MetalSucks

A reader known only as “Jonas” sent us the below video of 55 Escape, a Norwegian band whose biggest influences seem to be Korn and Linkin Park, not Enslaved and Immortal.

Here’s why I find this band kind of interesting. (And moving forward, please be aware that “interesting” and “good” are not the same word.) When you think about it for a second, nu-metal seems to be a predominantly American phenomenon. Off the top of my head, I’m having a hard time even naming a nu-metal band from any part of Europe, never mind Norway. Jeff Killed John were British, but they didn’t get famous ’til they swapped the nu for core and rechristened themselves Bullet for My Valentine. Am I forgetting a really, really obvious band? Korn, Limp Bizkit, Linkin Park, Disturbed, Godsmack, Evanescence, Staind, Static-X, Creed, Hed P.E., Snot, P.O.D., Puddle of Mudd, Drowning Pool, Saliva, Coal Chamber, Methods of Mayhem, 40 Below Summer, Sevendust, Ill Nino, Dope, Papa Roach, Soil, The Union Undergound… ALL AMERICAN. What the hell? No wonder the terrorists hate us.

Anyway, thanks to these sperm clots for doing their part in making America look good. Hoo-rah.

-AR

Dane Cook, a comedian so devastatingly untalented that he makes terminal cancer look funny by comparison, is collaborating with Tommy Lee, the modern era’s single best argument for using a condom. The two have recorded a track for a new Cook album (I didn’t know there was an old Cook album, but only because I don’t hate myself), and Cook describes the song as  “a little bit in the Jack Johnson vein, a little bit funky, a little jazzy.”

Of course, both Nostradamus and the Mayans predicted such a team-up when they foretold of the apocalypse, and I’d heard that the twist to the upcoming end-of-the-world thriller 2012 was that all the destruction is caused by a Cook-Lee song that’s a little bit in the Jack Johnson vein.

But I thought we had more time. I thought we had more time, damn it!

I won’t be able to do any more posting today. I have to go say farewell to my loved ones, and hopefully get laid one last time, before our world is destroyed forever. Damn you, Cook and Lee! GOD DAMN YOU STRAIGHT TO HELL!!!

-AR

Earlier this week Earache Records was the subject of an extremely long-winded rant about the state of the metal industry. Now it’s Roadrunner’s turn.

First we get a press release announcing that Roadrunner has signed heavy rock band Hail the Villain. MS reader “Shit Sandwich” alerted us that the label also recently signed indie rockers The Jakes. Then comes the latest fracas involving Rob Zombie suddenly pushing back the release of Hellbilly Deluxe 2 saying “everything was turning into a chaotic mess” which was actually code for “I’m jumping ship to Roadrunner.” Methods of Mayhem… let’s not even go there. And the label is touting Ratt’s new record as one of its flagship releases for early 2010. I mean, I LOVES me some Ratt, but seriously?

All this following the dismissal of long-tenured A&R man Mike Gitter a few months back. Gitter brought Killswitch Engage, Opeth, Megadeth and many others onto the Roadrunner roster.

What the?!?

Click to read more…

Industry guru Bob Lefsetz, in one of his typically off-topic rants — in this case, a lengthy story about getting his ass checked for colon cancer (yes, really) — managed to sneak in this gem of insight about Tommy Lee:

And then they’re running late [at the doctor's office].  Which gives me enough time to read “Fortune” and find out that Tommy Lee is letting the public record his album.  Enough with the gimmicks Tommy, NO ONE WANTS YOUR ALBUM!  Yup, he records drums and vocals, you create the music and he owns it.  Huh?  Why does everybody keep paying attention to Mr. Lee.  He’s a DRUMMER!  He should be thankful that people still want to see him in Motley Crue.

I mean, right? Can we all please get a big, rousing “WHAT THE FUCK???” for Tommy Lee? Why do we even waste our breath talking about the guy? Let’s all collectively agree to stop buying into Tommy’s shenanigans and just ignore the damn guy.

But then again… the new American populace Methods of Mayhem is probably gonna give us tons of material here. Nevermind.

-VN

DUDE. Okay, seriously. What the fuck is going on this week? First Tommy Lee announces he’s reforming Methods of Mayhem, and now Vince Neil has announced he’s making another solo album (And, no, Steve Stevens won’t be on it – I checked.). What’s next? Is Nikki Sixx gonna make another Sixx A.M. album?

Wait – WHAT?!

Well fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck. It’s enough to make you want Motley Crue to keep touring.

-AR

P.S. Okay, but seriously, I’d love to see a Mick Mars side project called Mars Attacks!, and I’d love for its debut album to be entitled Creepy Human Statue. I’d give that album an automatic five out five horns.

YEEEEEEAAAAAHHHH BOYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY. Check it. Tizommy Lizee is bringing back Methods of Mayhem for real, yo. It’s been too long, playa. When’d the last MOM disc drop? Like ‘01, ‘02? Yooooo, that shit was HOT, son. “Get, g-get naked!” Peeps been waitin’ for a new MOM album like it was a free bj n’ shit. Tommy Lee! Givin’ da people what dey want! YEEEEEAAAHHHH BOYYYYYYY! Get down wit this shit, muthfucka!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yo, I gots to go find TiLo. Peace out, homie.

-AR