What was once inconceivable is now a reality: A David Lee Roth-fronted Van Halen is set to release a new album! It took 28 years, a soul-crushing false start with Roth in 1996, the dumping of bassist/backing vocalist Michael Anthony, and a new label home, but A Different Kind Of Truth finally arrives today. However, a fair appraisal of Truth could be dicey: Fans might get swept up in the grand return of a pined-after loved one, while the indifferent can effortlessly cry foul at Truth‘s mining of 35 year-old material and at suspiciously deft Wolfgang Van Halen bass lines. And yet early reviews state that Truth is a remarkably authentic classic Van Halen experience.

Here’s what steps VH took to recapture that old magic:

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I love fun so I read Sergeant D.’s site Stuff You Will Hate and his MetalSucks column Green Eggs And Slam for the laughs (ask my 310 dudes re: my overuse of D.-isms “Please… Be Safe” and “That’s it I’m coming up there”). But the bonus has been this shocking amount of killer macho veincore jamz — by bands I’d normally ignore with a vigilance but can’t resist in the funny context of SYWH/GE+S.

Let’s review a few of my favorite finds from 2011!

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The ink is barely dry on Van Halen’s new record deal with Interscope. So, of course, it’s time to start speculating about the actual contents of the band’s new record, which will be their first with David Lee Roth in almost three decades, and their first with Fatty Ding Dongs Van Halen ever. And who better to speculate than Sammy Hagar, a dude who hasn’t been in the band in six years and hasn’t recorded with them in sixteen?

Hagar has never been shy about discussing his old band (although, in his defense, it’s obviously difficult to be a former member of one the biggest acts in rock history and not get asked about that group on a regular basis), and in a new interview with  Rolling Stone, the current Chickenfoot singer reveals that while the new Van Halen album will contain material none of us have heard before, that doesn’t mean it’s actually new:

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Hey check it out Van Halen news!!

• According to rumor, the band is divided into two camps: one exclusive to guys named Van Halen and the other populated by a sole Roth. And cooperation between the sides has been not awesome. Expected? Sure. Exaggerated? Prob. I only heard third-hand from the guys in Chickenfoot. You can set your watch to Sammy’s shit-talking I swear! Remember 1986?
• They have announced that the Grammy noms announcement press conference thingy will be the setting of a Van Halen performance, presumably of a new jam. If there is a more fitting venue for new music from gods like Van Halen, I don’t know of it. I do hope that charming Drake will be there. P.S. Release date please.
• The longtime Warner Bros act recently squashed an imminent deal with Columbia. Reports credit David Lee Roth with nixing the deal, alleging his preference is that VH signs with a closer-to-home label. So they just announced a new deal with Interscope (above), headed by Jimmy Iovine (above, in the hat) aka the mentor-type guy from last season’s American Idol. Huh I wonder if Diamond Dave wants Iovine to swipe him a certain somebody’s lucrative Idol gig? Wow, that’d be wild. Better watch your ass, Ryan Seacrest!

-ADF

Hipsters Out Of Metal! is the adventures of a smily ’80s metalhead all high in the srs internet world. 

Here’s a fun quote from a recent Sammy Hagar interview with Attention Deficit Delirium. Discussing the possibility of a reunion of the original Guns N’ Roses, Hagar says:

“They’ve proved it again and again and again that it ain’t [about] the money. They just don’t get along because Axl goes out for a lot less money with his version of Guns N’ Roses, and Slash goes out for a lot less money with Velvet Revolver or by himself. The amount of money they could make if they got it all back together, made a great record and toured the world would probably be as much as the Rolling Stones [get], and for them not to do it, it obviously ain’t about the money. Because they could do it. I would manage them. I’d be their manager and make sure they got the right deal from all the promoters. They could be the biggest band in the world if they wanted to.”

There’s three things I find funny about this statement:

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The challenge for tireless bullshitters like Nikki Sixx, Max Cavalera, Dave Mustaine, Steven Tyler, and Sammy Hagar is overcoming audience immunity. Know what I mean? With every distorted remembrance and self-aggrandizing observation, the shit-talker’s would-be customers (i.e. us) build a resistance to his line of artlessly cloaked sales-speak and attention-mongering. So the leg-puller succumbs to the tugging urge to ramp up the bullshit, to swing bigger and more wildly, in his quest for exposure for a crappy book, charmless side project, or half-assed clothing line. The result? Boldly false accusations, misremembered details, poorly-veiled disses, and … well, and everything Mustaine ever says. Bullshit.

Which is fine. Cuz we don’t admire musicians for their devotion to perspective and modesty (except Devin Townsend lovvvve youuuuuu). But in the case of Sixx, grand champion of public self-worship, it might be necessary to stage an intervention; the Motley Crue bassist, who spent a few years using heroin and a few decades telling the world about it, might lose a jaw bone for all his recent ShamWow-style jabbering about Crue albums that no one will buy (Saints of Los Angeles limped to gold sales status), his new photography book (lulz meet me in the quad later, stud), and the next tour to be ruined by fat-ass Vince Neil this summer with Poison. All that blabbing! His tongue must be raw with abrasions, his lips nearly flapped right off his face. He can’t stop and he needs help!

But I might be wrong. Shit, just maybe Sixx is speaking the truth and I can’t handle it. So when impartiality is key, when neutrality is a necessity, when there are cold, hard facts to be parsed from dumb, dishonest bullshit, we wheel in the always reliable MetalSucks Translate-Bot 3000. Time is of the essence if Sixx is to be saved from himself and, eventually, from gaffer-tape wielding music journalists. Go, Translate-Bot 3000, go! Click to read more…

Here’s an interesting excerpt from a recent interview with Sammy Hagar that was conducted by Forbes, your leading source for rock and metal news:

“I was asked at one time to be in Mötley Crüe. I was asked at one time to be in Pantera by their mangers. I was asked to be in Velvet Revolver when Scott Weiland quit and went back to the Stone Temple Pilots. I was waiting to be asked to be in Led Zeppelin to say no, since they were the greatest band on earth and no could replace Robert Plant. I was asked to be in Aerosmith and I said no. Certain bands and certain front man singers are more difficult to replace than others. Steven Tyler and that band have stayed together for forty years and you don’t to walk into something like that. They had one moment years ago, when they replaced Joe Smith, but it’s still always been Steven at the front of Aerosmith. You don’t replace that. When I came into Van Halen, it was easy because Dave wasn’t a great singer, but he was a good front man. In those times, I was selling out the same arena’s they were so it was like the combination of two forces and it worked but it’s a rare thing. We were all lucky that the fans accepted it and it got bigger. I would avoid bands that are going to break up pretty soon.”

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Sammy Hagar is a goofy dude, but for the open-hearted, there’s still much about The Red Rocker to admire. As was discussed on Tuesday, he’s successful at everything, a fact that debunks the myth of Hagar’s brainlessness; also, the guy is a good sport who understands what happens when a proud drunk publicly swears to interaction with space aliens. It’s gonna cause some disbelief and ribbing.

But he’s cool with it and will even participate in his own mocking, like he did Tuesday night when starring in a dramatic interpretation on Jimmy Kimmel Live! of his late-night extraterrestrial encounter (above). This good humor, too, makes Hagar seem sharp, as though he learned a lesson from his former bandmate Eddie Van Halen’s toothless paranoia and lack of perspective. Shit, if Eddie went on Kimmel, he’d reenact a midnight meeting with a Wolfgang-shaped lamp.

–ADF

It’s no secret that Sammy Hagar is no super-brain, but I read his interviews lest they include some sort of hint to his achievement of mega-wealth. How, I ask myself every payday, does a bimbo like Hagar fall assbackwards into riches so throughly and regularly? He sold 40 million albums with Van Halen alone; his tequila and cantina ventures regularly reroute cash from dummies into the Hagar coffers; he’s in the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame and one of his jamz reached American Idol last week; even his garage door opener business is a winner. What is his secret? It’s love! Hagar told The Onion:

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Zakk Wylde appeared on American Idol last night, accompanying contestant James Turbin on a cover of Sammy Hagar’s “Heavy Metal,” ’cause, I dunno, I guess he felt like he had too much cred left.

We’re not going to try and give you any actual detailed analysis of this blessed event, though, because, well… that’s why we have ”Idol Remains,” Anso DF’s stupefyingly entertaining weekly re-cap of the show! Anso suffers so we don’t have to… and, besides, his writing is far more enjoyable than the program itself. Just check out these rave reviews!

“‘Idol Remains’ make me sad I’m not actually on the show anymore :( :( :(”
-Paula Abdul

“‘Idol Remains’ is so good it, it makes me wish I could actually sing!”
-Phil LaBonte

“Where am I? Who’s talking? Hello? Is there anyone there?”
-Ozzy Osbourne

So what are you waiting for? Catch up on all of Anso’s “Idol Remains” here. His latest installment will run tomorrow afternoon!!!

Massive amounts of alcohol: Never responsible for altered memories or people saying stupid, insane shit.

So the thing is, Sammy Hagar seems like a swell fella — certainly much nicer than any of his former cohorts from Van Halen — and there was a time when I really enjoyed Van Hagar, and was able to view the (then-) two different VH eras in a kind of different-from-one-another-but-both-killer-in-their-own-way light. (“Poundcake” and “Runaround” from For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge actually still get my blood pumpin’.) But the Van Hagar albums have not aged very well, and Chickenfoot is certainly a total waste of resources. But, on the whole, I have nothing against Sammy Hagar.

Oh, yeah, except that he’s apparently crazy, and thinks he was abducted by aliens — multiple times. Mr. Not DLR tells MTV:

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One my least popular observations is that Eddie Van Halen’s progress as a guitar soloist was temporarily stunted by the wave of gooey acclaim that soaked him as early as 1978. Until the 1984 album, the newly 56-year old axeman seemed more focussed on wizardry and novel tricks than on crafting memorable solo passages, notwithstanding “Somebody Get Me A Doctor.” His skillz were always bonkers, but apparently good judgement arrived with the keyboards; that’s when he proceeded to rail off beautious leads to equal his unmatched chord choices and phrasing. Then came F.U.C.K., Balance, the departure of Sammy Hagar, the whole Gary Cherone thing, dementia, divorce, marriage, a reconciliation with singer David Lee Roth, a deconciliation with bassist Michael Anthony, the enlistment of Wolfgang “FD-D” Van Halen, and finally Thursday, the happiest day of my adult life thanks to producer John Shanks’ twitter:

Here we go kids … VH.

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Yesterday, Sergeant D. posted a Metal Edition of the classic parlor game Marry, Fuck, or Kill, and you guys responded, uh, enthusiastically, surprising no one. And because we’re equal opportunity offenders — don’t forget that this is the site which posts leaked naked pictures of women and men alike — we decided that today we should post a metal d00dz edition.

So we sat down with the Mansion’s resident feminist, Leyla Ford, and presented her with some hot metal d00dz for a new game of MFK. Check out the results after the jump…

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Kevin Dubrow is dead, and I think that most of us assumed he would take Quiet Riot (the seventh most-often-miscategorized-as-a-hair-metal-band of all time) with him to the grave. Those of us who did make that assumption, however, forgot that desperate times call for desperate measures, and an empty belly holds no room for dignity.

So Quiet Riot are re-forming.

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I had a blast when Vince and I saw the Van Halen/DLR reunion tour in 2007 — so much so that I actually considered forking over an obscene amount of money to go see the band on the second leg of the same tour, Fatty Ding Dongs Van Halen’s presence be damned. And yet, this rumor, first reported by VH fan site Van Halen News Desk, fills me with dread:

“It’s been a while since I reached out to one of my best sources of Van Halen info over the years, but it had to be done. And I got the information I was hoping for – independent confirmation from a long time source I trust that Van Halen are indeed working towards finishing recording of a long awaited new studio album with David Lee Roth, set for release sometime in the first half of 2011. A single is slated for release before the end of this year, but exact timing still remains very much up in the air. I’m told the relationship between Eddie and Dave remains as complex as ever, but there is a definite desire to get a new record completed.”

I have no doubt that this is really happening, ’cause, well, CHA-CHING! (And I have no doubt that “complex” is the nicest possible word you could use to describe the relationship between Diamond Dave and EVH — lest we forget, these two can’t even be in dressing rooms in close proximity to one another.) But why, if I had so much fun at the band’s concert, am I so terrified by the idea of a new Van Halen album?

Well, lemme ask you this: anybody remember “Can’t Get This Stuff No More” and “Me Wise Magic,” the VH/DLR reunion songs the band recorded for their 1996 greatest hits collection? Yeah, neither did I ’til I just re-listened to ‘em — and I actually bought that CD the day it came it out just for those songs alone (no illegal downloading in those days, kiddies).

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I get bummed out when a girl breaks up with me, but it’s kinda fun in a way, right? I just love that moment in the End of Relationship talk when the break-upper can no longer resist loudly listing my faults. Sure, most girls will attempt to execute the break-up humanely ,without telling me the reasons in explicit terms. But if needled, coerced, and (if all else fails) brow-beaten, any departing ladyfriend will be happy to smash through that veneer of kindness and read me the fucking riot act.

This is when I’m in my element, ’cause it’s hilarious to hear the exact same shit every time, like Groundhog Day or W.A.S.P. albums. The first complaint, accompanied by a chuckle, is usually a variation of “Dude, you’re quite stupid. Seriously.” The next is delivered with a bit of sensitivity, lest I lash out in denial: “Anso, you display persistent symptoms of [insert mental illness here]. Get help.” Then, in most cases, we move on to my more tangible failings: the pervasive vulgarity, the sociopath’s disregard for human life and rights of property, drugs, NBA mania, manipulation, hair rock fandom, paranoia, spitting, reckless driving, cheapness, violent sleepwalking, and everything else.

I’ve found that it makes a fun game to shout out the complaints as she’s saying them, followed by a “JINX! You owe me a Coke!” Sometimes, I can even harmonize if she and I agree in advance on a key. (Tip: Try Dm, the saddest of all keys.)

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“Black Sabbath,” the first song off the first album by Black Sabbath, Black Sabbath, perfectly drew up the blueprint for metal. It was gloomy, disturbing, and fucking HEAVY. It was music for outsiders, those ranging from annoyed to enraged at having to exist on the fringes of society because they were too fat/lanky/socially retarded to listen to Three Dog Night and get laid all the time. Eights years later — almost to the day — Van Halen released their eponymous debut. “Runnin’ With the Devil,” that album’s first song, is also heavy in its own right, but the near-decade length of time between the two couldn’t be more apparent. While its one-note bassline and massive riff was undeniably fucking great, it wasn’t dark anymore. In fact, it was kind of fun and incredibly catchy. It was pop music with heavy guitars.

Suddenly, things were different. Metal wasn’t frightening anymore, but a good time, and inviting. It wasn’t just for weird guys and bad girls, but for regular, well-adjusted guys and not-just-regular but pretty girls. Van Halen were unquestionably heavy on their debut, and the album was filled with songs that were not only catchy, but perhaps some of the best-crafted in rock thus far. It sold a shit-ton of copies, and metal slowly moved from being dangerous to being a blast for the better part of a decade.

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I just saw this dude out on the street:

It is one thing to like Sammy Hagar. It is another thing to wear his shirt when you’re clearly going out of your way to look like Sammy Hagar.

Just sayin’.

-AR

So, Chickenfoot released a new video last week. Chickenfoot of Hagar, Anthony, Satriani and Smith fame. Chickenfoot of selling over 49,000 albums (!!) during their album’s first week on the charts fame. Chickenfoot, recipients of a collective MetalSucks Haterade Mafia shrug. The video is basically just a collection of candid, studio, live performance and “goofing around” shots, which given the band’s makeup and selling points makes a whole lot of sense. And the fact that it’s so low budget is kind of refreshing, playing down the celebrity status of the band’s members. The perfect video for a ho-hum but serviceable rock song.

In other news, Eddie Van Halen is probably still saying Michael Anthony quit Van Halen and Michael Anthony is probably still saying he was kicked out. Same shit different day.

-VN

In case you’ve missed all 24,567 Blabbermouth posts over the past year and a half about them, Chickenfoot are a new supergroup featuring Joe Satriani, Michael Anthony, Sammy Hagar and Chad Smith. Looks cool on paper, but supergroups never seem to pan out they way they ought to, amirite? The problem always seems to be that supergroups are really going for it and trying to be taken seriously, a problem from which Chickenfoot shouldn’t suffer at all since each band member is a millionaire several times over from their respective day jobs. In other words, none of them need this; it’s just for shits and kicks.

So is it any good?

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