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I love Michael Monroe. I think I’ve made that pretty clear. If you want to see Psychotic Frenzy: The Band, you really need to catch his show. I did… twice.

First up was the Bowery Ballroom in NYC. I’d never been there before, and my first thoughts upon entering were, “Oh God, he’s gonna die.” It’s not a huge venue, but Mr. Monroe is a fucking monkey. I’d seen him with Hanoi Rocks, and he jumps, climbs, leaps, kicks, flies, swings, hangs upside down, and basically bounces off everything, and in this space, I really was kind of nervous.

Bu nothing too terrible happened. I mean, he fell off the stage and head-butted a guy… It was kind of priceless seeing his face go from total panic to acceptance to thud. It was even more priceless seeing his wife look like she was about to have a heart attack from off-stage. But Michael Monroe is nothing if not the consummate showman, and he kept on going, head bleeding and all.

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Vince and I are going to see the Mötley Crüe /Poison/New York Dolls tour tonight, and, yes, we are excited. And while it briefly seemed as though this would be a magically drama-free tour after Nikki Sixx allegedly apologized for some not-very-nice things he and at least one of his bandmates (Tommy Lee) said about Poison, it’s become increasingly clear that Nikki either didn’t apologize, or didn’t want that apology made public. In any case, he has continued to smack-talk Poison at every opportunity, which, of course, makes us drama queens at MetalSucks very happy.

But the really wacky thing about Nikki’s insults against Bret Michaels and company — and I’ve been saying this since November, when word of the tour first got out — is that Nikki seems to be operating under the impression that Mötley Crüe never dressed like this…

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I am old and married to a kindergarten teacher, therefore, I can only go to concerts during the sweltering months of summer.

This is my summer vacation (Part I).

WHO:MÖTLEY CRÜE, POISON & NEW YORK DOLLS
WHERE: AT&T Center — San Antonio, Texas
WHEN: June 9, 2011

I can’t say I was too excited to check out this bill. I did give Mötley Crüe a solid review for their 2008 Crüefest that scooted into the now-defunct Verizon Wireless Amphitheater under the scornful eye of a vicious summer storm, despite the fact Buckcherry, Sixx A.M., and Trapt opened up for them. This time around, I can’t say their choice for major support would cause me to sport a woody. I mean, c’mon… Poison? 4srslz?

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An Open Letter to Mötley Crüe and Poison

Dear Members of Mötley Crüe and Poison,

Okay so look. Vince and I already have our tickets to your big summer tour with the New York Dolls. You have our money. You won that fight. It’s over.

So the least you could do is make the tour fucking entertaining. And, no, I don’t mean by playing “Live Wire” and “Ride the Wind” or whatever. I mean, you’re gonna play those songs, but that’s a given.

No no no no no no no. What we really, really want here is some DRAMA. Some FEUDING between the bands. You’re Mötley Crüe and Poison, fer cryin’ out loud! You chase trends. Star on reality shows. Contract and spread diseases. Release terrible records. This tour is not supposed to be some huge love fest. It’s supposed to be a total shit show.

Which is why I’m really pissed that, thus far, you seem to be getting along. You’re doing talk shows together. And now Bret Michaels says that Nikki Sixx has even apologized for the comments he and other members of The Crüe have made about Poison — y’know, the ones where they called Poison “fake bullshit,” swore that they “would never, ever tour with a fucking band like Poison,” and even yelled at a fan over Twitter for suggesting such a heinous concept. According to Mr. Rock of Love:

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Long-time readers of MetalSucks are fully aware of my lifelong obsession with Mötley Crüe. Okay, it was more like a two-year love affair, at least until I discovered Terry Glaze-fronted Pantera, Metallica, and the English Dogs.

I have ruined any chances of running for public office by openly displaying my dress-up capabilities as both Vince Neil and Nikki Sixx on this wonderful publication. I have reviewed the band’s concerts here, as well as their books (and books, and books).

My pathetic one-sided man crush was shattered on December 8, 1984, when lead singer Vince Neil vehicularly manslaughtered 24-year-old Hanoi Rocks drummer Nicholas “Razzle” Dingley, while driving his Pantera to a liquor store in Redondo Beach, California, to pick up some booze. Interestingly enough, that was the same exact moment the band’s music began to completely suck. Hard.

That brings us to modern day Mötley Crüe and their upcoming co-headlining summer tour with metal stalwarts Poison **hack** and glam rock pioneers the New York Dolls. According to Blabbermouth, Crüe bassist and de facto leader Nikki Sixx claims that the band’s fans “demanded” that they take Poison out on the road. MetalSucks co-head honcho Axl Rosenberg, of course, is much wiser than Sixx gives him credit.

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Did anyone watch Tommy Lee Goes to College when it was on? I didn’t. Yeah, it might have been funny to see the Motley Crue drummer — who I sincerely believe is at least a little bit retarded, in the truest sense of the word — fumble through college and possibly spread hepatitis and chlamydia amongst an entire sorority house. But the premise ultimately wasn’t intriguing enough to get me to tune in. And, honestly, if I was a student (or the parent of a student) at that school and I found out they were letting some dingleberry rock star and a television crew wander around and disrupt shit, I’d probably be pretty pissed.

Now Mr. Lee is getting ready to fuck shit up not just for college students, but for entire cultures. Says Bring Back Glam!:

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The New York Dolls are the OG glam rockers, the gnarliest, the realest, the least bullshitty. Therefore merely invoking their name in any conversation lends instant credibility to your argument. Just last week in Austin, TX, Kip W. was trying to convince me of the superiority of chicken tacos over pork tacos to which I simply said “New York Dolls!” and the conversation was over. Similarly, another metal journalist tried telling me that Between the Buried and Me are wanky instrumentalists with no songwriting ability to which I said “New York Dolls!” and that shut him up right quick. Nikki Sixx knows this tried-and-true method of debate-winning all too well; when he was confronted about going back on his statement that he’d never tour with Poison, all he had to do was point out that the New York Dolls were opening and that shut just about everyone up (except us).

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So this Motley Crue/Poison/New York Dolls tour is really happening, and now Nikki Sixx has to do some backpedalin’, seeing as just a few years ago he declared that no band he’s in “would ever, ever tour with a fucking band like Poison,” because Poison are “fake bullshit.” Thing is, it’s hard to backpedal from a statement as definitive and aggressive as that one. So Nikki probably did the menschy thing and just came right out and said “Yeah, well that was then and this is now and the fans really want this tour and cha-ching!”, right?

Nope. Instead, he went on his radio show (oh yeah, someone gave Nikki a radio show) and said this:

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Fun fact: I put the Mötley Crüe/Poison/New York Dolls tour date I wanna hit up (I’ve considered it and I’m ready to forgive Vince Neil as long as he promises to remain pathetic) in the calendar on my iPhone, AND THE PHONE AUTOMATICALLY ADDED UMLAUTS. It really is the future, guys. 2001 was just a misprint. I, for one, welcome our new robot overlords.

ANYWAY, I know a lot of you are pretty down on this tour, and I’ll try to keep that in mind when Vince and I are having an amazing time at the show. Actually, I’ll probably be way too coked up to care. Nevvvverrrrr mind.

Here are the dates:

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Props go out to MetalSucks Maniacs Troy Burns, Liza Shue, Jonathan O’Reilly, Dave Muntean and Adam Mielnicki. They each correctly identified last week’s logo as belonging to the hilariously monikered band Cuntscrape, and each win an autographed New York Dolls One Day it Will Please Us to Remember Even This CD booklet. Good work, everyone!

Okay. So. We have five, and only five, booklets remaining. These things are sweet and, c’mon, IT’S THE NEW YORK FUCKING DOLLS, so you want one – and this is your absolute last chance to get a copy.

Please note that we’re not giving away any copies of the actual One Day it Will Please Us… CD. Still, that shouldn’t bother you ’cause a) it’s been out for awhile and hopefully you already own it and b) this prize is so fucking cool in and of itself.

All you have to do to win is identify the name of the band whose logo appears below, then shoot me an e-mail with your answer, your name and address at axl [at] metalsucks.net. We’ll randomly select five winners from everyone who gets it right, and announce his or her names next week.

Ladies and gents, start yer engines… it’s a hard one this week…

-AR

Big, big, BIG props to MetalSucks Maniac Barb Crompton, who was literally the only person to correctly identify last week’s logo as belonging to the charmingly named Diarrhea Humiliation. Barb wins Dream Theater’s amazing Chaos in Motion 2007 – 2008 five disc DVD/CD. It’s gonna blow your mind and make you see the world in a whole new light, Barb.

This week the super fantastic peeps at Roadrunner Records have given us five autographed New York Dolls One Day it Will Please Us to Remember Even This CD booklets. Please note that we’re not giving away any copies of the actual One Day it Will Please Us… CD. Still, that shouldn’t bother you ’cause a) it’s been out for awhile and hopefully you already own it and b) this prize is so fucking cool in and of itself.

All you have to do to win is identify the name of the band whose logo appears below, then shoot me an e-mail with your answer, your name and address at axl [at] metalsucks.net. We’ll randomly select five winners from everyone who gets it right, and announce his or her names next week.

Good luck, everyone…

-AR