There comes a time in the life of any moderately successful band where a decision must be made: to continue writing artistically relevant music or to throw on a cowboy hat and write about beer and puss—

I wonder which is more profitable.

Last week we explored the first of six stylistic pitfalls good bands/musicians so often fall prey to (click here to see part 1!), changes in quality of life. In this edition we will be focusing our attention on a very different, but equally devastating gaffe, and it’s a distinctly American problem at that (provided that Canada is basically America).

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Axl and I were joking the other night that we might have invented the phrase “still a thing” as applied to bands/people/trends that seem to have vanished from view but are apparently not just still around but quite popular. Only fitting then that the theme of this week’s Top Hard Music Soundscan charts is “still a thing.” I mean, the molasses-like state of inertia fixed upon modern hard rock radio and the associated bands over the past decade is just astounding to look at; nothing has changed in ten years.

Since there weren’t any notable metal debuts last week to crack the Top 100 aside from those in the Top 10, this week let’s look at all of numbers 1 through 10 on the Top Hard Music chart. Prepare to be astonished and baffled by the “still a thing”-ness of every single band.

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A bunch of big records came out last Tuesday: Suicide Silence, Fair to Midland, Sepultura and Decapitated. After the jump we’ll take a look at how those and a few recent releases sold over the past week.

But first, a follow-up on a question I asked in last week’s column: how do the numbers for Arch Enemy’s Khaos Legions stack up against their past releases? I don’t have week-by-week breakdowns for each album to compare to Khaos Legions‘ cumulative total of 13,944 after five weeks, but these total sales figures for Arch Enemy’s best-selling albums should provide some frame of reference:

Anthems of Rebellion: 74,712
Doomsday Machine: 108,036
Rise of the Tyrant: 55,812
Wages of Sin: 71,688

With Khaos Legions falling off the charts in week six, that means they sold less than 1,092 units last week, the minimum number required to crack the Top 100 Hard Music Chart. Based on that I’d say it’s going to be a tough climb for Gossow, the Amotts and co. to match their past success this time around.

ANYWAY, back to last week’s big releases:

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After the 2009 edition of Rocklahoma – a.k.a. the Wacken of Hair Metal – turned out to be an epic fail,  it was announced that AEG live, “the world’s largest producer of music festivals,” had been put in charge of “revamping” the fest for the 2010 version – including helping with “talent booking.” At the time, I suggested that this might be code for “no more hair metal bands,” and as it turns out,  I was right. Here’s the line-up for this year’s fest, in nifty poster form (via Bring Back Glam):

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Not that we had any doubt Baroness’ Blue Record would have a strong debut, but it’s always nice to see the proof. And Skeletonwitch’s ripping new record Breathing the Fire had a great debut too; I’m elated to see the band sell as many records first week as they did. Elsewhere it was the usual radio rock / alt-metal suspects dominating the charts. Click through to see chart positions and sales figures.

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The infamous Now That’s What They Call Music comp, now it’s thirtieth iteration (!), will never stop selling. Nor will Hannah Montana. Given, it’s tough for any true metal band to crack the Billboard 200, but Mastodon did just once again that by notching a #11 debut with Crack the Skye, beat out metal-wise only by Papa Roach (ugh). Elsewhere, we got some surprises from Chris Cornell, Twiztid (!?) and others. Sales figures for those and other notable hard rock and metal releases after the jump.

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Ok, ok, fine, THIS is quite obviously the worst tour ever. But the recently announced lineup for Cruefest 2 is giving it a run for its money; Godsuck, Theory of a Deadsuck, Saving Abel (no less sucky, but left “suck”-less here for clarity’s sake) and Drowning Suck will support the ever-fading but still marginally credible Motley Crue.

Funny story about Saving Abel. I was invited to a showcase for the band on the roof of their record label’s building, and before the band played their manager slipped up and introduced them as “Saving Label.” Whoops!

Anyway, the Crue seem to have acknowledged that the only fans who will still patronize their umpteenth reunion tour are the whitest of the whitey white trash; fitting then that they’ve titled this year’s tour “The White Trash Circus.”

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