It has literally been years since we’ve done a new edition of “Board to Death,” the column in which we make fun of people on internet message boards, because we’re nice people like that. But last night Ozzy Osbourne’s intern made this announcement on the Ozzfest Facebook page…

…and while I can’t for the life of me understand why anyone would care in light of the fact that there’s still The Rockstar Energy Drink Mayhem Festival featuring the Jagermeister Mobile Stage, Vans Warped Tour, The Rockstar Energy Drink Uproar Tour, Summer Slaughter, Slaughter Survivors, Slaughter Slaughter, The All Stars Tour, The Cool Tour (actually I don’t think that one is coming back but still), The Old People Doing Glam for the Sake of Nostalgia Tour, The Hellmann’s Dijon Mustard Extreme Grindcore Festival, and eighteen thousand other Ozzfests that aren’t called Ozzfest. But some people do care, and those people left inadvertently hilarious messages under this announcement.

I’m not gonna do screencaps for all of these, nor am I going to identify everyone by their full name, because it’s been seven whole days since someone last threatened to sue us and I’d like to see if we can make it as far as ten days. But obviously it would be very easy for you to just go to the aforementioned Facebook page and see who I’m talking about.

And on that note, here are some of my favorite comments…

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Where to begin with this woefully disappointing Mets season? It all fell apart on that disastrous 2-9 West Coast road trip in July. Sure, the problems started before then with two weeks of .500 ball prior to and immediately after the All Star break… but what team doesn’t have a string of mediocrity? After they returned from out west it seemed like they’d given up — everyone excerpt for R.A. Dickey, of course, by far the most Metal Met. Well, that’s not quite true… our starting pitching has been phenomenal. Excellent. Whoda thunk it going into this season?

While the season’s been disappointing to be sure, it’s been a helluva lot more satisfying than last year’s. We’ve seen the emergence of some genuine, quality homegrown talent in the likes of Ike Davis, Jon Niese, Ruben Tejada and Josh Thole. A really, really solid core of youngsters to build upon. I like that. Let’s dump K-Rod and Beltran in trades for prospects this off-season and move on, and FOR THE LOVE OF GOD just cut Oliver Fucking Perez from the roster and take the salary hit. What an asshole, that guy; what a baby. Ugh… it makes my blood boil. What a fucking baby.

Oh and one more thing: Angel Pagan. Gotta love that guy. I’m perfectly fine with having him as our starting center fielder in 2011.

Anywho, I’m ranting. Randy Johnson, one of the most metal baseball players to ever hover on a pitcher’s mound (look at that scowl!!!), apparently fancies himself a metal photographer these days and shot some photos at Ozzfest for Noisecreep. I’m wondering if Johnson couldn’t secure a photo pass or just didn’t want to be seen in the photo pit, because there aren’t actually very many pictures of bands playing. But I like that Johnson is doing something interesting with his retirement. Check out the pics at Noisecreep.

-VN

This video of a sign language interpreter at the San Bernadino, CA stop of Ozzfest last week [sent in by Joey Ladiv] begs the question: why would any deaf people be at a concert in the first place? He’s clearly officially sanctioned by the venue / concert seeing as he’s behind the barrier and there are security guards right in front of him; maybe there’s some “equal oppotrunity” measure in California that mandates his presence? I don’t know… it strikes me as pretty fucking stupid and a waste of money. Pardon me for being un-PC / insensitive, but this seems about as unnecessary — even insulting — as a wheelchair ramp to a game of Dance Dance Revolution. If I’m way off-base here and there’s a big contingent of deaf metalheads… well then, color me corrected.

Anyway, this guy’s act makes for some unexpected entertainment when AC/DC’s ode to manliness “Big Balls” comes on over the PA between bands. It’s good to know that the sign for Invisible Oranges is universal.

-VN

I couldn’t find an appropriate wedding cake for this story, so this birthday cake will have to do. Sorry.

Earlier this year, Charles Ray proposed on-stage at a Fear Factory concert. And while I don’t like Fear Factory, I know plenty of intelligent people who do, and the fact that he got to pop the question in the middle of the show in front of Dino and God and everyone makes it pretty special.

But if he had just proposed on the floor of the show without any help from the band, well, no one would care. In fact, Charles would probably be considered déclassé for not at least, like, taking his lady to a nice dinner or something and proposing there.

And it is for this reason that I can’t understand why anyone would wanna get married at Ozzfest, unless the wedding was being officiated by Ozzy, or took place on-stage during Ozzy’s set (or someone’s set), or was going to be attended by Ozzy, or in some way, shape, or form,involved Ozzy or another band on the bill.

Yet Melinda Dolezal at Metal Insider tells us that this year Ozzfest is offering an “Unholy Matrimony” VIP package that goes for $266 per person and offers the following not-very-exciting-sounding features:

Click to read more…

If you haven’t read Part One of my interview with Melvins frontman Buzz Osborne, you might want to check it out before you go any further. In this second and final installment of that conversation, King Buzzo pulls no punches. See below to learn his thoughts on grunge, crabcore, and why he’d rather open for Madonna than ever play Ozzfest again.

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Bram Teitelman at Metal Insider wrote a really interesting piece this morning, in which he wonders if Ozzfest is “burying the lead.” In case you’re not familiar with that journalism term, it’s basically when a company or publicist or whomever releases bad news at a time when they hope the fewest possible number of people will see it – e.g., sending out a press release announcing lower-than-expected quarterly earnings on a Friday night, when folks tend to be enjoying their weekends and not watching the news.

So with rumors abounding that the 2010 “comeback” edition of Ozzfest will have a less-than-stellar line-up, and practically every band Ozzfest could possibly want already booked on one of the many competing big summer package tour (Mayhem, American Carnage, Carnival of Madness, Summer Slaughter, The Cool Tour, etc.), Bram wonders if Ozzy, Sharon and company aren’t using that very trick for this evening’s tour announcement:

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Mr. Ozzman has revealed the cover art to his new album, Scream, and, uh, it’s not that great. Which doesn’t really bother me, because Ozzy’s solo career has never really been marked by great cover art – maybe because he (or his handlers at least) have always insisted that he be on it? When I think about metal’s awesomest album covers, they’re generally not representations of the band/artist (although I can think of at least one exception). But I’m not that bummed out that the cover art is pretty meh, ’cause like I said, that’s pretty par for the course of Ozzy. I do think that Zach Shaw at Metal Insider makes a pretty funny point when he wonders why Ozzy “appears on the cover NOT screaming?”

Meanwhile, an official announcement regarding Ozzfest is supposed to be issued this Friday. The rumors I’ve heard are that it’s going to be a somewhat scaled back version of the tour which will last just a couple of weeks. I’ve also heard some rumors about the line-up, which were pretty anticlimactic. Hopefully my source was way off-base. I guess we’ll find out tomorrow!

-AR

Last month, Ozzy Osbourne continued his campaign against the hearts and minds of his longtime fans by announcing Soul Sucka as the title of his new album, which is tentatively scheduled for a July release. Kind of amazingly, though, it seems as though the Ozzman hasn’t completely lost touch with his supporters, has heard all of our bitching and moaning, and has decided to do something about it. Metal Underground reports that Ozzy’s bassist, Blasko, has released a statement which reads in part:

“Until yesterday, the disc was going to be called Soul Sucka. However, Ozzy realized that “None of my fan base liked the title. They were like, ‘I can’t imagine me walking around the fucking house with the words ‘Soul Sucka’ on my T-shirt.’ So I was like, ‘Fuck it. I’ve got to come up with something else!’”

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So Axl and I are shuttering up the gates to the MS Mansion when we get wind that there’s a new Lamb of God video for “Set to Fail” available. Fucking BAD ASS!!!

Before this event of over-arching importance occurred, here’s what we would’ve said was important this week:

• We spoke with Salome’s Aaron Deal and Chimaira’s Mark Hunter.
• No Ozzfest this year. We don’t buy the excuse that it’s because Ozzman’s working on a new album, but at least the Osbournes will be making asses of themselves on national TV again… oh wait.
• We watched Mastodon in the recording studio while we falsely assumed a new track of theirs appeared in a videogame trailer. No matter; Crack the Skye is coming March 24th and there’s a super-special limited edition package available for pre-order.
• Limp Bizkit announced their inevitable reunion. With Wes Borland. No surprise.
• We joined Twitter. Webernets, watch out!
• We looked at new releases by Scale the Summit, Obscura and the new DVD by Dir En Grey. The world previewed the new God Forbid record… and overwhelmingly liked it, by golly! In the Coyle Commune annex of the MS Mansion, Dallas slyly grinned while tapping his fingers slowly together and saying, “Exxxxxxcellent.”
• We pontificated the seemingly complete irrelevance of the Grammies and then immediately forgot about them.

Enjoy cuddling up with your shnookums (metal!) on Valentine’s Day tomorrow and celebrating a day called “Presidents Day” — even though no U.S. presidents were actually born on said day — by not going to work on Monday. Seeya Tuesday.

-VN

When the excellent line-up for this year’s Rockstar Energy Mayhem Festival was announced last month, we wondered: who would be left for Ozzfest? It’s not like there’s ever gonna be a shortage of excellent bands to play the tour, but in terms of “namier” acts that were actually going to be touring, it seemed as though most of them had made other plans.

Well, now we have an answer: there isn’t gonna be an Ozzfest in ’09.

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In the summer of 2006, before MetalSucks was even a twinkle in our young, stoned eyes, Axl and I headed across the pond to England’s famous Download Festival at Castle Donington to get our metal on. Our minds were literally blown; neither of us had ever been to an event of such magnitude and we were literally shocked at the seemingly endless and welcoming metal community in Europe. In 2007 and 2008 we talked of going to other European festival mainstays like Wacken and Hellfest, and though we never made it back we were continually jealous of the rich European metal festival scene.

Americans have reason to be jealous of their European forefathers no more; a glut of both indoor and outdoor festivals have hit the American circuit in the past few of years, and in 2009 even more promoters are jumping on the bandwagon with a glut of killer destination metal festivals already lined up.

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As many of you have already noticed, The Gauntlet is now reporting that Killswitch Engage have been added to the main stage of this summer’s Rockstar Energy Mayhem Festival, which is good news for metal fans but bad news for the organizers of Ozzfest.

Just as importantly, though, Lambgoat has revealed that Blood Has Been Shed – a.k.a. the band Howard Jones and Justin Foley were in prior to joining KsE – are on the verge of making their (hopefully) glorious comeback.

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It was fun to speculate last about with whom Slayer might spend the summer touring, but now we have an official answer: as rumored, they’ll be co-headlining the Rockstar Energey Mayhem Festival with their ’07 tourmates, Marilyn Manson.

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I am currently sequestered away in my cave hammering out my next book, so I don’t have any time to look shit up. Regardless, I have a few questions niggling at the back of my brain about some issues in metal. Maybe you can help me out.

WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO…?

• Sounds of the Underground- I caught the first tour and it rocked. Second one, not so much (Trivium headlining over In Flames?). The third year’s line-up looked lame so I took a pass. Correct me if I’m wrong, but was there no SOTU this year?
• Ozzfest – Free in 2007. One show in 2008. WTF?
• Headbangers Ball – Reduced to one hour a week. No host. Time slot changes seemingly every week. Too many of the same videos played week after week.
• Metallica – No, seriously. WTFH2 these guys?
• Brian Posehn - Okay, I cheated here. This isn’t a WTFH2, but rather a request from me for one of you MSManiacs to create a YouTube clip of Brian Posehn’s metal moments on The Sarah Silverman Program. Please? Pretty please? BP is the fuckin’ man!

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MetalSucks devotee Kye sent us a YouTube video still for the new leaked Mudvayne song “Do What Do You,” a clip of which is currently streaming at the band’s MySpace page. Shockingly, it sounds just like a Mudvayne song. If you like Mudvayne it’ll probably be right up your alley, and if not… Well, you know.

I’ve never been a huge Mudvayne fan though I’ve dug a few of their songs in the past, and this one sounds pretty much in line with “new” Mudvayne. Of note, there’s a guitar solo in this song, which I can’t recall hearing from the band before (hey, guitar solos are in vogue now). I’ve always been able to somewhat tolerate this band, and this song is no different; though in a live setting they literally put me and Axl to sleep at Ozzfest a few years ago. Anyway, here’s the song. Do what you do with it.

Mudvayne’s new album The New Game drops November 18th on Epic.

-VN

Based on the inclusion of one of their songs on some Ozzfest sampler CD (2003, maybe?) Axl and I developed something of a hard-on for the little-known Californian band Depswa (well… Me moreso than Axl). Their one and only major label album Two Angels and a Dream was a collection of excellent alt-metal tinged hard rock songs, a much underappreciated gem that resulted in the band being dropped from Geffen after failing to live up to commercial expectations. Will you guys like ‘em? If you’re tr00er than tr00, probably not, but I urge you to put away your cool-o-meter for one second and see if you can dig.

Depswa still maintain their MySpace page and have even added a few demos of new songs in the past year or so, but they don’t seem to be up to much other than occasional show.

Unfortunately the video for the band’s best song “This Time” does not allow embeds (fuck you, Universal!), but “Not Responsible” is a heavier number anyway. Enjoy

-VN

So while it was rumored for awhile that this year’s edition of Ozzfest would be a two day event – but it has now been announced that it’ll be just one single day, on Saturday, August 9, at at Pizza Hut Park* in Dallas, Texas. The line-up will be as follows:

Main Stage
OZZY OSBOURNE
METALLICA
SERJ TANKIAN
HELLYEAH
JONATHAN DAVIS
CAVALERA CONSPIRACY
SHADOWS FALL
APOCALYPTICA
IN THIS MOMENT
All-Star Tribute To “Dimebag” Darrell Abbott

Second Stage
SEVENDUST
DEVILDRIVER
KINGDOM OF SORROW
SOILENT GREEN
WITCHCRAFT
GOATWHORE

Texas (Third) Stage
THE SWORD
DROWNING POOL
RIGOR MORTIS

Actually, that is, by no means, a terrible line-up; if the stages are staggered at all (and I imagine they will be), it would be plenty easy to keep oneself occupied during sets from In This Moment, Jonathan Davis, and HellNo. And I guess it’s honorable of Metallica to let Ozzy play last, even though, at this point, a) they’re much bigger than Ozzy and b) Ozzy has to be in bed by 8 pm. I mean, if I was Ozzy, and I’d spent recent Ozzfests getting blown off the stage by the likes of Maiden and Priest, I certainly wouldn’t wanna follow Metallica. But, y’know, nice of Ulrich and Hetfield to step aside for one night and let the Ozzman cometh.

Click to read more…

Blabbermouth is reporting that this year’s edition of Ozzfest “will consist of two separate two-day (Saturday/Sunday) events — one of which will be held in Dallas — in late July/early August.” Ozzy and Metallica will headline on separate days, and apparently Rigor Mortis will play the Dallas date, too.

Honestly? I’m all for some kind of Download/Wacken Open Air-style event here in the US, and maybe this could be it. Even if I’m in no particular rush to see Ozzy again (seriously, dude, unless you’re gonna break out some rarities or at least play “No More Tears,” I’ve had enough frog hopping for one lifetime, thank you) or, for that matter, Metallica, I know you need those kinds of household name bands to sell a big fest like this one – and the inclusion of Rigor Mortis makes me feel somewhat optimistic about the rest of the line-up. Not that I’m huge Rigot Mortis fan or anything – but if a semi-obscure band that most Hot Topic shoppers will have never heard of, maybe the rest of the line-up will be cool. Right?

Guys?

Anyone?

-AR

As expected, the rumor that this year’s incarnation of Ozzfest would be a one-off destination show (or possibly a small handful of one-offs) was confirmed today. According to the Shadows Fall official website, the event, dubbed Ozzy Osbourne’s Monsters of Rock (sidenote: lame title), will take place July 26th in Calgary, Alberta, Canada and will features Ozzy, Judas Priest, Serj Tankian, Hatebreed, Cavalera Conspiracy, Voivod, Testament, 3 Inches of Blood, Priestess, Zimmers Hole and Dillinger Escape Plan.

Not a bad lineup… at all. But honestly, given that last summer’s “Freefest” experiment apparently failed so miserably that pretty much the whole festival was scrapped this year, couldn’t we do without another boring Ozzy headline performance to bring the ticket price down from the egregious $120? Not that we’re planning on going, but anyone who does plan to attend could surely do without Ozzy’s frog-hop and water hose gimmick for the umpteenth time. Dude needs to call it a day already, and Zakk Wylde… well, he’ll figure something out.

On second thought, I hear they have some pretty killer ganj on the West Coast of Canada…

-VN

On the heels of the recent announcement of the Rockstar Energy Mayhem Tour, the rumor mill has begun to churn with band names said to be involved in Ozzfest negotiations. According to SMNnews.com, *rumored* (not confirmed) bands are as follows:

OZZY OSBOURNE
STONE TEMPLE PILOTS
SERJ TANKIAN
KILLSWITCH ENGAGE
CAVALERA CONSPIRACY
BULLET FOR MY VALENTINE
FILTER
THE DILLINGER ESCAPE PLAN
BETWEEN THE BURIED AND ME
TESTAMENT
FAIR TO MIDLAND

We’re not sure whether this is pure speculation based on who will be touring this summer and hasn’t already committed to a different package or whether this is insider knowledge, but there are certainly some interesting prospects in there. And if it shapes up as above, you know what, that’s a pretty killer lineup, definitely on the same suck-to-awesome ratio as the Rockstar Energy Mayhem Tour. I’ve already expressed my excitement about seeing a Stone Temple Pilots reunion, and with band members coming out in the press as saying it’s happening, Ozzfet would certainly be a possibility. Serj Tankian makes sense and would be pretty cool (released an album this past fall); same with Killswitch Engage (did Warped Tour last summer, time for a metal tour), Dillinger Escape Plan (new album out), and Between the Buried and Me. Testament have a new album on the way, and Filter announced today that they have a new album coming out in May. The Richard Patrick / STP dynamic could be interesting given their history in Army of Anyone, but presumably they’re all on good terms. Cavalera Conspiracy would certainly be fun… and though I hate to say it, an Ozzy show sounds like a snoozefest at this point in his career. The only weak links would be Bullet For My Valentine and Fair to Midland (whoever the fuck that is).

Not a bad tour at all. If it ends up this way.

-VN