MetalSucks

Dane Cook, a comedian so devastatingly untalented that he makes terminal cancer look funny by comparison, is collaborating with Tommy Lee, the modern era’s single best argument for using a condom. The two have recorded a track for a new Cook album (I didn’t know there was an old Cook album, but only because I don’t hate myself), and Cook describes the song as  “a little bit in the Jack Johnson vein, a little bit funky, a little jazzy.”

Of course, both Nostradamus and the Mayans predicted such a team-up when they foretold of the apocalypse, and I’d heard that the twist to the upcoming end-of-the-world thriller 2012 was that all the destruction is caused by a Cook-Lee song that’s a little bit in the Jack Johnson vein.

But I thought we had more time. I thought we had more time, damn it!

I won’t be able to do any more posting today. I have to go say farewell to my loved ones, and hopefully get laid one last time, before our world is destroyed forever. Damn you, Cook and Lee! GOD DAMN YOU STRAIGHT TO HELL!!!

-AR

Industry guru Bob Lefsetz, in one of his typically off-topic rants — in this case, a lengthy story about getting his ass checked for colon cancer (yes, really) — managed to sneak in this gem of insight about Tommy Lee:

And then they’re running late [at the doctor's office].  Which gives me enough time to read “Fortune” and find out that Tommy Lee is letting the public record his album.  Enough with the gimmicks Tommy, NO ONE WANTS YOUR ALBUM!  Yup, he records drums and vocals, you create the music and he owns it.  Huh?  Why does everybody keep paying attention to Mr. Lee.  He’s a DRUMMER!  He should be thankful that people still want to see him in Motley Crue.

I mean, right? Can we all please get a big, rousing “WHAT THE FUCK???” for Tommy Lee? Why do we even waste our breath talking about the guy? Let’s all collectively agree to stop buying into Tommy’s shenanigans and just ignore the damn guy.

But then again… the new American populace Methods of Mayhem is probably gonna give us tons of material here. Nevermind.

-VN

You know when you know you’ve got too many greatest hits albums? When more than one of them are called Greatest Hits.

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This is a story about a band I don’t care about getting involved in some drama with a band I haven’t cared about in at least fifteen years. But it’s still kinda amusing, so I’m posting it.

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This live footage of Morgan Rose filling in for the injured Tommy Lee on drums with Motley Crue this past weekend is really entertaining. I mean, you get to see Vince Neil, who still can’t remember all the words to his own songs / gets winded after about two lines, and that in itself is always funny. And you get to see Mick Mars, who despite his status as the walking dead can still wail out those solos pretty well. But best of all, you get to see Morgan Rose, one of the greatest drummers on the planet in terms of pure, raw talent, rock through a set of songs he hadn’t heard in years for which he had zero time to prepare.

It seems that Tommy Lee burned his hand and couldn’t play. There’s video floating around of Tommy coming out on stage at this show and explaining the situation to the audience; as usual, he sounds like a total idiot. So the band flew out Sevendust’s Morgan Rose from Atlanta last minute, day of the fucking show, to fill in on drums. I know what you’re thinking… Motley songs ain’t too complicated drum-wise and they just play all the hits anyway. VRONG. This is the Dr. Feelgood tour in which the band plays the entire album start to finish, deep cuts and all, plus the usual smattering of greatest hits. Rose comes out and fucking nails it all. I love how in these clips you can see Nikki Sixx communicating with Rose about when the changes happen in the song, or when to end, or when to begin. THAT is fucking pure musicianship that can’t be taught. You either have it or you don’t. And Rose most certainly has it.

Check out “Same ol’ Situation” below and “Dr. Feelgood” after the jump.

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As a part of goth metal OGs Type O Negative, drummer Johnny Kelley’s talents are often overshadowed by the low end sultriness and antics of bassist/frontman/nude model Peter Steele. But his graceful stickwork has been holding the band together since 1995’s October Rust, and the string of Type O albums that have come out since have stood shoulder to shoulder with the band’s prior material. Along with being Danzig’s drummer, Kelly plays in Seventh Void, a stoner/trad metal outfit with Type O Negative guitarist Kenny Hickey. The latter band released their debut on Vinnie Paul’s Big Vin Records in April. In an interview with MetalSucks, Kelly discusses Type O Negative’s future, working with Glenn Danzig, and his thoughts on modern drummers.

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There’s something reassuring about knowing that people one sometimes considers cooler than him or herself were not, in fact, always so cool.

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I haven’t watched any of Sam Kinison’s old stand-up in years, so I have no idea how his work holds up – but when I was a younger, I thought he was just about the funniest human being that had ever lived, and when he died, I was really, really upset about it.

I heard recently that HBO is making a TV movie about Kinison’s life – which is why I was thinking about him again – and I suddenly remembered Kinison’s video for his cover of “Wild Thing.”

Today the video seems vastly inferior to Brian Posehn’s “Metal by Numbers,” because a) that song is actually about metal, b) that song isn’t a cover, and c) that song doesn’t have Tommy Lee in its video. But at the time, this clip was the shit – I mean, in addition to the aforementioned Lee, it also features Slash, Billy Idol, Richie Sambora, members of Aerosmith and Ratt, and Jessica Hahn’s tits.

-AR

MetalSucks Maniac Matt Fields sent us the below clip this morning, bringing up all sorts of repressed demons I’d been trying to forget for years. I can’t say I’m at all surprised that Tommy Lee agreed to play with these douche chills – after all, Lee is an even bigger whore than Pamela Anderson – but I gotta ask: Why, Halford, why?!?!

-AR

Am I the only who finds Vince Neil’s recent statement that when playing live he tries sing as true to the records as possible completely ludicrous?

You have to really enjoy what you’re doing and try to deliver the songs to the people out there the way they want to hear it. I try to stay as close to the records as possible because I hate going to see a singer who sings it differently. It drives me crazy.

I guess the operative word here is “try.” Anyone who’s seen Vince Neil perform live knows that when he isn’t holding out the mic over the audience to let the crowd do his job for him, his completely winded fat ass is half-assing his way through every third word.

When asked for comment on the matter, Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee simply said, “Yeeeeahh boooyyyy!”

-VN

[ The Desert Post Weekly]

DUDE. Okay, seriously. What the fuck is going on this week? First Tommy Lee announces he’s reforming Methods of Mayhem, and now Vince Neil has announced he’s making another solo album (And, no, Steve Stevens won’t be on it – I checked.). What’s next? Is Nikki Sixx gonna make another Sixx A.M. album?

Wait – WHAT?!

Well fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck. It’s enough to make you want Motley Crue to keep touring.

-AR

P.S. Okay, but seriously, I’d love to see a Mick Mars side project called Mars Attacks!, and I’d love for its debut album to be entitled Creepy Human Statue. I’d give that album an automatic five out five horns.

YEEEEEEAAAAAHHHH BOYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY. Check it. Tizommy Lizee is bringing back Methods of Mayhem for real, yo. It’s been too long, playa. When’d the last MOM disc drop? Like ‘01, ‘02? Yooooo, that shit was HOT, son. “Get, g-get naked!” Peeps been waitin’ for a new MOM album like it was a free bj n’ shit. Tommy Lee! Givin’ da people what dey want! YEEEEEAAAHHHH BOYYYYYYY! Get down wit this shit, muthfucka!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yo, I gots to go find TiLo. Peace out, homie.

-AR

So Nikki Sixx has had his girlfriend, the insanely irritating Kat Von D., tattoo Motley Crue guitarist Mick Mars onto his knee. Apparently he chose the knee to taunt Mick, who cannot, in fact, bend his own knee anymore.

I assume Nikki chose Mick and not one of his other bandmates because Mick has never challenged him or do anything to threaten his time in the spotlight. In any case, look for Tommy and Vince to get tats of one another and not Nikki in retaliation.

-AR

[via Blabbermouth]

The folks at Some E-Cards nail it once again.

-VN

[Thanks: metalgf]

No booze at a Motley fucking Crue show? Jesus fucking Christ. That must be like having sex with a condom made of nails.

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Eventually, someone is going to adapt Motley Crue’s The Dirt (which I’m still fairly certain is the best book ever written in any language ever) into a movie. There’s too many greenbacks at stake for the project just to sit on the shelf forever.

But I’ve read screenwriter Rich Wilkes’ adaptation of the infamous tome (written by Neil Strauss under the guise of being written by the band members themselves), and it wasn’t going to make a good movie. In fact, I can guarantee you it was going to make a horrible, horrible movie. Wilkes is the writer of such gems as The Jerky Boys movie and xXx, so that news really shouldn’t shock anyone*; in fact, I have to guess that Wilkes got the job ’cause he wrote Airheads, which is probably the last Hollywood movie about metal that is only a semi-embarrassment to the film industry**. Still, Wilkes’ script was all set to go before cameras under the guidance of Borat director/Seinfeld executive producer Larry Charles, who is really way, way, way too talented for this lousy script. At various times, Ashton Kutcher and Johnny Knoxville were rumored to be in talks to play Tommy Lee and Nikki Sixx, respectively, and Christopher Walken and Val Kilmer were alleged to have filled the roles of Ozzy Osbourne and David Lee Roth.

In other words, this thing really had about as much chance of being good as Lars Ulrich does of growing to be six five four feet tall.

So lucky for us all that the project, at least as we’ve known it, seems to be in jeopardy.

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A couple of months back I reported the sham that is Tommy Lee and Ludacris’ attempt to be “green” by going on a reality show in which they compete to see who can be the most eco-friendly. The show, “Battleground Earth,” will air on the brand new channel Planet Green, which launched yesterday. Tommy and Luda have done an ad spot for the channel in advance of their show, which can be viewed below [via Idolator]:

Funny, sure, but Tommy Lee is still an idiot and this show is still a complete sham designed to make money off the current “green” trend. Fuck it. Fuck it hard.

-VN

Well, not really, of course.

The new front man for the (Tracii Guns version of the) band, previously identified only as a “blond,” is Marty Casey.

If you’ve never heard of Marty Casey, well, neither have I. Apparently he was a contestant on Rock Star: INXS*, which I imagine was only slightly less embarrassing than Rock Star: Supernova, if only because, unlike Jason Newstead, Tommy Lee and Gilby Clarke, no one ever had any actual respect for the guys in INXS.

In any case, at this point I imagine that anyone who still considers him or herself to be an L.A. Guns fan really doesn’t care who’s in the band, as long as the guitar player is named after some sort of weapon and they open with “Sex Action,” close with “Sex Action,” and play “Sex Action” somewhere in the middle.

Stay tuned for the announcement that Dilana is the new singer for Velvet Revolver.

-AR

*By the way, has anyone ever heard the story that INXS asked Mike Patton to replace Michael Hutchence, and he said he’d take the job if they’d let him wear a noose around his neck onstage? I have no idea if it’s a true story or not, but it’s HILARIOUS either way.

Here are the song titles for Motley Crue’s new album, Saints of Los Angeles:

01. Mother Fucker Of the Year
02. Down At The Whiskey
03. Saints of Los Angeles
04. Face Down In The Dirt
05. What’s It Gonna Take
06. Chicks = Trouble
07. White Trash Circus
08. The Animal In Me
09. Welcome To The Machine
10. This Ain’t A Love Song
11. Just Another Psycho

Well, in the words of Balki Bartokomou, “paint me green and call me Gumby,” because I don’t even have to make fun of this shit. Those song titles are already a total joke.

Aw, shucks, let’s give it a shot anyway.

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Preface: I am having one of those days.

I am sick and tired of celebrities pretending to be eco-friendly. It’s fucking bullshit, and these charades must stop. What’s sparked my ire today is an announcement that Tommy Lee and Ludacris will be teaming up for a new show on Discovery called “Battleground Earth” in which they compete against each other to see who can be the most “green.” The show “features the duo battling against the toxic forces destroying mother earth as they travel across the country on a 10-episode tour.”

For the love of god, put a fucking trap on it. “Green” is so trendy right now, but everyone just likes to talk and not do. Everyone and their mother is going around saying they’re green, but really it stops there — other than recycling the occasional beer bottle (or paying someone else to do it), there is no fucking way Tommy Lee or Ludacris actually a) give a shit about the environment in any more than an abstract way, or b) actually take the extra steps to practice what they preach.

Does Lee use eco-friendly lighhtbulbs? Recycle paper? Does Ludacris unplug his toaster when he isn’t using it, and, if it’s yellow does he let it mellow? These fuckers probably drink bottled water willy nilly and don’t think twice about it. They undoubtedly drive large SUVs everywhere they go.

Let’s just see this TV show as what it is; a fucking sham, designed to cash in on a trend and create the illusion of goodwill. Fuck this shit. Fuck it to hell. It’s an insult to those of us who actually make an effort to be environmentally conscious. I suppose it’s good that environmentalism is getting some exposure through celebrities, but this show just lampoons it by making it into a joke. Fuck off. Die. All of you.

First person to comment that environmentalism is gay / not metal a) gets banned, b) is fucking retarded.

-VN