MetalSucks

Vince and I are not in the MetalSucks Mansion right now. In fact, we haven’t been here most of the day. You’ve been reading stories we wrote earlier in the day and then auto-programmed to publish at their allotted times. Isn’t technology swell?

Why aren’t we working on the site right now, you ask? ‘Cause it’s Passover, that most metal of Jewish holidays. How metal? Why, Metallica wrote a song about it, of course!

So thanks to our pal Anton OyVey and his totally excellent blog, Bacon Jew (”I’m a Jew and I Love Bacon!”), for a) expressing our shared dread of spending too much time with our families (I don’t give a fuck who is still technically the youngest, I ain’t asking no more fucking questions), and b) posting this clip of Metallica performing said Passover classic on their Cunning Stunts DVD.

And if you don’t understand what “Creeping Death” has to do with Passover, head over to Bacon Jew to read the lyrics!

-AR

So, for those of you who might not know any Jews (read: those of you outside New York City), this weekend marked the beginning of Passover, the Jewish holiday celebrating the exodus of the Jews from slavery in Egypt (for you Christians… you might recognize the story from the Exodus section of that neat little book called The Bible). As you contemplate not eating any bread for a week, we contemplate the 10 Plagues — those most metal of punishments doled by God unto the evil Egyptians — and their metal-inspired counterparts.

1. Blood: God transformed the water in the Nile River into a river of blood for 7 days, causing the death of fish and leaving the Egyptians with undrinkable water. This one is obvious: Slayer’s “Raining Blood”! Awesome live footage.

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2. Frogs: God created a swarm of frogs that came up out of the Nile river and covered the land of Egypt, infesting Egyptian houses. Toads aren’t quite Frogs, but the Toadies do it for me.

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Thanks to the illustrious “metalgf” for her help with these posts. Stay tuned for tomorrow’s plagues.

-VN