We at MetalSucks have dealt with the paradoxes involved with conducting a poll to determine great guitar players (read our 25 Best Modern Metal Guitarists poll here)! So we get that in a unweighted vote, the top-ranked axemen may just represent those liked by the largest number of voters; i.e. a dude who we agree is pretty good may score higher than each of our individual favorite dudes.

So when Rolling Stone magazine enlisted a who’s-who of classic rock personalities for their 100 Greatest Guitarists Of All Time cover story, we prepared for some wacky aberrations. Let’s check out a few of the RS list’s inconsistencies:

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To help promote their upcoming tour, on October 11 Judas Priest will release The Chosen Few, their umpteenth career retrospective, and one which does not feature any new material. The Chosen Few does have a hook, though — I mean, beyond the fact that the band members appear on the cover only as silhouettes, I assume at least in part to downplay the fact that a certain key member is no longer in the group.

No, the hook  (and this is actually a neat idea) is that the band has let a lot of other celebrity musicians — including Ozzy, Lemmy, James Hetfield, Lars Ulrich, Kerry King, Slash, and Vinnie Paul  – choose which songs would appear on the collection. And, yeah, it’s interesting to know that Zakk Wylde is way into “Grinder,” and and that Randy Blythe and David Coverdale might actually have something to talk about at a cocktail party, and that Joe Satriani likes his Priest heavier than I might have suspected.

But like I said, there’s no new material here, so I can’t quite imagine why anyone would want this album anyway. The coolest thing about The Chosen Few is seeing which dude chose which song, and you can do that after the jump. So, look, we just saved you ten bucks.

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According to Noisecreep, masturbation enthusiasts now have a new place to convene in the digital space: GuitarTV.com, the new venture presented by legendary axeman Steve Vai, Hugh Hefner, and technology wiz Bill Gates.

GuitarTV.com is a 24-hour interactive channel loaded with streaming videos of legendary scenes by some of the world’s most famous porn-stars, interviews with the “talent,” chat rooms, live cams, and more. GuitarTV.com is also a place for passionate fans of jerking off to connect with each other.

“Most people are fascinated to see someone tug their dong in an inspired way. We are moved by witnessing self-pleasing brilliance, and it was this notion that led me to purchase the GuitarTV domain 10 years ago,” said Vai in a statement. “Still to this day, I am deeply satisfied when watching some dude who is connected with their art and “instrument” furiously pull their own putty. GuitarTV helps you tap into that connection, and to each other.”

No word yet on what the hinted at “interactive features” will be, or what Vai thinks of a budding new online video community called “YouTube” that also features filmed masturbatory sessions.

-VN

David Coverdale: Powerhouse rock singer. Demanding band leader. Cocksman. These are the facts once, now, and always, each evident immediately in his band Whitesnake’s shocking 11th record, Forevermore. But there is more to Coverdale. He lives in a really tall house in Lake Tahoe that, at the time of our chat, was partially snowbound. He is aggressively friendly. He swears magnificently. Oh, and the dude has paired with Blackmore, Sykes, Vandenberg, Vai, and Page. That’s an Ozzy-sized resume and David Lee Roth-league results. So you get that it’s both fun and stressful to gain entry into CoverdaleLand for a few minutes. Still, it was all laughs as Coverdale entertained my inquiries into the muscular songwriting of Forevermore, the bombast of Slip of the Tongue (as captured live in this summer’s Live At Donington 1990 DVD-CD set), his voice health, and the “snakes” of Whitesnake axemen.

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With the occasional exception, guitar solo albums are basically ear porn. I mean, a feature film depends on things like narrative coherence and visual aesthetics, but porn consists merely of all-star fuck machines slamming junk. So the comparison to guitar mega-wankery is obvious: To dispense with the frills (lyrics, vocals) and just get to the acrobatics magnifies one aspect of music to veiny, cartoonish proportions. Shit, have you ever made it to the end of a guitar album? Have you ever sat down with some popcorn and enjoyed 50 straight minutes of dimly-lit shag videos? For non-weirdos, each answer probably is a firm no.

That’s why it’s so fucknuts when a shred album works. But it has happened. Cuz to some guitar records, there’s a message despite the absence of a vocalist; others succeed by sheer momentum and irresistible, awe-striking displays of skill; and at least one guitar instrumental album is a staggering work of narrative art every bit as epic as the greatest conventional rock record. Great guitar albums are hard to find; according to our own analogy above, the creation of one is as unlikely as an Oscar win for All Tit-Fucking Vol. 8. But defying the odds and deserving a spot in every music library are the following awesome axgasms:

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Though a blockbuster success, Whitesnake’s self-titled (or 1987) record doesn’t really cut it for me. The singles tell the story, with four steps back for each forward: “Still of the Night” is a monster jam, but “Here I Go Again” is only slightly too heavy for Journey, while the lameness of “Is This Love” might offend fans of freaking Kenny G. I won’t even listen to “Crying In The Rain” or “Give Me All Your Love” without double-condoms on my ears.

It’s funny cuz my upturned nose at 1987 is inconsistent with my throbbing, veiny worship of the album creators’ next two albums: the Steve Vai-charged Whitesnake record Slip Of The Tongue (from singer David Coverdale and crew) and the debut effort by Blue Murder (from summarily fired Slide It In/1987 guitarist John Sykes). It seems that most Whitesnake fans — lovers of bluesy tales of heartbreak and handjobs — reject the guitar wiz cacophony of Slip and they have a point: At a glance, its guitar work in general resembles an album-length harmonizer demo (See Strapping Young Lad’s “Satan’s Ice Cream Truck”). The point is that, though Slip crushes, I understand why it underachieved.

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So Metal Insider tells me that “On March 3, guitar virtuoso Steve Vai and Berkleemusic (Berklee College Of Music’s Online Continuing Education Division) will attempt to set the Guinness World Record for the largest online guitar lesson.” I have no idea why Steve Vai would want to do this, other than to remind people who don’t read Guitar Geek Monthly that he’s still around, and he’s not the dude in Chickenfoot.

ANYWAY, as you can probably tell, I don’t really care about that, but I do care about anything Spinal Tap-related. So: Tap’s axemaster, Nigel Tufnel (really actor/filmmaker/hermaphrodite lover Christopher Guest, who doesn’t look a day over dead), has done this commercial on behalf of Vai’s endeavor. It’s actually not THAT funny, but it does exist, so, uh, yeah. Enjoy. Or don’t. I really have no emotional investment in your reaction either way. Anyone got a sandwich?

-AR

I went through a big funk phase in college where I’d venture over to the record store every Saturday (Encore in Ann Arbor, MI) and peruse the shelves for the heaviest, dirtiest, funkiest ’70s funk I could find. I still listen to a lot of that music, and it’s one of the genres that [non-]MetalGF and I share as common ground. I mean, how can you not dig this shit?

But none of it was as heavy as what I’m hearing on the MySpace page of ex-Steve Vai / current Headhunters bass player TM Stevens. Shit is just downright dirrrrrrrty! If bands like Extreme, Scatterbrain, early FNM etc were funk metal, then TM Stevens plays metal funk — make sense? This shit is nasty, and I’ve had it in constant rotation for days now — big funky grooves, monster distorted guitar riffs, slap bass, scorching guitar solos (courtesy of Nuno Bettencourt on “Gotta Get My Groove On”) and everything else that makes me wanna smoke a giant fatty J and get my fucking groove on. This isn’t music to make love to… it’s music to FUCK to.

-VN

Thanks: The Gideon

Photo credit: Christophe Lesbats

It’s a little known fact that MetalSucks co-jefe Vince Neilstein (pictured here with partner Axl Rosenberg) is a power-mad tyrant who controls the MS writer corps with manipulation and implicit threats of violence. Yeah, he seems like a cool guy, really, but would you believe that he can intercept my brainwaves via mobile phone? Or that I’m certain he is responsible for the invisible helicopter that’s been following me since St. Patty’s? Oh, you think I’m crazy? And paranoid? So, okay, I see you’d have me believe it’s just coincidence that my favorite toothpaste went on sale the day after I bought a tube. Wake the fuck up, dude. It’s all Neilstein. He’s everywhere and nowhere, an evil puppet master always wanting more, more, MORE from the once-mighty writers whom he has enslaved. Cross him and pay the price.

Well, mind control must be draining Neilstein’s lifeforce lately because the usual neighborhood dogs haven’t accosted me and barked his commands since last month, when an unleashed great dane warned me to “rop riting arout rAerosmith ror relse.” No, now he’s keeping it simple, all casually mentioning The Apex Theory in MetalSucks last week as though he had no knowledge of my secret, shameful plans to revive print discussion of that very band on this very site. Sure, an unsuspecting reader will see his Apex piece as an innocent bit of pithy writing, oblivious to the coded messages within that order us MS underlings to forgo rest and hygiene to write endlessly about stuff like the impact of Steve Vai-era Whitesnake and The Top 10 Worst Metal Bands Whose Cumulative Age is 95. How can you all be so blind?

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Let’s play a little game. Which of the following does not belong?

• Steve Vai
• Petrucci/Rudess
• Allan Holdsworth
• L.A. Guns
• Eric Johnson
• Marty Friedman
• Vernon Reid

See what I did there? I didn’t even put the obvious choice last, but it’s still just as fucking obvious that L.A. Guns stick out like a boner in gym shorts on the shred-heavy roster of Favored Nations, the label owned by Steve Vai. But apparently Favored Nations will release a new L.A. Guns album come April.

For anyone keeping track, this is the version of L.A. Guns that actually includes the band’s namesake Tracii Guns, not the Phil Lewis-led version that claims the other guys are imposters.

If MetalSucks ever receives a prestigious award the first band I’ll thank will be L.A. Guns (both versions) for providing us with excellent headline fodder throughout the years.

-VN

I’ve never heard of Orianthi Panagaris, which I suppose is my shortcoming as a human being who actually loves himself. Even though the fifteen seconds of research I just did on Google tells me I hate her, reader Greg Hendler just sent us this video of her shredding with Steve Vai, and I have to admit, the girl has chops. It’s just too bad she seems to use them for evil and not good.

This isn’t the first time Steve Vai has gone sniffing around young children – in the early 90s he was the mastermind behind Bad 4 Good, a not-very-memorable band that was really all just an excuse for Vai to take naked pictures of little boys.

After the jump, check out one of Orianthi’s solo songs, so you know that even though she plays guitar really well, you still wish she would just go away.

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In no particular order…

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For all of you who want nothing to do with my music, have tried and don’t get it, or think I’m a total hack, continue on to the next blurb, as I’m going to spend the next few paragraphs stroking myself and thinking that I’m super.

Anyways, heres a bunch of videos… it’s hard to give a solid overview after twenty-something albums, but anyways…

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Add “David Lee Roth on the Eat ‘Em and Smile tour” to the list of tours I’d visit if I had a time machine. The Vai / Sheehan / Bissonette lineup was definitely Diamond Dave’s best… if you disagree, I’m happy to engage in an e-fight to the death.

Here’s that lineup playing “Shyboy” in Detroit in 1986. Skip to 2:10 for the Vai/Sheehan double-shredathon if that’s what you’re in it for… but I can’t imagine why you’d possibly want to miss out on DLR’s stage antics.

-VN

Last week we posted a call for questions to ask Metalocalypse creator / Dethklok frontman Brendon Small, and you all gave us your best questions in the comments. Later that day we hand-picked our favorite ones and got on the phone with Brendon to pass them along. Your questions his answers, below.

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Okay. So here’s a great example of the ways in which the mind works.

Last week Vince and I were talking about Devin Townsend, as we do from time to time. And later that night, I got a song from Vai’s Sex & Religion album stuck in my head. I used to listen to that album all the time when it came out in 1993, but I have no idea where the hell the cassette I once owned now resides, so I searched the net to see if it was posted somewhere.

Well, as it turns out, the song has a video. And I’m watching this video, and I realize, “Holy shit, that’s Devin Townsend doing vocals!” I have no conscious memory of every being aware that Townsend was the vocalist for that album, but I must’ve known; that’s why the song got stuck in my head in the first place, right? Psychology is weird like that.

By the way, even though they’re not in this video, Terry Bozzio played drums and T.M. Stevens played bass on Sex & Religion. TOO WEIRD!!!

What an amazing discovery. I feel so much cooler now. “Oh, yeah. I’ve been listening to Townsend since before anyone knew who he was.”

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When I was a wee lad of 12 and just getting into the guitar, my dad sat me down and made me watch Crossroads, the 1986* classic take on the old Robert Johnson story. Of course I was only mildly interested until the end, when Steve mothafuckin’ Vai has an epic guitar battle with classical wunkerkind Eugene, played by Ralph Maccio.

According to Idolator, Vai has a role as Hank Williams in the upcoming film “Crazy” which about Hank Garland. The trailer looks pretty awesome, but nothing can ever reach the badass level of this:

Watch the whole fuckin’ thing. So worth it.

-VN

*please note, I was not 12 in 1986.

This is the news that Axl, myself, and approximately 7 other guitar dorks worldwide have been eagerly awaiting. Steve Stevens — Billy Idol’s guitarist for years, Vince Neil’s guitarist on the Exposed album, and king Brooklyn Jew (birth name: Steve Schneider –take a look at that shnoz!) — will be releasing a new solo album, Memory Crash, on January 29th via Steve Vai’s Magna Carta record label. Doug Pinnick of King’s X makes a guest appearance lending his soulful voice to one track, as does Billy Idol / ex-Ozzy bassist Brian Tichy.

Those who have followed Steve Stevens closely over the years as I have — and I’m guessing there’s maybe one of you who has — know what an underrated and incredible guitarist he is. In addition to writing all those classic Idol riffs (“Rebel Yell,” “White Wedding,” etc etc etc), Stevens absolutely tore it up on Vince Neil’s Exposed record, his 1993 post-Motley solo debut. He wrote some amazing songs, and fuck did he ever go nuts on the guitar on that album. He’s also done a bunch of experimental stuff over the years (Bozzio / Levin / Stevens) and some studio work here and there.

Stevens says about the record, it’s “a journey through another dimension, It’s virtually musical cinema.” Citing influences such as prog-rock giants Pink Floyd, Yes, King Crimson, and Emerson, Lake & Palmer, he continues, “I’ve always loved that about the prog records, like Dark Side Of The Moon. You enter this little theater of the mind. It’s a true headphone experience.”

Cool.

-VN

What do images of Hitler, 9/11, a baby, fire, tacky computer generated images of the cosmos, crosses, and rocketships have in common? Being in a video for a wordless song by a virtuosic guitar shredder, of course! Hibernum reminds us of the awesome talent of Steve Vai copycat Bane Jelic, who is heralded by at least one YouTube user as “One of the up and coming shredders of our time.” Let the 1/64th note shred runs do all the talking.

-VN

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