1) Be nicer to Sebastian Bach
2) Compare penis sizes with Tommy Lee
3) Hire Phil LaBonte as a vocal coach
4) Hire Billy Milano as a personal trainer
5) Hire Tripp Eisen as a baby sitter
6) Sleep with present-day Tawny Kitaen
7) Help Danzig clean up his motherfucking bricks, bitch
8) Listen to Ted Nugent talk about politics
9) Listen to Ted Nugent talk about romance
10) Listen to Ted Nugent talk about Ted Nugent

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So as it turns out, Periphery have a rather sizable online following. Hm. Who knew?

ANYWAY, here’s how we amused ourselves this week:

• We debuted new music by the aforementioned Periphery, as well as Meek is Murder.
• Gwar’s Oderus Urungus answered some more reader questions, and we spoke to Fredrik Andersson from Amon Amarth.
• We checked out the latest releases from Drugs of Faith and Throatruiner Records.
• We reported on all the awesome metalocity at SXSW.
• We wondered if metalheads support gay marriage.
• We offered a retort to Sumerian Records head honcho Ash Avilldsen’s anti-piracy argument.
• We started the “Best of 2011″ argumentswwwaaaaayyyy early.
• We watched the best school assembly ever.
• We wondered why good musicians join terrible bands.
• We steeled ourselves for the release of the worst album of the year.

Alright, have a good frakin’ weekend everyone! See ya Monday.

-AR

Greetings human filth, it is I, Oderus… no need for all the formal greetings that would normally be required for you. After all we have done this several times before. And with each successful snooze-fest (which is what answering your questions amounts to) I swore I would never again waste my time answering your asinine inquiries. But strangely enough, I found myself drawn to the web and reading your questions, no matter how stupid they were… and then I realized that my pathetic need for attention in any form completely outweighed any objections I might otherwise have had. Following that? After all, I did create you, and therefore despite your appalling appearance I am drawn to my creation, much like a father who puts a camera in his daughter’s toilet. So let’s be at it, you cretins!

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That’s right… he’s back! Oderus Urungus, the greatest singer in the history of what this putrid, worthless planet calls “metal,” is back and ready to answer your questions for another round of “Ask Oderus!!!” So leave your query for Lord Urungus in the comments section below. Oderus will pick his favorites and answer them right here on MetalSucks in the not-too-distant future. No question is too big or too small, too gross or too taboo, too serious or too silly, so ask away!

And don’t forget that Gwar’s new album, Gwar’s Bloody Pit of Horror, is out now on Metal Blade. You can get Gwar tour dates n’ more news n’ shit right here.

I am, of course, totally kidding. Gwar clearly would not fit with with the Fox News pundit, ’cause what he does is far too fantasy-based for their particular brand of entertainment.

ANYWAY, I mention it ’cause you might remember that last week we posted a video of GWAR killing a Sarah Palin stand-in as part of their most recent stage show (above); needless to say, we were not the first or last media outlet to pick up on the clip, and, as Oderus himself so poetically put it in a statement, “the right-wing tea bag numb-nuts are getting their knickers in a twist.” I’m almost surprised that Oderus hasn’t been invited back to Fox’s Red Eye to discuss the controversy.

Of course, this kind of brouhaha will ultimately amount to very little, but in the meantime, it can provide us with some entertainment. To wit: Rob over at Metal Injection has done a terrific job of collecting some of the more amusing comments left under the video on YouTube. My personal favorite, by some dude named PhillipMcLoins, is after the jump. And in case the non-sensical nature of the criticism is lost on you, I’ve added some emphasis to the contradictory parts of the statement in bold.

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One of the best parts of any Gwar show is seeing which celebrities/public figures the band is going to “kill” on-stage. And I don’t know if they were offing Alaska’s most infamous maverick on a nightly basis on their most recent tour, or if this is something they did special for the people of Detroit — but needless to say, I approve.

“After tonight you will never about Sarah Palin being your president ever again,” the mighty Oderus Urungus tells the crowd. Oh, if only it weren’t all just for fun.

Gwar’s Bloody Pit of Horror, the band’s latest, is out now on Metal Blade, and they’ll continue to slaughter people they don’t like out on tour for the foreseeable future. Get dates here.

-AR

Thanks to Jason McDaniel for making my morning.

Why am I writing this week’s “Worst Week” entirely in questions? Could it be to irritate you? Or am I just trying to keep myself amused at the end of the week?

Did you know we asked some other questions this week?

• Was Sergeant D. kidding when he said that there are only two good songs in Reign in Blood?
• Why did Dimmu Borgir change their album art post-release?
• What’s the big deal about Volbeat?
• Is Glenn Danzig actually perfectly reasonable?
• Is there anything better than a Devin Townsend show?
• Can Ozzy restore your sanity?

And have you asked yourself these questions as well?

• Did you know that we debuted new music by The Ocean, Dukatalon, and Gozu?
• Did you read Anso’s chat with Dave Wyndorf from Monster Magnet?
• Is Oderus’ advice column worse than Vinnie Paul’s? Do you agree with Doc Coyle’s assessments on the issue of European metal versus American metal? Do you find, as Eyal Levi does, that creative prison is for pussies? Is Greg Weeks imagining it, or does it smell like poop and onions right now?
• Did you buy the new album from Dallas Coyle’s Genetic? You know the money goes to cancer research, right?

Are you worried that I’ll still be doing this on Monday? Do you think I care?

-AR

The Bloody Tour of Horror rocks on! City after city fall in flaming ruin as GWAR marches on, our zombie horde growing in power and fury with each passing day. But even as we slay on a global scale I, Oderus Urungus, make the time to answer your idiotic questions, whether they be of cosmic import or complete crap-ola, and always with the typically evasive and insulting aplomb you have come to expect from me. Remember, Bloody Pit of Horror is out Nov. 9, and every album sold is another hit off the old glass dick for Uncle Odie… yes, that’s right, it actually states in my contract that I get paid in crack. And speaking of crack, we will be doing another Crack-a-Thon next year! Check gwar.tv for all kinds of shit. Now — on to your entreaties, human filth!

If you choke a smurf what color does it turn? I would find out myself but for the life of me I can’t find one of the little blue bastards. — Big P

Well, that depends on what kind of Smurf you are talking about. If you are talking about those little dwarf-like animated shit-fucks, I am sorry to tell you that they are indeed just that — animated. They don’t exist, so you can’t strangle them. You’d have more success strangling your own penis, if you possess one, or can get someone to lend you theirs.

If, however, indeed, you are talking about that peculiar species of human that serves as the collector for blister packs of cough medicine that the local “Papa Smurf” uses to cook into crystal meth, I can assure you, from personal experience, that they go just as blue as any other human.

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Torche are the latest metal band to be featured on Fox News’ Red Eye program, following in the footsteps of Gwar’s Oderus Urungus and Cobalt’s Phil McSorely. The difference between Torche and those dudes, though, is that Mike Huckabee — former governor of Arkansas, United States presidential candidate, and now self-proclaimed “doom metal expert” — didn’t endorse Gwar and Cobalt, or compare them to a tractor. Now THAT’S gotta be going on Torche’s album sticker, right?

And here’s the actual interview… it’s pretty amazing for a number of reasons, not least of all being I wasn’t aware they were allowed to say “sodomized” on Fox News unless they were referring to how they think that all homosexuals should burn in hell.

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What can I tell you about a new Gwar song that you don’t already know? Unless you just started listening to metal yesterday, you know Gwar, and you know how you feel about Gwar, and you know that they’re not gonna release a calypso album anytime soon. You either like having fun and enjoy Gwar, or you’re a sourpuss and you don’t like Gwar.

If you fall into the former category, “Zombies, March” — our first taste of new music from the band’s latest, Gwar’s Bloody Pit of Horror — is now streaming at Bloody Disgusting. It’s the same Misfits-by-way-of-Motorhead kinda thing this band has always done, but that really shouldn’t bother you unless you have sand in your vagina. And if you have sand in your vagina, than you’re probably really just upset about that, and taking your frustration out on poor Gwar.

Speaking of sandy vaginas, Gwar’s Bloody Pit of Horror comes out November 9 on Metal Blade, and you can pre-order it here. The band is about to embark on the “Bloody Tour Of Horror” tour with The Casualties, Infernaeon and Mobile Deathcamp; you can can dates at Bloody Disgusting when you go check out the song. Do it.

Also, have you asked Oderus a question yet?

-AR

So this normally where we write some fairly meaningless bullshit as an intro to our weekly recap, but reader Sean Williams sent us a link to the below video update from one Mr. Devin Townsend, and we really can’t think of a better way to kick-off the weekend. As Sean put it, “Deconstruction AND Ghost as a double record? Holy fucking shit!” And it gets “Holy shittier” when we get to hear a little bit of new music…

Here are some other fun things that happened at MetalSucks this week:

• We debuted Joe Satriani’s first Black Swans and Wormhole Wizards webisode and new music by Sweet Cobra.
• Gwar’s Oderus Urungus answered more of your idiotic questions, The Red Chord’s Greg Weeks got unnecessarily rough, Daath’s Eyal Levi pondered the meaning of sacrifice, and Rumpelstiltskin Grinder’s Shawn Riley taught us how to make delicious hot wings.
• We spoke to producer/engineer/mixer extraordinaire Mark Lewis, The Contortionist’s Jon Carpenter, and Shred Sean from Blessed by a Broken Heart.
• We checked out new releases from Dawnbringer and Merkaba.
• We helped A Day to Remember struggle with young adulthood.
• We gave Jason Newsted a shoulder to cry on.
• We got excited that Byzantine are making a new record.
• The kid of the dude from the E-Street Band is out of Madball.
• We’ve decided that when we die, we want our ashes to be pressed into vinyl.
• Can you please help us find Elote 5?

Until Monday… don’t get alcohol poisoning…

-AR

Gwar‘s new album, Gwar’s Bloody Pit of Horror, is scheduled to be released later this year on Metal Blade. While you wait patiently like the stinking dog that you are, here’s Oderus Urungus, the greatest singer in the history of what this putrid, worthless planet calls “metal,” to answer all your ridiculous questions…

Why are you my mom? – EJ666

I thought everybody had heard the story at least 40,000 times, but then again it is a good one…When we arrived on Earth, we were forced to fuck apes — well, more like we forced them to fuck us. Yes, we raped the apes, it was motherfucking ape-rape. The human race sprang from that filthy union and so on and so forth. Really, I was pretty disappointed when I saw what the union had created, I was hoping for some kind of GWAR SUPER-APE, instead we got you tail-less freaks…that’s why I’m your mom, because I am your mom! Or at least your dad, your mom and dad at the same time. And I will be expecting at least a card on my birthday!

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There was something of a tornado here in Brooklyn yesterday, and even if you didn’t see the tornado itself you saw some of the craziest fucking weather ever. I know you folks out in Nebraska are thinking “So what?” but for us something like this happens about as often as an earthquake does for you. Shit was positively epic. Thankfully even the monkeys didn’t get all riled up like the dudes in the above video — although I think I saw Sammy hiding in the bathtub — and business carried on as usual as it did all week:

• We stroked ourselves just a little bit by celebrating our 10,000th post with a list of our top ten favorite posts ever.
• The return of Ask Oderus: You asked Gwar’s frontman your burning questions and he answered them. Also, Eyal wondered what makes a guitarist “great.”
• We premiered new tracks by Titan, Holy Grail, These are They and we premiered the new Firewind video.
• We spoke with Valient Thorr’s Valient Himself.
• Rumpelstiltskin Grinder changed their name to The Devil. Oh wait, no they didn’t.
• We ranked the Top 10 t-shirts worn by High on Fire frontman Matt Pike.
• We looked at new records by Drudkh and Winterfylleth and Skunk Anansie.
• We looked at our favorite new-school Iron Maiden jams and we wondered if Demolisher is the heaviest band on the planet.
• Tomas Haake may or may not have actually commented on my post about some dude covering Meshuggah’s “Bleed” by playing drums on his pillows. Tomas, if you’re reading this, I have mad respect for your drumming!
• Axl released Part 1 of his Daath in-studio report.

Hopefully no more tornados hit Brooklyn this weekend. Actually, if one could swoop right over Jerry Manuel’s home then hop-scotch over to Omar Minaya’s, I’d be OK with that.

-VN

You asked, and he answered! Here’s Gwar‘s Oderus Urungus, the greatest singer in the history of what this putrid, worthless planet calls “metal,” to answer all your ridiculous questions…

If your name wasn’t Oderus what would it be? – Rob

That’s a good question, moron. It’s pretty hard to imagine me being named LOLA or FUNKY WINKERBEAN.  Is this typical of the types of questions I am gonna get? Completely fucking retarded ones? It never ceases to amaze me that here you have an opportunity to have all the mysteries of life revealed, but you want to ask asinine questions like this one (YOURS). Get fucked! Oh yeah, I almost forgot — it would be GENGHIS HITLER VON DOG-LOLLY! Oh no, I shit myself (again).

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Unfortunately none of the MetalSucks crew were able to make it to Richmond for last month’s Gwar-B-Q, but everyone we know who went said it was an awesome time. Now our bro-bros at Metal Injection have posted some footage of Rawg — basically Gwar sans costumes — performing the classic track “Sick of You.” And it’s just super, ’cause not only does the song rock, but it’s always nice to be reminded how handsome the members of this band are without those masks.

As if that wasn’t enough Gwar goodness for you, Metal Blade has announced a November 9 release date for the band’s new album, Gwar’s Bloody Pit of Horror. I assume months of touring and insanity will follow.

While we eagerly await said debauchery, remember that Gwar frontman Oderus Urungus is now accepting questions for his MetalSucks column, “Ask Oderus.” Ask him a question here!

-AR

That’s right… he’s back! Oderus Urungus, the greatest singer in the history of what this putrid, worthless planet calls “metal,” has been busy recording Gwar’s new album, Gwar’s Bloody Pit of Horror, which comes out later this year on Metal Blade. But now the man whose shit is worth more than your entire life is back, and ready to answer your questions! So leave your query for Lord Urungus in the comments section below. Oderus will pick his favorites and answer them right here on MetalSucks in the not-too-distant future. No question is too big or too small, too gross or too taboo, too serious or too silly, so ask away!

This Saturday marks the first GWAR-B-Q at Gwar’s Slave Pit in more than ten years. Neither Vince nor myself will be there ’cause it’s in Richmond, VA, but it sounds frickin’ sweet: there’s gonna be a performance from RAWG, a musical history of GWAR featuring members that have been in the band throughout their 25 year career, PLUS performances from Cannabis Corpse, Mobile Death Camp, Supression, Mensrea, and others, PLUS karaoke, skating, tattooing, and the spew-Olympics… whatever the fuck that is. In any case, it sounds like a typically GWARian awesome disgusting time.

When reached for comment, GWAR’s vocalist and notorious baby-crusher, Oderus Urungus, had this to say:

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Gwar/Mutiny Within @ White Rabbit

San Antonio, Texas – June 7, 2010

Due to an unfortunate pre-show fluidity accident involving my good friend, Brian, and my alleged miniature Dachshund, Tamale, I missed out on all but two songs of Mutiny Within’s set. I was actually looking forward to seeing the band and enjoyed what I did see. I will make sure to catch them on the rebound in the near future.

Of course, no one really cares about opening bands when it comes to Gwar. In the midst of celebrating their 25-year reign of destruction over you puny Earthlings, Gwar is tighter, heavier, and funnier than ever. Instead of being relegated to the bargain bin of heavy metal wash-ups, Gwar has miraculously leaped to the forefront of true heavy metal entertainment spectacle.

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GREETINGS HUMAN SCUM, IT IS I, ME, THE LORD AND MASTER OF THIS AND EVERY OTHER WORLD I CAN THINK OF, YOUR HOST WITH THE MOST (COCK), ODERUS URUNGUS OF THE MIGHTY GWAR! AND WHAT FOLLOWS IS MY FIRST OFFICIAL COMMUNIQUE OF THIS FELGLING DECADE, TAKING THE FORM OF YOUR PATHETIC ENTREATIES REGARDING A HOST OF MATTERS BOTH PERTINENT AND OBSCURE. THAT’S RIGHT, ONCE AGAIN IT IS TIME FOR THE UNPARALELLED AWESOMOSITY THAT IS “ASK ODERUS”!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oderus. I was wondering if the revelation of Lady GaGa being a tranny has altered your desire to make intergalactic relations with him/her/it. Also has “Pokerface” gone from annoying to slightly disturbing? How many Lady GaGa dongs would it take to make you vomit all over yourself?

I SEE IMMEDIATELY THAT YOU ARE ACTUALLY TRYING TO SNEAK THREE QUESTIONS IN HERE… AND THREE STUPID ONES AT THAT. I MEAN HERE YOU HAVE A CHANCE TO TALK TO GOD AND YOU WANT TO KNOW ABOUT LADY GA-GA… PLUS YOU ARE TRYING TO CHEAT! BUT DESPITE THE ABSOLUTE WORTHLESSNESS OF YOUR QUESTIONS (AND THEREFORE, YOU…), I WILL ANSWER ALL THREE OF THEM.

1)      No.
2)      No.
3)      I PUKE AT WILL SO I SUPPOSE THE ANSWER WOULD BE SOMEWHERE IN BETWEEN ZERO AND INFINITY, DEPENDING ON WHAT KIND OF MOOD I WAS IN…

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Gwar frontman / Fox News interplanetary correspondent Oderus Urungus is back for another round of his famed MetalSucks advice column “Ask Oderus.” Got a question for Mr. Urungus? Be it about life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness, Gwar, prosthetic dongs or any other topic that’s burning a whole in your humanoid heart, leave a comment below and Oderus himself will pick a few to answer next week.