Art by Mike Capprotti

HOLY SHIT, YOU GUYS. DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THIS?!?!?

I always thought that Jesus was made-up, like Luke Skywalker, or evolution, but after reading this, I am getting my ass to a church to start some serious effing repenting.

The Gazette says that this weekend at a Godsmack show in Dubuque, Iowa, FUCKING DIMEBAG showed up and gave some poor Godsmack fan a lesson in manners by ripping out the motherfucker’s tracheotomy tube. HOLY CRAP THAT IS AWESOME.

Brad Kluesner says he was minding his own business in the front row at the concert. That’s when he says a stranger to him, Darrell Abbott, started bothering him.

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Deciblog scribe Jeanne Fury claims to have seen the above men’s bathing suit in a storefront window in Asbury Park, NJ this past weekend. Do we believe her? I’d liken this statement in high fashion to Sergeant D’s Burzum clothing line if not for the fact that it came from New Jersey, the arsehole of America, and from the Jersey Shore above all (yeah, that Jersey Shore).

I’ve never worn a banana-hammock bathing suit before (these days I like board shorts), but for this gem it might be worth having my package bundled up for all to see. Because we all need a little Vinnie Paul in our bunghole.

-VN

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Welcome to “Question of the Week,” a (not really at all) weekly debate amongst the MetalSucks staff regarding a recent hot button issue.

We haven’t done one one of these all summer, but we came up with a fun one for this week:

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME AND PLAY ANY METAL BAND/MUSICIAN SOME OF THEIR MUSIC AND/OR SHOW THEM PHOTOS/VIDEOS OF THEMSELVES FROM THEIR FUTURE (OUR PRESENT), WHO WOULD IT BE AND WHY?

The MS staff’s answers after the jump.

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Well, this is interesting.

Ex-White Zombie bassist and feminist rawk pioneer Sean Yseult recently posted a song called “Dawn of the Horrible Gorilla!” to her Soundcloud page — but it’s not a new Yseult solo jam, or a new song at all. Yseult explains:

“Dimebag Darrell, Sean Yseult and Philip Anselmo created this absurdity at 6am after a long night of drinking on a Pantera/White Zombie Tour in ’92. Recorded on Darrell’s 4-Track in his hotel room, the song was made up on the spot with Darrell on guitar (and drum machine) Sean on bass, and Phil singing. This comes from a cassette from Sean Yseult’s archives, never heard before!”

No shock given the circumstances under which it was made: the song isn’t really all that good. It’s also VERY 1992. That being said, it is a fun peek into what three young metal stars were doing with their free time — hey, you and me will never get drunk and record a song with Phil Anselmo, that’s for damn sure — and at this point, I think any long-lost Dime recordings are pretty valuable, no?

The track is not currently embeddable, but you can check it out here.

-AR

Thanks: Paul Bigue 

Have you ever noticed that the bands who metal nerds fawn over today were universally-despised rage magnets just a few short years ago? For example, trashing Pantera in 2011 is asking to get chased with torches and pitchforks — the polar opposite of 1993, when you would be hard-pressed to find a band that metal nerds hated more. Or how everybody jizzes over Suffocation now, but in the mid-90s you couldn’t read two pages of Metal Maniacs without someone pissing and moaning about “Suffoclones.” Are metal nerds crazy, or is there some rhyme and reason to their seemingly-contradictory behavior?? I believe that there is indeed a way to understand metal nerds, but it’s not what you might think!

Psychologists have long compared metal nerds to women. The similarities are certainly undeniable: like the fairer sex, they are fickle, emotional, and irrational. They even have long hair! However, my research suggests that, unlike women, they actually operate by a primitive form of logic and are highly predictable. After the break: my SCIENTIFIC MODEL OF METAL NERD PSYCHOLOGY, the FOUR KINDS OF METAL BANDS, and an exclusive METAL NERD CHEAT SHEET that reveals a foolproof formula for whether you should like a band or not!

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I pride myself on being open minded, so it is very important to me that I consider both sides of an issue before I decide what I think about something! For example, I have always thought that “melodic metal” was a very confusing idea. To me, melody and metal are like oil and water: no common ground. In fact, I have always thought of them as polar opposites — it was always my basic rule that if a song is melodic, then it is by definition not metal.

That said, I know that not everybody feels the same about this as I do, so I thought that I should look into this issue a little more. I don’t like to make snap judgments, so in the interest of intellectual honestly I intend to take a FAIR AND BALANCED LOOK at MELODY IN METAL! In this post, I will share a few examples of both successful and unsuccessful uses of melody and let YOU be the judge — WE REPORT, YOU DECIDE!

You tell me: is there a place for melody in metal????

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OMFG HE’S SO CUTE I JUST WANNA PUT HIS HEAD THROUGH THE FUCKING TABLE!!!!

-AR

[via Metal Injection]

Interview with Jimmy Bower about Down… by HecticCase

I don’t think this news is gonna come as a galloping shock to anyone, but at least now it’s official after nearly two months of speculation: Rex Brown will not be returning to Down. Drummer Jimmy Bower, also of the great Eyehategod (among other bands), confirmed it in a recent video interview with Metalchroniques.fr (above). Here’s his quote:

“We just wish him to find peace within himself and be healthy, and we weren’t seeing that for Down. We have Pat [Bruders] now. Pat’s playing bass. Pat’s from New Orleans. Makes sense. He plays with Crowbar as well.

“We love Rex to death, man, and wish him the best. He has a new project as well — Kill Devil Hill with Vinny Appice— and I know he’s having fun doing that. He gave Pat his blessing, so it was on a good term. But he will not be back.”

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It has literally been years since we’ve done a new edition of “Board to Death,” the column in which we make fun of people on internet message boards, because we’re nice people like that. But last night Ozzy Osbourne’s intern made this announcement on the Ozzfest Facebook page…

…and while I can’t for the life of me understand why anyone would care in light of the fact that there’s still The Rockstar Energy Drink Mayhem Festival featuring the Jagermeister Mobile Stage, Vans Warped Tour, The Rockstar Energy Drink Uproar Tour, Summer Slaughter, Slaughter Survivors, Slaughter Slaughter, The All Stars Tour, The Cool Tour (actually I don’t think that one is coming back but still), The Old People Doing Glam for the Sake of Nostalgia Tour, The Hellmann’s Dijon Mustard Extreme Grindcore Festival, and eighteen thousand other Ozzfests that aren’t called Ozzfest. But some people do care, and those people left inadvertently hilarious messages under this announcement.

I’m not gonna do screencaps for all of these, nor am I going to identify everyone by their full name, because it’s been seven whole days since someone last threatened to sue us and I’d like to see if we can make it as far as ten days. But obviously it would be very easy for you to just go to the aforementioned Facebook page and see who I’m talking about.

And on that note, here are some of my favorite comments…

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Remember the adorable video for Pantera’s “Cowbells Is My Name,” where they had those kids pretending to be the band? Well, “So Far Away,” the new video from Avenged Sevenfold (featuring the twenty-third best modern metal guitarist, Synyster Gates) is kinda like that, except it takes itself way, way, way seriously.

It also does not adhere to the rules of logic. Let’s see if we can try to figure this out:

• There are five kids, who presumably grow-up to be Avenged Sevenfold.
• In their garage while they rehearse, there are only four kids, apparently because M. Shadows wasn’t jamming with his friends at that point, or was excused from rehearsals since he’s the singer, or whatever.
• At both the :22 second mark and the 2:06 mark, four of the kids dissolve into the band today, including the kid who is clearly supposed to be The Rev. So, in other words, according to the world of this video, Kid The Rev  morphed into another band member prior to Adult The Rev passing away. Either that, or another member of the band used to play drums and then switched instruments, although that’s really not clear from this clip.
• Then, when the band is playing the song in the present in their rehearsal space or whatever the hell that room is supposed to be, there is no one playing drums, despite the fact that the song features drums. This is either meant to be a tribute to The Rev, or a message to current drummer Arin Ilejay that he’s not yet worthy of being in an Avenged Sevenfold music video.

I get that the band is trying to honor their fallen brother, but, really, this is just silly. And there was an easier-than-easy fix, too, which would have been to just have five kids, and when they dissolve into their adult versions, remove one of them. That would have made sense, and it would have added an extra sense of melancholy to the proceedings. But I guess that would have taken too much thought on director Wayne Isham’s part.

Good song, though.

Teenagers are always doing stupid, embarrassing shit in public, especially the ones who listen to metal. One of the most popular (and potentially humiliating) things a kid can do is enter their high school’s talent show, in particular if they make the mistake of playing a metal song in hopes of impressing their peers. For example, when I was in 9th or 10th grade, I was in a horrible band that played a Black Flag song in front of our school. Nobody thought it was cool, they just laughed at us. Thank god Youtube didn’t exist then, like it does for these dumb kids who embarrassed themselves by trying to be cool in front of their peers.

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Rex Brown is not participating in Down’s current tour, and this interview seems to suggest that he’s never coming back to the band. And so, in an effort to get some clarification, The Delaware County Daily Times, your leading source for rock and metal news, decided to ask Down’s Pepper Keenan outright whether or not Brown is still Down. His answer?

“I don’t know what to really say on that; he’s not out of the band, but he’s not playing with us live.”

Well, that’s reassuring!

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No, seriously — COREY AND ANSO FUCKING KILLED IT THIS WEEK while we were at the Golden Gods, didn’t they? I’m still catching up, but I’ve been getting a serious boner from reading all the shit I didn’t write this week. Some of my favorite pieces that neither Vince nor myself had anything to do with:

• Phil Anselmo’s thoughts on weed, and, oh yeah, Corey’s update on the progress of Mr. Anselmo’s book.
• This awesome interview with Hate Eternal’s Erik Rutan. (Okay this one I actually had a little to do with, but Anso did the heavy lifting.)
• Mike IX Williams from EyeHateGod/Arson Anthem/Drip/Crawlspace/Outlaw Order’s thoughts on being underground and unsigned.
• Anso’s mourning for the loss of Nevermore.
• Corey’s analysis of the Columbine massacre on its twelfth anniversary.
• Anso’s assertion that Nicko McBrain wants to fuck Lady Gaga.
• Corey’s wrangling of about a million cool metal folk to give their thoughts on weed, too.
• Anso’s decisions to let his hatred for Kiss flow.
• Corey’s coverage of K.K. Downing’s retirement from Judas Priest.
• Anso’s coverage of Dream Theater’s ongoing search for a new drummer.

Unfortunately for all of you, Vince and I are now back full-time, and you’ll be stuck with us all next week. See ya then.

-AR

Weed is an awesome so-called “drug”, but it’s NOT for everyone. And throughout certain periods of my life, it’s been that way for me too. Growing up it was fun and my friends and i smoked a whole lot (!) whilst jamming…but somewhere in my mid-twenties, it would/could make me paranoid and uncomfortable in my own skin, so I didn’t/wouldn’t partake as often.

As some of you guys may or may not know, I am currently working with Philip H. Anselmo on his autobiography. In fact, the questions I get asked most often these days are, “How’s that book with Phil coming along?” or “When’s Phil’s book coming out?” or “What’s it like working with Phil?”

I can happily inform you that, though it is a slow process, Philip’s book is going to kick major fuckin’ ass!

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Photo by Alison Webster

This month, brutal death metal trio Hate Eternal, led by producer/guitarist Erik Rutan, has been at the center of a pitched battle between MS co-lord Axl Rosenberg and MS writer-at-large Anso DF. The conflict? Is Hate Eternal’s forthcoming Phoenix Amongst The Ashes record awesomely killer (per Axl) or is it insanely ripping (per Anso)? Does it fuck the face and slam the nutz (Anso) or does it render each listener “so fucking happy to be alive” (Axl)? Can its production and performances better be described as a high watermark of contemporary metal (Axl) or as a gift from another realm to every living music listener (Anso)? Is Phoenix a shoo-in for metal album of the year (Axl) or does it crush every other record on earth (Anso)?

Welcome to our love war.

When the time came to phone up Rutan for a discussion of Phoenix and other Hate Eternal affairs, we at MetalSucks opted to settle this battle of agreement with an interview conducted by both Axl Rosenberg and Anso DF. Unsurprisingly, Rutan took on the task with good humor and ease, only succumbing to confusion at times when Axl and Anso simultaneously rushed to hail Phoenix and its predecessor Fury & Flames. In its unexpurgated glory, we present our very special double-team interview of the great Erik Rutan.

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I regularly lord it over everybody that I attended the final Pantera show ever! It 2001 at the inaugural Beast Feast two-day jam in Yokohama, Japan, also headlined by Slayer, Sepultura, and Machine Head. But by Pantera’s fest-closing set on day two, I was hardly in command of my senses because A.) drugs; and B.) late-night Skinless. See, for the truly metal and/or too high to find the train station, Beast Feast had an overnight gig nearby that bridged days one and two. And Skinless, taking the stage after the great Taiho, absolutely owned that show! They ripped! They raged! They rippaged! Memories.

So it sucks baboon balls to hear this bunch of boner-breaking jive from Skinless honcho Noah Carpenter:

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Long-time readers of MetalSucks are fully aware of my lifelong obsession with Mötley Crüe. Okay, it was more like a two-year love affair, at least until I discovered Terry Glaze-fronted Pantera, Metallica, and the English Dogs.

I have ruined any chances of running for public office by openly displaying my dress-up capabilities as both Vince Neil and Nikki Sixx on this wonderful publication. I have reviewed the band’s concerts here, as well as their books (and books, and books).

My pathetic one-sided man crush was shattered on December 8, 1984, when lead singer Vince Neil vehicularly manslaughtered 24-year-old Hanoi Rocks drummer Nicholas “Razzle” Dingley, while driving his Pantera to a liquor store in Redondo Beach, California, to pick up some booze. Interestingly enough, that was the same exact moment the band’s music began to completely suck. Hard.

That brings us to modern day Mötley Crüe and their upcoming co-headlining summer tour with metal stalwarts Poison **hack** and glam rock pioneers the New York Dolls. According to Blabbermouth, Crüe bassist and de facto leader Nikki Sixx claims that the band’s fans “demanded” that they take Poison out on the road. MetalSucks co-head honcho Axl Rosenberg, of course, is much wiser than Sixx gives him credit.

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I love that “Tour Of Italy” sampler at Olive Garden where you get one of all their different appetizers!! I usually end up eating all the Parmesan Calamari Fritters first and being so full I can barely even get to the Tuscan Eggplant Fingers, but the point is that variety is the spice of life. I mean all of their appetizers are so good, how can you pick just one??? Each one is delicious in its own way, and the best way to enjoy them is by having a little bit of everything. And what is the only thing as varied, delicious and universally loved as Olive Garden? That’s right: fucking BREAKDOWNS!

Like the Tour Of Italy, there are a million different kinds of breakdowns, and they are all awesome in their own way. No single genre has a monopoly on it: there are breakdowns in pretty much every kind of music, and they all go hard. I think it’s a beautiful testament to how music brings us all together that whether you are into punk, hardcore, metal or whatever, we can all agree that breakdowns are the best part of every song!

In this post, I will share some of the greatest breakdowns throughout history, like the Tour Of Italy, only for moshing. It is far from a comprehensive list, just a sampler to get the conversation started. Check these out, post your favorite breakdowns in the comments, and help us answer the one of life’s big questions: what is THE BEST BREAKDOWN OF ALL TIME???

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If you don’t know who Bobzilla is, here’s the quick version of his resumé: he was the bassist in Damageplan with Dimebag and Vinnie Paul, and now he’s the bassist in Hellyeah. In other words, he has a history of working with members of Pantera in bands that aren’t nearly as good as Pantera was.

So. Yesterday, we got the following e-mail from an anonymous reader:

“BOB ZILLA’S NEW BAND ORPHANED TO HATRED HAS GOTTEN THE THUMBS UP FROM VINNIE PAUL HIMSELF! THEY JUST RELEASED A SONG OFF OF THE UPCOMING ALBUM MASTERED BY VULGAR’S HOWIE WEINBERG AND MIXED BY LONG TIME PANTERA ENGINEER STERLING WINFIELD!”

So first of all… Yeah, no shit “Vinnie Paul himself” gave Orphaned to Hatred the thumbs up. What’s he gonna do, say his own bandmate’s side project sucks? So that endorsement means about as much as one from Bobzilla’s mommy.

Second of all… I was immediately weary of Orphaned to Hatred’s apparent desire to exploit their Pantera connection, especially because that connection really isn’t all that strong — I mean, I had about as much to do with Pantera as Bobzilla did. Seriously. Maybe he knew those dudes and I didn’t, but neither of us were in the band, and we both probably purchased approximately the same amount of CDs, merch, etc.

But then I went to check out the band on their Facebook page, and I saw the below image, and that’s when I got really, really cranky:

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