MetalSucks

An oldie but a goodie, and highly worthy of a re-post for some much needed laughs today. Thanks @MePhilo!

-VN

Nerf Herder has nothing to do with metal, but their song “Pantera Fans In Love” is nothing if not entertaining. Thanks to MS Maniac / Roadrunner New Media Czar Jeremy Rosen for sending this one in.

-VN

So it’s a slow news day. I mean we’ve gotten some press releases but nothing really exciting.

So a-sniffin’ around YouTube I did go, and I found this pretty cool footage of Kerry King playing three songs with Pantera on two separate occasions.

First up is a rendition of “Raining Blood” from 1989.

Click to read more…

Cosmo Lee over at Invisible Oranges is on a Justin K. Broadrick kick this week. Lee says he doesn’t especially care for Broadrick’s more recent output, even if he loves the Broadrick of yore; I couldn’t disagree more, but, hey, I understand that Jesu ain’t for everyone.

In all honestly, Broadrick has been kind of untouchable in my mind. I’ve never heard him do anything I didn’t think was awesome – at least, not until now.

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Those rumors that have been floating around are apparently true: Hatebreed’s Jamey Jasta is working with Sebastian Bach on the latter’s new album. Blabbermouth reports that Jasta has said the following about the collaboration:

All the Skid Row/Bach fans need not worry; I am not trying to infuse a Hatebreed/Kingdom of Sorrow sound or style. I’m just hoping to write and produce a bunch of GREAT anthemic metal/rock songs for him. Think Painkiller-era Priest meets Vulgar Display of Power meets Slave To The Grind.

I think that Jasta has the right idea about what kind of album Baz should make – lest we forget, Skid Row and Pantera were tour mates once upon a time, and certainly the Priest/Skid direction doesn’t seem far-fetched – but I am not confident that Jasta is the man to make this happen (and I say that as someone who actually likes Hatebreed). As our pal Anso at Hipsters Out of Metal! notes, “if Jasta were able to pen material on par with Paaain!Killah!, Vulgar, [and] Slave (greatest hard rock album of all time?), I gotta ask: Why has he been holding this material back for a Sebastian Bach solo album that no one will hear?”

-AR

Today marks the 4th anniversary of the shooting of Darrell “Dimebag” Abbott. Rather than wax ecstatic about what an awesome dude Dime was, or bore you to tears with a story about where I was when I found out about the death, or rail about how fucked up it is that a musician’s life would end in such a manner or how fucked it is that Dime’s legacy has been raped and pillaged in the name of money by everyone with the means to do so (all these things are true… they’ve just been completely beat to shit in the media)… I’d like to post my favorite Pantera video of all-time (”Cowboys From Hell” live in Moscow, 1990) and invite you all to share your Dime stories — of any kind — with us in the comments.

R.I.P. Dime. The world lost a legend 4 years. Oh, what’s that… John Lennon also died on December 8th? All kidding aside, Dimebag is perhaps our metal generation’s John Lennon.

-VN

My first Fuck Rolling Stone post on metal singers was such a hit I thought I’d dig back into the RS archives and stir up some more shit. So, I decided to re-read their summertime list of the 100 Greatest Guitarists of All Time (also here).

Thankfully, there are a few metallic (but mostly rockish) noteworthy icons; however, extreme metal is woefully ignored. Nonetheless, the list did include Jimi Hendrix (#1), Jimmy Page (#9), Kirk Hammett (#11), Kurt Cobain (#12), Johnny Ramone (#16), Tom Morello (#26), Thurston Moore/Lee Ranaldo (Sonic Youth) (#33/#34), Joe Perry (#48), Ritchie Blackmore (#55), Vernon Reid (#66), Eddie Van Halen (#70), Adam Jones (Tool) (#75), D. Boon (The Minutemen) (#89), Glen Buxton (Alice Cooper) (#90), Wayne Kramer/Fred “Sonic” Smith (MC5) (#92/#93), Kevin Shields (My Bloody Valentine) (#95), Angus Young (#96), Leigh Stephens (Blue Cheer) (#98), Greg Ginn (Black Flag) (#99), and Kim Thayil (Soundgarden) (#100).

And, yet another reason why we here at the MetalSucks Mansion like to say “Fuck Rolling Stone!” — coming in at #86, TOMMY Iommi…yes, “TOMMY.” How the fuck do you not know the first name of one of the true legends of not only metal, but of rock guitars? Hmmmmmmmm….Please, clue me in.

IT’S TONY, YOU FUCKS!!!

Anyway, here is my stab at the best Metal Guitarists of All Time — and for a point of reference, my Old Fartness will be shining through here, as will my love for rhythm guitarists:

Click to read more…

Blame it on Fall Out Boy. Shortly after these emo butt dumplings covered Pantera, Madonna did the same only to be one-upped by Gym Class Heroes covering Lamb of God. Now, behold… Nickelback covering Metallica. As much as it pains me to say it, Chad Kroeger imitating James Hetfield actually sounds better than James Hetfield imitating James Hetfield in the year 2008.

-VN

[Thanks: Travis]

Billboard reports that Down aren’t even close to being done with their current touring cycle on last year’s Down III: Over the Under. The band is currently on the road in Europe supporting Metallica and headlining off-dates, from where bassist Rex Brown reports that Down “is all our priorities now,” and that the band has plans for a full spate of touring in 2009 as well as a new record shortly thereafter.

Though more Down is never bad, I’m not entirely convinced this news is such a good thing.

Click to read more…

The economy’s in the shitter and the sun is setting earlier and earlier every day. Still, there was reason to rejoice this week in the world of metal:

• The members of Twisted Sister are apparently now willing to “take it.”
• We interviewed Dani Filth of Cradle of Filth, Ronny Munroe of Metal Church, and Brian Fair of Overcast / Shadows Fall.
• Dallas raged against the McCain machine (as did the Foo Fighters). You raged against Dallas.
• Crikey! Scar Symmetry hire two new vocalists to take the place of one.
• Scars on Broadway call off their tour; we call bullshit.
• FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. And Fuck.
• Gojira got heavy in every sense of the word.
• Bam Bam Bigelow + Marty Jannetty = ’80s Vinnie Paul.

Sayonara suckers. See you next week.

-VN

-VN

[Thanks to Jesse for the astute observation.]

Revolver Magazine Editor-in-Chief Tom Beaujour has revealed in an interview with our chums at BITPOM.com that the magazine is planning an all-Pantera special edition issue for December, on the heels of their wildly successful and highly amusing all-Tool issue this past Spring.

If ever there’s another metal band that inspires as fervent a fan-base as Tool I’d think Pantera is certainly that band, and it makes perfect sense for Revolver to release a tribute issue. I’ll especially be looking forward to this one, as there is SO much to explore, especially in the way of new interviews with the remaining living band members — so long as the good folks at Revolver hold off on tacky Dime tributes (this topic has been beaten to death, deader than a dead horse fucking another dead horse in the bunghole) and so long as Rita Haney keeps her obnoxious trap shut. I’m also interested in seeing how much, if any, editorial space the magazine devotes to Pantera’s oft-ignored glam metal years.

Click to read more…

The below video, of a dance group called Spiritwo covering Sepultura’s “Inner Self,” was posted on Blabbermouth over the weekend. Now, I don’t wanna come off as one of those overzealous/undereducated Pantera fans who gets sand in his vagina just because Fall Out Boy covered “Walk” or Madonna played two bars of “A New Level” or MetalSucks points out that Phil Anselmo is a racist, but, seriously, the world’s Sepultura fans should all get together, track the lead singer of this band down, and cut her (and while you’re at it, do something about that fuckhead in the white dress). I mean, I’ve seen knife fights break out over the whole Max Cavalera versus Derrick Green thing, so this shit should definitely be cause for some neanderthal violence.

After the jump, wash the taste of piss, shit and cum out of your mouth by watching the actual video for the actual Sepultura performing the actual “Inner Self.”

Click to read more…

Am I the only one who finds it somewhat fitting and hilarious that Dean Guitars founder Dean Zelinsky has left the company he started in 1976 to launch his own company called DBZ Guitars? I mean, it’s as if he said, “I, too, am disappointed and shocked at the raping and pillaging of Dimebag Darrell’s legacy in the name of selling bucketloads of guitars under the guise of tribute. I’m outta here.” Touche.

-VN

When this video came out I thought it was pretty much the coolest thing ever. In retrospect the CG animations are really cheesy but still entertaining. As for the song, a little Sabbath never hurt anyone and this was a fine, fine version with that added Dimebag touch.

-VN

But hurry up, because you’ve only got 8 days left to bid. [via The Deciblog]

Things were a tad slow at the MetalSucks Mansion this week, whatwith a lot of the U.S. still on holiday — but between bong rips and acid trips we somehow still found time to post about some events that went on this week:

• David Lee Roth got pulled over for speeding as he was trying to rush to the hospital for an alleged allergic reaction to nuts; or did he?
• Thousands of dental hygienically challenged guys with mullets are running around Oklahoma wearing Ratt and Ozzy concert shirts from a quarter century ago are at the 2nd annual Rocklahoma festival.
• At the Gates returned to the U.S.
• Act like a Viking, win some cool Amon Amarth stuff!
• Tweeny pop band Gym Class Heroes covered Lamb of God, igniting almost as much controversy as Fall Out Boy covering Pantera.
• Opeth and Amon Amarth announced two amazing U.S. tour lineups.
• All Shall Perish released two new songs from their forthcoming album.
• Ozzy Osbourne decided to toss that last remaining shred of credibility out the window by announcing plans to launch a variety TV show.

Fall Out Boy covering Pantera, part deux: at a Warped Tour show recently, emo/pop/whatever tween sensations Gym Class Heroes played about a minute and a half of Lamb of God’s “Laid to Rest.” Somehow I think this actually might be kind of cool; everyone knows the chorus to “Walk” thanks to the corporate sodomization of Dimebag’s death, but Lamb of God? A bit more obscure, despite the Guitar Hero nod. Proof: the utter silence in the audience. Beautiful. Gym Class Heroes just earned some serious cred.

-VN

[Thanks: Metal Cracker]

From UrbanDictionary.com:

A sexual position in which one male pleasures four others by giving a blow job, taking it in the butt, and giving two hand jobs simultanesously, hence the flapping motion of said bird.

Hopefully Corrosion of Conformity did not have this in mind when they wrote their 1994 landmark single “Albatross.” Around that time there was a very short-lived radio station experiment here in NYC on Q104.3 (now classic rock) which billed itself as “Pure Rock,” and this song was a staple in the station’s brief time on the planet (along with Type O Negative, Pantera, and others. Can you even imagine?). Young Axl and I thought it was pretty much the coolest station ever. And it was.

-VN

Holy crap, dude. Did you hear about this awesome new tour? It’s gonna be rad, dude. It’s Desaster with Throwdown, Airbourne, and Trivium are the headliners. It’s called the “Close Your Eyes” tour, ’cause if you close your eyes, you’ll think you’re at some awesome show with Venom, Pantera, AC/DC and Metallica. For reals, dude!

What’s that, dude? Oh, you don’t know Desaster? Yeah, they’re these totally smart black metal dudes. Like, while those chumps in Sigh were off recording a tribute to Venom, this band just made an album that sounds exactly like Venom – and they don’t have to pay any of the royalties! I know, dude, it’s totally sick, isn’t? Totes sicko.

Cool, dude. So I’ll see you at the show. And, hey, did I mention the best part? Each ticket comes with a free blindfold! WICKED!

(one and a half out of five horns)

-AR