I know we give Bret Michaels a lot of shit around here, and rightfully so. But I actually do think he deserves a big pat on the back for this.

In case you haven’t been following the drama: Nikki Sixx has been saying no band of his would ever tour with Poison since as far back as 2004, and then in November Bret Michaels said that Motley Crue were going to tour with Poison, and then Tommy Lee was all “Oh no we’re not,” and then it turned out the tour was happening anyway, and then Nikki, rather than admit that The Crue are putting aside whatever hatred they have for Poison in order to please the fans/get paid, came out and was like, “Yeah, we’re just doing this tour with New York Dolls,” who will act as support on the bill.

Now, inevitably, Michaels has been asked about all the brewing drama in a recent interview. And he could have started some shit by smack talking Sixx right back, which I certainly would have found entertaining. Or he could have told some bullshit lie like Sixx did, which would have provided me the opportunity to make fun of him some more. But, no, he did something kind of unusual instead: he took the high road and told the truth.

Here are some choice excerpts:

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So this Motley Crue/Poison/New York Dolls tour is really happening, and now Nikki Sixx has to do some backpedalin’, seeing as just a few years ago he declared that no band he’s in “would ever, ever tour with a fucking band like Poison,” because Poison are “fake bullshit.” Thing is, it’s hard to backpedal from a statement as definitive and aggressive as that one. So Nikki probably did the menschy thing and just came right out and said “Yeah, well that was then and this is now and the fans really want this tour and cha-ching!”, right?

Nope. Instead, he went on his radio show (oh yeah, someone gave Nikki a radio show) and said this:

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The newly-announced Poison and Motley Crue US tour is nice, but Sweden pretty much has got the whole sleaze rock thing down properly. There’s Crashdiet, the glam-rock forefathers of Swede sleaze; Reckless Love, who, if they’d been any fluffier, could be substituted for Easter animals; and my personal favorite Hardcore Superstar, who are harder and more thrash/punk than glam.

Crazy Lixx lands smack in the middle of this (and more — the UK is getting in on the sleaze action and the less said about that right now the better). Their songs are basically pop songs performed really loud with a couple extra guitars. Formed in 2002, this four-piece from Malmo, Sweden has so far put out only two albums. The first of which, 2007’s Loud Minority, is nearly impossibly to get. (Luckily, I have a nice Australian friend coming through for me. See, this is why you make friends with other countries. To get music. Worked when I was trying to track down Kvelertak too.)

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Billboard ran a story on Wednesday that seemed to credit Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee as stating that “the film adaptation of the Crue’s 2002 memoir The Dirt: Confessions of the World’s Most Notorious Rock Band … is now on track with Rob Zombie as it’s director. [sic]” It’s odd that this tasty bit of breaking news appeared outside of quotes while every other semi-coherent Lee mumbling was firmly attributed to the Methods of Mayhem frontman (if not represented by accurately punctuated copy). It’s extra odd because Rob Zombie would be such an odd match for The Dirt, unless there’s a new script that includes murderous hillbillies or dick-biting ghouls. And it’s super-mega-odd cuz according to Zombie, it’s untrue. He said as much Thursday on his Twitter:

Why does everyone keep asking if I am directing The Dirt? I am not. I am directing The Lords of Salem. Recording a CD after that.

Why does everyone keep asking Zombie that? Well, I am half-retarded on drugs and even I can answer that one: This rumor has Nikki Sixx’s gooey fingerprints all over it. It sounds dramatic to suggest that Sixx is launching an underhanded public campaign to railroad Zombie into helming this doomed flick, but if you think so that means you’ve forgotten that Sixx views himself as a string-pulling maestro who can bend anyone to his will. And hey I’d suffer from the same delusion if I successfully banged Kat Von D for like months. So, the lesson here is Kat Von D call me and all will see who the real puppetmaster is here.

–ADF

Rob Zombie’s The Lords of Salem is slated to begin shooting this Spring. Motley Crue joins Poison and The New York Dolls on tour kicking off June 7 in Dallas. Full dates here.

Fun fact: I put the Mötley Crüe/Poison/New York Dolls tour date I wanna hit up (I’ve considered it and I’m ready to forgive Vince Neil as long as he promises to remain pathetic) in the calendar on my iPhone, AND THE PHONE AUTOMATICALLY ADDED UMLAUTS. It really is the future, guys. 2001 was just a misprint. I, for one, welcome our new robot overlords.

ANYWAY, I know a lot of you are pretty down on this tour, and I’ll try to keep that in mind when Vince and I are having an amazing time at the show. Actually, I’ll probably be way too coked up to care. Nevvvverrrrr mind.

Here are the dates:

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Bret and Nikki in happier times

Clearly, Motley Crue (or, at least, Nikki Sixx) do not wanna do this tour with Poison. Nikki has been quoted as far back as 2004 as having said that The Crue “would ever, ever tour with a fucking band like Poison,” who he called “fake bullshit.” Even though both bands wore make-up and got by on their image as much as their music, Motley seem to think they’re better than Poison. And there’s a strong argument to be made that they’re correct — they were around when the Poison dudes were still living in Pennsylvania, and their music, although certainly dated, definitely holds up better.

But the fact is, they’re doing this tour with Poison, and now’s the time for them to man up and stop firing shots over the bow. Right?

Wrong.

See, when CNN’s website for Piers Morgan Tonight broke the story (via an interview with Bret Michaels) that the rumored tour was a go, they also ran a press release which distinctly says that the two bands will “co-headline.” But not so, according to Motley Crue’s Facebook page:

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So in November, Bret Michaels said that Poison and Motley Crue were gonna do a big summer tour together, despite the fact that Nikki Sixx once said that there was “No way in fucking hell” that Motley “would ever, ever tour with a fucking band like Poison,” ’cause “That would be the death of us… I will not be attached to that kind of fake bullshit.” And then a couple of days later, Tommy Lee shot down the rumor with an enthusiastic “NO!”

Well, now Michaels has gone on CNN’s Piers Morgan Tonight and announced that Poison and The Crue will, indeed, do a big summer tour together, to celebrate the former band’s 25th anniversary. And just to make extra-sure that Nikki and Tommy now have to eat their words, the tour is going to be called “Glam – A – Gedon 25.”

Now, I’m of two minds about going to this tour:

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Vince Neil was sentenced to all of fifteen days after he was arrested on a DUI charge last year, despite the fact that he has literally killed people under similar circumstances. And while Neil thought his sentence of fifteen days was “harsh,” Las Vegas lawmakers refused to budge, insisting Neil be punished for his wrongdoings despite the fact that he’s a celebrity, and what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

Oh, wait, actually, scratch that last part: according to Metal Insider, Neil was actually released after only serving ten days. Now he’s under house arrest, learning the error of his ways while enjoying what I imagine are all the luxuries that Motley Crue money can buy.

I’m honestly out of things to say about what a farce this whole thing has become. Obviously, Vince Neil is just never going to learn his lesson, while I am going to have to feel guilty for loving Dr. Feelgood for the rest of my life.

How is it that Neil’s behavior makes me feel worse than it does him? More importantly, why is is that Rob Riggle and the fat lady from Magnolia are more astringent enforcers of Vegas law in make believe than the actual Vegas lawmakers whose job it is to keep dudes like Neil off the streets?

-AR

I mean, talk about a snub, right?!?

ANYWAY, tomorrow afternoon, Vince and I will attend the wedding of one of our oldest friends. A guy I have known since I was two years old. The very dude who was by my side the first time I heard Guns N’ Roses. I don’t think he had any idea at the time that I had just headed down a path from which I would never return. He works for a classy magazine now, and wears a suit and tie to work. I do this, and usually do it in boxers and a stinky shirt with some metal band on it.

I don’t have a point or anything. I’m just feeling reflective right now.

And now that I got that out of my system, here’s the rundown of things we did this week:

• We got a tour update from Valient Thorr’s Valient Himself.
• We spoke to Tommy Rogers from Between the Buried and Me, Oppu Laine and Mikko Kotomäki from Barren Earth, Kenn Nardi from Anacrusis, and Mike Riley and Dom Romeo from Pulling Teeth.
• We checked out new releases from As Blood Runs Black, Capsule, and Crucified Mortals and Nunslaughter.
• We checked out the newest lucky band to sign to leading independent music retailer VICTORY RECORDS.
• We made the mistake of following Vinnie Paul onto his tour bus.
• We helped our friends at the Deciblog defend Guns N’ Roses’ Chinese Democracy.
• We listened to the worst dubstep metal bastardization yet.
• We got excited about the new Scar Symmetry album.
• We sent out well wishes to Vince Neil while he’s in prison.
• We read some fan mail.

Okay now I’m gonna go pick up my new suit for tomorrow! WHOO-HOO TO BEIN’ A BIG KID! See you peeps Monday.

-AR

So Revolver are doing their Golden Gods awards for the third year in a row on April 20 in L.A. (read our coverage from previous years here, here, here, and here) and the nominees have been announced.

Now, the first thing you will notice is that the nominees are more or less fairly ridiculous. For example, if these awards are to be believed, than Disturbed’s Dan Donegan is a better guitarist than Misha Mansoor, and Times of Grace (which is really just Killswitch Engage), We Are the Fallen (which is really just Evanescence), and The Damned Things (which is a supergroup) are all new bands.

That being said… I do not get particularly offended by these nominations the way I do with the Grammys. I think that’s because I know there are people who take the Grammys seriously, and think those awards actually mean something, whereas the only people who pay attention to the Golden Gods are already metal fans who either a) know that this is really just an excuse to throw an awesome party and have a big event promoting metal as a genre, or b) are eleven years old.

So check out the noms after the jump, and try not to get your panties in a twist. You should also be aware that Alice Cooper, Duff McKagan, DevilDriver, Asking Alexadria, Volbeat, and Fozzy are all performing, and that Motley Crue are getting the Ronnie James Dio Lifetime Achievement Award. (Their lifetime achievement: still being alive.)

So, about those nominees…

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THE FUCKING BALLS ON VINCE NEIL.

Let’s review the man’s past, shall we?

• In 1984, he was in a drunk driving accident that killed Hanoi Rocks drummer Razzle and severely injured two other people, leaving at least one of them with permanent brain damage. Neil was unharmed. He did thirty days in prison, 200 hours of community service, and paid a couple of million dollars in restitution — in other words, a relative slap on the wrist for the super-rich mega-star that he was at the time.
• In June of 2010, he was arrested in Las Vegas and charged with DUI… again.
• A week later, he was back onstage, joking around about his love of alcohol.
• In December of 2010, he gave a video interview where he was not only clearly inebriated, but he was seen getting behind the wheel of his car with multiple passengers while drunk.
• Last month, he was sentenced to fifteen days in prison for his the June DUI — – in other words, a relative slap on the wrist for the super-rich former mega-star that he is.

So what does Neil think of his punishment? He tells the Las Vegas Sun:

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Andy McCoy, one of the founding members of Hanoi Rocks, wrote a book. In 2008. [Our own Corey Mitchell reviewed it in 2010. - Ed.] I read it pretty recently as it came to me with a bunch of Christmas/Hannukah/New Year’s loot. My family doesn’t celebrate anything, so we basically give each other presents because the year is over. Yeah, I don’t know. We put up a tree, too.

Anyway, I kind of dropped the ball on Andy, and that’s kind of a recurring thing these days, because every once in a while I get caught up on that “having a life thing.” I did finally read it, though, and I quite enjoyed it. To an extent. Now, I love books. Reading = fun times for me. I usually have three or four books I’m juggling and one of them is almost always a music biography. But Sherriff McCoy; Outlaw Legend of Hanoi Rocks goes on the pile of band books that really could’ve used a good edit.

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Round Two of Heavy Metal Blunders brings us, who else? Vince Neil! Yes, the official MS Mansion punching monkey got shipped off to the can last week. At this point, I don’t really care. But I did get a chuckle out of his girlfriend, Alicia Jacobs, who was concerned for her bank account, err… boyfriend. Jacobs claimed Neil was “not eating much other than peanut butter, Doritos and stuff like that. He had a baloney sandwich one day. It’s not optimal conditions.” I wonder what Razzle thinks about dem apples?

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Well, we haven’t done one of these in awhile. Let’s see if any of this shit isn’t shit.

First up is Rotten Sound’s video for “Hollow,” which had its premiere on The Deciblog. Now THIS is a great fucking video. Not only is the song br00tal, but the clip is just… well, I don’t give anything away because I was kinda blindsided by it myself, and I’d like to duplicate that experience for you. So just watch it.

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Even this little kid can’t believe this shit.

Ever since The Deciblog started their weekly “Justify Your Shitty Taste” column — in which writers and musicians attempt to defend the indefensible — we’ve been joking that it was only a matter of time until someone stood up for Celtic Frost’s Cold Lake.

Ladies and germs, that time has arrived.

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Sooo… just thought we’d take this opportunity to remind you yet again that MetalSucks, with a special assist from The Austerity Program’s Justin Foley, will be presenting Heavy Metal Literature Night at at Hank’s Saloon in Brooklyn this Thursday, February 17. Members of God Forbid, Tombs, and, of course, this very website, will be doing readings from from some of metal’s greatest tomes, including Motley Crue’s The Dirt, Led Zeppelin’s Hammer of the Gods, Slash’s Slash, Marilyn Manson’s Long Hard Road Out of Hell, and more — kinda like what Will Forte does in the below video. Only we don’t make one of the biggest bombs of the year and get fired from Saturday Night Live at the end.

And, oh yeah, Vince is DJing!!! Come get st00pid with us. Thursday night. See ya there.

Today really IS the most romantic day of the year — for today is the anniversary of the birth of Vince Neilstein, one half of what is surely the greatest bromance of all time. Vince is the Beavis to my Butt-Head, the Bill to my Ted, the Wayne to my Garth, the, uh… well, you get it!

Vince, I love ya dude. This one’s for you, buddy — a song from the album with the greatest guitar tone of all time…

-AR

Hellyeah have a new video for “Better Man,” a song unreasonable people would probably argue isn’t a power ballad. In the video, the band sits around someone’s house for no apparent reason and plays the song, all while remembering some pseudo-romantic tragic bullshit.

And if all this seems familiar, well, it ought to: sitting around a random house and playing a power ballad while remembering some pseudo-romantic tragic bullshit was one of hair metal’s silliest clichés. Take, for example…

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The above video (which I first saw on Movieline) is of Mad Men star Jon Hamm doing a reading from My Dad Was in ZZ Top, a new book by Conan writer John Glaser. The book uses allegedly “found” documents to tell the secret history of rock n’ roll — Hamm is reading a chapter about the secret origins of the Butthole Surfer’s moniker.

Sadly, Hamm will not be at the MetalSucks sponsored Heavy Metal Literature Night at Hank’s Saloon on Thursday, February 17 — but lotsa other cool people will be! Members of God Forbid, Tombs, and The Austerity Program will all be on hand to do readings from some of metal’s greatest tomes, including Motley Crue’s The Dirt, Led Zeppelin’s Hammer of the Gods, Slash’s Slash, Marilyn Manson’s Long Hard Road Out of Hell, and more; MS’ own masters of mischief, Axl Rosenberg and Vince Neilstein, will also be on hand to read and DJ, respectively.

Oh yeah, and, of course, we plan to get pretty drunk.

Even more details coming next week!!! Get excited!!!

As you are probably well aware, our favorite punching bag, Vince Neil, is heading to the pokey on February 15 for not knowing how to hold his booze and/or drop his car keys. But did you know he is also in trouble for not knowing how to file a 1040 tax form? Seems Vince forgot to mail in those pesky $1.1 million tax dollars last year. Oops!

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