Does anyone happen to know if Fred Durst believes in Underpants Gnomes or anything like that? I ask because I’m starting to notice an amusing little pattern: the vocalists for truly, irredeemably moronic bands often seem to hold ridiculous conspiracy theories in high regard.  ’Cause first we learned that Frankie Palmeri from Emmure believes in UFOs and Bohemian Grove and shit like that, and now Korn’s Jonathan Davis has apparently written a song about how President Obama is a member of the Illuminati, a.k.a. “the bad guys from that one really bad Tom Hanks movie.”

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President-elect Barack Obama (FUCK YEAH MOTHERFUCKER!) has some tough challenges ahead of him, not the least of which being our deeply troubled economy. Today I learned of yet another victim of these hard times: Lars Ulrich.

Yes, this economic crisis adversely affects even millionaires with platinum-selling new albums, a fact made painfully clear with the sad news that Metallica’s beloved drummer has been forced to sell one of his prized Jean-Michel Basquiat paintings to bring in more currency with which to light his Cuban cigars and garish wallpaper in his many, many McMansions.

I think I speak for everyone here at Metalsucks when I say, “Suck it, Trebek!”

-GS