UPDATE: Uh, maybe this isn’t happening — check out Tony Iommi’s official statement.

They are, according to  MetalTalk.net, who broke the news yesterday, and now the Birmingham Mail, who have gotten a confirmation from Tony Iommi.

It’s not exactly shocking news; after Dio passed away, putting an end to Heaven and Hell (which was really just a reunion of a different era of Sabbath), it seemed like an inevitability. And it’s not exactly bad news, either; last time I saw this reunited line-up, at Ozzfest 2005, they put on a fun enough show, even if Ozzy is Ozzy and none of these guys are exactly vibrant and youthful. But it’s the kind of thing where I’d say if you’re either a huge Sabbath fan or you’ve never gotten to see them before, it’s worth checking out a show.

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Welcome to “Question of the Week,” a (not really at all) weekly debate amongst the MetalSucks staff regarding a recent hot button issue.

We haven’t done one one of these all summer, but we came up with a fun one for this week:

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME AND PLAY ANY METAL BAND/MUSICIAN SOME OF THEIR MUSIC AND/OR SHOW THEM PHOTOS/VIDEOS OF THEMSELVES FROM THEIR FUTURE (OUR PRESENT), WHO WOULD IT BE AND WHY?

The MS staff’s answers after the jump.

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This doesn’t really have anything to do with metal, but I found it kinda funny so I’m running with it.

A Scottish band called Found has released what is, at least as far as I’m aware, the first-ever edible 7″ — more specifically, a 7″ made from chocolate. According to Badass Digest‘s Devin Faraci  (who came up with a headline far superior to my own):

“The first attempt was to pour chocolate over a pressed record, but the music created by the chocolate record was backwards. Instead they poured chocolate into the record mold, and presto, an edible single.”

I don’t know nearly enough about, like, science n’ shit to understand how this could possibly work, or what the band’s fans are supposed to do if they actually wanna keep the record, be it because they like the music, or because they think it’s gonna be a collector’s item, or whatever. (How easily would this thing melt? You’d have to at least keep it refrigerated, I’d imagine.)

I would, however, like to suggest that metal bands start trying this gimmick to sell their own shit. Of course, they would not necessarily have to use to chocolate. Here are some examples of what I think would be good cuisine-to-band matches:

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Red State Radio Rock reigned supreme once again last week on the increasingly meaningless Soundscam charts. Metal fans won’t find much to be happy about as none of the albums we highlighted last week charted, but there are some interesting stats about Ozzy Osbourne and others after the jump.

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Note: Seeing Firewind live will not cause actual breaking of fire wind.

Hey, so remember last month when we told you that Firewind were doing a North American headlining tour with support coming from Arsis, White Wizzard, and Nightrage? Well, that tour has an itinerary now, and that itinerary is after the jump. No need to thank me, I get paid to do this.

In all seriousness: Besides a very small handful of dates last fall, this is the first time Firewind has visited this part of the world in quite some time, so I imagine there’s a reasonable amount of you who have never had the chance to see them live before. You should take advantage of this opportunity. Not only is Firewind fun (I don’t even really like power metal and I like Firewind), but this your chance to see Gus G. shred his brains out without an old man frog hopping around the stage and ruining it for everyone.

Also, Arsis! White Wizzard! Nightrage! Okay so I’ve never really been that into Nightrage, but still! Strong line-up.

And so, the tour dates…

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We had to remove the photo for last week’s caption contest because some sour-puss pictured didn’t have a sense of humor about his bad life decisions and demanded we take it down. But for the 161 of you who commented before the photo was pulled you surely remember the gauge-eared / tattoo-sleeved buffoons pictured. And so, the three best captions for that photo, each of which will net the entrant a copy of the Metallica biography Enter Night:

• Miles Boger: “its hard to gauge who’s a bigger douchebag”
• A2James: “Doublemint gum decided to market to the emo demographic.”
• Larry Patin: “And, check this out… if we hold our arms together just right – there’s a hidden picture of Willie Nelson with a mohawk – kinda like folding up the last page of a Mad Magazine!”

Some commenters pointed out that one of the gentlemen in last week’s picture was from the band Suffokate, which I didn’t even know when I posted the photo, but wow, that’s funny. Great fashion choices brah!!! Also LOL at that guy subsequently commenting and thinking we actually have time to police all the comments on this site and remove his selectively; at least we now know our spam filter is working properly.

This week we’re giving away  the Diary of a Madman and Blizzard of Ozz boxset that’s coming out on May 31st. The boxset contains both records on vinyl and CD, awesome artwork and a whole lot more. Check out a picture of the set here. To enter, leave a comment with the funniest caption to the photo below (sent in by reader Will Kriss). Remember to use a real email address (or post it with your comment if you’re using FB Connect).

It has literally been years since we’ve done a new edition of “Board to Death,” the column in which we make fun of people on internet message boards, because we’re nice people like that. But last night Ozzy Osbourne’s intern made this announcement on the Ozzfest Facebook page…

…and while I can’t for the life of me understand why anyone would care in light of the fact that there’s still The Rockstar Energy Drink Mayhem Festival featuring the Jagermeister Mobile Stage, Vans Warped Tour, The Rockstar Energy Drink Uproar Tour, Summer Slaughter, Slaughter Survivors, Slaughter Slaughter, The All Stars Tour, The Cool Tour (actually I don’t think that one is coming back but still), The Old People Doing Glam for the Sake of Nostalgia Tour, The Hellmann’s Dijon Mustard Extreme Grindcore Festival, and eighteen thousand other Ozzfests that aren’t called Ozzfest. But some people do care, and those people left inadvertently hilarious messages under this announcement.

I’m not gonna do screencaps for all of these, nor am I going to identify everyone by their full name, because it’s been seven whole days since someone last threatened to sue us and I’d like to see if we can make it as far as ten days. But obviously it would be very easy for you to just go to the aforementioned Facebook page and see who I’m talking about.

And on that note, here are some of my favorite comments…

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It’s true! I thought the Osbourne clan had simply been approached by some talented young filmmaker who was interested in doing an honest, no-holds-barred documentary on Ozzy’s life and, through sheer coincidence, just happened to share the same last name as the famous vocalist. But as it turns out, the resulting film, God Bless Ozzy Osbourne (which recently screened at the Tribeca Film Festival), might — and I emphasize the word “might,” because I don’t think it’s fair to call this one just yet — but it just might be an act of nepotism.

But the younger Osbourne is apparently aware of the pratfalls of sticking too close to his clan — and so now Metal Injection tells me that Jack is working on his follow-up to God Bless…, a project which will finally distance him accusations that he owes all his success to his celebrity father: a horror film entitled Black Sabbath, which, Osbourne’s producer Marc Weingarten assures fans, will feature some of the band’s music, but is “not about the band.”

I’m really glad to see Jack striking out on his own, distancing himself from his family, and trying to make it on his own merits. People have been giving this guy shit about his last name for too long. I’m sure making a horror movie that just happens to have the same name as the band that made his father famous will finally shut up people and get them to judge Jack based solely on his own talents. Good for him!

-AR

When word reached Lady Gaga last year that she’d been described by Ozzy Osbourne as ”very clever, very interesting,” “wacky,” and in possession of a likable zaniness, the pop singer expressed her joy by calling herself Black Sabbath’s biggest fan “in the world.” Um, yeah that’s a patent and insulting falsehood, but shit, no worries cuz flattery from an icon like Ozzy might lead to excited overstatement in response. Shit, I’d be fuckin’ pumped if Bill Ward and I liked the same cereal. So yeah.

And really it’d even be spazworthy for most if similar praise came from somebody like Monster Magnet maestro Dave Wyndorf, as it did for Lady Gaga on MetalSucks back in November. Though hmm I doubt she was similarly flattered by an aged metal drummer fop’s invite to a groping, which occured this weekend when the Iron Maiden tour shared a venue with Lady Gaga’s in Tampa, Florida. A few days before that, McBrain told an about-to-be totally nauseated interviewer:

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American Idol week 13

Wed The final eight perform famous movie songs. Gosh thrilling concept, guys.

Thur Live results + lots of fast-forwarding

Misery Index Shut up shut up shut up all of you!

Tyler-o-meter “I am fucked up right now!”

Hey friends! This week, let’s check out the Idol Remains mailbag! The first comment comes from the nice person who does my boss:

Hi Anso, It’s me Metalgf. I am Vince [Neilstein]’s girlfriend and a fan of Idol. I also saw Idol taped live earlier this year, as you may recall. I am just a mess over the results. Pia [the pageant singer] was so much better than so many other Losers on this show. I HATE James Durbin and Paul [McDonald] is fine but not Idol material, Laura [the winner] is a snooze factory and Haley [Reinhart] is nothing to write home about. Stefano [Dimples] is just a pretty face. Pia and Jacob [Down With Jesus] and maybe Casey Beardo have real talent. But MOSTLY PIA. She was the best. I think I will stop watching the show now. I am just so disappointed and it’s just ridiculous. I obviously, as usual, do not agree with America at large. Our tastes differ more than I ever imagined.

Hi Metalgf, it’s me Anso. I am Vince’s um “silent admirer” and not a fan of Idol. You’re so right that it seems like Pia and Jacob are talented. But do you agree that it’s natural for many viewers to decline any further full-tilt caterwauling from these two? I mean, taken as a whole, the performances of each resemble that movie Titanic if it consisted only of the big finale on a loop until the viewer must stop watching. And now, people are starting to stand up and file out on Pia and, god willing, pitch-weak Jacob too. I guess it’s not about who’s best. That’s why Steve Vai isn’t the world’s most popular guitarist. Superhugz! Thanks for reading!

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Zakk Wylde appeared on American Idol last night, accompanying contestant James Turbin on a cover of Sammy Hagar’s “Heavy Metal,” ’cause, I dunno, I guess he felt like he had too much cred left.

We’re not going to try and give you any actual detailed analysis of this blessed event, though, because, well… that’s why we have ”Idol Remains,” Anso DF’s stupefyingly entertaining weekly re-cap of the show! Anso suffers so we don’t have to… and, besides, his writing is far more enjoyable than the program itself. Just check out these rave reviews!

“‘Idol Remains’ make me sad I’m not actually on the show anymore :( :( :(”
-Paula Abdul

“‘Idol Remains’ is so good it, it makes me wish I could actually sing!”
-Phil LaBonte

“Where am I? Who’s talking? Hello? Is there anyone there?”
-Ozzy Osbourne

So what are you waiting for? Catch up on all of Anso’s “Idol Remains” here. His latest installment will run tomorrow afternoon!!!

“Honestly, I’m not thinking about how to be relevant when writing and recording new songs.”
-Ozzy Osbourne

-AR

UPDATE: BOOO! Apparently these were part of an art project, and not a real advertising campaign. If the people who run the Smithsonian were smart, they’d purchase these. Anyways, thanks to Jonathan Delarosa for bringing the truth to light.

I saw these new posters for the Smithsonian on Badass Digest, and they amused me enough that I thought they were worth sharing. I don’t particularly have anything to say about them — I just think they’re a clever way to try and express that history is cool, which it is, despite how fucking boring your teachers were/are.

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After listening to Psycho’s female blowtorch, Penny Torture, and Ava Inferi’s haunting distaff elemental, Carmen Susana Simões, I realized it’s time we just chill and admit that women are all-around better at this metal-singing thing.

Is this mad exaggeration? It feels like that when I’m away from an MPEG player, but then I listen to those two radically different bands, to Psycho’s primal-scream old school death or Ava Inferi’s doomed-out, gothy whatsit, and it feels I’m not over-reaching, I’m underselling.

And it’s not just two superior releases (Ava Inferi’s Onyx and Psycho’s Pain Addict Pigs). It’s just become impossible to ignore the fact that females are not only doing equal or better work in the same genre jobs as male counterparts, they’re also making metal records that go places no male on Earth — none, nada, zip-ol-lina — could go. That 2011’s best metal so far — Subrosa’s No Help for the Mighty Ones — is an almost all-femme effort of relentless pan-genre awesomeness only adds arsenic and new lace to my argumentative cake.

All of which may have the reader thinking, “You do realize, you silly person, that you’ve just written off the work of one half the human race.”

To which I say, “Yeah, well, I guess I’m pimping a little irony here, since that’s business as usual with women and the metal press. But irony aside, please bear with me.”

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Not you after today

In the past few years, my group of friends has come to include a bunch of fancy-pants musicians-for-hire. They get majorly paid for backing gigs and session work cuz they execute on their instruments with nuclear precision. And it’s great hanging out with them for their big shot habits of picking up every check and throwing exquisite summer parties. You want that — we all do. But maybe you don’t have the time to, say, top your class at Juilliard or grind out a degree from Berklee. Hey, even if you did, you’d just as soon end up posting internet clips of yourself blasting through BTBAM runs and Hammerfall solos unless you move to West Hollywood and starve for two years. Meh.

Well, here’s good news! You can still get chicks horny and sound good enough for Youtube and hold up to passing scrutiny and possibly even land a gig in a million-selling metal band! Unlike violin, for example, guitar isn’t that hard to fake provided you master picking fast and good pitch on bends. To play Steve Vai, you’d have to match his regimen of 23 daily practice hours; for the following face-melters — ear-friendly, multi-leveled solos every one — all that’s required is like 23 total minutes. Let’s call it the Hammett Workout. Not everybody is “Under A Glass Moon” material, but just approximate these imprecise, jabby solos and I swear you’ll look cool! Check it:

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Andy McCoy, one of the founding members of Hanoi Rocks, wrote a book. In 2008. [Our own Corey Mitchell reviewed it in 2010. - Ed.] I read it pretty recently as it came to me with a bunch of Christmas/Hannukah/New Year’s loot. My family doesn’t celebrate anything, so we basically give each other presents because the year is over. Yeah, I don’t know. We put up a tree, too.

Anyway, I kind of dropped the ball on Andy, and that’s kind of a recurring thing these days, because every once in a while I get caught up on that “having a life thing.” I did finally read it, though, and I quite enjoyed it. To an extent. Now, I love books. Reading = fun times for me. I usually have three or four books I’m juggling and one of them is almost always a music biography. But Sherriff McCoy; Outlaw Legend of Hanoi Rocks goes on the pile of band books that really could’ve used a good edit.

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Round Two of Heavy Metal Blunders brings us, who else? Vince Neil! Yes, the official MS Mansion punching monkey got shipped off to the can last week. At this point, I don’t really care. But I did get a chuckle out of his girlfriend, Alicia Jacobs, who was concerned for her bank account, err… boyfriend. Jacobs claimed Neil was “not eating much other than peanut butter, Doritos and stuff like that. He had a baloney sandwich one day. It’s not optimal conditions.” I wonder what Razzle thinks about dem apples?

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Back in December 2008, Ozzy Osbourne’s manager-wife Sharon hosted the reunion special of VH1′s Rock of Love Charm School and was being her usual unjustifiably smug self. But then RoL girl/giga-fox Megan Hauserman (above left) took the stage and had the nerve to return-volley each of Sharon’s old lady sour-grapes insults — culminating in a fist-pumpingly astute observation that Sharon’s only claim to fame is shepherding a sad drug casualty to creatively dubious solo success — at which point Sharon “doused Hauserman with her drink,” “punch[ed] and grabb[ed] her by the hair and refus[ed] to let go,” and “scratch[ed] her.” Three months later, Hauserman formally filed suit against Sharon for battery, negligence, and infliction of emotional distress.

The case was finally headed for court today — nearly two years after the filing — but then the parties reached a settlement Monday. It seems that part of the deal is non-disclosure of its terms, but two separate big-shot legal professionals I know each kinda conjectured to me that Sharon’s strategy likely was to wait for Hauserman to initiate settlement for a smaller amount in advance of the court date. But Hauserman doesn’t need quick cash ‘cuz she’s marrying a rich Italian hunk (as all babes should do), nor does it seem that Shosbourne holds any career leverage over her (or over anybody except for her kids, her manicurists, and Ozzy’s fleet of increasingly off-brand sidemen). So no dice. The concept of punitive damages is to ensure that even the very rich are held responsible for their wrongdoings; as such, it’s possible that Hauserman was awarded a sum large enough to be able to move me into a house opposite Osbourne’s from which I could moon, curse, and otherwise taunt Sharon on a daily basis. ‘Cuz fuck her.

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In 1968, Gary Moore (above, top left) was just 16 years old when he joined future Thin Lizzy frontman Phil Lynott in the Dublin blues-rock quartet Skid Row*. So, Moore was a charter member of the Society of Overachieving Teen Guitarists that would later include Steve Vai (19, Frank Zappa), Zakk Wylde (19, Ozzy Osbourne), and Devin Townsend (19, Steve Vai). Pretty elite company.

After a pair of short stints in Thin Lizzy, Moore again reunited with Lynott in 1979 for the band’s seminal Black Rose: A Rock Legend (see Axl Rose’s Black Rose-themed tattoo here, upper left). More than twenty solo albums followed, including 2008’s Bad For You Baby.

British tabloid The Sun reports that Moore, 58, was discovered unresponsive by medical staff in a Spain hotel suite where there were “definite signs of alcohol.” The Sun also quotes a source at the hotel who has stated that Moore “seemed fine when he left [the hotel bar] around 11 pm.” A post mortem has been scheduled.

After the jump, check out the MetalSucks round up of tributes to Moore by members of Obituary, Opeth, Black Flag, Testament, Black Sabbath, and mo(o)re.

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As promised, last night’s Super Bowl saw the debut of a Best Buy commercial starring Justin Bieber and our favorite sexagenarian celebrity slut, Ozzy Osbourne (whose last product endorsement commercial was released less than a month ago). And the commercial actually turned out to be kinda funny. Not because of the lame jokes about how Ozzy doesn’t understand technology or how Bieber looks like a girl (although I appreciate the acknowledgement that Ozzy has no idea who Bieber is), but, rather, because of the simple but true implication that the Biebers of the world will soon usurp the Ozzys of the world as Lords of Whoring.

“Ozzy’s in the background!” a crew member complains from off-camera, making explicit that which we were all already thinking anyway; even though he’s a sad, dithering old man, the Ozz Man refuses to leave the set, not because he actually has anything to contribute, but because, goddamnit, he’s got crap to hock!

But Bieber nails it on the first take. He’s the guy who’s gonna be trying to sell you shit for the next however many years, until he’s finally out of touch himself, or the sun dies, whichever comes first. Someone thought to toss in the “Bieber looks like a girl” gag to make sure that the Zakk Wylde chapter of Mensa doesn’t get too offended — “Huh huh, yeah, Bieber’s a fag, huh huh!” — but the subtext of the ad isn’t even subtle.

-AR