Reader John Schwarz alerted us to the existence of the Epicenter Festival, and if you told me that the show’s bookers designed it specifically to make sure that no one from MetalSucks attended, well, I’d believe it. Look at this shitfest:

There are a handful of insanely popular, maddeningly terrible modern rock acts not on the bill — Nickelback, Korn, Linkin Park, Godsmack, Creed, and Hinder all come to mind — which is too bad, because if they were playing this fest, we’d be like one major earthquake away from being done with some of the worst bands in the history of sound. The only good news about this thing’s existence is that it has made me aware of several awful bands I didn’t previously know, so that now if anyone is ever like “Hey, wanna check out Skillet?”, I can respond, “Couldn’t you just hammer a rusty nail into my penis instead?”

-AR

Since Axl and I are very patriotic types (couldn’t you tell?) we’ve decide to close the Mansion a bit early this holiday weekend so we can get to the flag-waving festivities as soon as possible.

Kidding! We’re closing early so we can get hiiiiigh and then go see FAITH NO FUCKING MORE! Neither one of us having seen FNM before (although I had a chance to in 1997 and, for some reason, didn’t), we’ve literally been waiting for this moment for most of our lives. We will not be schmoozing with the industry types at a bar in the back, nor will we be politely bobbing our heads on the periphery somewhere… we’ll be right up fucking front, rocking the fuck out as hard as possible (old fashioned push-pit? I hope). To that end, I’m pretty sure we won’t even be drinking tonight; me because I want to remember this night perfectly, and Axl because he doesn’t wanna have to go pee-pee during the show. The man is smart, I tell you.

Here’s what happened this week in the world of metal:

• Van Halen announced plans for a DLR-fronted album in early 2011. Axl is — shockingly — skeptical.
• As part of “Be Nice Day” at the MS Mansion, we said nothing mean about new videos from Hellyeah and Papa Roach.
• We looked at new releases by Bonded by Blood (as part of “Be Nice Day”!), Ceremony and The Ghost Inside, Mastodon, Chambers, and Nattsol.
• We premiered a new track by NJ progressive post-hardcore mind-fuckers East of the Wall.
• We spoke with Warrel Dane of Nevermore and Sanctuary, and Jon Fine about Taco Riffs.
• We sat in on the meeting in which Disturbed brainstormed the artwork for their new album.
• Glenn Danzig is a crappy driver, but Vince Neil is an even crappier one.

Since July 4th falls on a Sunday this year, the gates of the Mansion will be shuttered on Monday, July 5th — like most U.S. businesses — so we can extend the partying by an extra day. See you Tuesday, Suckers.

-VN

I did not realize that Papa Roach were still around. Good for them! They have fans and sell records and have a career. I am sure that they are very happy about that.

They have a new video, too: “Kick in the Teeth.” And it really looks like they’re performing the song in the clip! If you didn’t know that bands lip sync in music videos, you’d probably be totally fooled by this. I don’t know if Coby Dick is just really good at moving his mouth in time with the sound of his own voice, or if the editor was just really talented, but bravo to whomever is responsible for making sure that everything matched up correctly. They did a very good job!

Also, the image is in focus! So I commend the camera crew, as well.

-AR

As managing editor of Decibel, Andrew Bonazelli makes your life better each and every month by helping to give you an outlet to discover awesome new music, learn what your favorite bands are up to, sound more intelligent to your friends by plagiarizing opinions that aren’t your own, and have something to read in the bathroom.

Now, with the release of his second short novel, A Regular – the first literary endeavor from Vitriol Records, the label founded by Justin Smith of Graf Orlock/Ghostlimb/Dangers fame — Bonazelli has enriched your life even further, giving you something smaller and more portable to read in the bathroom. Bonus: the book also happens to be really, really good. Here’s a description from the publisher:

“A morose barfly drowns his misguided affection for barely legal trollops in crossword puzzles and wells whiskey. But Murray Baron isn’t just a regular at Seattle dive haven the Kapital — he exists in the bar in perpetuity, days and weeks bleeding formlessly into one another, punctuated only by cock-crushingly banal conversation. When he finally literally unseats himself to save a friend’s life, the decision ignites a series of overlapping absurdist confrontations straight from the id of a 12-year-old. Murray’s fate seems to have been halved into either suffocating barstool inertia or outlandish hyperactive lunacy, and only a highly dubious psychic can help him revisit the pivotal adolescent event that put him in this very literal state of arrested development.”

And if that doesn’t entice you, please be aware that the story also features a robot called “The Eraditroid.”

Awesome. Simply awesome.

After the jump, get the author’s thoughts on why metalheads should care about his book, how Linkin Park and Dennis Cooper have inspired his writing, releasing a novel through a record label, and willfully farting in public. (It’ll make sense if you read the book.) Plus, get a free excerpt from A Regular, so you can have a little taste of how great it is…

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A reader known only as “Jonas” sent us the below video of 55 Escape, a Norwegian band whose biggest influences seem to be Korn and Linkin Park, not Enslaved and Immortal.

Here’s why I find this band kind of interesting. (And moving forward, please be aware that “interesting” and “good” are not the same word.) When you think about it for a second, nu-metal seems to be a predominantly American phenomenon. Off the top of my head, I’m having a hard time even naming a nu-metal band from any part of Europe, never mind Norway. Jeff Killed John were British, but they didn’t get famous ’til they swapped the nu for core and rechristened themselves Bullet for My Valentine. Am I forgetting a really, really obvious band? Korn, Limp Bizkit, Linkin Park, Disturbed, Godsmack, Evanescence, Staind, Static-X, Creed, Hed P.E., Snot, P.O.D., Puddle of Mudd, Drowning Pool, Saliva, Coal Chamber, Methods of Mayhem, 40 Below Summer, Sevendust, Ill Nino, Dope, Papa Roach, Soil, The Union Undergound… ALL AMERICAN. What the hell? No wonder the terrorists hate us.

Anyway, thanks to these sperm clots for doing their part in making America look good. Hoo-rah.

-AR

The infamous Now That’s What They Call Music comp, now it’s thirtieth iteration (!), will never stop selling. Nor will Hannah Montana. Given, it’s tough for any true metal band to crack the Billboard 200, but Mastodon did just once again that by notching a #11 debut with Crack the Skye, beat out metal-wise only by Papa Roach (ugh). Elsewhere, we got some surprises from Chris Cornell, Twiztid (!?) and others. Sales figures for those and other notable hard rock and metal releases after the jump.

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Remember when Papa Roach front dude Jacoby Shaddix was calling himself “Coby Dick?” Jesus fucking Christ.

ANYWAY, coming from this band, I would’ve assumed a song called “Hollywood Whore” would be autobiographical, perhaps telling the story of four not especially talented dudes who maintain a steady career in the music biz by aping whatever trend is hot at the moment. Instead, it’s the kind of pop metal portrait of scuzzy life on the Strip that Nikki Sixx specializes in, only without all that “really catchy” baggage. And those lyrics? Oh. My. Gawd. I’m so sure that Paris Hilton is, like, so totally offended.

Wowza. Check out the auto-tune on those backing vocals.

-AR

No booze at a Motley fucking Crue show? Jesus fucking Christ. That must be like having sex with a condom made of nails.

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As the southern shores of the Texas coast were being relentlessly hammered by Hurricane Dolly, a storm of a different sort slammed its way into the Alamo City last Wednesday. Maybe those long traffic lines heading out of Padre Island earlier in the week were actually Crue fans making their way to San Antonio to catch the first annual Cruefest featuring Trapt, Sixx AM, Papa Roach, Buckcherry, and that notorious whirlwind of destruction known as Motley Crue.

It would be the first time for this Old Fart to witness the Crue since their glory days of corpsepaint and titties known as the Shout at the Devil tour way back in 1983. (See Dorks Love Metal! for more hilarity.) I had fallen out of man-love with the band right around the Dr. Feelgood-era so I was not really sure if I would enjoy myself or not. I am happy to report: CRUE FUCKIN’ ROCKS!!

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So the new Motley Crue album has a release date; Saints of Los Angeles (listen to the title track and first single at Motley’s MySpace and watch the video here) will hit the shelves on June 17th on the band’s own Motley Records. As expected, the band announced in a press conference yesterday that they will embark on a 40-date U.S. Amphitheater tour dubbed Cruefest, also featuring Buckcherry, Papa Roach, Trapt and Sixx A.M. Two of those bands make me puke; you decide which.

From what I can tell there was no mention of the rumors that Crue signed a $100-$150 million all-encompassing deal with touring giants Live Nation.

The new album is supposedly a concept piece following the same storyline as the band’s best-selling memoir The Dirt, a book which probably ranks among my Top 5 reads ever (seriously!). Will Sixx be able to strike lightning twice, having already released a concept album in 2007 about his own struggles with addiction, or is the new album just an excuse to tour that will suck and be completely irrelevant?