When I am not trolling simple-minded, entry-level elitists, I enjoy the soothing, dulcet tones of some classic thrash or death metal. I am definitely not any kind of metal encyclopedia or authority on the subject, but I have realized that (sadly) I’m old enough to have heard a few bands that many younger metal fans have not, just because I have been exposed to a lot of bands over the years — sort of like an ancient desert tortoise who is not a historian, but has seen history unfold before his eyes simply because he is old as fuck. Because I enjoy giving back to my community, I will share some of my favorite older bands in case any of you might like them. If you want to hate on me, that’s OK, too, so feel free to tell me I’m a poser, that everybody already knows about these bands, that I got some trivial detail wrong, or whatever else you think makes you “sound like u rly know what ur talking about.”

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You may remember that last summer, Malevolent Creation guitarist Phil Fasciana claimed to have prevented a convenience store robbery by shooting the perpetrator in the face; he also claimed — and this was really the best part of his story — that the shop’s owner rewarded this mitzvah by offering him a free lifetime supply of chocolate milk. ‘Cause we all know that chocolate milk is what a man’s life is worth. Remember at the end of Die Hard, when John McClane saves the day, and his wife is all, “Oh, John, let’s make-up,” and he shoves her aside and goes, “No, just gimme my chocolate milk, bitch?” ‘Cause that’s just how shit like that goes down in real life.

You may also remember the shock we all felt when this highly plausible story turned out to be complete bullshit, and the heartbreak that ensued after Fasciana lashed out at interwebz dorks like us, insisting the story was true and telling webernet readers, “Get out of the house and maybe someone will try robbing and shooting you one day!!!!” Which is the reason I haven’t actually ventured outdoors since then; I’m just, like, super-afraid of becoming some chocolate milk fiend’s target, y’know?

And, hey, guess what? Looks Fasciana is acting like a nut case again!

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Our friend Amy Sciarretto from Noisecreep reports that Birmingham City University (in England, not Alabama) is naming an award after everyone’s favorite heavy metal grandpa: the Ozzy Osbourne Development Award “will be bestowed upon the student that makes the most significant progress on their degree in the Media and Communication/Music Industry degree.” I assume that the Osbourne family donated a nice chunk of change to get the award named after him, but this doesn’t really make that much sense to me. For one thing, I don’t know if Ozzy has really shown any musical development in, oh, the last hundred years or so, and as much as I admire a lot of his past work, you’ll never convince me that the bulk of the credit doesn’t lie with his collaborators – especially given that the dude doesn’t actually play an instrument. And beyond that, fuck has Ozzy got to do with media and communication? If we’re talking about his work with various reality shows and what have you, well, then, shouldn’t the award be named after Sharon, since we have her to thank for Ozzy’s wonderful non-music endeavors.

But whatever. This piece of news got me thinking: what other awards could we name after heavy metal musicians? And so, after the jump, my suggestions for new university kudos monikered in honor of various other members of the heavy metal community.

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He’d have to be to sign on as the producer of the new Malevolent Creation album. After all, doing so means risking getting shot in the face.

In case you don’t recall, MC guitarist Phil Fasciana claimed last summer that he was a big hero after single-handedly stopping a convenience store robbery by shooting the perpetrator in the face. Accusations of the story being bullshit arose pretty quickly, and Fasciana responded by proving that he should never ever act as his own attorney.

Now Rutan – who has to be one of the most consistently inspiring forces in metal today – is set to start working in April on Malevolent Creation’s latest. While we pray he doesn’t piss off Fasciana and escapes with his grill intact, at least we know the new MC album will sound amazing.

No word on whether or not Rutan is being paid in chocolate milk.

-AR

This just in: Malevolent Creation’s Phil Fasciana is officially a douche turd.

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I don’t actually know very much about Malevolent Creation. For whatever reason, they just never came across my radar. I mean, I’ve heard of them, but I guess I never came to that point where a friend was like “Dude, check out this band!” or whatever, ’cause I never listened to them. I have no opinion about their music one way or the other.

But y’all have been e-mailing us all week about guitarist Phil Fasciana’s claim to Blabbermouth about being the next Bruce Willis n’ shit. In case you missed the whole story, Fasciana e-mailed “the CNN of heavy metal” and claimed to have kicked some ass and taken some names after walking in on a convenience store robbery in Ft. Lauderdale:

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