I stopped watching new episodes of The Simpsons a few years ago because, well, they’re not very good anymore and in case you haven’t noticed, I don’t like to give old fogies credit for having once been cool.

That being said, Noisecreep has alerted us to the fact that last night’s episode of The Simpsons featured a pretty funny guest appearance by overrated guitarist/underrated raving lunatic Ted Nugent. Check it out below:

I CAN’T GET THE FUCKING VIDEO EMBED TO WORK. CLICK ON THE BELOW PHOTO OF TED TO WATCH IT.

-AR

Last year, the cover of Revolver‘s “Hottest Chicks in Metal/Hard Rock/Whatever” issue was graced by a girl so young that even thinking about her while masturbating should be illegal. This year, though, Evanescence’s Amy Lee is on the cover. Thinking about her while masturbating should be illegal, too, but just because her music was recently indicted for war crimes by the UN, not because she’s too young or anything. Because she’s thirty. “Thirty?!?!” Ted Nugent screamed in disappointment when reached for comment. “I wouldn’t even take a viagra for that old, wrinkly vagina!”

Oh well. At least they didn’t Photoshop the image in order to ensure that she met with unrealistic standards of physical beauty. Oh wait.

-AR

[via Metal Injection]

1) Be nicer to Sebastian Bach
2) Compare penis sizes with Tommy Lee
3) Hire Phil LaBonte as a vocal coach
4) Hire Billy Milano as a personal trainer
5) Hire Tripp Eisen as a baby sitter
6) Sleep with present-day Tawny Kitaen
7) Help Danzig clean up his motherfucking bricks, bitch
8) Listen to Ted Nugent talk about politics
9) Listen to Ted Nugent talk about romance
10) Listen to Ted Nugent talk about Ted Nugent

Click to read more…

Yay, Vince is back! And guess what? Now it’s my turn to take a vacation! I haven’t had once since the summer of 2006, about six months before we started the site. So, yeah, I’m looking forward to getting away. Try not to miss me too much, m’kay?

And, oh yeah, it’s July 4 weekend, so we’re leaving early today and won’t be here Monday. That might be worth mentioning for non-American readers.

ANYWAY, here’s what we did this week:

• We debuted new music by Exhumed.
• Landphil from Municipal Waste and Cannabis Corpse pondered the CM Punk WWE Raw “shoot.”
• Our pals at Decibel spoke to the members of Cradle of Filth about about their album The Principle of Evil Made Flesh.
• We wondered why teenagers are still butthurt about Hot Topic in 2011.
• We celebrated the Stephen Colbert/Ted Nugent showdown.
• We checked out the first Portnoy-free Dream Theater song.
• We enjoyed some lulz at the expense of Staind and their record label.
• We bemoaned the fact that Behemoth’s Nergal is back on trial for tearin’ up a Bible.
• We celebrated the gloriousness that is the new Mastodon video.
• Best. “Show Us Your MetalSucks.” EVER.

And now it’s time to start partying. Lates.

-AR

I hate, hate, hate Ted Nugent. I never liked his music, and I despise him as a human being, too.

Which is why I have more than a little appreciation for this skewering of The Nuge from last night’s episode of The Colbert Report:

The thing is, I kind of agree with Nugent; this generation does seem oddly apathetic to the fact that the world is basically falling apart all around us. Of course, I don’t think running out and joining The Crazy Badly Misinformed Violent Moron Brigade Tea Party is the answer, and it’s hard to take advice from anyone as racist and misogynistic as Ted Nugent.

Then again, I’m sure some of you disagree with me, and are chomping at the bit to tell me why Nugent and/or The Tea Party is wonderful. Feel free to try and convince me I’m wrong in the comments section below.

-AR

Additional reporting by Corey Mitchell

I’m not inherently suspicious of the drug-free, sober, and straight-edge. True, I regard them as I would a Beta-max, a pager, or a non-fan of Devin Townsend: an anachronistic curiosity whose continued existence defies progress. All the same, when I’m told by, say, the lovely Allyson from BBG! that constant intoxication is not her priority, it seems believable.

Now, Ted Nugent on the other hand, kinda seems like a goddamn liar in his endorsements of a drug-free lifestyle. Now, sure, a lot about Ted screams “repressed homosexuality,” beit his wingnut socio-political beliefs, his mega-masculine urge to kill all that has no ability to counter-attack, and his participation in aesthetically dubious projects like Damn Yankees. Not to mention his entire early canon which casts Ted as history’s most annoying pussy-hound. Talk about over-compensating. But that’s a side issue.

See, some people crow about their finely-calibrated gay-dar, and likewise I’m boastful about my unbeatable high-dar. (Make no mistake, it’s in self-interest that I hasten to determine if anybody anywhere is indulging; with that knowledge, I can then launch mooching operations.) And despite his public opposition to drug-gobbling, Ted regularly sets my Spidey senses a-raging, and especially throughout the above Damn Yankees jam: the darting eyes, the working mouth, the extreme agreeability, the shot-hogging, the intrusive/cruddy guitar soloing. Plus, he came up in hard rock in the ’70s, a time when contracts were signed in nose-blood and tour buses were made of quaaludes. So is Ted‘s he-man act a smokescreen for his real secret shame? Is Ted an Elvis Presley to our Richard Nixon? Is it really plausible that any sober man would agree to spend five years as third fiddle in Damn Yankees? Is there any other explanation for that zebra-striped duster in the “High Enough” video? Have you heard that song “Little Miss Dangerous?”

-ADF

I can see that The Damned Things are gonna be the next point of contention here at the MetalSucks Mansion. Vince likes ‘em, but they just sound like more more boring corporate rock to my ears. And a new track streaming on the band’s Facebook page, “Friday Night (Going Down In Flames),” isn’t doing much to change my mind. I don’t think the band is terrible or anything; I just feel really meh about them. (Although I definitely like the Foo Fighters-style of this song better than their last track, “We’ve Got a Situation Here.”) If they weren’t a supergroup, would anyone care? Why does already being famous earn you the right to now be mediocre?

Meanwhile, the group has unveiled the cover art for their debut, Ironiclast. And I’m looking at this thing, and I’m thinking, “Gee, this looks familiar.”

And then it hit me! Remember Damnocracy, that very short-lived supergroup from that stupid VH1 reality show Scott Ian did with Sebastian Bach, Ted Nugent, Evan Seinfeld, and Jason Bonham? Of course you do… how could you ever forget? Well, remember what that band’s logo was? Here, I’ll remind you:

Click to read more…

Not really, of course. I just think it’s funny that the new Ted Nugent album shares a title with the above 2006 release by Skinless.

As you were.

-AR

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Welcome to “Question of the Week,” a (sometimes) weekly debate amongst the MetalSucks staff regarding a recent hot button issue.

Inspired this week by the rumor that Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler may be a new judge on American Idol, we decided to ask our writers:

IF YOU HAD TO PICK ONE METAL MUSICIAN TO BE A JUDGE ON AMERICAN IDOL, WHO WOULD IT BE AND WHY?

The MS staff’s answers after the jump.

Click to read more…

In honor of Alaskan metalcore band 36 Crazyfists’ new DVD, Under a Northern Sky (in stores October 27), a list of 35 other famous, metal, heavy, and/or crazy fists:

Click to read more…

First, let’s just talk about how we arrived at this place we currently find ourselves:

Click to read more…

Haven’t done one of these posts in a while because, well, there hasn’t been a Tuesday this important in quite some time. The following albums are available for legal, legit purchasing today:

• Killswitch Engage – Killswitch Engage: The band everyone hates to love or loves to hate. Prediction: this record goes Top 10 first week, possibly even Top 5.
• Suicide Silence – No Time to Bleed: Deathcore upstarts attempt to [suicide] silence the naysayers with their second Century Media full-length. This writer thinks they’ve done it.
• Obituary – Darkest Days: O.G. death metallers return with their eighth full-length.
• Ex Deo – Romulus: Roman-themed metal helmed by Kataklysm frontman Maurizio Iacono. We think the tunes are solid and the music video is beyond epic.

Oh hey look, rock’s resident asshole Ted Nugent also has a CD/DVD out today! Killer! Psych.

If you’ve already heard these albums tells us what you think of them in the comments. We’ll report the sales figures for all of these albums as soon as we get them in next Wednesday. In the meantime, go n’ buy some music so some broke-ass dudes can eat! Except Ted Nugent, unless you want your money to go straight to the NRA.

-VN

What do Twisted Sister, Great White, Kix, Nelson, Danger Danger and Anthrax all have in common?

They’re all playing this year’s Rocklahoma Festival.

Click to read more…

You’d almost expect Eddie Van Halen to be a staunch Republican. Look at the facts: he lives in California, is rich, is a dick, and he and his woman both do work in the magical world of porn, which means giving a big thumbs up to the McCain/Palin ticket would be just hypocritical enough to “make sense” the way Ted Nugent being a conservative or Chris Robinson marrying a conservative’s daughter “makes sense.”

Apparently though, this isn’t the case: John McCain has been using the ’91 VH “classic” (a.k.a. my least favorite Van Halen song that wasn’t originally sung by Gary Cherone) “Right Now” as part of his campaign – and Eddie objects enough to actually call former co-worker/current nemesis Sammy Hagar, reports Rolling Stone.

Click to read more…

Ted Nugent once again proved he is a completely deranged, bigoted asshole in a recent video interview with LiveLeak. Ted had some very unkind words about certain Democrats and their gun control policies, and had this tender nugget of wisdom to share:

“Who would not want a cop to be armed every place? They’re trained to serve and protect. You can’t stop a bad guy with a middle finger and a bag of quarters. I want warriors to be able to have the tools necessary to stop evil.”

Who would not want a cop to be armed in every place? I’ll tell you who, Ted. Two words:

Sean Bell.

The 6 police officers acquitted of firing 50 bullets at an unarmed man the night before his wedding in Queens last year ought to be jailed and stripped of their badges for life, not acquitted of all charges. You, Ted, are a danger to society, not Ted Kennedy, Nancy Pelosi or Hillary Clinton.

-VN

Guns and Jews, not so much a good combination, as we learn below when resident rock n’ roll redneck Ted Nugent tries to teach Anthrax’s Scott Ian how to shoot a machinegun.

The money line: “Scott, don’t bother with the sight, just shoot it and fuckin’ feel it!” as Scott proceeds to miss every target and jams the gun. Classic.

-VN

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