MetalSucks

First, let’s just talk about how we arrived at this place we currently find ourselves:

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”The most beautiful words in the English language aren’t ‘I love you’ but ‘It’s benign.’ ”
-Deconstructing Harry

The Osbournes: Reloaded variety show got cancelled after like half an episode, Sharon literally can’t give away tickets to Ozzfest anymore, and the only times the singer makes headlines anymore are when he’s suing someone or getting a new guitarist. Why the fucking fuck would anyone want to get into the Ozzy business right now?

Ask MTV. According to Dan Rodriguez at Metal Insider, their famed reality show, The Osbournes, is coming back, “this time focusing mostly on Kelly and her bizarre, 19 year-old, Powder-esque shithead of a fiancee.”

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Holy shit, what an exciting morning this is turning out to be.

So. As you may recall, Ozzy recently revealed that he was replacing Zakk Wylde, to which Wylde responded, in so many words: “Huh?”

Then, a few days later, Wylde upgraded his “Huh?” to a “It’s all good,” even though everything we’ve heard tells us that it is not all good.

And it isn’t. For the burly man from dirty Jerz is Zakk Denylde no more. He recently called in to a radio station in Eugene fucking Oregon, of all places, and when asked about the whole sitch with the Ozzman, responded thusly:

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-AR

[via Reign in Blonde]

First of all:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Second of all:

I just stepped out to grab some lunch (and no one tried to shoot me!), and when I returned to the mansion, my inbox was flooded with readers e-mailing to tell me about the following tweets from one Mr. Zakk Wylde:

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It was a short week, but despite Axl being under the weather and Vince gettin lucky in Kentucky, we still managed to get shit done around the ol’ Mansion, even without the help of our favoritest MS Mansion Monkey, Higgins:

• We’re making a list: we give you a hint, another hint and yet another hint. No, it’s got nothing to do with Jacob.
• Ozzy Sharon filed another ridiculous lawsuit, while Dillinger Escape Plan left Relapse Records sans-lawsuit.
• IWABO and Bloodbath released new videos.
• Killswitch Engage gave you a new song for free, we gave you a new Hull song for free, and Job For A Cowboy and Darkest Hour let you hear new songs for free. Crikey!
• We spoke with Nick Hipa of As I Lay Dying and J. Costa of Thy Will Be Done, the former about music and the latter about beards.
• Dallas, The Blogronaut and Eyal all wrote blogs.
• Best Band Ever announces festival appearance atop worst lineup ever.

I had a wisdom tooth pulled this morning so I feel like a giant sack of assholes at the moment, but hey, Percocet! See you tomorrow.

-VN

Generally speaking, all evidence suggests that Sharon Osbourne is a real bitch. This is not news. So when I saw the headline SHARON OSBOURNE Goes Off On Reporter on Blabbermouth, I kind of naturally assumed that some reporter had asked Sharon an honest question that had in some way suggested something insulting, and Sharon, not being the kind of person who likes it when someone speaks truth to power, flipped her shit.

Turns out that’s not really what happened at all; in fact, it would seem that Sharon is, for once, the good guy in this particular fracas.

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How bad does Osbournes Reloaded, the new Ozzy n’ family variety show, look? So bad that I’m considering burning my copies of Blizzard of Ozz and No More Tears. So bad that it makes Zakk Wylde look like a bastion of artistic integrity. So bad that I’d rather listen to St. Anger on repeat for 24 hours than watch this shit. So bad that the creators of Rock of Love should win Peabody Awards. So bad that Gene Simmons is already trying to figure out a way to rip it off.  So bad that your grandmother just died in the shower and it’s gonna be a few days before anyone finds the body.

-AR

[via Metal Injection]

I know I’ve spoken out in the past – fuck, yesterday, even – against bands that have recently reunited recording new albums. But in the case of Heaven & Hell - né “Black Sabbath with Ronnie James Dio and without fear of being sued by Sharon Osbourne” – I think it’s safe to be optimistic.

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Deadline Hollywood is reporting that the Writer’s Guild of America (or WGA, to you hep cats out there), the union for American film and television writers, has forbidden its members from working on Fox’s in-the-works Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne hosted variety show, The Osbournes: Senile and Incontinent.

An e-mail from the WGA to its members reads as follows:

“Fox has ordered a primetime comedy-variety show featuring Ozzy Osbourne and his family, and has engaged FremantleMedia North America, the company behind American Idol, to produce it. Because they wanted to hire WGA members to write the show, Fremantle contacted the WGAW [That's the Writers Guild of America West, the west coast branch of the union. -Ed.] to see if we would agree to a sub-standard contract. Attempting to pay as little as possible to the writers on the show, Fremantle asked to treat it as “half-scripted” and pay greatly reduced writing fees to those writers who wrote skits, interview material, intros, and “outros.” Although all of the writing on the show is of a type traditionally covered by our MBA (in such shows as The Carol Burnett Show and Laugh-In), Fremantle wanted to treat certain portions of the show as “reality content,” not cover the writers who create it, and lower the compensation of the WGA-covered writers, arguing that they would only be responsible for writing part of the show.

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Did that morning MS-Mansion bong rip go straight to our heads, or does the Republican VP hopeful looks just like a certain metal mom? Apparently keeping batty old men in check isn’t the only thing they have in common.

-VN

In 2004, Judas Priest went on before Black Sabbath at Ozzfest and pretty much decimated Ozzy and his cohorts; a year later, Iron Maiden did the same, and Sharon Osbourne got so pissy about it that she resorted to not-so-friendly “pranks” like having “X”s drawn through Maiden’s name on Ozzfest merch, cutting the band’s sound mid-song, and recruiting second stage musicians to help her throw eggs at Bruce Dickinson and company. Classy.

Now Sharon reportedly wants AC/DC to co-headline next year’s Ozzfest, when the festival will allegedly return to its status as a tour instead of a one-off gig, because they’re her “favorite band” (I’m sure Ozzy takes no offense at that statement).

The last time AC/DC toured the U.S., the only other band on the bill was Slash’s Snakepit (Version 2.0), and they were still selling out football stadiums. In other words, I think Ozzy probably needs AC/DC more than AC/DC needs Ozzy; I really just can’t imagine them wanting to go on before Ozzy to play an abbreviated set.

Still, maybe they will play Ozzfest. If they do, look for Sharon to be throwing eggs at them sometime in summer ‘09.

-AR

So Ozzy is apparently gonna make another record… and it seems like just yesterday that I listened to Black Rain once and decided I never needed to listen to it again. Since the Oz Man hasn’t really recorded anything worth anyone’s time since 1991’s No More Tears, I thought I’d offer my expertise (read: complete fucking arrogance) and make some suggestions to ensure that this new album doesn’t make me long for the day when I read the headline that Jack Osbourne finally offed his entire family.

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Holy cocksucking piece of fucking shit, Vince and I go away for a few days and everything falls to crap. I didn’t even check on metal news for the entire weekend, and then I wake up this morning to see terrible piece of news after terrible piece of news filling my inbox and RSS reader. I should have just dropped 48 tabs of acid all at once and been done with it all.

So, first up: Ozzy fucking Osbourne and the whore sucking his life force away his wife Succubus Sharon Osbourne are going to host a fucking variety show, which apparently has the working title of The Osbournes: Loud and Dangerous. They wanted to call the show Barely Able to Sing Anymore and Perfectly Harmless but Atreyu have already snagged that moniker for the title of their next album.

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So while Richie Sambora is not doing the new season of Rock of Love, Sharon Osbourne has been hired to teach “some of the most notorious contestants from Rock of Love with Bret Michaels the art of becoming more lady-like” for a new program entitled – what else? – Rock of Love Girls: Charm School.

Since Sharon Osbourne knows little to nothing about being a) lady-like or b) charming, I can only assume that Mrs. Ozzy is actually being hired because she knows how to land a rock star and keep a rock star. “Make sure he’s too fucked up to know where he is at all times,” I can just hear Sharon instructing these, um, “ladies.” “That way he’ll never cheat on you and you keep can keep him working and making money for you until the day he dies.”

No word on which sluts – uh, contestants – from Rock of Love will be on the show, but as long as the sloppy drunk chick who kept saying “Don’t threaten me with a good time” shows up, I’ll tune in at least once.

-AR

[via Blabbermouth]

So while it was rumored for awhile that this year’s edition of Ozzfest would be a two day event – but it has now been announced that it’ll be just one single day, on Saturday, August 9, at at Pizza Hut Park* in Dallas, Texas. The line-up will be as follows:

Main Stage
OZZY OSBOURNE
METALLICA
SERJ TANKIAN
HELLYEAH
JONATHAN DAVIS
CAVALERA CONSPIRACY
SHADOWS FALL
APOCALYPTICA
IN THIS MOMENT
All-Star Tribute To “Dimebag” Darrell Abbott

Second Stage
SEVENDUST
DEVILDRIVER
KINGDOM OF SORROW
SOILENT GREEN
WITCHCRAFT
GOATWHORE

Texas (Third) Stage
THE SWORD
DROWNING POOL
RIGOR MORTIS

Actually, that is, by no means, a terrible line-up; if the stages are staggered at all (and I imagine they will be), it would be plenty easy to keep oneself occupied during sets from In This Moment, Jonathan Davis, and HellNo. And I guess it’s honorable of Metallica to let Ozzy play last, even though, at this point, a) they’re much bigger than Ozzy and b) Ozzy has to be in bed by 8 pm. I mean, if I was Ozzy, and I’d spent recent Ozzfests getting blown off the stage by the likes of Maiden and Priest, I certainly wouldn’t wanna follow Metallica. But, y’know, nice of Ulrich and Hetfield to step aside for one night and let the Ozzman cometh.

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