MetalSucks

In no particular order…

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Dane Cook, a comedian so devastatingly untalented that he makes terminal cancer look funny by comparison, is collaborating with Tommy Lee, the modern era’s single best argument for using a condom. The two have recorded a track for a new Cook album (I didn’t know there was an old Cook album, but only because I don’t hate myself), and Cook describes the song as  “a little bit in the Jack Johnson vein, a little bit funky, a little jazzy.”

Of course, both Nostradamus and the Mayans predicted such a team-up when they foretold of the apocalypse, and I’d heard that the twist to the upcoming end-of-the-world thriller 2012 was that all the destruction is caused by a Cook-Lee song that’s a little bit in the Jack Johnson vein.

But I thought we had more time. I thought we had more time, damn it!

I won’t be able to do any more posting today. I have to go say farewell to my loved ones, and hopefully get laid one last time, before our world is destroyed forever. Damn you, Cook and Lee! GOD DAMN YOU STRAIGHT TO HELL!!!

-AR

Remember when I posted Enuff Z’Nuff’s awesomely terrible video for “Fly High Michelle” back in September? Well, in case you don’t or just need to re-live the glory, here’s the clip again:

Amazing, right? I mean “amazing” in the sense that “Holy poop I cannot believe anyone ever thought that this was an okay idea,” not in the “GOJIRA LIVE!!!” sense.

ANYWAY, I mention it because Bring Back Glam reports that fans – assuming this band still has any – can now “purchase a royalty earning share… of either ‘Baby Loves You’ [another Enuff Z'Nuff song] or ‘Fly High Michelle.’”

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I know exactly two people who will be really really excited that Vince Neil is working on a new solo album: me and Axl. Woot woot!

Some time in 1993 Axl dubbed me a tape; on one side was Living Colour’s Stain, and on the other side Vince Neil’s first solo record Exposed. My life was changed forever. While my namesake hasn’t managed to hold onto much any credibility in the years since, Exposed still holds up thanks in no small part to the guitar wizardry of the indomitable Steve “Jew from the Bronx changed my name to be a rockstar” Stevens.

While I’m not sure who’s even in Neil’s solo band at the moment (Keri Kelli?) I’m certain it isn’t Stevens, making this record circumspect from the getgo. Not that there aren’t other good guitar players out there but let’s face it, Neil’s a complete hack who definitely needs song written for him ala Ozzy, nahmean? So let’s (as in me and Axl) just agree to be cautiously optimistic about this one.

Here’s Neil w/ Stevens performing “Look In Her Eyes” in Chicago in 1993.

-VN

Industry guru Bob Lefsetz, in one of his typically off-topic rants — in this case, a lengthy story about getting his ass checked for colon cancer (yes, really) — managed to sneak in this gem of insight about Tommy Lee:

And then they’re running late [at the doctor's office].  Which gives me enough time to read “Fortune” and find out that Tommy Lee is letting the public record his album.  Enough with the gimmicks Tommy, NO ONE WANTS YOUR ALBUM!  Yup, he records drums and vocals, you create the music and he owns it.  Huh?  Why does everybody keep paying attention to Mr. Lee.  He’s a DRUMMER!  He should be thankful that people still want to see him in Motley Crue.

I mean, right? Can we all please get a big, rousing “WHAT THE FUCK???” for Tommy Lee? Why do we even waste our breath talking about the guy? Let’s all collectively agree to stop buying into Tommy’s shenanigans and just ignore the damn guy.

But then again… the new American populace Methods of Mayhem is probably gonna give us tons of material here. Nevermind.

-VN

You know when you know you’ve got too many greatest hits albums? When more than one of them are called Greatest Hits.

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He would have been 69 years old today.

I did an informal poll on Twitter to find good metal covers of Beatles songs, and while a number of people made creative suggestions and a lot of people were all into Beatallica n’ shit, the general consensus seemed to be that Motley Crue’s version of “Helter Skelter” still reigns supreme. So without further adieu…

Feel free to discuss your own favorite metal versions of songs originally by The Beatles below.

-AR

Some things never change, like Vince Neil getting winded and letting the audience the sing all the words, or Tommy Lee sounding like a complete idiot every time he opens his mouth. But some things do change, and this era of Motley Crue absolutely smokes the modern incarnation in the live setting. Tommy Lee is in top shape rockin’ the double bass behind the kit, Mick Mars can actually move, Nikki Sixx somehow manages to run around in high heels (credit where it’s due!) and my namesake surprisingly doesn’t sound half-bad when he is singing. I would’ve loved to have been 18 in 1983 and seen Motley Crue in their prime. Thanks to MetalSucks Maniac Shane Gillis for sending in this gem.

-VN

This is a story about a band I don’t care about getting involved in some drama with a band I haven’t cared about in at least fifteen years. But it’s still kinda amusing, so I’m posting it.

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Arresting wild women at a Motley Crue concert is like arresting Mets fans at Shea Stadium.

Arresting wild women at a Motley Crue concert is like arresting fish in the ocean.

Arresting wild women at a Motley Crue concert is like arresting recovering alcoholics at an AA meeting.

Arresting wild women at a Motley Crue concert is like arresting tourists at a Planet Hollywood.

Arresting wild women at a Motley Crue concert is like arresting douche bags who write for MetalSucks.

-AR

This live footage of Morgan Rose filling in for the injured Tommy Lee on drums with Motley Crue this past weekend is really entertaining. I mean, you get to see Vince Neil, who still can’t remember all the words to his own songs / gets winded after about two lines, and that in itself is always funny. And you get to see Mick Mars, who despite his status as the walking dead can still wail out those solos pretty well. But best of all, you get to see Morgan Rose, one of the greatest drummers on the planet in terms of pure, raw talent, rock through a set of songs he hadn’t heard in years for which he had zero time to prepare.

It seems that Tommy Lee burned his hand and couldn’t play. There’s video floating around of Tommy coming out on stage at this show and explaining the situation to the audience; as usual, he sounds like a total idiot. So the band flew out Sevendust’s Morgan Rose from Atlanta last minute, day of the fucking show, to fill in on drums. I know what you’re thinking… Motley songs ain’t too complicated drum-wise and they just play all the hits anyway. VRONG. This is the Dr. Feelgood tour in which the band plays the entire album start to finish, deep cuts and all, plus the usual smattering of greatest hits. Rose comes out and fucking nails it all. I love how in these clips you can see Nikki Sixx communicating with Rose about when the changes happen in the song, or when to end, or when to begin. THAT is fucking pure musicianship that can’t be taught. You either have it or you don’t. And Rose most certainly has it.

Check out “Same ol’ Situation” below and “Dr. Feelgood” after the jump.

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Well, you can’t say that Jim Malone doesn’t have a sense of humor.

After admitting earlier this year that he’s struggled with anorexia, Malone and his band, Arsis, have announced the title of their new album to be Starve for the Devil.

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As a part of goth metal OGs Type O Negative, drummer Johnny Kelley’s talents are often overshadowed by the low end sultriness and antics of bassist/frontman/nude model Peter Steele. But his graceful stickwork has been holding the band together since 1995’s October Rust, and the string of Type O albums that have come out since have stood shoulder to shoulder with the band’s prior material. Along with being Danzig’s drummer, Kelly plays in Seventh Void, a stoner/trad metal outfit with Type O Negative guitarist Kenny Hickey. The latter band released their debut on Vinnie Paul’s Big Vin Records in April. In an interview with MetalSucks, Kelly discusses Type O Negative’s future, working with Glenn Danzig, and his thoughts on modern drummers.

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I’ve been meaning to mention this for a week. But I can already tell it’s gonna be a slow news day, so now seems like a good time to bring it up.

The lovely ladies at Reign in Blonde discovered that McSweeney’s has has a list of Heavy Metal Board Games. They have also added a few suggestions of their own. Here are a few that tickled me:

• Whitesnakes and Ladders
• Motley Clue
• Twister Sister
• Black Scrabbleth
• Crytopoly
• Dio’s and Dragons

Check out the rest of the list here. And, of course, I’m dying to see if y’all can come with s’more.

And if you really are bored, don’t forget that actually is a Heavy Metal Fun Time Activity Book.

-AR

There’s something reassuring about knowing that people one sometimes considers cooler than him or herself were not, in fact, always so cool.

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A few years ago Slayer performed Reign in Blood in its entirety, a year later Metallica did Master of Puppets, and now Exodus are gonna do Bonded by Blood, Judas Priest are doing British Steel, Motley Crue are doing Dr. Feelgood, Ratt are doing Out of the Cellar, Aerosmith are doing Toys in the Attic, Melvins are doing Houdini, etc. What does the MetalSucks Haterade Mafia think; is this trend lame, or is it cool?

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What do Twisted Sister, Great White, Kix, Nelson, Danger Danger and Anthrax all have in common?

They’re all playing this year’s Rocklahoma Festival.

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It was over a year ago that we first got the news that Bret Michaels was writing his autobiography (and by “writing,” I mean dictating to some dude named Shane Stanley who had to do all the actual work); the book, Roses & Thorns (nice title, schmucky), will now finally a get a release on June 23, according to People.com.

Granted, this will not be a good book. The chances that it’s as decent as The Dirt are pretty slim; hell, the chances that it’s as good as Slash are pretty thin (and even Slash was only okay). But, there is a lot of room for comedy here, especially if Michaels takes himself too seriously which, chances are, he will.

Here are things I’m looking forward to reading about in this tome:

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I haven’t watched any of Sam Kinison’s old stand-up in years, so I have no idea how his work holds up – but when I was a younger, I thought he was just about the funniest human being that had ever lived, and when he died, I was really, really upset about it.

I heard recently that HBO is making a TV movie about Kinison’s life – which is why I was thinking about him again – and I suddenly remembered Kinison’s video for his cover of “Wild Thing.”

Today the video seems vastly inferior to Brian Posehn’s “Metal by Numbers,” because a) that song is actually about metal, b) that song isn’t a cover, and c) that song doesn’t have Tommy Lee in its video. But at the time, this clip was the shit – I mean, in addition to the aforementioned Lee, it also features Slash, Billy Idol, Richie Sambora, members of Aerosmith and Ratt, and Jessica Hahn’s tits.

-AR