1) Be nicer to Sebastian Bach
2) Compare penis sizes with Tommy Lee
3) Hire Phil LaBonte as a vocal coach
4) Hire Billy Milano as a personal trainer
5) Hire Tripp Eisen as a baby sitter
6) Sleep with present-day Tawny Kitaen
7) Help Danzig clean up his motherfucking bricks, bitch
8) Listen to Ted Nugent talk about politics
9) Listen to Ted Nugent talk about romance
10) Listen to Ted Nugent talk about Ted Nugent

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I don’t think you can actually be a transvestite if you’re an Amazonian, but I don’t know how else to describe Helen L. Simmons, the incredibly tall, incredibly unattractive woman who married Def Leppard guitarist Phil Collen this past Friday.

Here’s a photo that will haunt your nightmares forever:

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Thanks to reader Steven Stamopoulos for reminding us that original Def Leppard guitarist Steve Clark died nineteen years ago today. That means that a significant portion of our readers weren’t even born yet when he died, which makes me feel old.

Clark’s death was tragic and a colossal waste of talent – the guy who was a terrible alcoholic who basically drank himself to death (with the aid of prescription meds) – but there’s no denying that he was a driving creative force behind the incredibly awesome pop metal Def Lep made in the 80s and early 90s. Before he died, he co-wrote about half the songs on 1992′s Adrenalize, which was basically the last worthwhile album the band ever made. The only things that really changed following Adrenalize‘s release was the absence of Clark and producer Mutt Lange, and I’d argue that both of those losses really, really hurt the band. (Anyone who tries to defend Vivian Campbell is a taint-licker.)

Here’s Clark a decade before his death, when Phil Collen wasn’t in the band yet, Joe Elliot was still blond, and Rick Allen still had both his arms . I love this song, and eat me if you don’t.

-AR

There are two kinds of people who watch cartoons:

1. Kids.
2. Stoners.

And I don’t think either one would be interested in a Def Leppard cartoon series that depicts “the five members of the group in a fictional, adventurous setting.” But that’s not going to stop the band from pitching one to the networks.

Let’s break down why this is a terrible idea.

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