that they certainly didn’t help the cause. Don’t get me wrong, I love some Velvet Underground stuff but this just… doesn’t work. So what would “The View” sound like without Lou Reed? Internet to the rescue, via Metal Insider:

I can’t see anyone jumping into the ring to say this song totally fucking rules man one way or the other, but taking Reed’s vocals out of the equation certainly takes the edge off. At worst it sounds like a b-side from Death Magnetic and at best it’s a nice little 2-minute dittty about James Hetfield’s desire to be a table.

-VN

Last week we tipped you off to a striking similarity between the intros of Mastodon’s Hunter track “Creature Lives” and the Steve Miller Band’s classic “Threshold / Jet Airliner.” Coincidence? Intentional nod to a personal favorite of one or more of the Mastodudes? Until the next time we speak with a member of Mastodon we can only speculate, which could take a while seeing as we just spoke with guitarist Bill Kelliher.

But what is the Internet for if not useless and reckless speculation? Especially with Mastodon, a band whose ambitious progsterpieces are the source of endless Internet rambling and LOST-ish conspiracy theories; they’re the Pink Floyd, or better yet the Tool, of this era.

To that end, MS reader Ryan H. has unearthed another sound-alike — again with song intros — this time between The Hunter‘s “Dry Bone Valley” and Metallica’s “Damage, Inc.” Metallica’s intro is a whole lot longer, but Ryan H. is right on the money that these two intros sound alike. It could be that both bands just decided to create eery swell-like sound effects with EBows or whatever, but it could also be… so much more! I’m pretty sure if you play both songs backwards and sync them up with one another that there’s some kind of secret message to be decoded that simultaneously unlocks all the secrets of the universe and bestows upon us a map to a hidden Dharma Initiative station. What do you think???

-VN

In all the discussion of thrash metal’s first big bands, too little airtime is given to the great Suicidal Tendencies. Launched by a teenaged Mike Muir in Los Angeles, Suicidal took root in punk and hardcore, landed an early MTV hit in the manic, careening “Institutionalized,” and attracted the ire of authorities via rumored gang ties and concert violence. And that was before ST solidified a line-up, one anchored by Muir’s bandmate in No Mercy, riff-god guitarist Mike Clark. The two Mikes rebooted Suicidal with the defiantly thrashy How Will I Laugh Tomorrow When I Can’t Even Smile Today, a major label-powered crossover hit which drew an even bigger target on the band for censorship crusaders and unwittingly helped to fertilize the coming crop of nu-metal self-pity peddlers.

But in the hands of Muir, personal woes weren’t excuses but motivation, and confrontation more often than wallowing; see 1989′s mini-album Controlled By Hatred/Feel Like Shit … Deja Vu, on which Muir continues to document disassociation for a society slow to acknowledge mental health realties. Suicidal’s peak came in 1990 with Lights … Camera … Revolution, an album-length indictment of society’s complicity in its own demise, all cowed by power-mongers, con men, and the self-righteous. This was a different era for metal; no commercial band had yet approached the blunt rage, contrarianism, and pervasive guitar solos of Suicidal Tendencies.

On the phone to MetalSucks last week from California, a typically expansive Muir downplayed his regard for the history of Suicidal, but even he looks back to past days on The Mad Mad Muir Musical Tour (Part 1), his forthcoming collection of new and vault tracks by re-punk era ST, his solo Cyco Miko project, and Infectious Grooves, the funk-metal clan Muir formed with ST bassist Robert Trujillo (now of Metallica). So I had all the license needed to drag Muir down memory lane to tour the land of Suicidal. Join us!

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We got like a gajillion e-mails yesterday about The Mini Band, a sextet that consists of four eight year-olds and two ten year-olds who recently covered Metallica’s “Enter Sandman” and Guns N’ Roses’ “Sweet Child O’ Mine.” And when I say “a gajillion e-mails,” I am exaggerating only slightly. My own personal e-mail was flooded with “tips” from friends and family members who don’t even give a shit about metal.

It’s not surprising, though, ’cause these lil’ tykes are adorable, and actually sound really good, especially when you take their ages into consideration. And given how the actual Metallica and Axl Rose’s pseudo-GN’R sound these days, well…

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I don’t know why anyone would trust anything Metallica has to say these days. Every time they have a new album coming out, they start talking smack on their last album, which is doubly offensive. “St. Anger is gonna blow Load out of the water!” “Okay we know St. Anger sucked, but seriously, Death Magnetic is gonna be amazing!!!” All they’re really doing is just continuously spitting in the faces of fans who actually take them at their word.

But in a new interview with Rolling Stone, Lars Ulrich really does go one step too far: He says that Lulu, the band’s upcoming collaboration with Lou Reed, “makes… And Justice for All sound like the first Ramones album.”

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Today is the twenty-fifth anniversary of the death of Cliff Burton, who remains one of the most influential and innovative bassists in the history of metal. And while we’re aware that normally you’d have a moment of silence to commemorate a loved one’s passing, well, we don’t think Cliff would want a moment of silence at all. The dude devoted his life to METAL — clearly, he’d want us all to make as much noise in his honor as possible.

So here’s all of Cliff’s bass solos from the Cliff ‘Em All DVD. This might truly be the most glorious racket we can imagine. R.I.P., Cliff.

Loutallica, left to right: Rob Trujillo, Lars Ulrich, James Hetfield, Kirk Hammett, Lou Reed

I said I was over it with this Metallicrap when we first heard a thirty second sample of “The View,” the first single off their upcoming collaboration with Lou Reed, Lulu; I’m still over with it this Metallicrap. I have finally come to a good place in my life, a place where I realize that the only thing which will ever remind me of why I used to so worship Metallica is listening to the old Metallica albums that made me fall in love with them back in the day. They are not ever going to release something new and good again.

But let’s face it, MetalSucks ain’t a news site, exactly, but it is a site that discusses the news, and the fact that the full song has now been released is news, so, y’know, I’m posting it. I really have nothing to say about it, other than the fact that the song shares a title with a television show in which four old ladies and one obligatory young woman sit around and talk about nothing of interest seems totally appropriate. Also, I think Whoopi Goldberg and Lars Ulrich have both shtupped Frank Langella, so there’s that.

ANYWAY, the full song is after the jump if you wanna hear it. Lulu comes out November 1 on Warner Bros.

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My fellow Chimairicans: I’ve got good news and really good news. So let’s start with the good news.

EMG Pickups is apparently holding a contest wherein contestants upload videos of themselves covering a Metallica tune (on EMG-equipped instruments, natch) to YouTube for the chance to win a shitload of stuff. And I don’t really care about that, but I do care that one of the contestants is Rob Arnold, who does a version of “To Live is to Die” that absolutely rips. Seriously, Kirk Hammett hasn’t sounded this good since before he went through menopause. Check out Arnold’s cover below:

Pretty cool, no?

But here’s the better news — more dates for the second leg of Chimaira’s headlining tour in support of their awesome new album, The Age of Hell, have gotten out, and they include a stop at the Starland Ballroom in New Jersey for WSOU’s 25th Anniversary concert. WSOU is pretty much the best metal radio station on the East Coast and possibly the entire United States, so I’m thrilled that such a killer band is gonna help them celebrate their birthday. And since support on that tour is coming from Unearth, Skeletonwitch, and Molotov Solution, they’ll all be playing, too, which is in no way bad news. You can get more details on that show, including ticket info, from Metal Insider.

Here are all the dates for the first leg of the tour, which features Revocation, Impending Doom, and Rise to Remain; dates for the second leg of the tour are after the jump!

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A thirty second sample of “The View,” one of the songs on Metallica and Lou Reed’s upcoming Lulu, is now available for streaming (below). And while it is, of course, horribly unfair to judge an album based on thirty seconds, I am now fully prepared to say that this record is going to suck.

The short description of the sample would be this: horrible, generic Metallica riff that sounds like any number of the horrible, generic riffs the band has made their name playing for the past fifteen years or so; Lou Reed doing spoken word poetry; Hetfield in full-on “Yea-AH!” Elvis mode singing; jaded blogger going back to sleep.

I don’t know if I’m even gonna have the energy to listen to this entire record. Life is too short for me to keep putting up with this crap just because Metallica were my favorite band twenty fucking years ago. Maybe their intentions are pure, but it doesn’t matter; clearly, we just have different visions for what we want out of the band. So let’s just call it “irreconcilable differences,” agree to share custody of Slayer, and finalize the divorce, alright?

Metallica/Lou Reed – “The View” (30 Second Sample)

Lulu comes out November 1 on Warner Bros.

-AR

[via Amazon... thanks to everyone who e-mailed this to us this morning.]

via WWTDD

So much of this week ended up being devoted to the Big Four that I honestly don’t wanna think about any of those bands again for at least the remainder of the year. So to wrap this shit up, here’s everything Big Four-related we did this week:

• We live snarked the Big Four show at Yankee Stadium.
• We went to an Anthrax press conference.
• We went to the Metal Masters clinic and saw Phil Anselmo jam some Pantera with various Big Fourers.
• We debated the merits and demerits of Anthrax’s Worship Music.
• We listened to Lars Ulrich on Howard Stern.
• We had fun at the expense of Dave Mustaine’s faith.
• We had a Big Four edition of Show Us Your Metalsucks.
• We helped Metal Injection with their Big Four-themed Livecast.
• I also made an appearance in Metal Injection’s Big Four video recap, which you MUST watch because a) it’s awesome and b) I’m so handsome!

Hey-o!!! If you’re not sick of listening to us ramble on and on about The Big Four yet, I’m gonna be on the Metal Injection Livecast tonight at 8 pm eastern/7 pm central to continue to discuss the show. You can even call in at 646-929-1357 if you wanna ask a specific question, or tell us what assholes we are for not saying unconditionally nice things about each and every band and daring to have an opinion. (I know one of you left a comment under our live snark yesterday saying you hope I die in front of my parents, which seems like a pretty reasonable punishment for daring to suggest that Metallica in 2011 might not be the best thing ever.)

Listen here. The fun starts at 8 pm eastern/7 pm central.

-AR

I was just talking with a friend earlier this week about how much I miss Howard Stern. See, I used to wake up to his voice each and every morning while we were living together before he left me for that bitch Beth Ostrosky before he made the move to satellite radio, which, to this day, I do not have. As it stands, it’s literally been years since I’ve heard Howard’s show.

And I miss Stern all the more now that I’ve gotten to listen to the interview he did with Lars Ulrich this past Tuesday. It’s a great interview, even if it requires you to ignore Stern’s over-appraisal of Ulrich’s drumming skills. (The funniest part of The New York Times‘ review of yesterday’s Big Four show: “Rhythmically, [Slayer] swung, unlike Metallica, whose rhythm often grew unstable and plodding.”] There’s lots of juicy gossip in here, including how Ulrich is self-taught (shocking!) and had to take drum lessons for six months in-between Kill ‘Em All and Ride the Lightning, how he stole Dave Mustaine’s woman, how his wife left him, and how Hetfield isn’t exactly a social animal. Bonus: the great Richard Christy (Charred Walls of the Damned, Death, Iced Earth) — a drummer with, like, a gajillion times more skill than Ulrich — even gets to chime in.

Here’s part one…

…and you can listen to the rest after the jump.

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We have successfully arrived at Yankee Stadium and are sitting in the press box. We feel so professional!

We’re gonna put the live blog after the jump so it doesn’t eat up the entire page. You’ll hafta refresh to get updates. Sorry.

And now, enjoy the snark…

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To help promote their upcoming tour, on October 11 Judas Priest will release The Chosen Few, their umpteenth career retrospective, and one which does not feature any new material. The Chosen Few does have a hook, though — I mean, beyond the fact that the band members appear on the cover only as silhouettes, I assume at least in part to downplay the fact that a certain key member is no longer in the group.

No, the hook  (and this is actually a neat idea) is that the band has let a lot of other celebrity musicians — including Ozzy, Lemmy, James Hetfield, Lars Ulrich, Kerry King, Slash, and Vinnie Paul  – choose which songs would appear on the collection. And, yeah, it’s interesting to know that Zakk Wylde is way into “Grinder,” and and that Randy Blythe and David Coverdale might actually have something to talk about at a cocktail party, and that Joe Satriani likes his Priest heavier than I might have suspected.

But like I said, there’s no new material here, so I can’t quite imagine why anyone would want this album anyway. The coolest thing about The Chosen Few is seeing which dude chose which song, and you can do that after the jump. So, look, we just saved you ten bucks.

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That’s right! The wait is finally just about over; tomorrow, Metallica, Slayer, Megadeth, and Anthrax will play Yankee Stadium in the Boogie Down Bronx. If you can’t make, fret not — thanks to a last minute invitation to hang out in the press room, we’ll be there, and Rob from Metal Injection and myself are going to live blog the whole event right here on MetalSucks! Come for the descriptions of all the fun and excitement that you’re missing, and stay for what is sure to be witty commentary completely lacking in sarcasm and/or sophomoric humor.

Anthrax are scheduled to take the stage at 4 pm; I imagine we’ll get started shortly beforehand, and, internet connectivity and sobriety level allowing, continue to give you the blow-by-blow throughout the afternoon and evening. Join us, won’t you?

-AR