Evan Seinfeld and Tera Patrick split up less than a year ago, but the cause of the split was Seinfeld’s refusal to quit porn, so he handled the pain of the divorce like a real mensch and just started banging some other porn star immediately. Her name is Lupe Fuentes and she’s allegedly 23 years old, but she looks at least ten years younger than that and her videos have names like Little Lupe the Innocent: Dont Be Fooled By Her Baby Face, so it’s not as though everyone involved in the Lupe Fuentes business isn’t aware that the pedophile crowd is her bread n’ butter.

So some American rocket scientist named Carlos Simon-Timmerman bought a copy of that very movie in Venezuela and tried to take it with him to Puerto Rico – which implies he was on vacation and really needed to jack-off, which is fair enough, but who the fuck buys porn on a vacation? Just use your imagination, idiot. You probably passed a hundred hot Venezuelan chicks just on your way to the porno shop… you mean to tell me you didn’t store any of them in your spank bank?

ANYWAY, Puerto Rican customs officials thought the video was kiddie porn and were gonna lock Simon-Timmerman in jail and toss away the key, but luckily Fuentes and Seinfeld – who is also her manager – showed up with proof of her age and saved Simon-Timmerman.

Seinfeld and Fuentes were on television recently to discuss the incident, and the first thing I noticed – besides the fact that his little girl has the most irritating voice in the history of irritating voices – is that she’s sitting on Seinfeld’s lap the whole time, and that up until the 4:07 mark, when one is speaking, the other is silent. So for roughly the first four minutes of this interview, I was 99.9% sure that Fuentes was actually a puppet that Seinfeld was operating. And I’m still only half-convinced that she’s not.

Watch the interview after the jump.

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So apparently the source of the split between Evan Seinfeld (Biohazard/Damnocracy) and Tera Patrick (porn) was Patrick’s request that Seinfeld leave the adult film business. Says an evil tabloid owned by Rupert Murdoch:

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Evan Seinfeld and Tera Patrick have split up. Apparently it’s amicable. This means Tera will now be free to make porn with other dudes, like she did in her pre-Seinfeld days, while Evan will be free to make porn with other chicks, or medicore music with whatever band he’s doing these days. (Until I get that Biohazard/Onyx tour I’ve been begging for since ’93, I don’t give a shit.)

It’s hard to believe that this relationship didn’t last. If a metal thug and a porn star who make a great deal of money filming themselves fucking can’t be happy together these days, then what hope is there for the rest of us?

Go here to watch Evan and Tera in happier times, sharing their love. Or, at least, Evan sharing his love all over Tera’s face. Needless to say, it’s NSFW.

-AR

Yeah yeah yeah, Evan Seinfeld has done lots of “legitimate” acting since Biohazard fell apart, like an appearance on Oz and voice work for the upcoming Grand Theft Auto IV video game, but let’s be real: all his post-metal fame stems from the fact that he’s married to, and is the on-screen partner for, porn star Tera Patrick. That’s right: the man now blows his load all over his wife’s face for a living. Somebody had to say it.

I guess Evan must be running dry, though, because they’ve announced that Biohazard, the Noo Yawk band that may have inadvertently paved the way for Limp Bizkit, is jumping on the Summer 2008 reunion bandwagon, where they’ll be featured alongside the already-announced kiss n’ make-up concerts by Carcass and At the Gates. Who will care about Biohazard more than Carcass or At the Gates is beyond me, but I imagine they’ll all end up on the same European summer festival circuit soon.

-AR