Justin Hawkins from The Darkness turned up in a Super Bowl ad for one of those not-an-iPhones last night, which I guess means that The Darkness really are back, which I guess means fuck my life. Although if using an imitator of a superior artist to sell an imitator of a superior product was some producer’s idea of symbolism, well, mission accomplished, I guess.

Meanwhile, it turns out the ad was directed by Bobby Farrelly, one half of The Farrelly Brothers, the writer/director team that made Dumb & Dumber, Kingpin, and There’s Something About Mary in the 90s, and Shallow Hal, the remake of The Heartbreak Kid, and Hall Pass in the aughties. I’m just telling you so you’ll understand why the commercial isn’t funny.

Meanwhile, it turns out that the Mötley Crüe/Kia Superbowl ad was also directed by a filmmaker of some note — Noam Murro, who is helming the sequel to 300, and was briefly attached to A Good Day to Die Hard, a.k.a. Die Hard 5.

See? If you didn’t have me around, who would tell you all this useless bullshit you don’t actually care about?

-AR

[via /Film]

As someone who does not give the slightest of craps about sports, I still used to watch the Superbowl every year, for the same reasons everyone watches the Superbowl every year: you go to a big party, get drunk, and see some cool commercials.

But now I don’t even bother with that anymore; I can get drunk anywhere regardless of whether or not there’s a football game on, and the commercials are all posted online either after or, in some odd cases, before the big game.

For example, Kia’s new commercial, which appeals to the basest instincts of 40-something year-old men by associating their product with sex, speed, power, food, phallic symbols, and Mötley Crüe, who, come to think of it, personify all of those things anyway. Yes, even food.

Check out the commerical below:

-AR

Thanks: Saul Hudson

It’s funny. It seems like whenever I’m lukewarm on a blockbuster act, there comes along a different band that does their thing in a deeper, less entry-level way. Example: When I heard At The Drive-In’s Relationship Of Command, I felt like that energy was what Rage Against The Machine had been driving at. Same for Minus’s Jesus Christ Bobby and Converge. Or here’s an obvious one: Lacuna Coil and Evanescence.

Likewise, Blessed By A Broken Heart’s 2009 album Pedal To The Metal is what I’d hoped for from Avenged Sevenfold: A reformed metalcore band’s full-bore arena jamz no fucks given. Blessed, their name a vestige of their frowny past, still rocks the occasional breakdown, but mostly new album Feel The Power (out today) grafts high-level riffing to the sugary vibe of Journey and the pro-party platform of Andrew WK, like a perkier, shred-based Lostprophets for Christ. I phoned up singer Tony Gambino to talk all about Power, the mental stamina it takes to endure tr00 metal attitude, partying, the ’80s, and their rift with Century Media.

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“Hey Nikki? You’re on with Vince Neilstein.”

The above line was actually uttered by someone on Motley Crue’s management/label/PR team when they connected me with Nikki Sixx for an interview this past Friday. PR girl chuckled at the absurdity of the moment while I became flush with embarrassment, and I’m pretty sure Nikki didn’t notice / didn’t care / was too confused to say anything back. And so began my 10-minute chat with Sixx about the Crue’s upcoming Las Vegas residency, the forthcoming Sixx A.M. acoustic album (now streaming here), Nikki’s in-the-works new books, and Rod Stewart.

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Following last month’s leak in in the Las Vegas Sun and a series of clues posted by the band just this week — including one here on MetalSucks yesterday — yesterday evening, Mötley Crüe confirmed on CNN’s Piers Morgan Tonight that they’ll do a residency at the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas this February. Called ”Mötley Crüe in Sin City,” the twelve shows will take place between February 3rd and February 19th.

And you know what? For all the shit I give the Crüe, Vince and I had great time seeing them live this past summer… dudes still know how to put on a show, and Vegas seems like a venue which was pretty much designed specifically for Mötley. So I imagine these shows will be a blast.

Tickets go on sale Saturday, or you can get in on the pre-sale right now using the password “SIN13.” The prices are actually not at all terrible by Vegas standards, too.

-AR

Motley Crue have been giving clues all week and will be making an announcement on tonight’s (Thursday’s) episode of Piers Morgan Tonight on CNN, with more information to be revealed on tomorrow’s show. Piers Morgan Tonight airs at 9PM Eastern / 6PM Pacific.

MetalSucks can exclusively reveal the fourth clue, above. What could the big announcement be???

Robin Leach — yes, that Robin Leach — reports in the Las Vegas Sun that Mötley Crüe “will play a nearly monthlong series of three- and four-night concerts a week” at the Hard Rock Hotel in Vegas… I’m assuming at The Joint, that hotel and casino’s own 4,000-person-capacity venue. The news has yet to be confirmed by any representatives from the Hard Rock or The Crüe, but it seems plausible.

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…Max Cavalera recently revealed during a radio interview (video above) that he’s working on his autobiography with British journalist Joel McIver, who has previously penned such metal-themed tomes as The Bloody Reign of Slayer and Justice for All: The Truth about Metallica. The forward will apparently be written by Dave Grohl, who collaborated with Cavalera as part of his Probot project back in ’04.

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Interview and live pics by Emily Eve; girls on stage pic by Friedia Niimura

In one sense, making records is like using the toilet: It takes more to do number two than number one. And in the case of L.A. heavy metal semi-parodists Steel Panther, a follow-up to their wildly funny and compulsively banging 2009 debut Feel The Steel is an even bigger, stinkier challenge: This time, fans can see them coming, um so to speak. But in the spotlight’s glare, before expectant ears and faces poised to smile, lead singer Michael Starr and crew deliver a bigger, dirtier, and awesomer mass of heavy metal hilarity called Balls Out (available Tuesday). The 14-track tour de farce covers 47 amazing minutes, a range of hot-button rocker issues (drugs, gender roles, boners), and a load of singalong mega-choruses and nip-scorching guitar solos unheard since pro tools was just an aisle at Sears. To those somehow able to resist Feel The Steel, I say: You’re fucked now. Balls Out is stronger than you and your feeble protestations. Crank. It. Up.

This feat of skill and cocksmanship on display in Balls Out begs for investigation, so last week I went to hear firsthand how Steel Panther achieved the equivalent of making a Ghostbusters II better than its Ghostbusters I. And though it was a rainy, gusty Autumn night, the huge Steel Panther dressing room was buzzing heatedly as I sat down with Starr and lead bass player Lexxi Foxxx to get answers. Just nearby were lead guitarist Satchel (at whom I gazed lovingly whenever his inattention allowed) and lead drummer Stix Zadinia (with entourage) as the three of us gabbed highly about Balls Out, drugs, vaginas, immaturity, maturity, the guy from Nickelback, shaving stuff, the responsibilities of being Steel Panther, and much more.

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Remember Motley Crue’s The Dirt? Of course you do, it’s like the single greatest thing ever written by anyone anywhere in the history of writing or even conveying stories via grunts and finger painting on cave walls. And Neil Strauss, the guy who put it together, clearly understands storytelling as an art form; for one of the cardinal rules of telling a story is “Grab your reader right from the start,” and Strauss certainly accomplished that. Here’s the entire first paragraph of The Dirt, told from the point of view of Vince Neil:

“Her name was Bullwinkle. We called her that because she had a face like a moose. But Tommy, even though he could get any girl he wanted on the Sunset Strip, would not break up with her. He loved her and wanted to marry her, he kept telling us, because she could spray her cum across the room.”

BRILLIANT. A++++ WDBWA. In just four sentences, Strauss has pretty much assured that you will read the rest of The Dirt. This paragraph has sex, it has humor, it makes immediate reference to other members of Motley Crue, and it offers a “Psst! Wanna hear some gossip?” tone that allows the reader to feel secure that he or she did not waste his or her money. No wonder this thing was such a high seller.

Now, let’s contrast this with the opening paragraph of It’s So Easy and Other Lies, Duff McKagan’s new autobiography, the first eighty pages of which are now available for free download here:

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If the memory of a Steel Panther super-fan’s Labor Day weekend could be screened like a movie, viewers would see blurry and jumpy frames depicting 72 hours of falling off stuff, packing stuff into mouths/noses, cheering the topless, cock-blocking the beta beardos, debating police, barfing, dodging streams of barf, and rebounding from tragic drug spills. Oh and I bet there’d be plenty of ballz: your ballz, my ballz, fire ballz, 8 ballz, hair ballz, Nepalese Temple ballz, malted milk ballz, etc. But now, let’s get caught up on some exciting heavy metal ballz, Steel Panther’s forthcoming album Balls Out!

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Partway through the first song of the Motley Crue concert Vince and I attended last month, I turned to another friend who was with us and asked, “What the fucking fuck is Vince Neil saying?” To which he replied in the only logical way — with a shrug.

That Neil can’t sing so good anymore (if he could ever sing so good) isn’t news; he’s notorious for being fat and easily winded, and for dealing with that lack of breath by just slurring lyrics together so it kinda-sorta-but-not-really sounds like the song he’s performing. (For example, if they lyrics are “He’s the one they call Dr. Feelgood/He’s the one that makes ya feel alright,” Neil might mumble “HesthecallFeelgood/Hesthealrye.”) Still, it’s depressing to think that Anna Graceman, and eleven year old girl who happens to look like Neil if Neil were 800 pounds lighter and three feet taller, did a better job singing “Home Sweet Home” on last night’s episode of America’s Got Talent than Neil has done since, I dunno, probably 1986 or so. Metal Insider points out that Graceman “was born the year the Crue’s New Tattoo came out,” which means that she, like the general public, does not remember when New Tattoo came out, or probably even what New Tattoo is.

-AR

Man, I really, really hope that some day, some Korean animators see fit to make a short about MetalSucks. And that it is one-eighth as awesome as the above video.

ANYWAY, here’s how we kept ourselves entertained this week:

• We debuted new music by Revocation, White Arms of Athena, Goreaphobia, and Sixx A.M.
• We did not debut, but got really excited about, new music from Mastodon and Opeth.
• Unearth’s Ken Susi and Dethklok’s Brendon Small told us all about their live rigs. BONUS: Brendon Small also gave us the skinny on his new solo album!
• We spoke to All Shall Perish’s Fracesco Artusato and Kaoru and Die from Dir En Grey.
• We checked out the latest releases from All Pigs Must Die and Axel Rudi Pell.
• We were easily able to come up with twenty-five things we’d rather do than listen to the new Five Finger Death Punch song.
• We tried to figure out which label will snag Gojira.
• Gary Suarez urged metalheads to cut the shit and stop supporting Burzum.
• Sergeant D. wondered if breakdowns are the new guitar solos.
• Corey Mitchell discussed his ten favorite albums of the year thus far.

1) Be nicer to Sebastian Bach
2) Compare penis sizes with Tommy Lee
3) Hire Phil LaBonte as a vocal coach
4) Hire Billy Milano as a personal trainer
5) Hire Tripp Eisen as a baby sitter
6) Sleep with present-day Tawny Kitaen
7) Help Danzig clean up his motherfucking bricks, bitch
8) Listen to Ted Nugent talk about politics
9) Listen to Ted Nugent talk about romance
10) Listen to Ted Nugent talk about Ted Nugent

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Let us not speak too poorly of the legandary: Axl and Vince saw Motley Crue in Long Island the other night and had a helluva time. The Crue still know how to put on a highly entertaining live show, even if Tommy Lee’s ridiculously awesome drum rollercoaster was punctuated by cringe-inducing shouts of “yeeeeahh, bitch!” And there’s no denying the staying power of Motley Crue’s immense catalog.

But when it comes to actual new music, there’s no question that Sixx A.M.’s recent output easily bests that of the Crue. Debut album The Heroin Diaries was a rock-opera-ish affair that was one of the best hard rock albums of 2007, if not the decade; while this year’s follow-up This Is Gonna Hurt doesn’t pack quite the same punch it’s still a really good listen that’s several orders of magnitude better than the Crue-trying-to-sound-like-Crue attempt of “Saints of Los Angeles.” Anything Nikki Sixx writes with his Sixx A.M. partners James Michael and DJ Ashba these days is heads and shoulders above what he writes with Neil, Mars and Lee, whatever the reason may be.

Sixx A.M.’s collective songwriting is so solid that even the acoustic version of “Lies of the Beautiful People” rocks hard. Check out the world premiere below.

I am old and married to a kindergarten teacher, therefore, I can only go to concerts during the sweltering months of summer.

This is my summer vacation (Part II).

WHO: ECOCIDE, KEN mode, DEAFHEAVEN
WHERE: The Ten Eleven – San Antonio, Texas
WHEN: June 10, 2011

After the previous night’s cockrocktravaganza (AKA Mötley Crüe), I needed something to get me grounded again. Nothing like a solo trip to a seedy bar in the seedier side of San Antonio to check out two seedy-ass noisy bands which have graced my Bleeders’ Digest lists this year. I dug both KEN mode’s Venerable and Deafheaven’s Roads to Judah, but the definitive nod must be given to the former for sheer testicle obliteration. As a result, I was stoked to catch Deafheaven first, followed by KEN mode. Weird line-up as the former tends to fall into the USBM category while the latter can best be pitted in the Quicksand and Poison The Well’s sandboxes.

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Vince and I are going to see the Mötley Crüe /Poison/New York Dolls tour tonight, and, yes, we are excited. And while it briefly seemed as though this would be a magically drama-free tour after Nikki Sixx allegedly apologized for some not-very-nice things he and at least one of his bandmates (Tommy Lee) said about Poison, it’s become increasingly clear that Nikki either didn’t apologize, or didn’t want that apology made public. In any case, he has continued to smack-talk Poison at every opportunity, which, of course, makes us drama queens at MetalSucks very happy.

But the really wacky thing about Nikki’s insults against Bret Michaels and company — and I’ve been saying this since November, when word of the tour first got out — is that Nikki seems to be operating under the impression that Mötley Crüe never dressed like this…

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I am old and married to a kindergarten teacher, therefore, I can only go to concerts during the sweltering months of summer.

This is my summer vacation (Part I).

WHO:MÖTLEY CRÜE, POISON & NEW YORK DOLLS
WHERE: AT&T Center — San Antonio, Texas
WHEN: June 9, 2011

I can’t say I was too excited to check out this bill. I did give Mötley Crüe a solid review for their 2008 Crüefest that scooted into the now-defunct Verizon Wireless Amphitheater under the scornful eye of a vicious summer storm, despite the fact Buckcherry, Sixx A.M., and Trapt opened up for them. This time around, I can’t say their choice for major support would cause me to sport a woody. I mean, c’mon… Poison? 4srslz?

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The Nikki Sixx v. Poison battle has gone to such ridiculous heights I’m starting to think Nikki and Bret Michaels are in cahoots and had this whole thing planned out from the very beginning. It’s certainly gotten them a ton of press, right? Who am I kidding… let’s not give either of these dunderheads too much credit for doing anything other than writing good songs 20 years ago.

There’s been so much yammering back and forth since the Motley / Poison tour was announced this Spring that I honestly can’t keep track of who said what anymore. But in the latest tidbit Nikki once again slams Poison as a second-place contender for this tour (emphasis added):

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I LOLd for an hour straight on Tuesday cuz my Twitter was blowing up with metal people’s reactions to the Casey Anthony verdict (announced around 4PM EDT). It’s a serious situation, so dudes are mad and lending their two cents. That’s natural. But man, some people think dumb. Actually, know what? I’m just gonna c+p some metal celebrity tweets below. Remember, most of the following mini-declarations are wrought in awful logic, but not everybody on the internet is ignorant and high-horsing this shit to death. Um yeah just go ahead and keep reading and oooh the suspense…

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