Friday, August 21st, 2009 at 4:16pm by Axl Rosenberg
I love Metal Insider’s Bram Teitelman so much right now I could kiss him on his Quaker Jewish mouth right now (And no, I’m not kidding. And, oddly enough, Teitelman is the second Quaker Jew I’ve known. Bizarre.). See, Bram noticed what the rest of us failed to – that the riff from the new Kiss song, “Modern Day Who Gives a Fuck,” is more or less a total rip-off of The Sword’s Freya.
Think Bram is wrong? Listent to both and decide for yourself.
Friday, June 6th, 2008 at 11:43am by Axl Rosenberg
There’s no such thing as a war between art and commerce – or, at least, there isn’t anymore. Commerce kicked art’s ass all up and down the street, and now you have Chuck Close selling shirts at The Gap, an American film industry that is interested in making little product besides sequels and remakes… and now KI$$ are making plans to continue their “brand” with four entirely new members (see video below), so that Chaim Witz and Stanley Harvey Eisen can have an even better retirement package than the one already provided for them by album royalties (including approximately 2,376,893 greatest hits collections, allegedly-but-not-really live albums, and box sets), concert revenue, clothing sales, comic book tie-ins, horrible movies and cartoons, reality television programs, acting and voice-over work, books, DVDs and videos, games and toys, Kiss condoms, Halloween costumes, trading cards, incense, bedding, furniture, instrument endorsements, kitchenware, calendars, and, oh yeah, the single stupidest piece of merchandising in the history of stupid merchandising. (For a complete list of every fucktarted piece of shit anyone has ever made or purchased in the name of KI$$, click here).
You have to wonder with asshairs like this: isn’t there such a thing as “enough” money? I’m not so naive as to think that art shouldn’t be a business at all, but do Paul and Gene really need that extra few million dollars? Mightn’t they take a look around their mansions and say to themselves, “Hey, you know what? We’ve sold millions of records, made millions of dollars, influenced practically every rock musician who came after us in some capacity or another, fucked hundreds of gorgeous women, and pretty much ensured that our families will never want for everything… maybe, as I grow closer to death, I’ll keep my legacy in mind and I’ll at least PRETEND I actually care about music and not devalue it by making it a commodity that has nothing to do with art by shitting all over whatever is left of my good name by actively participating in turning my band into Menudo? Especially in a world where young bands that probably looked up to me when they were kids are on the verge of breaking up due to financial issues, to say nothing of the terrible poverty that afflicts so many other people throughout the world – can’t I just be grateful for my blessings and not act like a total cocksucking piece of dog shit?”
If I was an anti-Semite, Gene and Paul would be the examples I used to recruit teenage skinheads. I hope someone makes them watch while their families are dropped in boiling acid before gouging their eyes out so it’s the last thing they ever see, then cutting their dicks off so they can’t even take solace in the bed of a willing groupie. But I’d settle for an IRS audit resulting in these two smegma stains getting Wesley Snipe’d.
Monday, October 15th, 2007 at 2:43pm by Vince Neilstein
In the ever-growing empire of products to which uber-product whore Gene Simmons has attached his name, we present to you the brand new Kiss Toothbrush, which plays “Rock and Roll All Night” as the would-be brusher brushes their teeth.
According to a report, the song lasts for two minutes, meaning it essentially acts as a timer to keep your kids brushing. “And keeping a child brushing longer increases the odds that he or she will hit all the surfaces of the teeth. In one 2005 British study, kids spent about two minutes in the bathroom for tooth brushing, but most of the time the brushes weren’t even inside their mouths. They spent 10 seconds brushing the front teeth, 13 seconds on the back teeth…and 30 seconds biting the brush and sucking water out of it.”
Good to know that future generations of young ones will be rocking and rolling all night… or at least for two minutes. This one is definitely going on Uncle Vince’s Chanukah list.
