Whether you’re going to the Big Four show at Yankee Stadium tomorrow and wanna start pre-gaming early or you’re just in the NYC area and looking for something fun to do this evening, do not forget: we’re teaming up with  Metal Injection, Metal Insider, and Metal Army to throw a massive Big 4 pre-party at our favorite bar, Idle Hands. John Jospeh from Cro-Mags is DJing, and there are gonna be some other metal celebs in attendance, although if you wanna know who… we’ll, you’ll just have to be there, won’t you?

$4 drafts starting at 7 pm; you can get even more details from Idle Hands’ website. See ya there!!!

-Axl & Vince

I meant to remind you guys yesterday but I’m a dick so I forgot — Arch Enemy’s North American Khaos Tour, which we here at MetalSucks are very proudly co-presenting, is now underway! I’ve been trying to find fan-filmed footage from last night’s kickoff show in Baltimore to no avail, but I hear the concert was great… which is really no shock. Especially given that the three support bands — DevilDriver, Skeletonwitch, and Chthonic — are all as much fun as Arch Enemy! You can get dates here. If anyone is gonna be at the NYC show tonight, come find us. I’ll be the really, really not-sober guy in the back screaming for them to play “Savage Messiah” over and over again.

Now, here’s some stuff we did this week:

• We debuted new music from Black Cobra.
• We also debuted an outtake from the movie Hesher and a clip from Fantomas’ new live DVD.
• We spoke to Charlie Benante from Anthrax and Avi Kulawy from Magrudergrind.
• We checked out the latest releases from Brutal Truth, Wolves in the Throne Room,and Bloodsoaked.
• We debated the merits of new songs from Mastodon, Opeth, and Megadeth.
• We launched The Third Annual “Run MetalSucks for a Day” contest.
• Vince listed “The Top Fifteen Reasons Metallica are the Yankees of Metal,” and then The Austerity Program’s Justin Foley offered a retort.
• We fucked Bret Michaels in the motherfucking eye.
• We voted for Sergeant D.’s acoustic cover of The Acacia Strain.
• We almost had to kill a puppy.

And, oh hey, did we mention that tickets for The Metal Suckfest are on sale now? We did? Okay, swell!

Have a good weekend, y’all. See ya Monday.

-AR

[Justin Foley -- MS columnist, guitarist/vocalist in The Austerity Program and... <scoff> Yankees fan -- was so inspired by yesterday's The Top Fifteen Reasons That Metallica Are the Yankees of Metal post that he decided to write a response. Here it is! -Ed.]

Vince,

It’s really sad that you just won’t let things go.  So you like the Mets.  But they’re losers.  So you hate winners.  Just keep reading those three sentences over and over until they sink in.

Metallica are not the Yankees of metal.  Consider just this: the Yankees are still playoff contenders every year and likely have many more WS rings in front of them.  Metallica … what could the future hold for them?  I’ll tell you what: one thing – Gene Simmons.  Gene Simmons is right now just waiting by his phone for them to call him so that he can take over.  He’ll talk to them about staging a ‘Nothing But Denim’ tour, partnering with novelty acts for marketing purposes and then, when it’s time for your target demographic to consider it, ease into casket promotion.  He’s ready.  Everything else at this point is just postponing the inevitable.

So let’s review your reasons and why they’re (mostly) wrong.

15.  No. The Yanks have had ups and downs, but at least several Golden Eras. In the late 90′s-early 00′s, for example, the Yankees were a legitimately incredible baseball team. But anything after “And Justice…” is basking in the glow of an earlier light.

14.  Huh?

13.  The Yankees have the biggest payroll in baseball and the best championship record of any professional sports team.  Maybe Metallica have the same?  I don’t know.  But also keep in mind that the Yankees have always been in the Bronx.  Although it seemed to require a full raping of the city/state funds to do it, they still remain on 161st Street.  Can’t say that about the Dodgers and Giants.

12.  Absolutely.  And that’s why they’re both successfully ripped off by bootleggers.

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One of the quirkiest and most unapologetically uncompromising films to be released this year was writer/director Spencer Susser’s Sundance hit Hesher. The anarchic dark comedy stars Joseph Gordon-Levitt (Hey, we were just talking about that dude!) as the title character, a sort of heavy metal Mary Poppins who helps a grieving father (The Office‘s Rainn Wilson) and son (Devon Brochu) overcome a recent family tragedy. And while that might sounda kinda saccharine,  Hesher — the movie and the character — is metal as fuck. Not only did Gordon-Levitt base his character on Cliff Burton, but his entrance music for every scene is Metallica’s “The Shortest Straw.” The band was even cool enough to lend the film their music and logo design.

If you missed Hesher in theaters this past spring, fret not — Lionsgate will release movie on DVD, Blu-ray, Digital Download and On Demand this coming Tuesday, September 13. To celebrate, MetalSucks is proudly debuting the below clip, a special feature from the DVD/Blu-ray release. It’s an outtake of one of the funniest scenes in the movie, in which Hesher, with no regard for manners or his present company, tells a graphic story about… well, you’ll see. As it turns out, the actors couldn’t get through the scene without cracking up, and it’s hard to blame ‘em!

You can pre-order Hesher, which also stars Natalie Portman and Piper Laurie, on DVD here, and Blu-ray here.

With the Big 4 concert in NYC fast approaching, its high time for some tasteless list-making and name-calling. Even the staunchest of metal purists probably can’t summon quite the amount of hatred for Metallica that we here at MetalSucks feel towards the Yankees (really just their fans), but lettuce be cereal here for a moment: it’s only too fitting that Metallica chose Yankee Stadium for the Big 4 show. So, here we go, the Top Fifteen Reasons That Metallica Are the Yankees of Metal:

15. Both had classic and storied beginnings but are now concerned only with making Benjamins.

14. Both suffered premature losses of legends (Lou Gehrig = Cliff Burton).

13. Both have historically received unwarranted amounts of attention despite the presence of more authentic, likable peers (Slayer / Megadeth / Anthrax = Giants / Dodgers / Mets)

12. Believe in charging even the poorest of their fans $90 for a ticket and $40 for a t-shirt.

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That’s right, kids: On Tuesday, September 13 — the evening before The Big 4 show at Yankee Stadium — MetalSucks is teaming up with our pals at Metal Injection, Metal Insider, and Metal Army to throw a massive Big 4 pre-party at our favorite bar, Idle Hands. As you can see from the poster above, there’s gonna be $4 drafts starting at 7 pm, and you should really and try and get so drunk so as to be still drunk at the show the next day, ’cause four bucks is approximately 1/1,000th the cost of a beer at Yankee Stadium.

And to make the whole affair that much more fun, John Jospeh from Cro-Mags is DJing! And a little birdie told me there may some other very special guests may be on hand. So whether you’re coming to NYC specifically for the event, or you’re just looking for an awesome hang to get the party started a little early, Idle Hands is the place to be the night before the show.

Get more details from Idle Hands’ website. See ya there!!!

-Axl & Vince

Loutallica, or whatever the heck they’re calling the Metallica/Lou Reed collaboration, have unveiled the album art for their forthcoming release, Lulu. And based on the e-mails we’ve been getting from you peeps, you all think it’s terrible.

Truth is, I don’t really think it’s that bad. It’s obviously a little heavy handed with regards to the album’s lyrical themes, but it’s not as though the covers of Ride the Lightning and Master of Puppets were so subtle or anything.  It looks like something that would have come out on Sub Pop in the 90s is all. I mean, if I saw it on a display at the Virgin Megastore (R.I.P.) circa ’96, I probably would have thought “Hm, wonder what that is?”, and then never bothered to find out.

But I think the sooner everyone gets it into their heads that this album is most likely not going to sound very metal, the less disappointed they will be with the final result. By which I mean, we should all feel disappointed because it sucks in general, not because it’s not metal.

Lulu comes out November 1 on Warner Bros. My kidding aside… wouldn’t it be awesome if it were good? It would be so awesome.

-AR

I don’t know why he this dude, who calls himself “Eddini” (like “Houdini,” only amalgamated with what I suspect is his real name, Eddie), doesn’t put on “The House That Jack Built” — that always puts me right to bed. But I guess folks appreciate his efforts anyway, ’cause this his tenth video.

ANYWAY, you obviously don’t have to watch all fifteen fucking minutes of this, but you should probably watch at least through the :22 mark, when he takes a swing of Sprite (’cause nothing makes you go to sleep faster than sugar) and then, for no apparent reason, talks about his ‘Tallica tee.

And the real punchline? He’s a Jesus freak! A comment he left below the video reads, “Thanks for all your warm and kind responces it’s what keeps me going YOU, and the Lord.” As long as you have God and YouTube subscribers, you can get through anything!!!

-AR

Thanks to the reader who sent this to me whose original e-mail I can no longer find in order to credit him or her by name.

In 2006, Kerrang! celebrated the twentieth anniversary of Metallica’s Master of Puppets by releasing Remastered, a re-recording of the entire album with each song performed by a different band (Machine Head did “Battery,” Trivium did the title track, Mastodon did “Orion,” etc.). I don’t actually remember that release very well, but the only track that remains in my in iTunes library is Chimaira’s cover of “Disposable Heroes,” so, uh, yeah, I guess I didn’t like it very much.

ANYWAY, I mention it because now apparently Metal Hammer is doing more or less the same thing in celebration of the twentieth anniversary of The Black Album, which made many of us feel ready for the retirement home earlier this month. I have no idea if this will be more or less cool than the Remastered thinger; frankly, a lot of the bands on the comp are ones with whom I am not currently familiar (Motorjesus?) or don’t like (Neaera). But Metal Hammer has released samples of three of the tracks, so you want to start passing judgment early.

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Slayer now sell condoms in their webstore — “For when you’re going South of Heaven.” Seriously.

They come in packs of three or six; a three pack of Durex condoms with no Slayer logo on it will run you about two bucks, so, of course, a three pack of Durex condoms with a Slayer logo will cost you about thirteen bucks. Makes sense. Like charging twice as much for Monopoly because Metallica’s logo is on it.

And it’s worth noting that, unlike Kiss Kondoms, the band’s logo/likeness/whatever isn’t on the condom itself — so you’re literally paying more than six times what the things usually go for just to have the band’s emblem on the package you’re going to open (very likely in the dark, where you can’t see it too well anyway) and then discard.

So. Fucking. Lame.

-AR

[Via Metal Insider, who came up with a pretty joke about menstruation, too!]

Alex Winter is best known to metal fans as the guy from the Bill & Ted movies who isn’t Keanu Reeves, but for the past twenty years, he’s actually been maintaing a successful career as a director; he’s helmed some not-very-well-known indie movies, like the cult comedy Freaked and the psychological thriller Fever, but also lots of television, including episodes of Jimmy Kimmel Live! and two of the Ben 10 T.V. movies (which, if you have kids, you may be familiar with). And in 2002, he acquired the life rights to Napster co-founder Shawn Fanning, and announced plans to write and direct a feature film about Napster. Unfortunately, The Social Network kinda-sorta beat him to the punch last year — even though that film wasn’t really about Napster, it now seems clear that Justin Timerberlake’s portrayal of a Napster’s other co-founder, Sean Parker, is going to stick in audiences’ minds for some time to come.

But Winter isn’t giving up on the story just yet! He’s gotten VH1 to finance a documentary on the topic. And before you think “Oh, well, so it will be some shitty, low-budget Behind the Music affair,” remember that VH1 also backed a little documentary called Anvil: The Story of Anvil.

Winter tells Deadline why he finds this whole Napster debacle so fascinating:

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According to the NY Post — The Fox News of NYC daily newspapers — a Bronx business group is worried that riots in the streets will accompany next month’s Big Snore show at Yankee Stadium. Cary Goodman, Executive Director of the 161st Street Business Improvement District, cited riots that occurred last year when would-be heavy metal concertgoers were shut out of sold-out performances in Colombia and Chile. Because the Bronx is totally just like Colombia and Chile.

Dear Mr. Goodman: cut it out with your blatant stereotypes. The only people who really care about this show and have $200 to burn are 40 and 50 year-old men from Ronkonkoma and Piscataway, not exactly the type to riot. Also: have you met Yankees fans? I’d way rather run into a metalhead in an alley than a drunk, lunk-headed, mongoloid Yankees fan. I rest my case.

Let’s give credit where credit’s due, though: at least author Candice M. Giove did enough research to make a clever Metallica-related pun to open the article.

-VN

Thanks: Metal Mykee

Metallica and Lou Reed have announced a November 1 release date for their collaborative album, which we now know to be titled Lulu. The album was apparently inspired by Marjorie Henderson Buell’s 1930s comic strip, Little Lulu, as well as the animated television series and films that the strip inspi–

Oh, wait. That’s not right at all. Here’s what actually inspired the album, according to a statement on the collaboration’s official website:

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via Badass

Reading the comments under our announcement of The Metal Suckfest has been a lot of fun — mostly because the predictions regarding which other bands will be on the bill have been so very, very wrong. Hopefully we’ll get to announce a few more bands next week, but in the meantime, you cats need to try harder and be a little more imaginative when speculating.

And while you do that, here’s how we kept ourselves amused this week:

• We debuted new music by Today is the Day, Monstro, and, thanks to our friends at Decibel, Skeletonwitch.
• We also debuted a new video by Venia.
• Intronaut’s Sacha Dunable and Borknagar’s Jens Ryland both weighed in on the Century Media/Spotify drama.
• We spoke to Chimaira’s Mark Hunter, Dead Letter Circus’ Kim Benzie, Trapped Under Ice’s Justice Tripp, and three of the dudes from Fleshgod Apocalypse.
• We checked out the latest release from Wizard Smoke.
• We examined the evolution of deathcore.
• We felt bad for the sixteen year old who just got fired from Design the Skyline.
• We got excited about the Black Sabbath reunion, until we found out that it’s not confirmed yet.
• We carefully examined the first promo photo of Metallica with Lou Reed.
• We continued to count down  31 Days of Faith No More.

Until next week… eat your vegetables, stay in school, don’t drink and drive.

-AR

The official website for the upcoming Metallica/Lou Reed collaboration has launched, although right now there is absolutely nothing of interest there save for this picture of the old bass player for Suicidal Tendencies and four terminal cancer patients.

Still, I thought you might wanna know that the project is moving forward; presumably the next step is either to release some actual music, or a photo of Trujillo with a bunch of burn victims.

-AR

Last week, a shitty translation of a news story from a French website told us that Gojira told them that Rick Rubin was producing the band’s new album. We’ve been trying to get confirmation to no avail, but now another shitty translation of another news story from another French website tells us that Gojira told them that Rubin isn’t the producer — Greg Fidelman is.

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Once upon a time, there was a band called Metallica, and they made music that sounded like this:

Then they decided to work with the guy who produced this:

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30 Minutes or Less is an action comedy about a pair of redneck buffoon assholes, played by Danny McBride and Nick Swardson, who strap a bomb to the chest of a pizza boy, played by Danny Eisenberg, and force him a rob a bank on their behalf, lest he be blown up. (The pizza boy’s best friend, played by Aziz Ansari, is also there for some reason.) And while I have no idea if the movie will be good or bad, I do know that McBride’s villainous character wears metal band shirts in every scene.

Now, maybe my reaction to this costuming decision should be “Awesome! More exposure for Napalm Death!” (Fuck Metallica. They obviously need more exposure like the dude from Asking Alexandria needs another beer.) Or maybe it should be “It’s just a dumb movie, and you can barely see the shirt anyway.” Or maybe it should be “You make your living from a website called MetalSucks, idiot. Get over yourself.” Those would all be fair reactions, I think.

Of course, none of those are the reactions I had.

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No. No he is not.

Mustaine’s latest declaration sure to elicit responses only of “Okay, sssssuuurrre, Dave, whatever you say,” from all rational people was delivered to a Dallas Radio station earlier this week:

“I’ve talked to Lars and James about me and David [Ellefson] doing a supergroup record with Lars and James. Well, James said ‘no,’ but it’s still kind of out there in the air. I’m gonna keep hammering on him. It’s on my bucket list.”

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The bad news is that The PreZcotts, a group I have never heard of before and hope to forget within fifteen minutes of publishing this post, have not only recorded a truly horrendous cover of Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters,” but they’ve made a video for it, too, and someone thought it was a good idea for that video to be partially in black and white and partially in exaggerated pastel colors. Because that aesthetic certainly cemented Color Me Badd’s place in music history.

The good news — besides the fact that at least they didn’t cover “Unforgiven II” or “Unforgiven III,” I mean — is that Yuto Miyazawa, the adorable Japanese tyke who has already made a name for himself playing with Ozzy Osbourne, plays the guitar solo on the cover, and he didn’t just do a note-for-note impersonation of Kirk Hammett. So that’s neat.

Either Metallica or one of their handlers liked this enough to post it on the band’s YouTube channel, which just goes to prove what I’ve always said: Metallica loves little girls.

And here’s a lil’ bonus for ya:

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